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Confessions of a bad boy friend...


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th October 2012, 5:52 PM   #61
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Let me lay it out for you

The big mistake in the last relationship, was not focusing on the relationship but letting your attention drift outside.

The big mistake in this relationship....is EXACTLY THE SAME F*CKING THING.

Be in love with the woman you are with, and the kid you brought into the world. If that takes putting the past behind you, do it, and do it now.

You give energy to what you think about: you are obsessing with something outside of your current relationship, to it's inevitable detriment.

You are repeating the exact same mistake again, dummy. You can and should stop that now. Learn, man for the love of God.

As another poster said, you now have "buyer's remorse" and prefer the previous model, you now think. Well, you aren't going to be getting back together with the ex now that you have a kid with the OW, after staying with the OW for years. So as yet another poster said, time to man up.

Wishing you clarity of thought and strength in your resolve, here.

Last edited by TiredFamilyGuy; 11th October 2012 at 6:01 PM..
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Old 12th October 2012, 3:17 PM   #62
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I stopped reading the thread after you said the pregnancy might have another potential source....Well my friend I pray for you that it's not yours. Loosing your first love regarding how it ended will never fade. First love is something special to us all even if we hurt those people or likewise the bond will always be there. If it's not yours wish her well and go out there and get your old girl back...
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Old 12th October 2012, 5:17 PM   #63
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"Do I go for what I know my heart wants?"

I can't believe that you're even writing that comment with a pregnant girlfriend. Clearly you want to try again with your ex, and don't care about the damage that would cause to the mother of your child and your unborn son or daughter. I cannot believe that you would even consider this, but I can tell you that if you're thinking all of this now while your GF is pregnant, then the stress of having a child is going to destroy your relationship anyway unless you get the help/therapy that others have suggested. You need to work on you and your issues before you can be a worthy partner to either woman. I would suggest you start therapy now and commit to many months of that before you ever think about if your ex is right for you. You owe the mother of your child and that child to work on you and get you head straight as soon as possible. I'm not saying you need to stay with your girlfriend forever, but right now, you need to support her. Take the time while she's pregnant to not make any decisions without the guidance of professional help. But for the love of God, try to think with more than yourself in mind because there are three of you that you need to be thinking about right now. And the third is your unborn child, not your ex girlfriend.
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Old 12th October 2012, 5:20 PM   #64
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lol...this is a time when I wish I was religous and I could say that "god will work it out"! lol..but he won't...no mystry here...

I screwed up..cheated on a girl that i loved cause i was young, stupid and selfish and lost her...instead of learning from that..i then stayed with the woman i cheated on her with cause i was afraid to be alone and got her pregnant...and the whole time i sat on my hands and did nothing to stop the downward spiral that i had caused for myself. At the time it didnt seem that way to me...but when you focus enough, everything becomes clear. depression has been digging its claws in for quite some time...

People say I have "buyers remorse" or "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome...

I on the otherhand feel tha,t what me and my ex had WAS VERY real and was true love...it just didn't have a happy ending that we hoped for...rather, a very distorted Jerry springer version of what I/we wanted. and I blame my youth, arrogance, stupidity, and just plain lack of knowledge about how relationships are supposed to function normally for the reason I made such a horrible choice to cheat on someone that i could of very well been with for my entire life.

Its not that I dont still love her...aside from the obvious reason why we wont get back together (baby, OW, years apart, cheating), I just know that if it ever did happen...the trust would be gone...

I just hope that I didnt screw her chance of finding love down the road cause she wasted it all on me...that would be the daggar through the heart...i deserve to be miserable..no one else.

I'm letting go...
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Old 12th October 2012, 5:21 PM   #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StormySeas View Post
"Do I go for what I know my heart wants?"

I can't believe that you're even writing that comment with a pregnant girlfriend. Clearly you want to try again with your ex, and don't care about the damage that would cause to the mother of your child and your unborn son or daughter. I cannot believe that you would even consider this, but I can tell you that if you're thinking all of this now while your GF is pregnant, then the stress of having a child is going to destroy your relationship anyway unless you get the help/therapy that others have suggested. You need to work on you and your issues before you can be a worthy partner to either woman. I would suggest you start therapy now and commit to many months of that before you ever think about if your ex is right for you. You owe the mother of your child and that child to work on you and get you head straight as soon as possible. I'm not saying you need to stay with your girlfriend forever, but right now, you need to support her. Take the time while she's pregnant to not make any decisions without the guidance of professional help. But for the love of God, try to think with more than yourself in mind because there are three of you that you need to be thinking about right now. And the third is your unborn child, not your ex girlfriend.

son is five months old...
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Old 12th October 2012, 6:17 PM   #66
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Whoops! Apparently I didn't read the thread very well!!!
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Old 12th October 2012, 8:00 PM   #67
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G R O W U P.

How old are you? Honestly.

Being in a toxic relationship with the "OW" is not a healthy environment for your SON. Break up with her, if you live together then move out, and figure out a custody arrangement.
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Old 14th October 2012, 11:44 PM   #68
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You're sad for yourself

Not the ex and not the other woman. You couldn't stand being by yourself so when things got rough and you broke with the ex at first you found another gf immediately, got back with the ex but kept each gf a secret from the other so you could have some insurance. Now when they found out and your original gf dumped you, you decided to cash in your policy and made the second choice your main squeeze. But now you feel sorry for yourself because you want your original girlfriend more. And if you got back with her of course you would miss something else. I can relate so I'm not just bashing you. I can't do anything for you than to offer my summary, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and you will get smarter and more in tune with what's going on inside yourself later. Take it easy try and learn something.
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Old 18th October 2012, 1:59 PM   #69
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Not the ex and not the other woman. You couldn't stand being by yourself so when things got rough and you broke with the ex at first you found another gf immediately, got back with the ex but kept each gf a secret from the other so you could have some insurance. Now when they found out and your original gf dumped you, you decided to cash in your policy and made the second choice your main squeeze. But now you feel sorry for yourself because you want your original girlfriend more. And if you got back with her of course you would miss something else. I can relate so I'm not just bashing you. I can't do anything for you than to offer my summary, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and you will get smarter and more in tune with what's going on inside yourself later. Take it easy try and learn something.
I am sad for myself...but because I always learn the hard way. Funny how your never as smart as you think.
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Old 2nd November 2012, 9:03 PM   #70
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Jeeeez, the things people do to avoid being single. That's just weak. MAN UP and grow a pair. Do everyone involved a favour - be on your own for a while and sort your act out. Clinging on to a destructive relationship because your ex is no longer an 'option' is not the way forward.
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Old 2nd November 2012, 9:07 PM   #71
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AND - kids start picking up the dynamics of their parent's relationship pretty much from day one. They then go on to learn the same unhealthy behaviours and repeat those same patterns in their adult life. Sound like a reason to stay 'for your son'? Thought not.
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Old 6th November 2012, 12:04 PM   #72
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It's never as simple as one may think Scarlette. Live with your son for the first six months of his life and then come back and tell me that walking away is as simple and obvious as you make it.

I think I owe it to my son to stay and be in his life, cause if I leave she will do everything in her power to keep me from him as long as possible. The system sucks when it comes to these issues. We break up, she leaves to her parents, makes big long sob story up to any fool that will listen and buy her narcsisstic bull****. She is female and the mother so, naturally I AM the bad guy in any and all instances as long as she pre-emptivly makes up a story before the truth can be told.

I know she has some sort of narcissistic personallity disorded that makes her fel the need to be the victim of any and all situations. (i.e. I called you a loser and a faggot infront of your son, BUT if you had only done this or said this then I wouldn't have had to act like that)

I feel like if I can keep my cool, gather enough eveidence of her behavior and present it to her and her family in a way that cannot be ignored maybe she will seek help and change her self for the future of her son, if not for her future relationships.

And yes, the recording device is now on when she enters the room......
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Old 6th November 2012, 2:08 PM   #73
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Op -



you mentioned Karma in one of your post ...
The good ole ... what comes around goes around !!!
Have you ever stopped and backed up from this whole situation ?!?!?!?
in reading through all of this thread ... several things come to mind!

1: the regret .. the guilt .. I don't know if those feeling will ever subside ... but maybe it's best that they never fully go away! Like you said ... let it be a consistent reminder of the heart you broke. (that poor girl who loved you .. yet you betrayed!) Maybe that in itself is Karma returning for you!

2: the life you now live... A child is the most precious gift anyone could ever receive / experience. I understand your need and want to stay for that child ... but staying for that child alone will do more damage than you can even imagine! If you are not happy and cannot find happiness in your new life ... then stand up and own it !!! Quit living a lie !!! The lies are what got you into this mess to beginning with !!! Life is not perfect .. Life is not always fair ... however trying to stay only for the child is only asking for more of the stupid mistakes (as you called it!) sorry if that sounds harsh ... but come on !!! early on you stated that you had learned your lesson and that you would never ever cheat again ... so correct me if I am wrong ... but seems like I read on one of your more recent post about how "an affair" was back on your mind (primarily because you aren't happy and keep thinking about your EX) !!!!!

3: Last but not least ... STOP ... look .. and listen to yourself !!! the answers that you are seeking are within you!!!
no one can choose your path of life ... only you have control over it ... No one can change you .. only you can change yourself ...
Stop hurting the people around you ...
you destroyed your Ex's life with your betrayal ... you are destroying any chances of having a happy family now because you are "thriving on ex" ...
you are going to destroy you son's perspective of his father when the time comes and you fall off the wagon and end up having another affair !!!

again I don't mean to sound so harsh ... but maybe everything that you are going through can be simply defined under the laws of Karma. You get what you give ... you gave destruction and heart ache ... therefore it sounds like you yourself are receiving that same payback (maybe even 10 fold)

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Old 6th November 2012, 4:05 PM   #74
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yes, that thought has crossed my mind many times during horrible blow ups at home. I often think to myself, "this is what it felt like for her" or "this is what I get for cheating on her" during arguments. Karma.

But then why have I been given this son? what did I do to deserve him? Perhaps, I've been given the chance to help someone not make the same stupid mistakes I did? Perhaps that is MY karma? It's the only good I can see in this mess!
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Old 6th November 2012, 5:34 PM   #75
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sour_pikle View Post
But then why have I been given this son? what did I do to deserve him?
first and foremost ... your son is a beautiful gift that never asked for any of this .. .so be grateful for the gift and cherish every moment. Children grow up way too fast!
Don't confuse the "gift of your son" with everything else that is going on.

Take this into consideration:
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction ... your actions from the past have come back around and you are paying for them in an equal yet opposite way!
I don't think it really matters if you are 4 years into a relationship or 20 years in ... the devastation is the same.
it destroyed me .. every sense of me! I was lost and confused ... and although I knew it wasn't my fault I begin to question myself. I can relate to every aspect of what your Ex must have one through and felt.
In the same respect I have watched my husband and the past 2.5 years have been so extremely difficult for him. NOT because he still think about the OW .. but the burden of the guilt and knowing how bad he hurt me and our family is something that has been extremely difficult to come to terms with!
That being said .. you may - or may not - ever find the inner peace that you seem to be desperately seeking!!! The guilt and the hurt may be your pay back (so to speak).

Maybe you have been given such a beautiful gift (a son) to have that chance NOT just to raise him .. but to teach him!
Children don't just grow up as "responsible adults!" They must be taught!
You teach your children and raise them based upon your own beliefs .. and sometimes based upon your own experiences in life.
(I though this would be relatively easier to type out and explain ... but I am finding it rather difficult !!!)

Let try this ...
Hurricane Sandy has just hit the east cost and thousands and thousands of families have lost everything. Do you know what that's like ? Do you know their pain and what they must be dealing with ? Most likely unless you have lived in a direct path of a hurricane and lived through something like this yourself ... the answer is NO!!!
You feel sorry for them and you try to imagine what it would be like .. but unless you have walked in their shoes ... how could you really know !!!
The flip side of that is that I myself HAVE walked in those shoes !!! My home flooded in 2001 and I lost everything ! So I can absolutely relate and understand both the physical and emotional devastation that goes along with a life event such as that! I don't just say man that stinks .. or oh I am so sorry that that has happened to all of those families ... It's like in your mind you know man that must really suck ... or oh my goodness my heart goes out to those people ... but to really grasp the effects of something like that ... I think you need to be able to actually walk in those same shoes !!!

In relation to an affair ...
If you had never had one ... or never betrayed someone ... could you honestly relate to an affair or understand the damages of an affair to the extent that you do now? Most likely the answer would be "No!"
With that said ... anyone can teach children basic "rights" from "wrongs." You on the other hand have a little more of an in depth background to base "right" and "wrong" off of !!!
generally speaking ... I hope that this affair has taught you that it was not just "you" that this affected ...
everything in life should be a learning lesson! Take with you your own lesson in life and find a way to apply them in being able to teach others (your son, your friend, your co-workers, etc.etc.)
AND NO - I am not telling you to use the affair and teach your son about "affairs based upon your own experiences!!!" I am simply speaking in general when it comes to "right" and "wrong" .. sometimes "bad decision" affect so many other people than just "you" !!!

Maybe having a son and having the ability to teach a child "right" and "wrong" and how the bad decision affect others ... maybe that is a tool for you to grow / heal / find some peace.

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