JeepJammin Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 This is not as easy as it sounds. My partner and I found each other after our spouses died. We were together for a year until he took up with another woman while we were very much involved. He kept me on a line for 2 months before he told me he "wasn't getting anything done-needed more time etc" all the classic lines of a cheater. I found out about his new situation just days later. I was a wreck. His little romance fizzled out after 4 months and he wanted me back. I bit. We were together for months, taking trips, having a great time. The whole time he was checking MY phone when I left the room, ( I caught him doing it) seeing who had called me, who text me, who IM'ed me, looking for stuff that wasn't there. I found a piece of paper with my friends names on it from texts they'd sent to me. Going through my GPS to see where I had been. Printing off my FaceBook pages of conversation threads. His own guilty conscience eating at him and I never had anything to hide. I don't know why I put up with it. I was always faithful to him. I was so much in love with him I could not leave him. But I couldn't forget what he did and the pain of his betrayal lived inside me. Last fall, after a night of dinner and drinks, he took off and left me stranded in the city by myself, no purse, no credit cards. (No reason and no explanation until a few days later.... "somebody must have put something in my drink" and "you were talking to that man longer than you should have". ??? It made no sense) I called, text, cried, asked him what happened and to come and get me. Turned out he drove to my house, went through my e-mails, took items he'd given to me, all the while I am sitting in the dark in a church garden, bewildered and confused, for almost 4 hours waiting for him to come and get me. After a 60 dollar taxi ride to his house to get my truck I made it home and figured out he'd been there and left, to find he'd dumped me from FB, opened up a new match.com account and was ready to move on. Blindsided again! No warning at all. He admitted he'd been communicating with the woman he'd left me for before and had sent her letters telling her he missed her and was always thinking about her. But had excuses for doing it that made NO sense to me. He went out on a few dates by his admission, but with other women and said all he ever did was compare them to me and that he loved me. Like a jerk, I took him back. In December I suspected and confronted him about this woman. My suspicions were right on. I was crushed. He took up with her again and had her in his home sharing Christmas with his kids (24 and 15) for the 2nd Christmas in a row. I went far away from him and I had NC with him for months. By the end of winter, after many e-mails, texts, phone calls (I responded to none of them) he was begging me to come back. He would do anything in the world for me, wanted me to move into his house, offering to put my name on the mortgage, wanting to marry me. Wanted to go to couples counseling. He was insistent that he had changed. I finally broke and saw him. He'd lost 20 pounds, looked like hell but professed his devotion to me and says he is 100 percent committed to our relationship. We attended couples counseling together but of course some of the things he did were not mentioned. Just the cheating part. I know this all sounds so crazy, I am just so in love I cannot bear to be without him. My friends and family do not like him at all, do not trust him at all and want me far away from him. He has hurt me, emotionally, manipulated me, lied to me over and over, slammed my truck door on my leg (accident), lied to my friends and family. Not one of them can see why I am attracted to him. He's older by 8 years, not so great in the looks department by other peoples' standards but I think he is. I am a pretty attractive person and would have no problems at all finding other men to date. If they knew I have been seeing him and making tentative plans to spend more time with him and perhaps make that move to his house I do believe that some may not speak to me again. I would not blame them. I cannot figure out what to do. He is financially secure and retired and I am by no means poor. I have the means to move away from him and start over again but I have a great fear that I might be making a mistake because I do love him, want to believe that he has changed for the better and want to be with him but I am also tormented by the thought of him stepping out on me again one day. The trust is not there and he knows it but says time and again that he is doing everything in his power to help me to trust him again. I have never in my life been treated like he treated me in the past and never imagined that I would be, or even put up with any of it. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Are you in love with this guy or with who he was? Get him out of your life NOW... He is using you as a crutch and has serious problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Go ahead and move in with him. Maybe the 3rd time's the charm, in convincing you that you can't have a decent relationship WITH A NUTCASE. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I'm a little slow so please help me to understand, what exactly do you love about him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 This is not as easy as it sounds. Er... yes, it is.... My friends and family do not like him at all, do not trust him at all and want me far away from him. then i would strongly recommend you listen to them, as they've known you a very long time, and have feelings and concern for your welfare. Not one of them can see why I am attracted to him. i have to say, i'm having problems myself.... I am a pretty attractive person and would have no problems at all finding other men to date. go for it.... If they knew I have been seeing him and making tentative plans to spend more time with him and perhaps make that move to his house I do believe that some may not speak to me again. I would not blame them. Really? so you can see their point, where they're coming form, and why this would be? I cannot figure out what to do. Oh don't be utterly ridiculous - if course you can! He is financially secure and retired and I am by no means poor. I have the means to move away from him and start over again but I have a great fear that I might be making a mistake because I do love him, want to believe that he has changed for the better and want to be with him but I am also tormented by the thought of him stepping out on me again one day. Listen to that thought because sure as eggs is eggs, a lying, conniving serial cheater, who bullies and manipulates you - will carry on doing so, because you enable him to do so. guaran'***kin'teed. If a doormat keeps appearing at your muddy feet, you're going to use it to wipe your feet on, aren't you? I have never in my life been treated like he treated me in the past and never imagined that I would be, or even put up with any of it. I don't know what to do. Listen to your family, listen to your friends, listen to your inner voice - and listen to us. this isn't love, this is a needy dependency on your part. You're like a devotedg puppy sucking up to an owner who keeps kicking you in the mud and keeps you chained in the yard, feeding you scraps. would you rescue a puppy like that, and take it out of harm's way? I think you would..... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Oh, and you're in a tug of war? For the love of God, let go of the blasted rope! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JeepJammin Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 You've made perfect sense. I take him back hoping he will change. He hasn't yet. All I have are promises. TM, you've likened the situation to the chained puppy. You are spot on. I am shaking my head at the picture knowing it's true. I know that I am the problem by allowing this to have happened and can blame the excuses of having my sweet husband pass away and the loneliness it brought. We had just moved here from another state, a career promotion for him and he passed soon afterward. Not having friends or family nearby and being alone, not wanting to be alone I guess I was willing to pay the price, any price. A serial cheater....part of me felt sorry for him and thought I could fix him. The other part of me is filled with remorse and self loathing for not running far, far away after he did it the first time. And he probably did it before, maybe a few times before I caught him, given his track record with me. My Mother's best advice and I have failed to heed it: If you hear a rat, you have 10. If you see a rat, you have a 100. Wise woman. Thank you all for your insight. Thanks for the kick in the britches to leave him and get myself far away and never look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Hey JJ, He came into your life at a time when you were extremely vulnerable. Listen to your friends and family and get away from him - go NC. Read this site - there's a lot of great articles, and it really helped me, as well as LS: Boomerang Relationships & The Yo-Yo Girl | Baggage Reclaim 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 JeepJammin, do whatever you need to keep yourself safe, keep yourself well and keep yourself sane. Lean as heavily as you need to on us, and on your family - who will throw a street-party and light fireworks when you tell them - "He's dumped - history - and the me you knew, is back!!" Focus on yourself. I'm very, very sorry your husband and life-mate died... you must have felt the bereavement and loneliness very deeply, but when you're mourning it's important to give yourself the time, space and liberty to become accustomed to being you in your own right again. Don't let anybody hurry that, dent it, or try to snap you out of it. Be your own person, for even though part of you has died, you are, always were and always will be, a wonderful, strong and beautiful woman. You're way too good for this as$hole... way, waaaaay to good. Take care, let us know how you get on, and let us help..... Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 He's not the problem. You are the problem. Because clearly your self esteem is completely broken if you've let someone treat you like this for so long. You should be working on yourself, and not on this hopeless relationship. To paraphrase the saying If he fools you once, shame on him. If he fools you twice, shame on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 yeah, Fitz.... I think you'll see if you read post #7, she got that bit..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You've made perfect sense. I take him back hoping he will change. He hasn't yet. All I have are promises. TM, you've likened the situation to the chained puppy. You are spot on. I am shaking my head at the picture knowing it's true. I know that I am the problem by allowing this to have happened and can blame the excuses of having my sweet husband pass away and the loneliness it brought. We had just moved here from another state, a career promotion for him and he passed soon afterward. Not having friends or family nearby and being alone, not wanting to be alone I guess I was willing to pay the price, any price. A serial cheater....part of me felt sorry for him and thought I could fix him. The other part of me is filled with remorse and self loathing for not running far, far away after he did it the first time. And he probably did it before, maybe a few times before I caught him, given his track record with me. My Mother's best advice and I have failed to heed it: If you hear a rat, you have 10. If you see a rat, you have a 100. Wise woman. Thank you all for your insight. Thanks for the kick in the britches to leave him and get myself far away and never look back. JJ...do you own a pair of sneakers? Well I suggest you put them on RIGHT NOW....and RUN...................................as fast and far as you can.......!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 JJ---you CAN'T control his behavior/actions. You CAN control your own. Your choices are up to you. His behavior towards you was deplorable---IMO--the best thing you can do now is take the time to understand WHY you tolerated it for as long as you did. Please don't take this as me trying to shame you---it's not my intention-- I'm trying to nudge you towards examining your own boundaries & dealbreakers.The more you get in tune with yourself, the stronger you'll feel, & the more clearly you'll see.When you get yourself into that healthier place, you'll attract a healthier relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 (edited) With a guy like this, i have to ask myself ... how did his wife die ? I assume you are quite old (i don't want to be insensitive), i'm 30 myself ... have you not learned so far that women are attracted to jerks who treat them bad. Has this realization not made you want to get away from them for good ? That yo-yo girl article is very good for guys too. Edited April 16, 2012 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 This sounds very unhealthy. You both appear to be addicted to each other. Might want to see a therapist and take a look at your pattern of love addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 JeepJammin, I know it can be very hard to stop seeing this man. Your logical brain tells you to do what is right and healthy, but you are drawn to him. You are not responsible for fixing him or helping him. He seems to have a control over you. Each time you go back with him will just make it harder to quit. Try to stay busy and do as many things as you can to keep your mind off of him. You say you can go out with other men. You should, but please be careful if you think this man might resort to violence. He sounds like a very unstable person. I know this can be hard. Keep posting here for support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 Jeep, I can only echo what others have said, get as far away from this person as you can as soon as you can and block all contact with him. I wonder if you have the strength or self belief that you can do this, but dig it out from someplace and do it. His behaviour and lack of respect for you and your feelings is staggering. Imagine yourself looking on as you see someone you love being treated this way and ask yourself what you would say to them. Then act on it. What a piece of work he is. If you can, begin again, file the experience as never to be put up with again and get your mojo back. Post here for support, the people here are very understadning and have loads of experience and empathy. Take very good care of you, I hope you have IRL support. x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SothrhitY Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Hi everybody! I simply wished to tell you hello. This is my very first post here. See you in the near future! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JeepJammin Posted May 7, 2012 Author Share Posted May 7, 2012 Hi Radu, I am in my late 40's, not really ancient. You did make me smile with your comment. It certainly is a self esteem issue at this point. He's so manipulating, he's put me through the meat grinder, but I do have good news to share with everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JeepJammin Posted May 7, 2012 Author Share Posted May 7, 2012 Hello everyone, I want to thank you all for your words of wisdom, advice and kindness. After much soul searching, I have come to a realization and have broken this attachment. I will arrive at a new life in 2 weeks, moving far away from here, I am excited at the prospect and feel happy again. Surely my reason for going back again and again to that man was born of loneliness and the loss of my soul mate, which spawned the fear of losing another person that I love. This man, however badly he treated me was tangible. The death of one's beloved takes one on a journey not known or understand by many. It's an exclusive club. I could list all of the feelings one's emotions get dragged through, the constant questioning of self, the fears, the indecision, the inability to look forward because we are too tangled with the past, feeling like damaged goods with all of the raw emotions. It will be 3 years this month since I lost my husband. I move away the week of this anniversary. I will celebrate my independence day from the wretched relationship that I've jettisoned, packing up lessons learned, celebrate my new life. Thank you all for helping me. I think I will stick around in here, you've helped me so much, I will try to pay it forward. A giant collective hug to us. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 Big hug JJ! Way to start a new life. Yes keep posting and know that your emotions my fluctuate. Letting go of relationships even a toxic one can be difficult. You deserve so much better than how he treated you. Keep posting and stay safe. Thanks for the update.... Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 Very glad to hear this, JJ. I believe that you're going to find that you'll have more & more clarity, as time & distance helps to work the toxicity out of your system. Best wishes for a happier future. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 7, 2012 Share Posted May 7, 2012 Hello everyone, I want to thank you all for your words of wisdom, advice and kindness. After much soul searching, I have come to a realization and have broken this attachment. ....... Thank you all for helping me. I think I will stick around in here, you've helped me so much, I will try to pay it forward. A giant collective hug to us. Oh good for you, JJ! That's wonderful to hear! Glad you'll be sticking around, and wonderful that you can be such a wonderful example of moving on with your life from both situations. My sincere condolences for the loss of your Husband, at this time. Nice to have you with us - Keep going, lady - you're on a roll! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts