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Wife had an A, can't sleep or eat!


Hoping4Better

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Hoping4Better

We've been married for 12 yrs and together for 15 so it was a total shock to find out she had an affair with one of her customers 2 days ago! Never saw that coming, I wish I never knew about it, it's a living hell! We have 2 kids, 2 & 4 in ages. When I asked her why, she said she was unhappy for few yrs now and didn't know how to tell me and that A was going on for a month. She got caught b/c of the texting frequencies - texts don't show up in call records - and always wanting to be at work like never before. I really want mess this guy (married as well) up so bad -sent couple messages to stay away from my W - but can't b/c it was W choice to begin with. She says she still loves me very much and I do too, won't ever give the details of A even though I keep telling her I need to know and move on. I am contemplating to give W another try since it could partially been my fault to neglect her in some ways - we had lotta stuff going on last few years - and the fact I did try to save the marriage and if it doesn't work out? oh well, it is what it is. Am I doing the right thing? And if I decide to D, it will be likely 'uncontested' who pays the child support, the one that works or the one that has the kids? I am so confused right now, I really don't know what to do! Much input will be appreciated and thanks for listening to my ranting.

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speedster

sorry for your situation.

 

she did it because she wanted to. that would be (and was) enough for me to file.

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Hoping4Better

And NO regrets at all? Did you have kids to consider?

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speedster
And NO regrets at all? Did you have kids to consider?

 

me? no kids (thankfully). absolutely no regrets. multiple affairs, she tried to have me killed or at least locked up, and accused me of everything in the book in response to my petition for a 'no contest' divorce. she lied to her attorney making him look like a fool while wasting what savings she had by hiring a PI to follow me...

 

good riddance.

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Hoping4Better

Multiple? When did 2nd happen? Can't imagine going through this sort of thing multiple times!

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Hoping4Better

I really would appreciate women's POV as well, please feel free to chime in.

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Former WS here who has successfully reconciled with my H after my affair. So yes, it is possible to reconcile and for the marriage to be a success. However your wife needs to betruly remorseful and prepared to to do the hard work it takes to get things back on track. That means if you have a question, she should be answering that. She should be completely honest, open and transparent with you.

 

She also needs to go NC with the OM - does she still have any contact with him as far as you know? Now as he is a work customer, full NC may not be possible (unless she changes jobs) but she can still stop all personal interaction with him and keep everything absolutely 100% work (I actually still work with the exOM so I know that this is possible). She must also tell you of any contact that they do have.

 

Then there is counselling - you both need MC to try and work your way through this. It is not just about dealing with the affair. It is about dealing with what was wrong before that led to her making this choice. It's not about getting your marriage back, it is about having a new marriage together that makes you both happy.

 

There are absolutely no guarantees in any of this. It is hard, hard work and will take a long time but it can be done - if you both really want this.

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Hoping4Better
Former WS here who has successfully reconciled with my H after my affair. So yes, it is possible to reconcile and for the marriage to be a success. However your wife needs to betruly remorseful and prepared to to do the hard work it takes to get things back on track. That means if you have a question, she should be answering that. She should be completely honest, open and transparent with you.

 

She also needs to go NC with the OM - does she still have any contact with him as far as you know? Now as he is a work customer, full NC may not be possible (unless she changes jobs) but she can still stop all personal interaction with him and keep everything absolutely 100% work (I actually still work with the exOM so I know that this is possible). She must also tell you of any contact that they do have.

 

Then there is counselling - you both need MC to try and work your way through this. It is not just about dealing with the affair. It is about dealing with what was wrong before that led to her making this choice. It's not about getting your marriage back, it is about having a new marriage together that makes you both happy.

 

There are absolutely no guarantees in any of this. It is hard, hard work and will take a long time but it can be done - if you both really want this.

First of all, congrats on your success. And yes we do want this. I've asked her gory details of what, where it happened, she wants me to just let it go saying that "it was exciting and good enough that I wanted to do it again" I get the the why part, says she's been unhappy with me for few years now. How do I bring it up to her to tell me the details? I really need to know to heal and we both move on is my thinking. How long did the hard work take by the way?

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How long?

 

Well in the immediate aftermath of dday, I was still in the "fog" as far as I am concerned and was all over the place. Thankfully my H stuck with me through that although he was clear that if the situation did not improve quickly, he would leave. It took a couple of months really for that to happen and that is when the real work started. I did IC for a few months and we also started weekly MC which we did for 6 months(ish). It was only about 6 months after dday that we started talking about future plans beyond a week as neither of us could cope with/wanted that pressure in the early stages.

 

We argued, we cried, we shouted. We were a mess. However the MC helped us find a way together. We knew we had to talk about "us" and what we both wanted/needed from each other. Generally the approximate guideline is that it takes two years to recover from an affair and I would say that is fairly reasonable. That does not mean two years of constant pain and heartache but it does mean that there is still hurt which flares up now and then and that doubts and questions will surface. The key is to talk when this happens - be proactive in dealing with issues as they happen rather than reactive and having an affair.

 

My H never asked for details (some BS do, some don't). I suspect that in the early stages after dday, I would have tried to avoid telling him (as your W does now). However I also am pretty sure now that if he had asked later on when I was out of that fog, I would have told him. That is how honest you need to be - it is warts and all. We certainly used the MC to talk about what we saw as wrong with us which hurt a lot - but we also made a pact to hug each other as we left the session and to not bring up anything discussed in a recriminatory way later on, especially if the session had been particularly tough or gruelling.

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YellowShark
We've been married for 12 yrs and together for 15 so it was a total shock to find out she had an affair with one of her customers 2 days ago!

 

Two really bad choices she made. 1) The affair, 2) choosing someone she works with.

 

When I asked her why, she said she was unhappy for few yrs now and didn't know how to tell me and that A was going on for a month.

 

You've been together for 15 years and she "doesn't know how to tell you things?" Huh? That's the oldest line in the book. She could have easily told you she was unhappy and needed some changes. It goes like this,

 

HER: "Honey, can we talk?" YOU: "Sure, what's up?" HER: "Well lately I have been feeling really __________________, what can we do about it?"

 

I really want mess this guy (married as well) up so bad -sent couple messages to stay away from my W - but can't b/c it was W choice to begin with.

 

Don't "mess him up." Will only get you in legal trouble. Use that energy and direct it towards the person who drove a bus over you and the kids.

 

She says she still loves me very much and I do too, won't ever give the details of A even though I keep telling her I need to know and move on.

 

Of course she won't. Because the details are worse than she is admitting. It's called trickle-truth.

 

I am contemplating to give W another try since it could partially been my fault to neglect her in some ways - we had lotta stuff going on last few years - and the fact I did try to save the marriage and if it doesn't work out? oh well, it is what it is.

 

You may be 50% responsible for what has happened in the marriage. But she is 100% responsible for the affair. Apples and oranges. You are not responsible for her affair. That's a choice she made.. on her own. The healthy answer to an unhappy marriage isn't banging another man. It just isn't.

 

I really don't know what to do! Much input will be appreciated and thanks for listening to my ranting.

 

First thing is you two need to seek out a couples therapist and hash out the details regarding why this happened. Once you have all the facts then you can make an informed, educated decision where the marriage goes from there.

 

Good luck.

Edited by YellowShark
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Artie Lang

You need to inform his wife of his behavior.

 

Exposure is one of the stipulations for a successful reconciliation.

 

It's wrong to keep her in the dark, while knowing what you know.

Edited by Artie Lang
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Oh brother. She tells you she loves you so much that she goes and screws another man for a month putting your health at risk for STD's? What is wrong with this picture? If she had not been caught she would still be screwing this guy.

 

You must expose this to the OM's wife. If you do not do this then you are sending the OM a clear message that it was acceptable to screw your wife behind your back and there will be no consequences to his actions. What is wrong with this picture?

 

What are the consequences for your wife? Did your wife screw this OM for a month because she knew that if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose? How would she be acting if the roles were reversed?

 

I am sorry to say that your wife does not respect your or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to consult an attorney to understand your options.

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stillafool
I am contemplating to give W another try since it could partially been my fault to neglect her in some ways - we had lotta stuff going on last few years - and the fact I did try to save the marriage and if it doesn't work out? .

 

Don't you dare blame yourself for her cheating. If she felt neglected she should have told you so and not go about seducing another man. What is it with women needing so much attention lately? She is responsible to expose all details to you if she wants to keep you.

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Hoping4Better
You need to inform his wife of his behavior.

 

Exposure is one of the stipulations for a successful reconciliation.

 

It's wrong to keep her in the dark, while knowing what you know.

I agree with you there, but I learned thru a reliable source that OMW got Alzeimer's and I just can't bring myself to do that and that is why I am trying to get W to talk for a peace of mind, if you can call it that.

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Hoping4Better

My H never asked for details (some BS do, some don't).

You think i am too hung up on the details? I feel as though without full detail, it will be a tougher road ahead and I keep thinking about A and focus because I don't know all the details.

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Hoping4Better
Two really bad choices she made. 1) The affair, 2) choosing someone she works with.

It was a customer and since the 'warning' he hasn't shown up at her work or contacted and both our phone #s are blocked by his. She did stop all contact with him AFAIK.

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You think i am too hung up on the details? I feel as though without full detail, it will be a tougher road ahead and I keep thinking about A and focus because I don't know all the details.

 

Not at all - what I meant was that some need to know, others don't. You need to do what is right for you.

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whichwayisup
We have 2 kids, 2 & 4 in ages. When I asked her why, she said she was unhappy for few yrs now and didn't know how to tell me and that A was going on for a month.

 

PPD? Post pardom depression? Look into that.

 

You two have 2 young children, toddlers..15 years of history. It's worth atleast going to marriage counselling to try and work this out - IF you both are willing to work hard together and are both wanting to do make the effort to keep your family under one roof.

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SomedayDig

Sorry you're here H4B. I too have been married for 12 years and my wife had an affair with another man. For FIVE years. We are working on the marriage to repair all that she undid. Notice that? SHE. Not me. That's what you truly need to look at here. Were there troubles in your marriage before the A? Yes. You said so yourself. Does that give someone carte blanche to go bang another guy?!! Abso-f'ng-lutely NOT. Guess what? Both of our wives took the easy street. Having un-encoumbered sex is all that that sh_t is about. No bills to worry about when going down on the OM. No kids to deal with as he plays with her boobs. No YOU to worry about, with the resentment that SHE created in order to justify some guy's crank inside her.

 

No. This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with pure selfishness and ego feed.

 

You wanna work on this and she wants to, too? Well, brother, the only way that's gonna happen is with her doing all the heavy lifting here. She has to give you details that you seek. Whether its simply where they went to have sex or what page out of the kama sutra they chose on Tuesday. YOU deserve an open and honest answer. I ain't gonna lie to you, man. It's pretty f'ng gruesome to hear. But ya know what? At least it gets rid of that spectre hanging out in your brain. Teasing you with all kinds of whacked out sex stuff they "may have" done. But she needs to be 100% honest. And you need to give her a choice. Tell the absolute truth NOW or we are not gonna get through this. Trust me...getting a detail next month is gonna be like starting Dday all over again.

 

Good luck. You got support here. You may not agree with some of the stuff and that's cool. Just don't close your eyes anymore. Keep them AND your mind open.

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Ninja'sHusband

She should answer any questions you have honestly. If she lies it will only cause more problems, not "spare you pain". You will catch her in her lies if she does that. People are smart and you no longer have the trust blindshades pulled over your face. You will find details, I did, however I could. My wayward wife(WW) lied and withheld details, and it was one of the most damaging things she could have done. She lost the chance to show that she could tell the truth when it is hard to. Now I have no trust.

NC = No Contact btw. She needs to never have ANY communication with this guy, not even to tell him what the latest explosive episode in your reconciliation is. It's common for WSs to "checkin" with their APs like that, and it can lead to bad things. I had to start looking at online phone records to put an end to that kind of thing.

 

SomdayDig is right about her needing to do the heavy lifting. She needs to be willing to do whatever it takes, and needs to be proactive about finding *many* ways of making you feel like she is really in this relationship. If you try to do her job for her, it will make things worse, she will resent you for it. If she doesn't do her job....:(:(:(:(, I feel so bad for you. I'm in living hell right now because my WW wasn't willing to do the right things. I finally had it after 6 months of trying to reconcile® and we are at the very least separating. Good luck man, try to keep the anger in check, it's really really hard but it's important to stay as clam as you can. Spend time away if you need to, take breaks when you feel like you are spiraling out of control.

Good luck, this isn't your fault. She chose her own actions.

Edited by Ninja'sHusband
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Hoping4Better
She should answer any questions you have honestly. If she lies it will only cause more problems, not "spare you pain". You will catch her in her lies if she does that. People are smart and you no longer have the trust blindshades pulled over your face. You will find details, I did, however I could. My wayward wife(WW) lied and withheld details, and it was one of the most damaging things she could have done. She lost the chance to show that she could tell the truth when it is hard to. Now I have no trust.

NC = No Contact btw. She needs to never have ANY communication with this guy, not even to tell him what the latest explosive episode in your reconciliation is. It's common for WSs to "checkin" with their APs like that, and it can lead to bad things. I had to start looking at online phone records to put an end to that kind of thing.

 

SomdayDig is right about her needing to do the heavy lifting. She needs to be willing to do whatever it takes, and needs to be proactive about finding *many* ways of making you feel like she is really in this relationship. If you try to do her job for her, it will make things worse, she will resent you for it. If she doesn't do her job....:(:(:(:(, I feel so bad for you. I'm in living hell right now because my WW wasn't willing to do the right things. I finally had it after 6 months of trying to reconcile® and we are at the very least separating. Good luck man, try to keep the anger in check, it's really really hard but it's important to stay as clam as you can. Spend time away if you need to, take breaks when you feel like you are spiraling out of control.

Good luck, this isn't your fault. She chose her own actions.

I am just afraid I guess by her attitude, because she is in the fog right now she really doesn't know what she wants but TRY the counseling, if I push this any further there is no chance at reconcile. If she refuses to disclose the info I seek shows indifference to filing D, I should go for it?

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Whilst there is often a general similarity in affairs, each one is different because of the individuals involved. You need to do what you need to do. Not what Ninja'sH or Owl (whose posts you should read) or Spark (another to read) needed to do.

 

However one thing that is in common throughout is that for reconciliation to happen, there has to be a stage when you are eventually both completely honest with each other.

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Hoping4Better
Whilst there is often a general similarity in affairs, each one is different because of the individuals involved. You need to do what you need to do. Not what Ninja'sH or Owl (whose posts you should read) or Spark (another to read) needed to do.

 

However one thing that is in common throughout is that for reconciliation to happen, there has to be a stage when you are eventually both completely honest with each other.

I am also considering separation see if it will work, what do you think, am I just giving her more 'space' to make things worse? Even a month long, I believe she thinks she has feelings for OM.

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You have to establish the boundaries that you are not prepared to cross.

 

You have to decide how long you can tolerate your wife in the fog. How long you can cope with her being unclear and not fully open. This is for you to decide, not us.

 

I know it's cr*p, but her feelings for the OM won't go away overnight. But your wife should be able to get to the stage before then where she decides that she wants - you, him or neither of you.

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The Blue Knight

I don't detect much remorse or sorrow from your wife in your posting. That's going to create a real problem if you hope to turn this around. If she's not on-board with reconciliation and doing what SHE needs to do to save your marriage, you can pretty much put a fork in it. :(

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