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Emotional (or maybe more) affair, my wife and friend


mcaetano

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Hi,

 

Before i start this i have to go a few years back and explain an emotional affair that my wife had with a friend of mine.

 

About 7 years ago (we were 23 back then) me and my wife had the custom to invite friends to our house, as everyone i might think. After some time our friends "invite list" were reduced to 1, wich went to our house every day. Our marriage was ok (not the best marriage but we were doing preety well), and i didnt noticed their flirts ad the beggining, until some day i did... and confronted my wife (wich denied everything and said, noo, its only friendship) with this, didnt ended well since my wife doesnt go well with emotional pressure, never did. Their "friendship" basicly turned my life into a living hell, after some time she basicly told me that she liked us both in differend ways... i took those words in my head... after some days took them both to a bar and confronted them directly and said... im sick and tired of all this.... if this goes on im out even loving her. she backed down and we rearranged our relationship.

 

After some years (about 3 years later) we invited another friend to our house so he could live there until he could get a job and a place (took him about 2 months at most to settle), by then we were great friends and when i noticed again, there was that friendshi again, but this time was he that was in love with my wife and she was just "raising" her female ego, my guess is that she cant notice the diference between friendshipo and some more, never had an interest in him... i just talked to him and her and made my point that this situation was bothering me and i never saw him again for 4 years.... after 4 years... life took us to that guy again, but now... i think that i might be in a worse case...

 

 

After those issues, ive created a depresion without noticing it and went a bit solo on ourt wedding, including being in an online game (starting about the time i was feeling bad with that second guy i told you and my wife friendship), i was just damn lonely, feeling left asside, and had to hold on to something, thing is... probably that destroyed my wedding even after i started "detoxing" from that stupid game.... now she tells me she isnt sure what she wants, that probably we could try to be 1 month or so appart so we can see if there is something between us or not (well from me it is, i love her damn much, just not sure about her anymore), ive told her that we could try a different approach, by trying at home and if it goes bad we split up for a time so we can see how things go... but now... that damn idiot (the friend ive gave shelter, damn backstabber) is using her friendship (they were really good friends back then) every day.... she invites him to our home (with me here) every day, i feel set asside in conversations, they even played in the water in the beach.... i thing that there is something there even with her swearing to me that if there was something she would say it from the start.

 

I love this women, probably its being bad for my health, but i just love her, we have 2 kids (1 with 4 1 with 10), a regular life, a marriage that is on a bad moment (there is my fault there, i know it, but not only mine im sure), and i feel im losing her.... and probably to a scumbag liar that uses every moment to make ker smile laugh and feel understanded. she is falling for it, or i think she is... i have no idea what to do... some part of me tells me that i should end it, but my heart doesnt let me do it... im so lost.

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Tell him to stay away from your family, if necessary get a R O.

 

Tell her this stops completely, if she refuses then take away all finances. Let her see what life will be like if she has to finance herself.----Put all money in an acct., with only your name on it---cancel all credit cards with her name on them

 

Tell her she is now responsible for half of all the bills, mtg., car, insurance, health insurance, utilities, food, everything----make sure she spends her fair share of the time taking care of the kids

 

I am willing to bet, that once she sees reality, and these scum friends who live off of you and her, are worthless, she will see the light of day.

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You have a couple of choices here.

 

You can try to reconcile your marriage...which means you need to put an end to the current affair (and it IS an affair, as she's clearly placing more value on her relationship with him than her relationship with you).

 

Or you can decide that your marriage isn't reconcilable.

 

I'd tell you honestly...from my perspective, your wife had done this to you TWICE. This indicates a lot about her...and makes the chance of true reconciliation pretty much impossible...IN MY OPINION. I think this indicates a lot about her character...and that bodes horribly for your marriage.

 

So the first step is to CHOOSE what you want to do from here. Either try to reconcile the marriage, or end it.

 

But make sure you're making an 'informed' decision. Reconciliation with a "serial cheater" who has a history of having done this isn't a high success rate deal.

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And since there is a history of inviting "friends" to live with your family, I suggest you stop doing that in the future.

 

Or, if you really want to have a "friend" live with you, why not make it a lady friend? (this could turn out to be an interestingly bad idea)

 

Your wife needs to develop some boundaries with male friends, and you need to learn from the past.

 

And jnj is right. You need to protect yourself financially now.

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And since there is a history of inviting "friends" to live with your family, I suggest you stop doing that in the future.

 

^^^ This. and...

 

...she's clearly placing more value on her relationship with him than her relationship with you)....

 

I'd tell you honestly...from my perspective, your wife had done this to you TWICE. This indicates a lot about her...and makes the chance of true reconciliation pretty much impossible...IN MY OPINION. I think this indicates a lot about her character...and that bodes horribly for your marriage.

 

^^^ This.

 

This seems to be a pattern with your wife. I would say you have one last chance to reconcile. Whatever you do don't be a needy wimp - (it's a turnoff) - but move mountains to reconcile if that is what you want. Your wife *must* be on board 100% though, and understand that one more "guy issue" is a total deal breaker. It is boundary that cannot be crossed again.

 

Good luck.

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John Michael Kane
Hi,

 

Before i start this i have to go a few years back and explain an emotional affair that my wife had with a friend of mine.

 

About 7 years ago (we were 23 back then) me and my wife had the custom to invite friends to our house, as everyone i might think. After some time our friends "invite list" were reduced to 1, wich went to our house every day. Our marriage was ok (not the best marriage but we were doing preety well), and i didnt noticed their flirts ad the beggining, until some day i did... and confronted my wife (wich denied everything and said, noo, its only friendship) with this, didnt ended well since my wife doesnt go well with emotional pressure, never did.

 

It's not that she didn't go well with emotional pressure, it's because she didn't want to own her callous behavior.

 

Their "friendship" basicly turned my life into a living hell, after some time she basicly told me that she liked us both in differend ways... i took those words in my head... after some days took them both to a bar and confronted them directly and said... im sick and tired of all this.... if this goes on im out even loving her. she backed down and we rearranged our relationship.

 

You should've left then and there. She only wanted to "fix" things because you said something about it, not because she actually cared from within herself.

 

After some years (about 3 years later) we invited another friend to our house so he could live there until he could get a job and a place (took him about 2 months at most to settle), by then we were great friends and when i noticed again, there was that friendshi again, but this time was he that was in love with my wife and she was just "raising" her female ego, my guess is that she cant notice the diference between friendshipo and some more, never had an interest in him... i just talked to him and her and made my point that this situation was bothering me and i never saw him again for 4 years.... after 4 years... life took us to that guy again, but now... i think that i might be in a worse case...

 

He was never your friend if he and your wife were fooling around in your home.

 

After those issues, ive created a depresion without noticing it and went a bit solo on ourt wedding, including being in an online game (starting about the time i was feeling bad with that second guy i told you and my wife friendship), i was just damn lonely, feeling left asside, and had to hold on to something, thing is... probably that destroyed my wedding even after i started "detoxing" from that stupid game.... now she tells me she isnt sure what she wants, that probably we could try to be 1 month or so appart so we can see if there is something between us or not (well from me it is, i love her damn much, just not sure about her anymore),

 

So you played on an online game and she tries to use that to excuse her cheating?

 

ive told her that we could try a different approach, by trying at home and if it goes bad we split up for a time so we can see how things go... but now... that damn idiot (the friend ive gave shelter, damn backstabber) is using her friendship (they were really good friends back then) every day.... she invites him to our home (with me here) every day, i feel set asside in conversations, they even played in the water in the beach.... i thing that there is something there even with her swearing to me that if there was something she would say it from the start.

 

So you just let your wife cuckold you? Just let her disrespect you? Wow man.

 

I love this women, probably its being bad for my health, but i just love her, we have 2 kids (1 with 4 1 with 10), a regular life, a marriage that is on a bad moment (there is my fault there, i know it, but not only mine im sure), and i feel im losing her.... and probably to a scumbag liar that uses every moment to make ker smile laugh and feel understanded. she is falling for it, or i think she is... i have no idea what to do... some part of me tells me that i should end it, but my heart doesnt let me do it... im so lost.

 

You need to end it. Your kids will be fine if you split up from her.

 

Divorce.

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John Michael Kane
which means you need to put an end to the current affair

 

No she needs to end the affair, him trying to do that is impossible and warped. That's her responsibility to act as an adult.

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Well, for her to suggest that you two take a month off to "see if she still loves you" is stupid. The REAL reason to have you move out for a month is to engage in an affair without you around. So, good on you for saying no to that. Start snooping around and collect evidence of an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. If you don't have proof, then she's going to deny it until the cows come home. Look through phone records and install a keylogger on your computer for starters.

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No she needs to end the affair, him trying to do that is impossible and warped. That's her responsibility to act as an adult.

 

I don't disagree with you, JMK. In a perfect world where everyone acted as an adult, you're right, that's how it SHOULD happen.

 

In reality though...often times it will only happen once the BS sets some serious boundaries and diligently enforces them.

 

Once reality starts to intrude on the affair...then she is more likely to end the affair. I'd agree that it would be better if she ended the affair before that...but as we've seen on numerous threads here, it usually takes some kind of external influence to start that process.

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I think that some of you are right in diferent aspects , but thats not what i need to let out.... the thing is... this women is the love of my life, weve been 2gether for 11 years now... i actualy have no clue how to take this pain away and get my mind straight on this matter... you can call me needy, pussy or whatever you want , but... i actualy cant believe that there is a possible life without her.... i know there is, but its unthinkable in my point of view... how does a person that loves another 1 so much as i do releases this burden? where do i get the strenght to do that? what if there was a chance to reconcile and i just threw it all away..... damn, i know i look like a 13y kid crying out loud but i just havent got a clue on how to do this, and what if she is right? what if she is actualy having only one friend and i am being crazy about this? well there is a point that ive forgot to mention... she is on a depression treatment including all kind of medicine to that purpose including alot of extra "haxixe" (non medicinal purposes ofc) and some drinks on the middle? what if there is a chance that is her depression talking and im putting alot of diferent things in the same bag... i know that you might think of me as a "wussy" but i really need to be sure that im taking the right step?... am i making excuses for her? am i just being plain dumb? i really have no clue on what to do here to be honest... im totaly lost and desoriented.... damn... i never thought that me... a ladies guy (was back then) could end such a cry baby like this..... thanks to you all in advance

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John Michael Kane
I don't disagree with you, JMK. In a perfect world where everyone acted as an adult, you're right, that's how it SHOULD happen.

 

In reality though...often times it will only happen once the BS sets some serious boundaries and diligently enforces them.

 

No! That's the WS's job to end the affair. A BS is setting boundaries for themselves, not for their cheater.

 

Once reality starts to intrude on the affair...then she is more likely to end the affair. I'd agree that it would be better if she ended the affair before that...but as we've seen on numerous threads here, it usually takes some kind of external influence to start that process.

 

Nope, again a cheater is supposed to end the affair and a BS only sets boundaries for themselves. The cheater knew the reality of the situation before they even started actually fooling around.

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I'm thinking that you may need to get some individual counseling to help you sort through and deal with all of this.

 

Here's the thing...this pain...isn't just going to "go away". Regardless of which path you take...you're going to have to deal with it.

 

But...right now, short term, in order to start helping yourself feel better, you do need to "man up" a bit here, and make a decision.

 

You know your wife...we don't.

 

Is she likely to change her behaviors....or is she likely to fight you, keep this going, and/or do this to you yet again in another couple of years? Truthfully...she's done it twice...I see no reason why she won't keep doing it. She's suffered no true consequences for her actions up to this point...so why would she change now?

 

So...decide.

 

Can this marriage be saved? Is there enough foundation between the two of you to actually recover from the DOUBLE blow of her cheating?

 

Or is it not likely to happen...and your best bet is to protect yourself and your family from her causing any further harm?

 

That's your first step.

 

If you can't make that choice...there's little we're going to be able to do for you here...and your best bet is to seek professional help.

 

Once that choice is made...either way...there are people here who have been through either path that can help you work through how to reach your goal...once you know what that is.

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No! That's the WS's job to end the affair. A BS is setting boundaries for themselves, not for their cheater.

 

 

 

Nope, again a cheater is supposed to end the affair and a BS only sets boundaries for themselves. The cheater knew the reality of the situation before they even started actually fooling around.

 

Once again JMK...you've been through your experiences and see things one way...and I've been through mine and see things differently.

 

We disagree. Not really anything left to be said.

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John Michael Kane
Once again JMK...you've been through your experiences and see things one way...and I've been through mine and see things differently.

 

We disagree. Not really anything left to be said.

 

It's not that our experiences are different, it's just that a WS is the one and only who is supposed to end the affair. A BS cannot do that no matter how hard he/she tried.

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It's not that our experiences are different, it's just that a WS is the one and only who is supposed to end the affair. A BS cannot do that no matter how hard he/she tried.

 

JMK, let's put it this way...the conclusions we've come to as a result of our experiences are different.

 

As I've said...we disagree. I know that I'm not going to change your view...nor will you change mine.

 

Nothing either of us is likely to influence the other's views...so what's the value of debating this? We disagree...we both post our views...and we both drive on.

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John Michael Kane
JMK, let's put it this way...the conclusions we've come to as a result of our experiences are different.

 

As I've said...we disagree. I know that I'm not going to change your view...nor will you change mine.

 

Nothing either of us is likely to influence the other's views...so what's the value of debating this? We disagree...we both post our views...and we both drive on.

 

We're not debating, just merely discussing like ol' pals.:):D

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ROFLMBO...JMK, we might be any number of things...I have to say, "ole pals" wasn't on my list when I'd considered it. :D :D :D

 

Regardless, I'm hoping that the OP here can get things together and decide on his course of action, so that 'we' can provide him some good guidance towards reaching his goals.

 

In this particular situation, given her lack of remorse and history of serial cheating...I don't give high odds of success at all for reconciliation. I think that he'd be better served getting some counseling to help him sort through this...and move towards divorce and taking care of himself and his family.

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first of all i would like to thank you ahh with your help, i really have no one that can advise me in this way.

 

Now, regarding this problem my guess is that i should confront her and or him, and maybe both at the same time... i have to take a step here if i dont want to be worse than i am now, thing is... i never had a father or someone that could give me some life "counseling" so i look like a kid here.. and as owl well said i need to "man up" so i can get a life with or without her... should i talk to her first and "smash the table" and see how it goes from there? because if she doesnt go as i "plan" probably we should start to sleep separatedly until i can get a place for myself , most of all stop pretenting, for my own sake,

 

should i confront them both at the same time and said i dont want to see this anymore or "im out" kind of approach?

 

i dont believe i should do nothing about him because if this is happening, its her fault... not his... hes just doing what a man usualy does... i might be wrong here.. dont know

 

 

and for last... i will defenitly need professional help on this one, i am not sure how to handle this inside, i never cheated on a girl or women and in my own mind its unthinkable that a person can do that to a person that she loves(d)..... i would like to ask you if there is a free counseling online sort of thing.. i cant go past the money issue here... its hard as it is at the moment...

 

Once again, thanks you all

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John Michael Kane
ROFLMBO...JMK, we might be any number of things...I have to say, "ole pals" wasn't on my list when I'd considered it. :D :D :D

 

Aww Owl. Would you hopefully consider it?:D

 

Regardless, I'm hoping that the OP here can get things together and decide on his course of action, so that 'we' can provide him some good guidance towards reaching his goals.

 

In this particular situation, given her lack of remorse and history of serial cheating...I don't give high odds of success at all for reconciliation. I think that he'd be better served getting some counseling to help him sort through this...and move towards divorce and taking care of himself and his family.

 

That's more of the Owl I'm looking for.;)

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MC...if you confront...what are you hoping as an outcome of that confrontation?

 

Are you hoping she'll end the affair?

 

Are you hoping that she'll seek a divorce?

 

Again...you're talking about taking action without having a goal...which is the worst possible plan.

 

What outcome do you see happening from all of this? Divorce? Reconciliation? What outcome do you WANT from all of this? Do you think your wife has the same goal...or what do you think she'll do?

 

Here's the thing...you're in combat now.

 

Choose a goal.

Develop a battle plan to reach your goal.

Implement your plan.

Reach your goal.

 

Start with step 1...what's your goal?

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Aww Owl. Would you hopefully consider it?:D

 

 

 

That's more of the Owl I'm looking for.;)

 

Don't bust out the bubbly just yet.

 

If he chooses divorce...you're his best resource for working through that process...far better than I am.

 

But if he chooses reconciliation (WHICH I DO NOT RECOMMEND IN THIS CASE)...I'll give him the best advice I can on how he MIGHT be able to proceed.

 

So we'll probably be back at odds in the next few posts...but this little campfire kumbaya was kinda nice. :D

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John Michael Kane
Don't bust out the bubbly just yet.

 

If he chooses divorce...you're his best resource for working through that process...far better than I am.

 

But if he chooses reconciliation (WHICH I DO NOT RECOMMEND IN THIS CASE)...I'll give him the best advice I can on how he MIGHT be able to proceed.

 

So we'll probably be back at odds in the next few posts...but this little campfire kumbaya was kinda nice. :D

 

Well it was a good try at our own "reconciliation" between you and me.

 

Don't "say" I never tried to be nice.

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Fair enough...nor have I rebutted your overtures.

 

Hopefully, we can get along even when we don't agree.

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Ill be plain simple here then...

 

1- My goal is to reconcile of course, for the last time, im not even sure if i can pass this even loving her as much as i to.

 

2- Her approach will be defensive.... with the usual " i dont know what i will do", she usualy anwers like that in everything in here life even if thats not what she wants.

 

3-Being nervous and trembling as as im just as i am at this moment and defensive as she usualy is in EVERYTHING in her life i have no clue how to approach this

 

4- I can lie to you if i dont want to lie to my self even if it hurts as it is... i know he is a person that we always helped and he did the same way to us... when i went back to my country (was 5 years in spain) we were giving a "last chance" thing and just right now she is "or claim to be" cleaning his house since is a dirty guy that cant clean his own house (and a ex drug addict)... house is about 30m walk..... been 2 hours now.... and not even a call like... hey... im almost done or something.... besides that

i can also say that she usualy is more harsh to me when she is in front of him and ive noticed that when she kisses me on the goodbye kiss with him around she avoids making the *kiss* sound... small things that every person notices.... i personly think that she might might be trading me for him, or atleast this is my "close prespective".... ive also confronted her in the first moment ive noticed that he was spending 8h in my home... seemed weird to me.... once again she was defensive with the "idk" answer and to be honest to you and myself i chickened out and am handling this in a everyday basis (him here at least 8h in my place, were still unemployed because we just got here, thats why i can see that) for a month now... so i must do something... i want to reconcile but my guts tell me that i should "man up" and walk out... decisions decisions.... "heart vs brain"

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OK...so you're choosing to reconcile at this point. Fair enough.

 

So here's what I see as your best steps.

 

First off...you still need to "man up".

 

Let's talk a little bit about attraction here. Women cannot fall in love or stay in love with a man that they don't respect. It's part of how most women are built. They tend to be "in love" with men that they can respect.

 

A woman cannot respect a man that she can walk all over. If she can treat you like this...and you accept it, tolerate it, allow it to continue...she loses respect for you. And loss of respect = loss of love.

 

So first off...stop being afraid of losing her.

 

I promise you...if she leaves you today...you will not die of a broken heart. You will survive. You will heal. And eventually, odds are high you'll find someone else. So stop being afraid of losing her.

 

Your fear is your biggest enemy right now. It's the biggest thing preventing you from doing what you need/want to do.

 

Stop letting your fear control you. Take a deep breath.....and then another.

 

Man up...because it's the ONLY way you're going to make it through this.

 

Second...stop letting her walk all over you. You see...she did it before...and got away with it. She suffered no consequences. Because of that, she had no reason to be afraid of what might happen if she did it again. She knew you were too afraid of losing her to do anything about it.

 

That should end...today.

 

Stop being afraid...start getting angry at how she's treating you.

 

Stop letting her go do this. Tell her that this 'friendship' is not acceptable...that regardless of whether she agrees or not, its harmful to your marriage. It needs to end...today. NOW.

 

Tell her that you know she's communicated a LOT more with him than she's told you.

 

Tell her that ends...now.

 

She makes a choice...right now, this moment. Either she ends the friendship...or she moves out...today.

 

If she chooses to end the friendship...she calls OM, puts him on the speaker phone, and makes it clear that their "friendship" is over, because she's working to rebuild your marriage.

 

And then from there, the two of you need to sit down and discuss marriage counseling, boundaries, etc...

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