hollywood Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I had what most consider an emotional affair on my wife. My wife knows of this woman and knows we work for the same company. She knows that we went to the bar together as a group of work friends. My wife and I have had problems now for about 5 months and within the last three the problems have intensified. Most of this is due to the other woman. She thinks I tell this woman all my problems and emotional thoughts. I have talked to her as a friend and she has told me of how her previos marriage failed and offered some insights. In absolutely no way has she encouraged me to break things off with my wife. We do have in interest in each other but neither of us have acted upon it any further than talking occasionally over lunch here at work. I have been honest with my wife that we have discussed this attraction to each other but have not acted upon it. Our problems stem from basically we have taken each other for granted for the past three years and in her mind I have not been pulling my weight with the raising of our son. I admit that I could have done more in the past but I do share daycare responsibility. In my mind are problems are due to her lack of communication from telling me her issues and keeping them buried and withholding sex as a result. We have been in counseling for the past two months and just recently she brought up the other woman as her biggest stumbling block. I can understand her worries but I have assured her that there is nothing between us and I want to try and fix our relationship. I have also asured her that I have broken contact with this woman but occasionaly run in to her at work. I could go on but my question is should a marriage fail because I have stepped over the line with talking to another woman to which has led to a complete loss of trust in me from my wife? Am I doomed never to be trusted again? I cannot live by being accountable for every last second of the day. I don't feel I have cheeted on my wife because I have been able to resist a sexual affair. I feel like I am being punished for the crime that I haven't commited and if it continues I might as well go further if not with this woman but with another. I am looking for opinions so fire away! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Automatic end? No. Keep working on the counseling. You guys have issues, and here's one of the biggest symptoms that I heard: I don't feel I have cheeted on my wife because I have been able to resist a sexual affair. I feel like I am being punished for the crime that I haven't commited and if it continues I might as well go further if not with this woman but with another. Being married should mean being able and willing to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Your wife is hurt and angry over the ways you have let her down, which include not pulling your fair share of the load at home, and letting another woman come between you emotionally. Three cheers for "resisting sex" (sarcasm intended), and a loud raspberry for threatening a retaliatory/punitive affair. I don't think it's right that you never be trusted again. Just two points: Trust has to be rebuilt, and Building trust takes time and effort. How much time and real effort are you willing to invest? How much time does she need, and what will rebuild trust ? I recommend working on this issue in your counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I don't feel I have cheeted on my wife because I have been able to resist a sexual affair. This is a really narrow and self-serving definition of cheating. I don't believe there is any such thing as an "emotional affair" - it is just an affair in which you are not (yet) having sex. The betrayal has already occurred; the fact that you haven't had sex is just a technicality, especially since you have admitted to your wife that you'd like to. Frankly, I would much rather that my husband have a "sexual affair" with no emotions involved than an "emotional affair" with no sex involved (but desired). I feel like I am being punished for the crime that I haven't commited and if it continues I might as well go further if not with this woman but with another. Your crime is that you have betrayed your wife's trust. Threatening to continue or deepen the betrayal will help nothing. If you are seriously interested in regaining it, I believe you wil have to both acknowledge that and go through counseling with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 What made you stop communicating with your wife and start talking to this chick?? When my hubby told me about his affair, the I felt sick to my stomach but when he told me that on and off he'd talked to her since we'd been married (we'd been married almost 15 yr by then) I wanted to die!! Giving his body to her was against our vows and was wrong but giving her his heart was devastating!! I don't know if other women feel this way but that was the way I felt......continue to NOT act on your feelings but try hard to withdraw your heart from this person....your wife needs it!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 giving her his heart was devastating!! I don't know if other women feel this way Absolutely! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Emotional Affair"...Should it be automatic end to marriage? No, but it should send up distress flare signals.....lots of them... and like moimeme stressed, it is an absolutely devastating experience to know your love has given his heart to another.. Hollywood, you and your wife have some woodshedding to do... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerEyes Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee What made you stop communicating with your wife and start talking to this chick?? When my hubby told me about his affair, the I felt sick to my stomach but when he told me that on and off he'd talked to her since we'd been married (we'd been married almost 15 yr by then) I wanted to die!! Giving his body to her was against our vows and was wrong but giving her his heart was devastating!! I don't know if other women feel this way but that was the way I felt......continue to NOT act on your feelings but try hard to withdraw your heart from this person....your wife needs it!! Emotional Infidelity is SO painful because there is no denying there were real feelings involved...where the physical you could say, was just physical.... The public needs to be educated on Emotional Infidelity. I absolutely agree with you! It is horrifying. Link to post Share on other sites
iminnocent Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 How we can we consider an emotional affair communicating with a member of the opposite sex re our marital problems, sexual problems, etc. when most of us are doing just that here on this forum??? Does it only apply if we know the person in real life? I communicate with a member of this forum and we have become dear friends via email. We are helping each other through a very painful time with our SOs so I don't feel comfortable telling my SO. We do value each other's advice/insight but their is NO WAY I would consider this an emotional affair! I am 10 years his senior!!! I'm sorry but I think human beings can be good friends to each other without making it wrong or feeling guilty about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerEyes Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by iminnocent How we can we consider an emotional affair communicating with a member of the opposite sex re our marital problems, sexual problems, etc. when most of us are doing just that here on this forum??? Does it only apply if we know the person in real life? I communicate with a member of this forum and we have become dear friends via email. We are helping each other through a very painful time with our SOs so I don't feel comfortable telling my SO. We do value each other's advice/insight but their is NO WAY I would consider this an emotional affair! I am 10 years his senior!!! I'm sorry but I think human beings can be good friends to each other without making it wrong or feeling guilty about it. That is fantastic! I am happy for you. If you hold tight to your boundries and he does his....then no emotions will become confused, or INFLATED because you rely so heavily on each other. Does the friendship cross ANY boundries, emotionally? Do u depend on this new friend more than your SO.....then and ONLY then does the relationship cross boundries. When you are keeping secrets, and denying feelings, and not making your SO a priority in your life, your true partner with whom you share everything/your most intimate thoughts and feelings, TEHN it's wrong. A Shoulder to lean on, with the appropriate boundries is not what we are discussing here. Emotional Infidelity is NOT CASUAL FRIENDSHIP with a member of the opposite sex. It is much different and crosses MANY boundries of a healthy relationship. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 hollywood, I hope you will read and re-read the posts from people like cdn, VivianLee, Skittles and Tigereyes. They describe the pain and devastation of emotional affairs better than I ever could have. Sadly, the only time that a person can truly understand what an emotional affair does to an unsuspecting spouse is when it happens to them. Iminnocent, do you really believe you can compare posting on this website to having an emotional affair with another poster? That simply hurts people like me so much. There are many people on this website (men and women alike) who have been incredibly wonderful and supportive to me personally after my husband's emotional affair with my best friend. Without their insight and cybersupport, it would have been an unbearable time for me. Speaking just for me, I think I might feel uncomfortable if I became close enough to one of them to start a private, continuous cyber-friendship/relationship with them. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to know just how devastating it feels to have been excluded from my husband's needs, wants, worries, dreams and desires. I'm not saying that you are wrong in doing so -- far be it for me to judge. I just felt better saying that. Makes me feel like my own head is on straight and that's all that's important. To the above mentioned loveshackers, thank you for posting so eloquently. I feel so much less alone. Kay Link to post Share on other sites
TigerEyes Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by Kay To the above mentioned loveshackers, thank you for posting so eloquently. I feel so much less alone. Kay Sweetie, I KNOW the pain too, and I am still not over the heartbreak of it.....and you said it exactly right that NOONE knows until they are the unsuspecting spouse, who trusts their mate. Keep your head up. I'm thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerEyes Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by Kay hollywood, I hope you will read and re-read the posts from people like cdn, VivianLee, Skittles and Tigereyes. They describe the pain and devastation of emotional affairs better than I ever could have. Kay Kay, If you want resources about what you're going thru....there is A LOT available online. Emotional Infidelity is becoming much more recognized as people, unfortunately are suffering thru it. I wish you happiness, love, and the ability to trust again. Link to post Share on other sites
peakey Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Originally posted by Kay how devastating it feels to have been excluded from my husband's needs, wants, worries, dreams and desires. Kay, I think you have described in one short sentence why an emotional affair is so painful. I struggled for a long time to put it into words, but you've done it. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely in LV Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 What made you stop communicating with your wife and start talking to this chick?? When my hubby told me about his affair, the I felt sick to my stomach but when he told me that on and off he'd talked to her since we'd been married (we'd been married almost 15 yr by then) I wanted to die!! Giving his body to her was against our vows and was wrong but giving her his heart was devastating!! I don't know if other women feel this way but that was the way I felt......continue to NOT act on your feelings but try hard to withdraw your heart from this person....your wife needs it!! When I read your post, I couldn't believe it. The same horror happened to me. I discovered my husband's infedelity 10 years and found out in March that he had continued his "friendship" with this tramp since. He defended his position by accusing me of being "unforgiving, holding a grudge and seeing it as black and white." plus a lot of other double talk. How have you coped with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts