my wife had an extra marital affair for quite long time....

[lonelyplanet]

We are married for over 16 years, me at 40 and she is 41.She is a physician and I am in a professional service.She is the eldest daughter of my father' very close friend.When I was at school,I had friendship with my wife,gradually we started to like each other and got married.Initially both our families hesitated due to the age difference,but as they came to know we were in love so they accepted.

Due to my working place and her study we had to stay separately for over 5-6 years initially.We used to meet after a long break.When her studies were over and we thought of taking a baby,but it was not just happening.We were concerned then,went for medication and advanced treatment in getting a baby.I continued for quite long time and repeated attempts of test tubes.In between I was abroad twice for one year duration each time.The second one was just 5 years before.After coming back home I discovered a different attitude in her,always in good dress as she was out for her hospital,too much concerned for her get ups.I found her keeping her mobile all the times even visiting the wash room,the phone bills were high as well.

She was too touchy about one of her classmates whom I meet first time 4 years ago.Sometime I asked her is there any relation with him,she used to get furious.Anyway I love my wife and did not proceed further on the issue.I used to trust her most unless I checked her mobile call list 3 months before and read few incoming messages which made me shocked,it was full of adultery.And the number is not saved in her mobile and I knew the number belongs to that man,who is also married and with two kids.I then collected last one years call list and really surprised to observe that they used to call almost whole day whenever I am away and used to chat on mobile at least 150 message a day.My mental condition was not good at all,I lost the sense and confused what to do.

Lastly,I asked her directly that is she had any relation with that man or not,initially she denied,as I show her the SMS contents and call list and I was too forceful in asking questions, she said she had relation and had sex as well for few times...I asked her whether these acts were forcefully by him or not...she replied no these were with love,she also confessed that she remains lonely all the time and for getting a baby she had sex.....she also confessed the first time mistake compelled her to go for repeated attempts.She told me if I cant accept her for this misdeeds she wont mind for separation as it was her mistake and I was too sad on aftermath,but she promised me that she wont do it any more and would love me till end.

My workplace is away from her workplace and we meet couple of time together and spent some quality times over last 3 months,I felt very good response from her side.But the problem is with me,I cant almost sleep whole night,whenever I think her affair,I get sad....I think someone touched everything and did everything and she opened up all her assets to just enjoy together forgetting her husband to whom she should be faithful.

I loved her as much as I can,I was never unfaithful to her,in fact,I never had any other affair in my whole life,we don't have any baby,that is none of our fault,its the fate that we wont have it,we tried all medication and treatment,if I at all take her words that for making a baby she went out then why we spend huge money repeatedly for the test tube attempts,why his friend failed to make her pregnant.I know that she just told me this touchy issue to cover her bad deeds,she just passed some wild moments with her friend and begged my excuses.

But even then I really love her from my heart but I cant accept her bad deeds,whenever I see her beautiful body my eyes goes into tears,sometime she observes and sometime I hide the feelings under the darkness of the night.I am burning insight.I am not really sure she would keep her promises not to meet the man in future but I am not sure,I really cant check also.She was in love with that man,a woman cant love two persons simultaneously.I was not in her heart at least for last 4-5 years,she had been cheating me all the times.Now its really difficult to move forward.

We don't have any kid,its very easy to get separated,but I consider its not the solution,I love her truly and possibly I cant restart a new life with another,on the other hand,I cant live also thinking all these nonsense.It seems I am a dead man now,can any one show me the lights........please

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly and I wish that she could really understand what her cheating has done to you.

 

Does she want to fix things? Or has too much happened, she is too detached and moved on emotionally?

 

If she truly is remorseful, is willing to do everything possible to work on the marriage, work on herself to prevent another affair (continue the one she is/was in), do you think the marriage is fixable?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies.

 

Are you in a long-distance marriage? You wrote your workplace is away from her workplace and you met a couple times and spent quality time over the last three months.

 

If so, it will nearly impossible to repair a damaged marriage, especially one damaged by infidelity.

 

Also, culture plays an important role. From reading, it appears English is a second language. Can you share which culture or part of the globe you're from? That's often helpful in understanding cultural differences and nuances.

 

As long as you and your wife remain apart, a positive outcome is doubtful, IMO.

[Bryanp]

You were in the same situation and you did not cheat. You were also lonely. She has put you at risk for STD's and has made a complete mockery of your marriage and relationship. After getting angry at you for even implying she was having an affair she now admits it and says if you take her back she will not do it anymore?.....Oh please. Clearly she seems as if she did not nothing wrong because she was lonely. Why would you ever believe her now and especially in the future when you are separated again? See a lawyer to understand your options.

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions have spoken volumes. She does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[Magnaus]

We are married for over 16 years, me at 40 and she is 41.She is a physician and I am in a professional service.She is the eldest daughter of my father' very close friend.When I was at school,I had friendship with my wife,gradually we started to like each other and got married.Initially both our families hesitated due to the age difference,but as they came to know we were in love so they accepted.

Due to my working place and her study we had to stay separately for over 5-6 years initially.We used to meet after a long break.When her studies were over and we thought of taking a baby,but it was not just happening.We were concerned then,went for medication and advanced treatment in getting a baby.I continued for quite long time and repeated attempts of test tubes.In between I was abroad twice for one year duration each time.The second one was just 5 years before.After coming back home I discovered a different attitude in her,always in good dress as she was out for her hospital,too much concerned for her get ups.I found her keeping her mobile all the times even visiting the wash room,the phone bills were high as well.

She was too touchy about one of her classmates whom I meet first time 4 years ago.Sometime I asked her is there any relation with him,she used to get furious.Anyway I love my wife and did not proceed further on the issue.I used to trust her most unless I checked her mobile call list 3 months before and read few incoming messages which made me shocked,it was full of adultery.And the number is not saved in her mobile and I knew the number belongs to that man,who is also married and with two kids.I then collected last one years call list and really surprised to observe that they used to call almost whole day whenever I am away and used to chat on mobile at least 150 message a day.My mental condition was not good at all,I lost the sense and confused what to do.

Lastly,I asked her directly that is she had any relation with that man or not,initially she denied,as I show her the SMS contents and call list and I was too forceful in asking questions, she said she had relation and had sex as well for few times...I asked her whether these acts were forcefully by him or not...she replied no these were with love,she also confessed that she remains lonely all the time and for getting a baby she had sex.....she also confessed the first time mistake compelled her to go for repeated attempts.She told me if I cant accept her for this misdeeds she wont mind for separation as it was her mistake and I was too sad on aftermath,but she promised me that she wont do it any more and would love me till end.

My workplace is away from her workplace and we meet couple of time together and spent some quality times over last 3 months,I felt very good response from her side.But the problem is with me,I cant almost sleep whole night,whenever I think her affair,I get sad....I think someone touched everything and did everything and she opened up all her assets to just enjoy together forgetting her husband to whom she should be faithful.

I loved her as much as I can,I was never unfaithful to her,in fact,I never had any other affair in my whole life,we don't have any baby,that is none of our fault,its the fate that we wont have it,we tried all medication and treatment,if I at all take her words that for making a baby she went out then why we spend huge money repeatedly for the test tube attempts,why his friend failed to make her pregnant.I know that she just told me this touchy issue to cover her bad deeds,she just passed some wild moments with her friend and begged my excuses.

But even then I really love her from my heart but I cant accept her bad deeds,whenever I see her beautiful body my eyes goes into tears,sometime she observes and sometime I hide the feelings under the darkness of the night.I am burning insight.I am not really sure she would keep her promises not to meet the man in future but I am not sure,I really cant check also.She was in love with that man,a woman cant love two persons simultaneously.I was not in her heart at least for last 4-5 years,she had been cheating me all the times.Now its really difficult to move forward.

We don't have any kid,its very easy to get separated,but I consider its not the solution,I love her truly and possibly I cant restart a new life with another,on the other hand,I cant live also thinking all these nonsense.It seems I am a dead man now,can any one show me the lights........please

 

I understand your pain, brother. I was in the Armed Forces and my own wife had a year long affair with my former best friend. It's really heartbreaking to deal with this type of issue. I'm even considering separation myself.

 

I have no advice for you, just that you eat something, sleep, and exercise while you make your decision.

 

Good luck to you.

[stillafool]

Is it me or does it seem that an inordinate amount of wives are cheating lately? OP so sorry for what you are going through. What are you going to do?

[carhill]

On LS, it appears that more wives cheat than husbands (my perception, based upon reading posts over the last four years) because women tend to resolve their issues in real life with friends and family and don't turn to anonymous forums for help, whereas men tend to keep things to themselves so as not to appear 'weak' IRL and seek help and support where no one knows their name. LS is also cheaper (free) than paying a professional psychologist for help. Men are pragmatic. So, we (LS) hear more men with cheating/unfaithful wives. IRL, my own experience mirrors that. I can think of only one male friend who has admitted to infidelity over the decades. Female friends and acquaintances? Many, many more than one.

 

The positive news is that, hopefully, as painful as it is in the moment, the OP can see that he is not alone and other men empathize with his pain.

[Steen719]

On LS, it appears that more wives cheat than husbands (my perception, based upon reading posts over the last four years) because women tend to resolve their issues in real life with friends and family and don't turn to anonymous forums for help, whereas men tend to keep things to themselves so as not to appear 'weak' IRL and seek help and support where no one knows their name. LS is also cheaper (free) than paying a professional psychologist for help. Men are pragmatic. So, we (LS) hear more men with cheating/unfaithful wives. IRL, my own experience mirrors that. I can think of only one male friend who has admitted to infidelity over the decades. Female friends and acquaintances? Many, many more than one.

 

The positive news is that, hopefully, as painful as it is in the moment, the OP can see that he is not alone and other men empathize with his pain.

 

I have thought about this before myself and agree.

[Fitz]

Man, I know how you feel.

 

Some parts of your story are so similar to what I also went through:

 

-coming home after being away to find her with a completely different attitude and disposition

-her keeping her cell phone close on her person at all times

-her getting angry at YOU for discovering her affair

-her putting way more effort into her appearance

-feeling my chest burn thinking about how she so willingly had sex with other people.

 

Oh man, I still get emotional thinking about it!

 

From what you said, I don't think she intends to really stop the affair. In which case, there is nothing you can do about it. She has to just get this out of her system. And that can take years. Furthermore, she just might not ever get it out of her system. In which case, you may never get her back.

 

The only way to get her back, is for her affair to self destruct on its own. Again, that could take a long time.

[nofool4u]

I cant restart a new life with another,on the other hand,I cant live also thinking all these nonsense.It seems I am a dead man now,can any one show me the lights........please

 

That is where you are WRONG. Although I haven't restarted a new life with another woman, I did restart a new life, and it is WONDERFUL!

 

Now I can safely say I'll never get married again. But trust me, at 40, you still have MANY years left to enjoy life. I just don't think you will enjoy life if you stay with a cheater. Even if you have thoughts of what she did, the mind movies of what she did only here and there, I consider that a life less lived.

 

But its up to you what you do. But don't make the decision based on thinking you are a dead man and that because you are 40 that you can't start a new life.

 

Because you most certainly CAN!

[lonelyplanet]

Thank you very much everybody for your valuable comments.

 

Just to let you all know,its now almost 3 months I discovered and over a long time that I suspected the EMA (extra marital affair). For your understanding the matter (as someone asked)...I live in India,a conservative family where these relations someone can't accept.My work place is away from my wife's work place.She lives in her parents house,she is the only daughter.She is on a post-graduation program which will continue for another a year,so she can't stay with me.I only can visit her on weekends.

 

I need your support for my healing process.Situation in particular....I consider she cheated me for long time,many years,long conversation in mobiles and almost 60-100 SMS a day,reading their last few SMS its evident that they had emotional bondage as well as physical,how many times they had sex don't know.Whenever I ask her to to tell me about her past relation with OM,she keeps silence,only telling that I told you its over,I won't do it again.When I discovered the matter on 8 Jan 2012,she even agreed once about sex that she had 3 times sex over last year.But next day morning she told that she wanted to give me pain and its false.I checked the call list that day and found one conversation for 1 min with the OM.I became confused.But I am sure they did and their 3 days SMS indicates all possibilities.

 

Now that its 3 months over.We meet couple of times on 5-6 holidays,she came to my place and stayed for weeks.I didn't see any communication trace with OM,she perfectly loves me but remains absent minded sometime.Still she deletes all recent calls and all SMS contents (as I checked sometimes in her absence).I don't know as it was the reason for which she was caught by me and now has become more cautious(!!!!)

 

But my point is that I just can't forget the issue of affair,whenever I see her beauty I get into tears inside that how OM used these and so on...(pathetic). I can't sleep at night,take food,work well..I m becoming sick of thinking all these.The bottom line is I love her very much and want to stay,but I am not sure she betrays me again as she was used to for quite a long time.I can't grow trust in her.I know she loves me,but how long she can keep away from OM,she loved OM as well for long time.Can a woman love to men at a time?How do I really know she is back to me?..........thanks for your support

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sorry for what you are going through

 

It is very hard to tell the truth when it is so damaging. Most people in affairs lie about it to minimize the damage...which only really makes things worse.

 

You may be able to create an online profile for your cell phone, I can see who all text messages came from and who they were sent to. There's no deleting anything, it's part of the online phone record.

 

Do you have to sleep in a different place from your wife to go to work?

 

Distance kills relationships. Closeness and intimacy build relationships. I don't recommend a separation unless you guys are having really destructive fights all the time. You need to be as cool as you can, but confront her if you find proof that she is in contact with the OM. Try to keep your sources to yourself if possible...she might just get more clever.

[lonelyplanet]

Thanks for your comments...

 

Can you advice me how should I relief pain,what are the techniques or practice I should try to forget or at least try to forget the event?

 

Can she back to me (in your opinion) in this situation? What are the indications I should look for to make myself understand?

 

Do I need to change certain attitude of mine and approach to repair the marriage?If so can you highlight few?

 

Thanks

[findingnemo]

Thank you very much everybody for your valuable comments.

 

Just to let you all know,its now almost 3 months I discovered and over a long time that I suspected the EMA (extra marital affair). For your understanding the matter (as someone asked)...I live in India,a conservative family where these relations someone can't accept.My work place is away from my wife's work place.She lives in her parents house,she is the only daughter.She is on a post-graduation program which will continue for another a year,so she can't stay with me.I only can visit her on weekends.

 

I need your support for my healing process.Situation in particular....I consider she cheated me for long time,many years,long conversation in mobiles and almost 60-100 SMS a day,reading their last few SMS its evident that they had emotional bondage as well as physical,how many times they had sex don't know.Whenever I ask her to to tell me about her past relation with OM,she keeps silence,only telling that I told you its over,I won't do it again.When I discovered the matter on 8 Jan 2012,she even agreed once about sex that she had 3 times sex over last year.But next day morning she told that she wanted to give me pain and its false.I checked the call list that day and found one conversation for 1 min with the OM.I became confused.But I am sure they did and their 3 days SMS indicates all possibilities.

 

Now that its 3 months over.We meet couple of times on 5-6 holidays,she came to my place and stayed for weeks.I didn't see any communication trace with OM,she perfectly loves me but remains absent minded sometime.Still she deletes all recent calls and all SMS contents (as I checked sometimes in her absence).I don't know as it was the reason for which she was caught by me and now has become more cautious(!!!!)

 

But my point is that I just can't forget the issue of affair,whenever I see her beauty I get into tears inside that how OM used these and so on...(pathetic). I can't sleep at night,take food,work well..I m becoming sick of thinking all these.The bottom line is I love her very much and want to stay,but I am not sure she betrays me again as she was used to for quite a long time.I can't grow trust in her.I know she loves me,but how long she can keep away from OM,she loved OM as well for long time.Can a woman love to men at a time?How do I really know she is back to me?..........thanks for your support

 

Dear Lonely,

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Let me give you my opinion as someone from a culture quite similar to yours. There are so many painful consequences of someone having an A in cultures like ours. First off, then pain you feel as the BS. The there's the humiliation you will certainly suffer if everybody found out. So you're left dealing with the question of whether to forgive or not, compounded with whether you should disclose or not. If you disclose, your family may very well make the decision for you. We both know that it will be to "chase her away".

 

Here's what you need to determine, IMO. Can you trust that she will stop loving the OM? She's been doing this for years...and hiding it. What makes you think she will be more loyal to you than to him and their love? Do you deal with this alone or with the help of LS, or do you disclose to all family members? If you don't disclose now and it becomes known later, what will the damage be to your family (nucleus and extended)?

 

I believe that you should disclose to your family and get their full support. I think that you can't hide the truth even if it's to avoid the painful consequences. Eventually when other issues crop up, you may very well bring it up and then your family will be upset with you. Talk to your parents. Ask them how to deal with this and let them know you still love her. She committed the "crime", let the chips fall where they may.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks for your comments...

 

Can you advice me how should I relief pain,what are the techniques or practice I should try to forget or at least try to forget the event?

 

Can she back to me (in your opinion) in this situation? What are the indications I should look for to make myself understand?

 

Do I need to change certain attitude of mine and approach to repair the marriage?If so can you highlight few?

 

Thanks

Oh man, I dunno if there is any real relief for you just yet. It's a really hard thing to have to endure... I don't think you should forget completely. It takes an average of 2 years to recover from an affair(A). You need to focus on making sure the A is actually over I think. Monitor communication, make sure she understands no contact with the OM is essential to healing. Make sure she understands that you need the truth! If you find lies later on, all the healing and progress will be lost. You will be even more angry or sad than before.

 

There are techniques for distracting yourself so you don't obsess..I don't know much about them to be honest.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would suggest telling your W's parents actually. They can do something to heal the M by talking to your W. If you tell your parents, you may just create a problem for yourself if you try to reconcile ® and they can't forgive but you can.

[nofool4u]

But my point is that I just can't forget the issue of affair

 

Oh yes you will, once you get out and start dating and having fun. You'll wonder why you even wasted any time grieving over a cheating huss.

 

 

whenever I see her beauty I get into tears inside that how OM used these and so on...(pathetic).

 

 

Well something tells me she probably thinks quite highly of herself and will get bored of OM and will never be satisfied with the same man for long. That is not the kind of woman you should shed a tear over. Nobody likes a C for long.

 

 

The bottom line is I love her very much and want to stay,but I am not sure she betrays me again as she was used to for quite a long time.I can't grow trust in her.I know she loves me

 

If she loved you she wouldn't spread her legs for another man.

 

Why would you love a liar and a cheat? Is it because of her looks?

 

There are MUCH BETTER women out there. This is all too fresh for you and you are in what I call the desperation phase. You think by losing some woman you perceive to be beautiful that you are less of a man.

 

Wrong thinking. She is a lesser woman. Once the desperation starts to fade, and it will, you won't be acting like a lovesick puppy and will even start getting angry. And honestly, you need to get angry. Its part of the stages of being betrayed.

 

 

,but how long she can keep away from OM,she loved OM as well for long time.Can a woman love to men at a time?How do I really know she is back to me?..........thanks for your support

 

If you have to ask these questions, then there is only one answer, divorce her and move on with your life. Get out in the dating world and discover that your "wife" isn't worth 2 squirts of piss.

[nofool4u]

Thanks for your comments...

 

Can you advice me how should I relief pain,what are the techniques or practice I should try to forget or at least try to forget the event?

 

Go to the gym, work on yourself, and start dating other women.

[The Blue Knight]

Sorry for what you are going through

 

It is very hard to tell the truth when it is so damaging. Most people in affairs lie about it to minimize the damage...which only really makes things worse.

 

You may be able to create an online profile for your cell phone, I can see who all text messages came from and who they were sent to. There's no deleting anything, it's part of the online phone record.

 

Do you have to sleep in a different place from your wife to go to work?

 

Distance kills relationships. Closeness and intimacy build relationships. I don't recommend a separation unless you guys are having really destructive fights all the time. You need to be as cool as you can, but confront her if you find proof that she is in contact with the OM. Try to keep your sources to yourself if possible...she might just get more clever.

 

Good advise unless the one who is cheating refuses to stop cheating. Then separate!

[lovetoshare]

i've gone through two similar situations. but, unlike you, i did not have to ask anyone else on what to do. i became so angry and hurt, and the thoughts of her cheating were so overwhelming that i had no option but to completely cut myself off from her.

 

 

I too am from India and can understand some of the cultural context of your situation.

 

My response was totally emotional. I did not think. I initially tried to forget, but in about three days, I realized that things were getting worse for me. I could not sleep and I was feeling cranky.. I did not feel like concentrating on work.

 

So I just told her it's over (in both cases) and told myself it's over. Thankfully, once I am hurt, I have the ability to control myself.

 

I never tried to go back to the girl, even though there have been nights when I have cried, thinking about her.. even thinking about how hurt she might be.. and how good we would have been together.

 

But i also know how to be practical. I know that suspicion of her will never leave me, once she has shown that she is capable of cheating me. I would never be able to fully trust her.. and I would constantly end up worrying about what she is doing at different points in time.

 

Love and relationship is about trust. Without trust, you can't carry it forward.

 

Nothing is more important that trust and respect. Love will not last without these two.

 

From what you have told already, it seems clear that this girl is not emotionally 'into you'. She just sees you as a back-up or long term thing, while she has fun in other ways.

 

Sorry to say this to you like this.

 

But try to move on. That is what i did, but ideally, your heart should tell you to move on. I believe it will, even if you give her another chance. Sooner or later, I think you may be forced to realize the truth of the situation.

 

It's going to be tough. You may feel your heart breaking. She will try to come back to you, promise everything. But you gotta listen to your heart.

 

Good luck.

[LoveTKO]

Is it me or does it seem that an inordinate amount of wives are cheating lately? OP so sorry for what you are going through. What are you going to do?

 

Tell me about it. I get hit on by married women on Facebook a lot, and the gym that I frequent is also rife with married women looking for attention, or looking to recapture lost feelings of romance and passion. It's rather ironic that women who cheat always mitigate their actions y blaming it on how their husbands treated them - it's never their fault.

[indian_couples]

I am also from India (not that my username was not suggesting it already!).

 

First of all, not having a baby is a very very VERY upsetting thing for a woman. You see nature created them for just one purpose - having a baby. As a man, you will be knowing it's not such a big thing for us. It's important but it's not the purpose of life. For them it is a part of their life (if some one disagrees, he/she should read some basic literature on evolution theory).

 

The other point is that she is approaching her menopause. That's also a big factor where many (certainly not all) childless women feel emptiness and end up having some affair.

 

I am not saying that she is justifying in what she did. All i am saying is that you should look at her point of view.

 

Here are some suggestions (which i am going to spend some time in writing so will appreciate if you spend some time in reading them) :

 

1) You can divorce her. That will be the end. 16 years gone down the drain. You will live rest of your life reconciling yourself to the fact that you lost her to another man. Feeling that you did the right thing, that she will one day repent it, that one day she will come begging to you. That day will never come!

 

2) Or, you can choose to rebuild your marriage. To do this, read some online literature!

 

You say that you were faithful. How many women hit upon you daily? Most likely none (if you are like most other Indian males, including me!).

 

Unless you are a John abraham look alike, but then again, he was not faithful to his girl (Bipasha)! So claiming that "i was faithful" is not a big virtue for most Indian males.

 

Whereas, she on the other side, must be getting hit upon by several colleagues, or other men. Men who knew that she is childless, lonely (you were abroad!).

 

She got tempted ONCE!

 

My advice, work on your relationship. Give it another shot.

[LoveTKO]

1) You can divorce her. That will be the end. 16 years gone down the drain. You will live rest of your life reconciling yourself to the fact that you lost her to another man. Feeling that you did the right thing, that she will one day repent it, that one day she will come begging to you. That day will never come!

 

16 years gone down the drain??? I don't understand that mentality at all because people change as they evolve in a relationship. If you've had, let's say, ten GREAT years, but then grow apart for whatever reason and get divorced two years later; does that mean that the good years have all gone down the drain? I don't think so at all. It's just a different phase of your life you are venturing into and that doesn't negate all the good time you had together.

[lonelyplanet]

Indian couple:

Thank you very much for your advice. I fully agree with your two options approach. I am focusing on the later on i.e. rebuilding relations. Since last 8 Jan 2012, almost over 3 months now... I can feel the change a lot. I really was very much involved with my work avoiding sparing quality time to her. Again, I thought a lot with many issues like childless, age over 40 and approaching towards menopause, being doctor and serving in hospitals coming across lots of guys and tempted...., frequent distant living.....all made her possibly go off the track... a mistake gave birth to lots of mistakes like a lie give birth to many more lies. But certainly, I lost confidence and trust that I had before. Now, trying hard to rebuilt. I can surely divorce, but I don't want early at this time, I want to see how she changes after giving a chance. Marriage I consider all about feelings and love, if it comes back then I am happy.

In my mind though I can never accept the incident but again I am trying to reconcile. I have seen a positive move from her, she is really changed (at least I could notice such), we are passing quality time, very often we are meeting in the weekends, she comes to my place frequently even her post-graduation exam scheduled after a month. She promised me that she wont repeat. She is hurt giving me the pain. To tell you frankly I could feel that I got back my wife as she was in 17 years back. I wanna win the situation. Thanks to all of you advising me time to time. I want to remain on-board so long my marriage keeps me alive.

[Radu]

Dear Lonely,

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Let me give you my opinion as someone from a culture quite similar to yours. There are so many painful consequences of someone having an A in cultures like ours. First off, then pain you feel as the BS. The there's the humiliation you will certainly suffer if everybody found out. So you're left dealing with the question of whether to forgive or not, compounded with whether you should disclose or not. If you disclose, your family may very well make the decision for you. We both know that it will be to "chase her away".

 

Here's what you need to determine, IMO. Can you trust that she will stop loving the OM? She's been doing this for years...and hiding it. What makes you think she will be more loyal to you than to him and their love? Do you deal with this alone or with the help of LS, or do you disclose to all family members? If you don't disclose now and it becomes known later, what will the damage be to your family (nucleus and extended)?

 

I believe that you should disclose to your family and get their full support. I think that you can't hide the truth even if it's to avoid the painful consequences. Eventually when other issues crop up, you may very well bring it up and then your family will be upset with you. Talk to your parents. Ask them how to deal with this and let them know you still love her. She committed the "crime", let the chips fall where they may.

 

To add to this, she disclosed this to her family and they are standing behind her against you.

You said it yourself, only daughter, highly educated ... light of their eyes ?

 

You should get your family on board to help you, as it is clear they have no remorse about hurting you.