Having trouble forgetting/forgiving....

[vwbeetle]

I'm a first-timer here (I wish that I didn't have to be here...). I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations, etc., so I hope you don't mind if I just spell everything out.

My cheating story is way too long and drawn out and full of painful situations, so I'll spare you the details and get to the meat of the matter:

 

My husband recently cheated on me with a married "friend" of mine over a series of many months, and I have a hard time believing that they didn't have sex...husband told me she gave him a few bj's and they were naked together and did things, but no full-on sex took place. His explanation was that he couldn't go through with it......I call B.S. on that one and I have a hard time with trusting him (big surprise), and I'm trying to move on, but it's difficult.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time with the images that pop into my head, and I envision them together.....doing things, touching, feeling, kissing, F****ing, everything. When he reaches out to touch me, or to kiss me, i think, "Is this what he did with her? Did he touch her like this? Did he like it more with her?" These thoughts consume every minute of the day, night, waking moment, breath, you name it the thoughts are there.

I've never been with anyone except him (he has previous experience, more now), and I feel so angry about this. I'm stuck, and I don't know how to move past this...I would really like to get more than 2 hours of sleep a day.

So, with that said, those of you who have been cheated on, did you go through this? How long did it take for you to get rid of these images? Do they ever go away? Advice is appreciated.

BTW, we will be attending marriage counseling to salvage this marriage, so I guess that's a first step, right?

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you. I would seriously doubt your husband's story. If the roles were reversed do you think your husband would believe this story?

 

By the way I do hope that you informed your married friend's husband about his wife giving BJ's to your husband. He has a right to know. In addition, if her husband knows then it will make it much more difficult for them to ever start up again. By the way your friend is slime. Finally, you should demand that you and your husband get tested for STD's. I would not believe his story. I wish you luck.

[PegNosePete]

Yes I would bet my bottom dollar that he is lying to you. Being naked with someone, "doing things" and getting BJ's, I guarantee they had sex as well.

 

If you want to save your marriage then you need to lay down some rules and not let him talk ***** any more.

 

1) He will be 100% honest with you from now on. He will answer all your questions without hesitation, deviation or omission. He will of course not lie.

2) He will never speak nor have any contact with the woman again, and neither will you. He will call her up right now with you listening, and tell her this.

3) He will have no privacy form now on. You will see every text, email and phone call he makes. You will have all his passwords to check whenever you like. In the long term you will need to trust him again but for now you have NO trust and need to verify that his actions match his words.

4) You will got o marriage counselling.

 

If he refuses these conditions, or accepts them and then breaks them (eg still talks to the OW) then file for divorce immediately.

[bentnotbroken]

You are new to this. It has only been a little while. You have been doubly betrayed. Give yourself some time. There is no way that you can deal with this in short amount of time. Take your time. Whatever emotions you feel are normal for you...feel them. Don't bury anything. Take care of yourself.

[reboot]

Even IF he is telling the truth, does the fact they didn't have intercourse really change anything? Does that really make any difference as to what he did? It was all cheating, disrespect, breaking of every vow he ever made, regardless of whether there was actual penetration or not (and I don't really believe that for a minute anyway).

 

As far as the images, man I sometimes thought that was the very worst part. It took me years before they faded. And I do mean faded, they never went away 100%, but they did eventually become mostly inconsequential and pretty easy to deal with.

 

Actually, they did finally go away entirely, but only after she did. Of course, that's beside the point.

[bentnotbroken]

One thing I forgot to add. Forgiving does not=forgetting. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Anyway, how do you forget a life changing event. You can forgive it, learn to live in spite of it and grow from it...but you don't forget it.

[PegNosePete]

Also forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling.

[silktricks]

The obsessive thoughts and visions are really normal. Each person is different but it lasted with me for about 4 years. We chose to rebuild our marriage, but that choice isn't for everyone, and just because you decide at this point to try to work things out doesn't mean that you must stay with that choice either. Right now you're struggling, so just take things a day at a time. I do recommend marriage counseling, though, to be honest it really didn't help at all for us.

 

If you think your husband is lying, though, I would recommend (personally) that you don't let him get away with it. He's grown accustomed to lying to you during the course of the affair. He is probably still in the position of thinking that "what you don't know won't hurt - him :mad:" and so is finding lying easier than telling the truth. You need to make it really clear that lying is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Be sure not to threaten something that you feel in your heart you cannot/will not carry through on, though.

[reboot]

silk is right, you need the truth, but it won't be easy to get it.

[bentnotbroken]

Also forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling.

 

 

Right. It didn't for me.

[RepairMinded]

I have a hard time believing that they didn't have sex...husband told me she gave him a few bj's

 

If I ever decide to cheat I will try to remember that bj's aren't sex.

[PegNosePete]

If I ever decide to cheat I will try to remember that bj's aren't sex.

Well it worked for Bill Clinton didn't it?

Oh wait, no it didn't work.

[Tech_E]

First and foremost, without a shadow of a doubt you are being trickle-truthed and he is attempting to minimize his actions. All cheaters do this. Of course he had sex with her.

 

Pete has given you some great advice.

 

As for the imagery. The sad reality is the only thing that helps is time.

[OldOnTheInside]

Also forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling.

 

That's the thing about forgiveness: It has a very loose definition overall. The Bible and dictionary definition, means d*ckall to me personally.

 

Well it worked for Bill Clinton didn't it?

Oh wait, no it didn't work.

RM was being sarcastic methinks.

 

Btw OP, if your hubby can't even be completely open with you, what does that say about him?

Edited July 22, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[YellowShark]

Hey vwbeetle,

 

I have the very same story. My EX had an affair with a good married friend of mine. She was also good friends with his wife. Two strikes against her. I caught them "in the act." The double betrayal was devastating. How two people could be so cold and selfish is beyond my level of comprehension.

 

Alas I didn't try to save anything, I was out the door in 96 hours flat. Our 7 year relationship was toast. Kaput. I figured if she could do that to me, and her friend - (the wife) - she is capable of anything. Nothing she could say would change my mind. There was no negotiation.

 

In answer to your question is it will take a long time for you to process a double betrayal. Months to years. In the end you may or may not be able to stay with this man. Who knows? All I can say is DO NOT let this become your "issue." Because that is what the cheater will try to do, turn the tables on you and make your mistrust the issue, rather than their betrayal.

 

Stay strong, stay vigilant, but don't ever let your hubby weasel out from his total ownership in this. He did the deed, he caused the damage, and now it's up to him to fix it.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 24, 2011 by YellowShark

[vwbeetle]

I am sorry for you. I would seriously doubt your husband's story. If the roles were reversed do you think your husband would believe this story?

 

By the way I do hope that you informed your married friend's husband about his wife giving BJ's to your husband. He has a right to know. In addition, if her husband knows then it will make it much more difficult for them to ever start up again. By the way your friend is slime. Finally, you should demand that you and your husband get tested for STD's. I would not believe his story. I wish you luck.

 

Thank you so much; I doubt his story too...I'm pretty sure that if I did this to him, he'd be gone in a flash..

It's funny that you say that you hope I informed her husband of the affair --I did not, and have not. I don't know exactly why.....I've thought about it long and hard, and if it were me, I don't think I'd want to know. I wish I didn't find out, I wish I didn't know, wish I didn't have to go through all of this pain and hurt. I have all the text messages from her telling me what they did (she's cruel, I know), and how she's a piece of S***T, and she's sorry, blah, blah, blah, so I have evidence of the affair just in case her husband would not believe me. My husband told me that she said she would deny it to her husband, and tell him that I was psycho and jealous of her, and he would believe her.

Yes, my ex-friend is slime...even worse slime because her child and my child were best friends, and now they can't even see each other anymore. It's hard to explain to a little one why they can't see their friend anymore, or go over to play anymore..it's very hard.

I'll be seeing the doc very soon to get tested, because I know this woman has had many partners before, and let's just say she's not exactly the "cream of the crop." Thanks for the luck, I'm going to need it....

[vwbeetle]

Yes I would bet my bottom dollar that he is lying to you. Being naked with someone, "doing things" and getting BJ's, I guarantee they had sex as well.

 

If you want to save your marriage then you need to lay down some rules and not let him talk ***** any more.

 

1) He will be 100% honest with you from now on. He will answer all your questions without hesitation, deviation or omission. He will of course not lie.

2) He will never speak nor have any contact with the woman again, and neither will you. He will call her up right now with you listening, and tell her this.

3) He will have no privacy form now on. You will see every text, email and phone call he makes. You will have all his passwords to check whenever you like. In the long term you will need to trust him again but for now you have NO trust and need to verify that his actions match his words.

4) You will got o marriage counselling.

 

If he refuses these conditions, or accepts them and then breaks them (eg still talks to the OW) then file for divorce immediately.

 

<<Sigh>> That's what I figured...but I want to believe, but I guess I shouldn't, right?

I'll go through your list with you:

#1 -- he claims this is what he's doing now...says that he has to be honest if I am to trust him again..here's hoping

#2 -- There is no contact with her at all, and I told him that he needs to tell me if she ever tried. Well, she did try to establish contact with him again, and he did not respond to her at all, nor does he want to. The way he sees it, she gets off with no penalty because her husband doesn't know, so he's mad about that as well....

#3-- He does show and tell me who he calls, texts, etc....I don't have email access and I don't know how to ask for that without coming off like a raging B***H...advice?

#4-- Marriage counseling (with both of us together) starts this week...I don't know if I can do this all, really..thank you..

[vwbeetle]

You are new to this. It has only been a little while. You have been doubly betrayed. Give yourself some time. There is no way that you can deal with this in short amount of time. Take your time. Whatever emotions you feel are normal for you...feel them. Don't bury anything. Take care of yourself. One thing I forgot to add. Forgiving does not=forgetting. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Anyway, how do you forget a life changing event. You can forgive it, learn to live in spite of it and grow from it...but you don't forget it.

 

Thank you ....I'm trying to forget and I think that's my problem. Geez, I hate this so much. I get tired of looking at him and crying, I tire of crying in the shower when I'm alone, and I'm especially tired of being tired and sad all the time.

[vwbeetle]

Even IF he is telling the truth, does the fact they didn't have intercourse really change anything? Does that really make any difference as to what he did? It was all cheating, disrespect, breaking of every vow he ever made, regardless of whether there was actual penetration or not (and I don't really believe that for a minute anyway).

 

As far as the images, man I sometimes thought that was the very worst part. It took me years before they faded. And I do mean faded, they never went away 100%, but they did eventually become mostly inconsequential and pretty easy to deal with.

 

Actually, they did finally go away entirely, but only after she did. Of course, that's beside the point.

 

I don't really know if it would make a difference; in some ways yes, in some ways no. I don't want to think that his D**K was inside that cheap skank and then he wants to use it on me....you're right though, cheating is cheating, no matter what.

That's what I'm afraid of....I'm afraid that they won't go away unless he does, and I don't want to give up...yet...or at all... I don't know.

I want those images to get erased from my mind.......they don't make white-out for brains, do they?

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you ....I'm trying to forget and I think that's my problem. Geez, I hate this so much. I get tired of looking at him and crying, I tire of crying in the shower when I'm alone, and I'm especially tired of being tired and sad all the time.

 

 

You are being slapped with the infidelity depression(at least that's what I called it). A doctor can help you deal with that also. I know you are tired of crying, but it is so good to get the emotions out. Whether it is anger, sadness or fear....let them out.

[vwbeetle]

The obsessive thoughts and visions are really normal. Each person is different but it lasted with me for about 4 years. We chose to rebuild our marriage, but that choice isn't for everyone, and just because you decide at this point to try to work things out doesn't mean that you must stay with that choice either. Right now you're struggling, so just take things a day at a time. I do recommend marriage counseling, though, to be honest it really didn't help at all for us.

 

If you think your husband is lying, though, I would recommend (personally) that you don't let him get away with it. He's grown accustomed to lying to you during the course of the affair. He is probably still in the position of thinking that "what you don't know won't hurt - him :mad:" and so is finding lying easier than telling the truth. You need to make it really clear that lying is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Be sure not to threaten something that you feel in your heart you cannot/will not carry through on, though.

 

Oh goodness, how can I live with these thoughts and images for YEARS? I have a lot of thinking to do........

How do you rebuild from here? We were college sweethearts, and we have a lot of time invested in each other, do we leave our history behind us and start new?

Yes, I think he's lying and I think you're right that he's grown accustomed to finding that line where it's not too much and not too little -- I can make it on my own if necessary, but I'd like to try to save it if I can, and try to salvage it before we pronounce the marriage dead. I hope to be at a point where I can cope soon....thank you.

[vwbeetle]

Hey vwbeetle,

 

I have the very same story. My EX had an affair with a good married friend of mine. She was also good friends with his wife. Two strikes against her. I caught them "in the act." The double betrayal was devastating. How two people could be so cold and selfish is beyond my level of comprehension.

 

Alas I didn't try to save anything, I was out the door in 96 hours flat. Our 7 year relationship was toast. Kaput. I figured if she could do that to me, and her friend - (the wife) - she is capable of anything. Nothing she could say would change my mind. There was no negotiation.

 

In answer to your question is it will take a long time for you to process a double betrayal. Months to years. In the end you may or may not be able to stay with this man. Who knows? All I can say is DO NOT let this become your "issue." Because that is what the cheater will try to do, turn the tables on you and make your mistrust the issue, rather than their betrayal.

 

Stay strong, stay vigilant, but don't ever let your hubby weasel out from his total ownership in this. He did the deed, he caused the damage, and now it's up to him to fix it.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow, I caught mine in the act too....except I got pocket dialed and got to hear it live via cellphone, nice eh?

Yes, cold and selfish are great words to describe such people....

I'll try to be as strong as I can, and husband is taking ownership of the entire thing and he wants to fix it -- I just hope it can be fixed...thanks

[ComputerJock]

You need to expose OW to her husband:

 

She may be doing it with other men and have STD (you and husband need to get checked.)

 

Other husbands may fall under her spell.

 

When affair is exposed most affairs end.

 

He needs to be told what he is married to.

[Steadfast]

Thank you ....I'm trying to forget and I think that's my problem. Geez, I hate this so much. I get tired of looking at him and crying, I tire of crying in the shower when I'm alone, and I'm especially tired of being tired and sad all the time.

 

On the other hand, how could you possibly not feel this way? If you didn't love him and trust him with your heart, you wouldn't care. I've said this many times, but don't feel bad about feeling bad. It's actually part of the healing process, in addition to giving you the strength/motivation to leave. As for the rest; why you see these visions and how long they will last? The answer has already been given. Regardless of whether you stay with him or not, they will fade in time. You will not forget. Regardless.

 

I suggest avoiding drugs. I believe we can conquer this mentally.

 

cheating is cheating, no matter what.

That's what I'm afraid of....I'm afraid that they won't go away unless he does, and I don't want to give up...yet...or at all... I don't know.

I want those images to get erased from my mind

 

The quickest way to healing is letting it go. I mean, just...let...it...go. You must train your mind to not think about it and that takes time. As for being with him, that's a different story. My advice is to refrain from intimacy until your desire is stronger than the images. If he scoffs, show him out.

 

You have the right to this and are perfectly within your rights to give up on him for cheating. From what I gather, rebuilding trust is one of the most difficult things one can ever do. At this point, it is up to you. Not him.

 

Keep posting. Talking it through helps-