When does trust return?

[Bernard]

Hello...

 

I've been married almost 10 years. Over two years ago, my wife had an affair. 6 months later, we were trying to work through it, and she told me I had to trust her. As soon as I let go a little, she used the freedom to meet someone *else*, out of state. So I got burned really bad emotionally.

 

We've gone to counselling, talked about the issues that led up to it ad-nauseum. She eventually dropped out. There is nothing that could be said that hasn't already been said. I continued for a while by myself, but had to quit when funds got tight. We lived apart for several months. We're back together now, in a new house, and trying to make it work.

 

My question is, when will I be able to trust her again? It's been two years since that horrible day when I found out, and there has not been a single time that she has left the house when I have not wondered if she was really going where she says she is. I wonder what happens on her lunchbreak, when she says she's in a meeting, when she's late coming home after work because she stopped at the store. I dread the day she has to go out of town for business... I think it will kill me.

 

Some people say, well you just have to get over it. But I don't put these fearful thoughts into my head, and I don't create the sinking feeling in my gut when she's late. They just happen. So I don't know that it's in my control. I do know, that it is a miserable existence, and I don't want to have to worry like this forever.

 

Does anyone know... what is a "normal" recovery time? And is there anything I/we/she can do to help trust return?

[UCFKevin]

Well...maybe this isn't the answer you were looking for, but if I were you, I wouldn't trust her at all at this point. And I never would.

[Layla]

Hi Bernard

 

My experience with this is quite different but I'd like to share it with you maybe it helps.

 

My ex-boyfriend (5 years) cheated on me twice. When we met he lived in another country for two years and I couldn't didn't want go with him. We saw each other about every second weekend and for the holidays. Anyway, within these two years he cheated on me twice (no sex, but all the rest). It wasn't an affair, but two drunken nights out with some friends and chicks. I had no idea. After two years he gave up his job to come live with me and he told me what happened. One of his explanations was that he physically and emotionally missed me so much bla bla.

 

Anyway, we stayed together for another three years and to be honest, I never really had a problem with not trusting him (or let's put it this way, only at the very beginning after he told me).

 

What was worse and what eventually destroyed this relationship is that I JUST COULDN'T GET OVER IT!! I knew that he was faithful after that but it just kept haunting me. I kept bringing it up. Whenever we were happy I felt like there was this "interruption" in our relationship that just made it impossibe to go on! Every now and then I dropped the same sort of questions:" why? how? was it good? do you feel bad about it? etc."

 

I just could NOT let go, not even after three years, although I trusted him. I just assumed that at some point of our relationship he didn't love me enough, therefore betrayed me, and that was killing me!

 

Anyway, i left after 5 years. And you know what? I know the person he cheated me with as she was a work colleague of his. When we were still together I once sent her a really really disgustingly mean anonymous email. I hated her so much!!

 

I have been away from my boyfriend for about 17 months now. I saw her in a bar the other night. And ..... all those negative feelings have gone. I even went and talked to her.

 

It was then that I realised that our relationship would have never had a chance again and that walking was the only way. The bad feelings about the whole thing just kept overwhelming me while I was still with him. And how relaxing did it feel to see that woman and not get upset, sad, not feel betrayed, etc. God, I finally found that peace again I had lost for three years.

 

Listen, this is me! Maybe I am an extremely unforgiving person. I also believe that women work differently with pain and tend to go on about things. Men are probably more pragmatic

 

So, see how you feel. If the pain and those haunting thoughts don't leave you within a certain amount of time and if your wife isn't willing to talk and talk and talk over the subject to help you understand, you will have to leave eventually.

 

I really hope that you stay together. But you have to be selfish now, let that anger out, deal with that unbearable pain, in YOUR way.

 

Your wife MUST help you or at least understand that you won't be same old you for a long long time! And that is her fault

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I agree with the others. She cheated on you, betrayed your marriage and put your health at great risk. You forgave her and she asked for you to trust her. When you did she went and met another man. I think you would have to be out of your mind to trust her at all. She has proven to you that she seeks company with other men. Why would you want to be in a relationship where you feel at all times that she was screwing someone behind your back? Why do you wish to subject yourself to this?

You were a whole person before you met her and you will be a whole person afterwards. The bottom line is that she is not trustworthy and the result is that you live in a world of anxiety and betrayal. She clearly has no respect for you so you need to ask yourself why you feel you are entitled to so little in your life?

It sounds like it is time to move on with your life because your wife has a broken moral compass. I wish you luck.

[Bernard]

To all...

 

Obviously, there is a lot that I didn't put into that post. You can't sum up two years (or ten) in a paragraph. We have talked about the issues that led to what happened, I think we both understand the mechanics of how we got to that point. We are trying to move forward, in good faith.

 

I guess that is why it is so distressing that I find myself with these thoughts and worries all the time. I feel like I'm not doing MY part to work on it, because I'm just not getting over it. I know that's not really the case, it's not like I'm failing, it's just the way it is.

 

If we didn't have kids, I might be more inclined to just throw up my hands and give up, but I have two wonderful girls who need their parents, and the last thing I want to do is split up our family.

 

Making it through the present would be much easier if I knew that the future held a better place for us. Ok, two years wasn't enough to get over it. Is five? Is ten? I don't know. And part of it is I don't know anyone in my personal life who has gone through what I'm going through, so I have nothing to compare my situation to. Most people, when they are cheated on, they leave. So I don't have much in the way of role models to base a recovery on.