Tibby321 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I did lots of detective work and did find out that my new hubby is cheating on me. I told him part of what i know but not how I found out. He is always saying the same thing, that he loves me, has no one else and I am imagining every thing. I left but he wonts me back but only If i am happy with him. How can I be happy when he wont tell the truth. I have a voice recording of them when she visited him while i was at work. I've told him i know she was there and at what time. Why is he denying it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I did lots of detective work and did find out that my new hubby is cheating on me. I told him part of what i know but not how I found out. He is always saying the same thing, that he loves me, has no one else and I am imagining every thing. I left but he wonts me back but only If i am happy with him. How can I be happy when he wont tell the truth. I have a voice recording of them when she visited him while i was at work. I've told him i know she was there and at what time. Why is he denying it? Because he is a lying cheat? If he admits to it will you forgive him? I am puzzled as to why you are more upset that he is denying something that you have solid proof of .... The mind boggles! My advice? If you want it, is run as fast as you can to a divorce lawyer Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I did lots of detective work and did find out that my new hubby is cheating on me. I told him part of what i know but not how I found out. He is always saying the same thing, that he loves me, has no one else and I am imagining every thing. I left but he wonts me back but only If i am happy with him. How can I be happy when he wont tell the truth. I have a voice recording of them when she visited him while i was at work. I've told him i know she was there and at what time. Why is he denying it? Cheaters typically engage in "gaslighting" -- making you think you're crazy and causing you to second guess your intuition. Don't. Trust your evidence and your intuition. I will tell you that there's a lot of truth to the old saying, "Once a cheat, always a cheat." I didn't believe that when I was younger. I argued against that! Life taught me otherwise. Unless your husband is willing to get help on his own and do lots of footwork to change, there's little hope for your marriage, IMO. He will probably cheat (and lie) again, even if he moves on to another marriage. The cheating isn't about you or your marriage. The cheating is all about him. Only he can fix that. Many refuse to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 I am not just upset but finding things difficult. He has nearly destroyed me the gas lighting etc. My gut tells me he targeted me. I am secure financially, he is not. I am not wealthy but have a good job, pension etc. I dont care about what monies i loose for myself but for my children. I have being very foolish. I am now drained of energy when i need it. How do I play this? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 You go to a divorce lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Why not confront him with your proof of his conversation? Of course he is going to lie and deny, that's what cheaters do until you show proof. Do you guys have kids together? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I am not just upset but finding things difficult. He has nearly destroyed me the gas lighting etc. My gut tells me he targeted me. I am secure financially, he is not. I am not wealthy but have a good job, pension etc. I dont care about what monies i loose for myself but for my children. I have being very foolish. I am now drained of energy when i need it. How do I play this? You don't play it. You TELL him you know he is cheating. You TELL him that is continued denials is only making you respect him less. You Act based on what you know, not what he says. You retain an excellent divorce lawyer (the best your financially secure self can afford) and you find out where you stand and how you can protect yourself in the event of a divorce. As long as you are arguing with him about what you know and begging him to tell you the truth you are dealing with your marriage from a powerless position. Stop expecting him to verify that your reality is real, just KNOW that it is and act accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Also, since he is a "new" husband, the sooner you do something legal, the less chance he has of getting anything of yours. If you think he targeted you, you should protect yourself right now. DON'T WAIT! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Tibbey why don't you ask her why is she coming to your home? You said she sent you guys a Christmas card that said "To a lovely couple made in heaven". Tell her you do not want her coming to your home. It does seem to me that if he wanted her he could have married her but chose you. If he were that much in love with Jane why did he marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Thank you all for the messages. My son has taken the recording to uni to get it cleaned up and put on disk. I can play it to him then. Legally he can claim maintenance from me and claim off my pension; the best lawyer wont change that unless I can get my husband to sign a form to end any financial commitment. This I may be imagining but I have wondered if right from the off they planned a scam. Why he didnt marry Jane, because she has nothing to help him financialy and she clearly doesnt mind sharing a man, but as soon as we married he was then to ill (he said) to be intimate with me, so she has him to her self in that respect. Sad because I did fall for him. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Legally he can claim maintenance from me and claim off my pension; the best lawyer wont change that Where are you getting this information from? Most "new" marriages do not have a very big asset, maintenance or pension claim at all. You should see a lawyer who can advise you of the laws in your jurisdiction. Initial consultations are often free so why not do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Where are you getting this information from? Most "new" marriages do not have a very big asset, maintenance or pension claim at all. You should see a lawyer who can advise you of the laws in your jurisdiction. Initial consultations are often free so why not do it? Yes, yes...this is true. You most likely would have to be married for a certain time in order for him to get anything from you, particularly your annuity. You should go see a lawyer ASAP and tell him to hit the dirt. I agree with your summation, btw, and find his intentions horrible. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Please protect yourself and your assets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Just had a thought, it may not be Jane but another women he was with that day probably Jane though. My son messed up and the recording is deleted. Also my hubby is being very very pleasant to me. I suspect he is keeping me sweet; i now realise that the longer this marriage continues the better position he is in. Have not seen a lawyer as yet due to work commitments plus my sister died 2 weeks ago, funeral tomorrow. Hubby will be with me. Have Friday off work to see lawyer. I have to tell hubby at some point. It terrifies me. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 How do I play this?You go to a divorce lawyer and hand him the papers. Then you tell him that AFTER you have divorced him, if he still wants to be with you, you'll be happy to provide him with a list of things he will have to do to get you to consider taking him back. The first thing on the list will be a prenup agreement that states that if you ever find him cheating again he forfeits rights to everything you own or earn. The second thing on the list will be a polygraph test that he takes. ANYTHING short of that and you are being foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 btw, I'm sorry about your sister. You should not be afraid of telling him you are divorcing him for cheating on you. You should be MAD at him. How dare he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 I am in England; no pre nups. Cant divorce until married a year so going for judicial seperation. I have a feeling he knows its coming. I have no choose. As for ever getting back together, no chance, i want my life back. Just worrying how he is going to react. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I am in England; no pre nups. Cant divorce until married a year so going for judicial seperation. Ah right - my jurisdiction. I also fell foul of the one year rule. It's pretty stupid. Don't bother with judicial separation, it's a waste of time and money. The process is exactly the same as a consent order, so you might as well just wait rather than spend money and have to repeat yourself anyway. I know first-hand how frustrating it can be, but there really is no advantage to getting a separation agreement. Just wait for a year and on the day after your anniversary, file for divorce. After a short childless marriage you will each take out what you brought into the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Thanks for that Pete. I have being looking into the best way to solve this with out costs exculating. Have two children at uni and they cost. I am concerned that if i dont act with something now then he will be able to claim more off me. I have now told him how i know she was there and exactly what i heard. He must of spent all night thinking of an explanation. I had 'it was the TV' 'it was you' 'i played back a video one morning and that must be what you heard' All lame! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I am concerned that if i dont act with something now then he will be able to claim more off me. If it's a short marriage then you each take out what you brought in. "Short" is not actually defined in law but generally it's considered to be 5 years or less. A few months won't make any difference. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Well, surely a visit to a lawyer would be your best step at this point. It will be worth it financially in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 The lawyer also said to wait for the year to be up. It will be in 3 months time. He is texting, calling. I have not replyed. He is demanding I call him. I am hoping he will give up. I have on wish to see him or speak with him (still want to believe him rather than what i heard- he is still denying it) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibby321 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 I an ok with dealing with the paper work but the emotional side is difficult. Have had no contact, his texts say I AM YOUR HUSBAND i have not being unfaithful, please instruct what you want me to do. I dont know how to respond mr even if I should. I am getting on with life but its always with me. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Beware! Cheaters are liars!! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 The longer you stay away from him the stronger you will be. Link to post Share on other sites
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