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How to move past the guilt???


GabbyGirl

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I had an affair with a MM and it has been over since July. My husband has forgiven me but I cannot seem to forgive myself and move on from the guilt. Any suggestions on how to heal?

 

One more thing...my husband and I are planning to renew our vows with our pastors help. I just feel like I need to fix my emotions before we do this.

Edited by GabbyGirl
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You have barely started the process of reconciliation so feeling guilt at this stage is normal. Do you think you (plural) might be putting too much pressure on each other by renewing vows so soon?

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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.

 

I am going away alone this weekend to try and resolve my feelings and let go once and for all. I need some me time and some shopping too. :)

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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.

 

This says to me that it is defintely too soon to renew vows. You are still focussing on the exMM and how he feels about you. What would you do if he said he did love you and wanted to be with you?

 

 

I am going away alone this weekend to try and resolve my feelings and let go once and for all. I need some me time and some shopping too. :)

 

It will take far more than a weekend to resolve your feelings :eek:

 

It will take months, many months

 

You do realise that the reconciliation process will take years, don't you?

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Hi,

 

I am sorry but I have never gotten over people who cheat and then talk about renewing their vows. I do not understand this. You had vows and broke them so what is the point of renewing vows that have been previously broken? If you broke the vows the first time, then it means the vows were just words without meaning to you. Why would a second renewing of vows be any different? Sorry but I just don't get it.

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Good question and maybe it is too soon to renew our vows. I am also dealing with lingering feelings for my xMM. My brain knows we will never be together and that he does not love me.

 

there is the problem with your "guilt". You are still pining for the xMM.

 

And I don't think you need to renew your vows at all. The bolded part above is why. Because if there was a chance you could be with MM, you would have seriously looked into leaving your husband.

 

So you didn't end it with MM because you wanted to do right by your husband. You ended it because you can't be with MM. Therefore, do not renew your vows.

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I agree, unless you are renewing as an expression of true commitment with no reservations. Nothing and nobody intruding, then it would be a sham.

 

Fix your marriage by excising your continued interest outside of it.

Edited by michelangelo
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Hi Gabby,

Fellow xWS here. My situation was different than yours, but I started a thread on the same subject yesterday. Check it out.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t304975/

 

I agree with everyone else on the vows. While you are still in the guilt phase, you're still focusing on yourself. See Anne, I learned something!

Hold off on renewing the vows until you reach the remorse stage. They will mean a lot more then.

 

Good luck!

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Wow I was not expecting such harsh answers. From now on I will figure things out on my own and now I feel even worse about myself.

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Wow I was not expecting such harsh answers. From now on I will figure things out on my own and now I feel even worse about myself.

 

 

Gabby

 

These answers have not been harsh. It is just maybe not what you want to hear. You have also had the same things said to you by BS, OW and WS. What does that tell you?

 

You really do need to think about what has been said to you. If you are still thinking of the xMM then there is no way you should be renewing your vows to your husband at this time. That does not mean you never should, but it does mean not now. You and your husband need to heal more and you definitely need to work through your current emotions and be clear about what and who you want.

 

If you think I am attacking you, go back and read my threads from when I started. You will see then that I am talking from my own personal experience as a former WS. You will also see what harsh posts are really like.

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Gabby what you're feeling is normal, I feel the same way but agree with other posters. This is a long road ahead, you can renew your vows any time! But get over MM (you're not alone, read the OM/OW forum) and then go from there. Learn to love yourself again so your vows come from a place of empowerment and love rather than a need to make ammends. I too know this need so I'm not judging this!

 

To the poster who asked why renew vows once broken? Because life isn't always simple and people do make genuine mistakes, and an A can be a mistake. OP wants a fresh start and a clean slate and to re-commit and this may be a way to do this. Although it does need to come from a place of absolute commitment OP so you know it's truly what you want and can offer it with no nagging what-if thoughts. Have you tried MC?

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but I cannot seem to forgive myself and move on from the guilt. Any suggestions on how to heal?.

 

You commit the crime? You do the time? Welcome to reality!!

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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.

What he is trying to say is there are going to be unavoidable consequences for what you done and its actually necessary for you to "suffer" in a sense so you understand the magnitude of what you did.

 

If you have ANY residual feelings for the OM then you are still in a bit of denial. When most WS are over an A they tend to feel disgusted when thinking about their AP and can't fathom what they saw in them in the first place.

 

You might feel guilty, but are you remorseful?

 

It doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I truely remorseful and appreciative WS would not have second thoughts about renewing vows and would NEVER cast their AP in any kind of positive light.

 

Sounds like you are setting up a false R.

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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.

 

Nope, lol

 

However, all I',m saying is that you did something very, very wrong and deep down you know that Gabby. You can justify it 500 ways if you want but when you do something wrong there are consequences. You are now suffering these. I hope that you are genuine in the desire for reconciling with your husband, and I truly wish you all the best

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Okay I will wait to renew my vows. My husband has forgiven me and thinks I should not beat myself up any longer. My husband is the one I want to be with. The sure was not greener on the other side.

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What are you and your H doing to rebuild your marriage? How are you rebuilding communications? What steps are the two of you taking to help him restore his trust and confidence in you...what are you doing to earn that trust back?

 

Recovery doesn't happen over night. Typically, it takes years to restore a marriage from the damage done by infidelity...if both parties work hard at it.

 

What are the two of you actively DOING to rebuild/recover?

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I know that if your H were to find out this is a kind of hoop-jumping exercise or a way for you to attempt to stop thinking about that OM, it would hurt.

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Gabby,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but your guilt seems to be more from still having feelings for the other man than over the despair your husband has experienced.

That's why I responded the way I did.

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I'm trying desperately to move on from my huge mistake. I am a terrible person and deserve to burn in hell. Ugh all I wanted was help and now I am in tears. I am DONE.

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Gabby, I'm sorry to hear that you weren't prepared for the responses that you received.

 

They shouldn't have been shocking or unexpected to you.

 

But...before you leave, I'd like you to take a moment to seriously consider the questions I posed to you, even if you don't stick around to answer them on the board. They're valid, and they're critical to your marriage truly recovering from the damage that's been done. I know...I'm in a marriage that successfully did so.

 

Think about what needs to be done to fix things...and take the time and energy to actually FIX those things.

 

You'll find that as you put that time and energy into making things right...your guilt will slowly fade as the improvements continue.

 

Good luck!

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Wow I was not expecting such harsh answers. From now on I will figure things out on my own and now I feel even worse about myself.

 

I read all the responses. and MAYBE one could be considered harsh.

 

But in general they weren't harsh at all. You just didn't like what you heard.

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Robf1971...so glad there are PERFECT people in this world! You must be one of them.

 

nobody is perfect, but there are people that don't cheat, never have, and never will.

 

so you can dispense with the "you must be perfect" crutch.

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I'm trying desperately to move on from my huge mistake. I am a terrible person and deserve to burn in hell. Ugh all I wanted was help and now I am in tears. I am DONE.

 

All people are telling you is to not renew your vows until you have stopped pining for the xMM. Sure there are a couple of harsh words, but nothing in the advice you were given should bring you to tears unless the truth wasn't what you wanted to hear.

 

Just do not renew vows just yet. You are simply not ready.

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I'm trying desperately to move on from my huge mistake. I am a terrible person and deserve to burn in hell. Ugh all I wanted was help and now I am in tears. I am DONE.

 

Gabby

 

People are actually trying to help you here and I can promise you that you really have not had a response as harsh as you seem to think. Nobody is saying you need to burn in hell but they are saying that you are rushing things if you go ahead with renewing vows.

 

If there is anybody on this thread whose advice you should listen to, its Owl. His support and advice is firm yet gentle too. He certainly helped me a lot in getting my head straight after my affair - and it took months, many months.

 

I don't know why you had the affair but often it will be because of a head in the sand attitude towards problems in the marriage. Don't now put your head back in the sand because you are upset by some words on an internet forum. Listen to what people have to say - it can really help. It may hurt at times but to be honest, when you compare it to the pain your husband felt/feels, is it really as bad as that? I doubt it.

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