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How long will this hurt last?


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This is the first time I've ever post something, so I'm a little nervous....

 

I have been married for 3 years..., and together with my mate for 7 years. Four months ago, I had an affair with someone, and I thought I died and went to heaven.

 

However, this person, kept giving me mixed signals. One week, I would be the love of his live, and the VERY next week, it was like I didn't exist. He was ready to leave his girlfriend, and I would have left my husband, but this new person, seemed addicted to drama, and not realistic.

 

I finally came to my senses, and realized, that I was making a HUGE mistake, and the thought of ever hurting my husband would kill me. How could I be that person?

 

The man I cut the affair off from, finally told me, everything was his fault, and if he realized it sooner, he would have done things differently.

 

Now, I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't talked or seen him in a month, but there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of him.

 

He was everything that I wanted and more....

 

I decided to stay with my husband, because I thought it would be better to have an "affair" with him and not anyone else.

 

When am I going to STOP thinking about this person, and how long will I feel this loss?

 

Should I confront him and tell him I miss him?

 

How was this "love" with him, so strong, and yet, now it is gone? Where did it go?

 

Why do I continue to long for him? My main question is, I wonder if he longs for me like I do him....? That would almost put my mind at rest....

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I feel sorry for your husband.

 

My wife's best friend cheated on her husband constantly and she treated him like crap.

 

He was a nice guy and she turned him into a bitter soul.

 

You are a selfish person.

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I can't but agree that your behaviour is selfish and unfair. Noone deserves to be 'settled for'. However, there is no damage done yet. Get over it and love your husband even more.

 

How was this "love" with him, so strong, and yet, now it is gone?

 

He was not everything you wanted and more, you have an image of everything you want and more, and you projected that image on him. Soon you would have realised he isn't what you desired. Instead, try to see the things you need in your husband.

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I totally agreed with doniker....you are very selfish.

Please spare a thought for your husband....you have to be responsible for all your actions.

Do understand the pain and agony that your husband has to go through if he ever knows of your cheating.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE FOR HIM !!!

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Forget the other man! stay with your husband. Stop cheating on him! if he's anything like me he may leave you when he finds out. you've already done it, so the damage has been done. i would be honest with him, if you love him you'll tell him! There are lots of things today to fear besides just a divorce "like aids" or other diseases. I had a friend, and the key word here is had a friend, whose wife cheated on him with another man, now they're both dead! Think about it how well do you really know this other man?

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First I think you need to address WHY you are cheating on your husband. If your husband isn't everything you need then why did you marry him? At this point, why do you stay with him? Your relationship with him is obviously broken. He doesn't deserve to have his wife pining after some other guy. That isn't what the vows of marriage are about. You're supposed to love and honor HIM, not someone else.

 

I would suggest couples counseling and if you truly realize that he isn't your ideal mate, then end the relationship. He'll be better off without you if you're going to stay with him for all the wrong reasons. He deserves love and respect too.

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you've got a lot of questions here, but the most important thing you need to do right now is decide if you want to be married or not.

 

If you chose marriage, then give it your all and squelch any thoughts you have of your former lover, because he doesn't belong in this life you've chose with your spouse. frankly, from your description of him as "addicted to drama" and not "realistic," he sounds like a really crappy candidate for ever-lasting love.

 

If you chose not to be married, you need to file for a divorce -- FAST. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone you don't want, and your husband doesn't need the hurt of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want him. At the very least, this will give him an opportunity to pursue a love that's true.

 

X is the one that got away; couple that with your idealizing him as "The One," and I pretty much guarantee you're going to think about him a lot. I'm not sure how knowing he also longs for you will make things any better -- you're only taking the focus off your marriage, and you need to be thinking about that, first and foremost.

 

I feel bad for you, because it's easy to see the grass being much greener on the other side of the fence without realizing that it often is just an optical illusion.

 

work on your marriage first; if you decide that it's not what you want, then do what you need to do to dissolve it before you head out for greener pastures.

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How was this "love" with him, so strong, and yet, now it is gone? Where did it go?

It was infatuation, not true love. Infatuation sweeps over you like a tidal wave and washes away. It doesn't last.

 

Why do I continue to long for him?

Because you want those exhilarating feelings of pleasure back. To seek pleasure is natural, but to get your pleasure without the blowback, you need to be getting it in the right places. Since you've decided to go back with your husband, rebuild pleasure with him. For good, practical suggestions on how to do this, please see http://www.marriagebuilders.com. The faster you rebuild your marriage, the faster the bothersome thoughts of your ex-lover will get cleared out of your head.

 

My main question is, I wonder if he longs for me like I do him....? That would almost put my mind at rest...

You can't really know. It will be easier for you to feel good and peaceful in your mind again if you work on building pleasure and enjoyment with your husband. After a few months, you may even find yourself wondering why you let this other fella take you on a roller coaster ride that left you sick to your stomach.

 

And whatever you do, PLEASE don't tell your husband about the affair.

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PLEASE don't tell your husband about the affair.

 

This may sound as an unethical advice, but I totally agree with Solemate. The only reason you would do this is because of your guilty conscience. It would inflict great pain to your husband. You'll have to deal with your feelings, because it is your unappropriate action that caused them.

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Chances are pretty good that things wouldn't last with the drama king if he ran hot and cold the way you described.

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if you put off telling your husband about your affair- and he finds out about it anyway- the consequences could be even worse. because then he'll think you didn't think enough of your relationship, to give him any credit for being an understanding man, who loves his wife- remember men like to fix things- if you don't he'll never trust you again, and thats no way to carry on a marriage! or he might decide to cheat on you to get back! but if you do, it tells him you love him and want to work out your problems. Trust me, the worst thing you can do is ignore it and hide it .

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Alright enough with the 2x4's. What you are experiencing right now is called withdrawl and it is very similar to the withdrawl alcoholics and drug users experience once they stop their substance abuse. The OM(other man) is your drug and the only way for you to get over him is to avoid all contact with him otherwise you'll find yourself back to square one when it comes to your withdrawl from him. It won't happen overnight (it may take a year) but if you write the OM a NC(no contact) letter telling him that you've chosen to save and rebuild your marriage and that you want no further contact with him as well as blocking any and all e-mail accounts from him, avoiding all the places where you and him used to hang out, call screen all your incoming calls on your residential and cell phone, eventually your desire to reach out to him will disappear. Also confess to your H about your affair because he deserves to know the truth and decide for himself if he wants to continue being married to you (you owe him that much). Don't fall for other people's arguments that to confess to your H is cruel and will damage him and the marriage beyond repair. The damage has already been done except he doesn't know the extent of it . To continue to hide the truth from him is to continue the pattern of secrecy and dishonesty that was the breeding ground for your affair to occur. There is also a higher recidivism of more affairs with people that never confess to their betrayed spouse about their first affair than those that do. Confessing the affair to your H can also help him to reflect on what his contributions were that led to the bad state of the marriage and what he can do to remedy them. Otherwise you'll only be going back the way things were before your affair, do you want that?

 

P.S. I highly advice you to seek the services of a marriage oriented professional like the Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers from the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy the founder of Save Your Marriage Central. These professionals will not only give you much needed support but will also help you formulate a marital recovery plan that will give your marriage the best chance to survive and rebuild from the ordeal of your affair. Don't lose hope, you and your H are not alone.

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