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Hello everyone This is my first time here and I could use some help and advice.....in a nutshell approx 2 years ago I found out my husband had been having Facebook and text message contact with 3 women he knew from his past 2 of them are not an issue to me one was a sort of cousin of his through marriage so not a lot happened there although I wouldn't talk to a cousin of mine like he did and one was a person he just exchanged sexual texts with never any normal conversation just plain smut.....the 3rd one however was a little more deep and very hurtful to me she was a ex of his although he initially couldn't remember her she was organising her own wedding during the 5 months she spoke to my hubby and in fact got married while she was telling my husband she loved him and always had my hubby also told her he loved her missed her he told her things would be different if md and her fiancé wasn't around she sent him naked pics if herself he claims he didn't send any back but I dint believe him they had a very brief relationship some 20 years ago she told him she was pregnant as a result of that he didn't know because he moved away from the town he grew up in although his mum still lived there right up until last year she claimed she lost the child at 18 weeks she sed she had to go through labour and the hospital wouldn't let her bury her child because she was only 15 and "had no rights" I personally think its rubbish and so does he but she sed it so I have to think about it anyway to today I am hurt angry and gutted betrayed and everything else you could imagine I am struggling to cope and really need some nice ppl to talk to I love him with every fibre of my being and do want this to work he has severe depression since this he has even took a over dose he is in a anti depressant of 45 mg a day at the minute I should add that his overdose was not long after i found out we haven't argued for nearly 3 days now but believe me that's rare I'm so sorry to have waffled on there is more to this we have 4 kids our son has Autism I am really hoping someone has been where I am or maybe someone who has done what my husband has could help thanks for reading this hope for replies soon

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Caz I am sorry you are dealing with this right now.

 

Obviously, your husband needs treatment for his depression immediately; not just pills, but counseling too and even hospitalization if he is suicidal.

 

TODAY.

 

He also needs to block this facebook friend and stop sexting anonymous women on the internet. Good husbands and father's do not do that, and having four children and one with special needs, he needs to be the best father and husband he can be.

 

You two need to cherish and support each other as you raise your children. They deserve to see strong, happy, patient parents. If one or both of you cannot rise to the task at hand, you should divorce.

 

Can you afford IC (Individual Counseling) and MC (Marriage Counseling)?

 

I know the stress of having a special needs child can really wreak havoc on a marriage as there is very little "being a couple" time, if any.

 

Do you have any support systems in place to help with the children?

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Caz, he should also NOT be talking to women in a suggestive or sexual or even flirting manner while he is married to you!

 

How would he feel if you were doing that with men on line? Or your old high school boyfriend?

 

Married people with four children respect each other.

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Hi Spark. Thanks so much for your replies I am sorry if I did not make my last post very clear this happened nearly 2 years ago he hasn't had any access to Facebook or a ema account since then I have all his passwords his Facebook account is closed he is getting help with his depression he is on the medication and he is also having counselling he hasn't done anything since I found out about these 2 years ago I am just having problems getting over the hurt and betrayal if has been a horrible time.....our kids are ok I have 3 daughters from previous relationships and our son is ours together and has Autism my girls all call him dad and have his surname by thier own choice I have very low self asteem and confidence since all this and need help with my thoughts and feelings thank so much

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PeineDeCoeur
Hello everyone This is my first time here and I could use some help and advice.....in a nutshell approx 2 years ago I found out my husband had been having Facebook and text message contact with 3 women he knew from his past 2 of them are not an issue to me one was a sort of cousin of his through marriage so not a lot happened there although I wouldn't talk to a cousin of mine like he did and one was a person he just exchanged sexual texts with never any normal conversation just plain smut.....the 3rd one however was a little more deep and very hurtful to me she was a ex of his although he initially couldn't remember her she was organising her own wedding during the 5 months she spoke to my hubby and in fact got married while she was telling my husband she loved him and always had my hubby also told her he loved her missed her he told her things would be different if md and her fiancé wasn't around she sent him naked pics if herself he claims he didn't send any back but I dint believe him they had a very brief relationship some 20 years ago she told him she was pregnant as a result of that he didn't know because he moved away from the town he grew up in although his mum still lived there right up until last year she claimed she lost the child at 18 weeks she sed she had to go through labour and the hospital wouldn't let her bury her child because she was only 15 and "had no rights" I personally think its rubbish and so does he but she sed it so I have to think about it anyway to today I am hurt angry and gutted betrayed and everything else you could imagine I am struggling to cope and really need some nice ppl to talk to I love him with every fibre of my being and do want this to work he has severe depression since this he has even took a over dose he is in a anti depressant of 45 mg a day at the minute I should add that his overdose was not long after i found out we haven't argued for nearly 3 days now but believe me that's rare I'm so sorry to have waffled on there is more to this we have 4 kids our son has Autism I am really hoping someone has been where I am or maybe someone who has done what my husband has could help thanks for reading this hope for replies soon

 

Hi Caz;

 

I have lived through being wife to a h with severe depression, multiple suicide attempts while raising 2 very young children.. and it is a game changer. It was incredibly difficult and its effects are largely responsible for the end of my marriage. I'm sure you're also aware that medication does not necessarily mean they come out of it. Only time will tell.

 

There seems to be 2 issues in your post - the OW and the depression. Can you add more info about where you two are today? Is his condition improved? Are you afraid that he may be suicidal? Are you suspicious that this OW is still around somehow? PLease note - I'm still processing events that happened 2 years ago! I have a busy job and basically raising kids on my own = no time to actually deal with what happened to me. Maybe things are just hitting you now.

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Hi peine. Thanks so much for your reply. I will answer your q,s as much as I can,you are right it is difficult to be the wife if someone with depression I think j have gone through every emotion you could imagine including a couple I'm pretty sure they don't have names for.......I am lucky in that my kids are not young as such mg daughters are 21,19 and 16 and my son is 11 but having said that this hasn't been easy on them either.....his medication I have to say has helped the downside of his tablets are that he sleeps a lot which makes me feel a bit like a single parent at times....You are right when you say there are 2 issues and one of them is his depression I am not worried about the OW my hubby never met her during these 5 months he just text and spoke through Facebook inbox I know this because I would have known if he went London for the day......I am not too concerned about him being suicidal although it is always there because he did take a overdose not long after I found out if we argue slot over a period of days he does get very low and talks about us being better without him but he claims he means by us seperating and not anything else....I do know the OW is not around I have access to all email accounts he no longer has a Facebook account she get married as i said while she was doing this with my husband and her husband knows nothing About it........my other issue is me my low self asteem no confidence he doesn't feel like sex becàuse of his depression and pills I'm hurt angry upset scared and just want to move on and forget all about it we have argued nearly every for nearly 2 years except the last 3 days I am really trying to move on hence why I'm here I would appreciate any help you or anyone could give me thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply I am doing all this on a iPod do I aplogise for any spelling errors thanks again

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PeineDeCoeur

Hi Caz;

 

I highly recommend IC. It won't keep you from hitting the wall.. but having someone to talk to, who has some context of understanding what you are dealing with and can explain it to you, is very important. Maybe later down the road the two of you can consider MC, but for now, you need some support for yourself to figure out and process the effect his illness has had on you.

 

One of the biggest problems I had (and still have!!) has been his inability to communicate about his state, his feelings. How can I trust him with my kids if he doesn't know and can't tell me? I struggle with this a lot. Maybe it's hard when one partner is high functioning and the other is not. All I know, is I've had to deal with my resentment, bitterness and betrayal - not betrayal because of an A, the feeling of betrayal because he tried to kill myself and did some destructive things around my children.

 

You say you love your h. Going to therapy will help you figure out what it is you need. And then maybe you and he need to try to work together toward that goal. The hard thing is the medication because it does have side effects and changes them.

 

I wish you the best as you try to navigate this... It's not easy and it will take time. Take a deep breath!

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Hi Peine. Thanks again for your reply. You have made a cpl of good points I have thought about IC I have my first appointment with a counsellor on 1st June I realise I need help with my issues and looking to my husband for that help even though he caused my pain is not working I have to honest I have found myself getting angry that HE is depressed after what he put me and my children through I have felt slit of this had been about him when it was him that made the choices that got us here he struggles with the guilt of what he did he tells me he had no idea I would be so devastated by his actions which I can partly understand because this is not me I am usually much stronger than this but since losing my mam and not having her here to talk to I have found this very hard to move on from.....despite everything I am hoping there is a future for us but I have accepted I may have to go it alone one day wether it be because he makes the same mistake again or whether I decide I have enough on my plate without his depression through guilt bought on by his own actions and choices thanks again please let me know your thoughts

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frozensprouts

OP,

sorry you are having a rough go of things. You've got a lot on your plate, and it sounds like you need to take some time for yourself so that you can work your way through the "residual" effects of your husband's online activities.

 

I agree with the idea that getting some individual counseling would be a great idea for yourself. You say that your self esteem has been hurt by what your husband did, and I can totally understand how that could happen. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it's that your self esteem has to come from within you. It sounds like you are a pretty good person who's also very tough...you are there for five people ( your husband, kids), and are also very kind and forgiving. Your husband is a very lucky man to have you.

 

About your husband's depression....is it possible that his meds. aren't working that well for him? Maybe he could ask his doctor about changing to a differnt antidepressant that has fewer side effects and may be better suited to him. Is he also getting therapy aside of the medication? Often, combining the two produces the best results.

 

How is your son coping with all of this? I have two kids with ASD's myself, and I know that any family upheaval is very hard on them.

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Hi Frozenspouts. Thanks so much for your reply you are right when you say my self asteem should come from within me I don't know why I feel this way I am usually a dont care what ppl think kind of person all this business has knocked me for 6 a little......Thank you for your kind words I don't think my hubby feels very lucky at the minute we argued tonight for the first time in 5 days and again I'm getting the blame for it he works nights so obviously sleeps in the day we clash on how long in bed is long enough and today he went to bed at 9.30am and I woke him at 8pm I don't get that smooth of sleep because our son doesn't sleep great by the time he got up our son was settled in his room so he doesn't see his dad for the day and he does this all week at the weekends I work so it annoys me he can't make any time for the family he loves do much and doesn't want to lose plus our son was angry and crying because he couldn't do something on the laptop and H can't get out of bed and see to him it makes me angry I tell him not to wait for me to see to his son and I am accused of "starting" so I failed myself tonight but I have to let it go and tomorrow is another day.......with regard to his depression I'm not sure the mess are working as well as they should but I also think H should WANT to get well and to be honest sometimes I wonder if depression is his family.....He is also having coucelling so fingers crossed we see done improvement......my son is ok he has been affected by this he doesny fully hnderstsnd what's going on but he does know mum and dad row and he does sometimes find it difficult thats another reason I want to sort this out soon thanks again for your reply please feel free to comment further

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What did the two of you DO to actively repair the damage caused by his actions? Marriage counseling to help communicate and discuss how this affected the both of you and your marriage? Individual counseling for the both of you? Have you discussed 'boundaries' and how to enforce them? Has he become and "open book" in order to regain your trust in him?

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What did the two of you DO to actively repair the damage caused by his actions? Marriage counseling to help communicate and discuss how this affected the both of you and your marriage? Individual counseling for the both of you? Have you discussed 'boundaries' and how to enforce them? Has he become and "open book" in order to regain your trust in him?

Hi Owl. Thanks so much for your reply, to be honest we havent actively done anything our lives at the minute are wrapped up with his depression and sometimes it feels like to hell what i am going through because he is depressed. We are not having marriage council king because he is having coucelling and his councillor sed not to have more than one type of coucelling at once so right now it's pretty much all about him he is a openish book I'm not worried about him doing it again because I'll make sure he loses everything if he does I have a lot of issues if my own that are just not being seen to because his depression and guilt over his own choices and actions come first every time to be really honest I'm tired of it now and with every passing day I want out because I just don't matter and it's not fair thanks again for your reply please add any thoughts you may have

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