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Boyfriend's lack of remorse for emotional cheating still hurts me. What do I do?


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MadScientist

My boyfriend (22 years old, I'm 21, and we've been going out for 3 years) admitted to having feelings for this female co-worker two weeks ago. Weeks before he admitted to it, he was taking me on an emotional roller coaster. He would pick fights with me, was very distant, exhibited bizarre behavior that was so unlike him, and he seemed attached to this girl. I knew what was going on, so it wasn't surprising when he admitted it. At first, after he confessed this, we decided to stay together, but things still seemed off. He brought up the subject of open relationships and said how he knew a couple that was in a successful open relationship for six years. He claimed he wasn't trying to convince me that we should be in an open relationship, but it sure felt like it because he was shooting down all my arguments against open relationships. This was extremely weird behavior on his part, since my boyfriend has always been a genuine, committed, monogamous guy. Truly. So we had a long talk about this and I told him that he was only bringing up open relationships to rationalize his feelings for the other girl. He seemed very confused. I kept telling him the only way to truly relinquish feelings for this girl was to avoid contact with her, but he said that was too controlling of me. He seemed like he just couldn't let go of her, which hurt me badly because if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't care about her. (Keep in mind he's only known her since March/April of this year.) He seemed attached, yet he also said how guilty he felt and how he was contemplating suicide over this. Eventually, he told me he'd make the decision to forget about her and he apologized a lot to me. He seemed broken up about it and very remorseful, and that made me feel better. This was May 28th.

 

In the days after he confessed, we hung out a lot and had a great time together. I was feeling better and trying to move passed this mess. Then, on June 1st, he told me he'd texted her back and forth admitting his feelings for her (he initially told me he wasn't going to do this). He immediately offered that I could look and read the texts on his phone the next day. I didn't ask him to see them. Anyway, it's the next day and I read all the texts. I was actually pretty hurt by reading them. He texted her first because she had 'liked' some things on Facebook that made it seem like a guy was on her mind, and my boyfriend thought it was him. Here are some things he said that bothered me:

 

I know from personal experience that if things are hanging by a thread in a relationship, and someone amazing is met, it’s one of the most difficult situations imaginable.

 

[she asked him how things were doing between me and him]

Could definately be better... Things are better with [my name] I guess. It’s weird. I feel like I have every reason to be happy with her. She’s not doing anything wrong, and is fixing all the problems that were bothering me before. She’s great. But I still feel disconnected. I actually developed feelings for someone else. And it’s tearing me apart and making me hate myself. I never in a million years thought I’d be in a situation like this. I hate being pulled in different directions. I’ve actually never been derailed in a relationship before. I’ve always been one tracked minded and completely devoted. First time in my life that I meet someone great enough to emotionally trip me up. It sucks because neither girl deserves this bull* * * * . It makes me just want to run away and disappear. I just want to do the right thing and I’d seppuku before dishonoring myself by cheating.

 

I tried telling her I needed a break. She just couldn’t. It would have destroyed everything. I’m just trying to suck it up and be happy. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. I tend to put my own needs last in my efforts to conserve peace. She kept asking me why I wanted a break and demanded all the details. I hate feeling like I’m hiding things and I can’t live with myself if I lie to the ones I love. So she made me tell her everything. She was surprisingly understanding, and it seems like things will be ok. She doesn’t deserve to be dumped, and I’m just trying to keep my head on my shoulders and do everything right. It really sucks though, because I’m not sure how I affected the other girl. I want her to be happy, because she doesn’t deserve anything less. But what I can say or do is limited, especially since I never told her about this whole situation directly. And also, even though I’ve been getting gut feelings and am almost sure how she’s effected, I’m still not 100% sure she’s crushing on me back. What if I’m wrong?

 

Then he asked if they were going to keep their "obvious crushes" anonymous still and he said to her, "As you probably guessed, it's you." As if the crush was still there, after he told me it wasn't there anymore. More:

 

I find it really hard to believe that there are no single guys chasing after you. He also said whatever guy gets her would be lucky.

 

Whatever happens, keep your chin up. And take it as a boost to your self-esteem that you’re the only one who was EVER able to derail me. Lol everyone else fails so hard against my near-impossible standards.

 

Does he sound remorseful or happy to be with me judging from these texts? I asked him about the whole "sucking it up and trying to be happy" thing after we'd had an extended weekend together that was amazing, and he said he's not trying to be happy anymore. He says he is happy. Yet he still told me that if he hadn't met me, then this girl would've been the one for him, or he would at least go out with her. He said, "Honestly, she's amazing, but you're more amazing." He said he didn't know how it'd turn out with the other girl and that I was more mature than her, so he decided to be with me. Though it still hurts that this even happened. Our relationship has always been awesome. He said he was unhappy the month before this happened, and it was mostly due to the effects of my birth control. I became depressed on it, but I have since switched to a different birth control. I realize that having mood swings and being depressed is not a good thing, and I am extra mindful of it now and I know how it affects him... but, I don't know if that justifies what he did. He just seems to put some blame on me and he doesn't really seem sorry anymore for what he did. I don't even want to talk to him about this because he always gets weird whenever I bring it up (which isn't often). I really want to move on, but his attitude about this whole situation bothers me. Including his continuous contact with the other girl. He even asked me if all three of us could hang out. What should I make of all this? What should I do?

 

Note: We used to be engaged, but we aren't at the moment. He didn't even give me a real ring, but it was just symbolic.

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If he has no remorse for what he's done then you shouldn't be with him, obviously.

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whichwayisup
22 years old, I'm 21, and we've been going out for 3 years

 

Please, break it off with him. This guy has an expiry date and him asking if an open relationship is possible is a HUGE RED FLAG. He isn't remorseful because whatever it is he is doing (or about to do) isn't going to stop. He may tell you it is, but it won't.

 

He isn't husband material and him having a past open relationship, asking you for one just shows he is incapable (nor wants to) be committed to one person forever.

 

Sorry for your pain, but the best thing you can do for now is break up with him otherwise he is going to continue to hurt you.

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Save this and re-read in a year, and five years, and ten...you fell for a cheater and you're confused about his intentions? I'm sorry, sweetie. This guy is a melodramatic egomaniac who will probably have serious personal AND relationship issues for the rest of his life. RUN!!!!

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Does he sound remorseful or happy to be with me judging from these texts?

 

No, definitely not. He sounds completely absorbed with himself and his feelings for the other girl and wants to be seen as being a good guy through it all.

 

I asked him about the whole "sucking it up and trying to be happy" thing after we'd had an extended weekend together that was amazing, and he said he's not trying to be happy anymore. He says he is happy. Yet he still told me that if he hadn't met me, then this girl would've been the one for him, or he would at least go out with her. He said, "Honestly, she's amazing, but you're more amazing." He said he didn't know how it'd turn out with the other girl and that I was more mature than her, so he decided to be with me. Though it still hurts that this even happened. Our relationship has always been awesome. He said he was unhappy the month before this happened, and it was mostly due to the effects of my birth control.

 

Doesn't sound capable of a committed R. You deserve someone who will love and support you through life's challenges.

 

 

I became depressed on it, but I have since switched to a different birth control. I realize that having mood swings and being depressed is not a good thing, and I am extra mindful of it now and I know how it affects him... but, I don't know if that justifies what he did.

 

It doesn't justify his behavior.

 

He just seems to put some blame on me and he doesn't really seem sorry anymore for what he did. I don't even want to talk to him about this because he always gets weird whenever I bring it up (which isn't often). I really want to move on, but his attitude about this whole situation bothers me.

 

It should bother you. He is not being a loving partner to you. If you try to simply move on, he may do it again or even get more involved with this same girl.

 

 

Including his continuous contact with the other girl. He even asked me if all three of us could hang out. What should I make of all this? What should I do?

 

He is not thinking of your feelings. He is not acting loving toward you. To hang out and see his feelings for the other girl in action will be a soul-killer for you if you love him.

Note: We used to be engaged, but we aren't at the moment. He didn't even give me a real ring, but it was just symbolic.

 

Good thing you didn't marry him. Maybe the symbolic ring was symbolic of him not being ready for marriage.

 

I agree with others that you should leave him. It is painful to leave someone you still have strong love for, but he is not the person you thought he was. He is all wrapped up in himself, selfish and not ready to commit. "Amazing" girls will always appear when one allows oneself to open up to others in this way when encountering a small bumb on life's road (your reaction to new birth control). Better to go through some pain now, keep your self-respect and self-esteem, and don't set yourself up for more future pain with him. He will have lost the amazing you because of his own self-absorption and not treasuring all that he had.

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22 and already wanting open relationships.

You're young. You will find a good guy. Don't spend any more time on this loser.

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In the days after he confessed, we hung out a lot and had a great time together. I was feeling better and trying to move passed this mess. Then, on June 1st, he told me he'd texted her back and forth admitting his feelings for her (he initially told me he wasn't going to do this). He immediately offered that I could look and read the texts on his phone the next day. I didn't ask him to see them. Anyway, it's the next day and I read all the texts. I was actually pretty hurt by reading them. He texted her first because she had 'liked' some things on Facebook that made it seem like a guy was on her mind, and my boyfriend thought it was him. Here are some things he said that bothered me:

 

I know from personal experience that if things are hanging by a thread in a relationship, and someone amazing is met, it’s one of the most difficult situations imaginable.

 

[she asked him how things were doing between me and him]

Could definately be better... Things are better with [my name] I guess. It’s weird. I feel like I have every reason to be happy with her. She’s not doing anything wrong, and is fixing all the problems that were bothering me before. She’s great. But I still feel disconnected. I actually developed feelings for someone else. And it’s tearing me apart and making me hate myself. I never in a million years thought I’d be in a situation like this. I hate being pulled in different directions. I’ve actually never been derailed in a relationship before. I’ve always been one tracked minded and completely devoted. First time in my life that I meet someone great enough to emotionally trip me up. It sucks because neither girl deserves this bull* * * * . It makes me just want to run away and disappear. I just want to do the right thing and I’d seppuku before dishonoring myself by cheating.

 

I tried telling her I needed a break. She just couldn’t. It would have destroyed everything. I’m just trying to suck it up and be happy. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. I tend to put my own needs last in my efforts to conserve peace. She kept asking me why I wanted a break and demanded all the details. I hate feeling like I’m hiding things and I can’t live with myself if I lie to the ones I love. So she made me tell her everything. She was surprisingly understanding, and it seems like things will be ok. She doesn’t deserve to be dumped, and I’m just trying to keep my head on my shoulders and do everything right. It really sucks though, because I’m not sure how I affected the other girl. I want her to be happy, because she doesn’t deserve anything less. But what I can say or do is limited, especially since I never told her about this whole situation directly. And also, even though I’ve been getting gut feelings and am almost sure how she’s effected, I’m still not 100% sure she’s crushing on me back. What if I’m wrong?

 

Then he asked if they were going to keep their "obvious crushes" anonymous still and he said to her, "As you probably guessed, it's you." As if the crush was still there, after he told me it wasn't there anymore. More:

 

I find it really hard to believe that there are no single guys chasing after you. He also said whatever guy gets her would be lucky.

 

Whatever happens, keep your chin up. And take it as a boost to your self-esteem that you’re the only one who was EVER able to derail me. Lol everyone else fails so hard against my near-impossible standards.

 

Note: We used to be engaged, but we aren't at the moment. He didn't even give me a real ring, but it was just symbolic.

 

I'm really sorry but please look at the facts here.

He told you he had feelings for other girl

he told you he texted her

he WANTED you to read the texts.

Read the stuff in bold - that's what he wants to tell you - that's why he wanted you to read the texts so that you can see what he's thinking without him having to nut up and really say it to your face.

 

He wants you to know that your relationship is hanging by a thread

that he's not feeling connected

that although you haven't done anything wrong, he wants to take a break - you don't and you don't deserve to be dumped (that's what he wants to do, he just doesn't know how to do it) - so he's letting you read all that for yourself.

 

He wouldn't have offered to let you read the texts if he didn't want you to really read them and see what he's really thinking.

 

I think its a very passive aggressive, cowardly way of doing things - but honestly, that's what he's trying to do. He wants you to read it and break up with him.

 

Or maybe because the girl didn't really say anything after he told her it was her that he liked - he just figures he'll "suck it up and be happy" with you - do you really want to be the consolation prize?!

 

I'm sorry, I'm so not trying to be hurtful to you. I feel for you, but I think you need to see things for what they are.

 

He doesn't deserve you.

 

Good luck :)

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Better to go through some pain now, keep your self-respect and self-esteem, and don't set yourself up for more future pain with him.

 

I agree with this advice. There are things in life that cannot be taken back and become a part of your life's story. This guy is setting up to add some chapters that you'll wish never existed.

 

He's playing the nice guy card and by doing so he is giving you all the info you need to move on, hoping you'll make the decision for him so he doesn't have to. If you don't make the decision he will do something decisive, ie cheat, to force you to break up, then cite these past warnings as if you should've seen it coming.

 

It's hard not to go by emotions, but you need to see this for what it is. He is courting another girl and bringing you along for the ride. It signals a lot of of problems with respect, compassion, empathy, love, selfishness etc.... I couldn't stay with someone that openly professes another girl is amazing in that context. That is so far from what I would want in a bf.

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22 and already wanting open relationships.

You're young. You will find a good guy. Don't spend any more time on this loser.

 

???

 

Aren't people more prone to explore when they are young and settle when they get older?

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wait .. it is not clear to me that the guy actually cheated. He was "attached" to the girl, but a feeling is NOT behavior.

 

In fact, he confessed to the girl that he has a crush with the FULL knowledge of his gf. He showed his gf all the communication. That is NOT cheating. There is NO deception.

 

Sure, he wants other girls, and he is not committed to his gf. And that is certainly grounds to dump him. However, he is pretty up front about it. At that age, without a formal commitment, I would not consider it "wrong" to want someone else.

 

It is not like he promised himself to his gf.

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MadScientist
It is not like he promised himself to his gf.

 

Actually, he did. We were engaged and committed to getting married in the future. He always said how he never looked at other girls, because he's very picky and there's always something he doesn't like. He said he'd never cheat. I think he only meant physical cheating, though, as he's not fully convinced that what he did was (emotional) cheating. It also took him two weeks to be upfront about his bizarre behavior. I asked him multiple times what was wrong, and he only gave partial answers, not mentioning the girl. I even asked him about the girl, and he got all defensive and kept saying she's just a friend. He lied to me about it before he really confessed.

 

It's a difficult decision. The texts I quoted in the original post were from two weeks ago. Now he seems more "attached" to me and is really sweet like he always was. Before he told me what was going on, he'd act really weird to me after he'd had contact with the girl. He worked last night and she was there, too, and when he called me after he got home, he seemed great emotionally. I've alluded to the fact that I'm still stressed over this situation (told him about a nightmare I had this morning about a similar scenario with him in it), and he seems a little concerned. I haven't brought up the issue again, and I'm not sure when I will. I know that if he makes plans for all three of us to hang out, I will say no. For now, instead of breaking up, I'm just going to be less emotionally invested in the relationship and disconnect from him a little bit. I think it'll feel better for me and it'll probably make him wonder that I won't always be available to him.

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Actually, he did. We were engaged and committed to getting married in the future. He always said how he never looked at other girls, because he's very picky and there's always something he doesn't like. He said he'd never cheat. I think he only meant physical cheating, though, as he's not fully convinced that what he did was (emotional) cheating. It also took him two weeks to be upfront about his bizarre behavior. I asked him multiple times what was wrong, and he only gave partial answers, not mentioning the girl. I even asked him about the girl, and he got all defensive and kept saying she's just a friend. He lied to me about it before he really confessed.

 

It's a difficult decision. The texts I quoted in the original post were from two weeks ago. Now he seems more "attached" to me and is really sweet like he always was. Before he told me what was going on, he'd act really weird to me after he'd had contact with the girl. He worked last night and she was there, too, and when he called me after he got home, he seemed great emotionally. I've alluded to the fact that I'm still stressed over this situation (told him about a nightmare I had this morning about a similar scenario with him in it), and he seems a little concerned. I haven't brought up the issue again, and I'm not sure when I will. I know that if he makes plans for all three of us to hang out, I will say no. For now, instead of breaking up, I'm just going to be less emotionally invested in the relationship and disconnect from him a little bit. I think it'll feel better for me and it'll probably make him wonder that I won't always be available to him.

 

If he lied, that is cheating.

 

At the same time, it is out in the open now. I don't think cheating is what you have to deal with (given that he continues to let you monitor communication between him & the girl).

 

You need to deal with the fact that he can/is attracted to other people. It is not clear that this girl will be the end of it. If you think invested less in the relationship is the way to go, good luck!

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just going to be less emotionally invested in the relationship and disconnect from him a little bit. I think it'll feel better for me and it'll probably make him wonder that I won't always be available to him.

 

Actually that won't do anything, kick him to the kerb.

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You are 21 with your whole life ahead of you.

 

Ditch the loser already.

 

That also means she has time to waste. As long as she understand that this guy is not long-term material, and as long as there is no cheating, i don't see a problem of have a more casual dating relationship. String him along until someone better come by.

 

Not everyone is looking for a long term committed relationship at 21. If the OP is willing to date this guy without commitment, i don't see much harm done.

 

Of course the trick is really to be emotionally less (or-un) involved, and sometimes we don't have full control over our emotions.

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Actually, he did. We were engaged and committed to getting married in the future. He always said how he never looked at other girls, because he's very picky and there's always something he doesn't like. He said he'd never cheat. I think he only meant physical cheating, though, as he's not fully convinced that what he did was (emotional) cheating. It also took him two weeks to be upfront about his bizarre behavior. I asked him multiple times what was wrong, and he only gave partial answers, not mentioning the girl. I even asked him about the girl, and he got all defensive and kept saying she's just a friend. He lied to me about it before he really confessed.

 

It's a difficult decision. The texts I quoted in the original post were from two weeks ago. Now he seems more "attached" to me and is really sweet like he always was.

 

Because now he's making do with what he can get - since the girl pretty much ignored his advances.

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Actually, he did. We were engaged and committed to getting married in the future. He always said how he never looked at other girls, because he's very picky and there's always something he doesn't like. He said he'd never cheat. I think he only meant physical cheating, though, as he's not fully convinced that what he did was (emotional) cheating. It also took him two weeks to be upfront about his bizarre behavior. I asked him multiple times what was wrong, and he only gave partial answers, not mentioning the girl. I even asked him about the girl, and he got all defensive and kept saying she's just a friend. He lied to me about it before he really confessed.

 

It's a difficult decision. The texts I quoted in the original post were from two weeks ago. Now he seems more "attached" to me and is really sweet like he always was. Before he told me what was going on, he'd act really weird to me after he'd had contact with the girl. He worked last night and she was there, too, and when he called me after he got home, he seemed great emotionally. I've alluded to the fact that I'm still stressed over this situation (told him about a nightmare I had this morning about a similar scenario with him in it), and he seems a little concerned. I haven't brought up the issue again, and I'm not sure when I will. I know that if he makes plans for all three of us to hang out, I will say no. For now, instead of breaking up, I'm just going to be less emotionally invested in the relationship and disconnect from him a little bit. I think it'll feel better for me and it'll probably make him wonder that I won't always be available to him.

 

He sounds a bit all over the map, given that he made the other girl sound like something really special to him so recently. Watch out, if he was not honest about his feelings a few weeks ago, he could be dishonest again. Some people get even more loving with their SO while developing something with another, perhaps as a cover, perhaps to balance the guilt, perhaps they've convinced themselves their SO is fine with it all....

 

I'm not saying your bf will do that, but given his recent behavior, you should be careful and not count on him to be fully upfront and open.

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MadScientist

I appreciate everyone's responses. I will take them all into account and possibly, at some point, show them to him.

 

New question!

 

Yesterday, I hung out with him and things were wonderful. We had a fun, amazing day together and there were things that he said to me that sounded like he knew he made a mistake, but didn't say it outright. He kept showering me with (genuine) compliments, saying how nobody else has ever been so patient and understanding with him and how nobody else truly loves him like I do. He said that we fit together so well personality-wise. This made me feel more secure and I actually began to heal from this whole situation.

 

Now, this morning: I wake up and find that, before work, he commented on her status on Facebook. At first, I was like "What the hell?" but I realized it was innocent. Then, I noticed he 'liked' her new profile picture. It's just a picture of her, no one else, standing in her mirror, posing. She's not wearing anything too skimpy, but she does look pretty in it. This upset me, because why would he 'like' this? Especially a picture of a girl who he had a significant crush on? It's now reopened the wound that was starting to heal. But should I be worried over this, or am I being silly?

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I'd say that you need to check your expectations of this relationship with him.

 

In truth, it appears to me that you're BOTH still young, and he's still interested in exploring his options elsewhere.

 

YOU have to decide how much of that you're willing to tolerate in your life.

 

YOU need to set a boundary on what kind of interaction you're willing to accept that he has with her, in light of the texts/etc...

 

I'm not going to try to guess what his intentions were in 'liking' that photo.

 

There's no point.

 

The question is...do you both see yourselves in a committed relationship? And if so...then where are the boundaries in interactions with other people...especially her? And if those boundaries don't match...do you truly want to continue a relationship with him under these circumstances.

 

Here's the thing...right now, this is a "trial" for a possible future relationship between you and him. That's what dating is.

 

If it's gone this far awry now...how bad could it get when you're stressing over bills, diapers, jobs, etc...?

 

Set a boundary...and enforce it. If he's not willing to work with you, then it probably is a good thing to learn that now, rather than ten years from now when there are kids involved.

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