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"But I Didn't Do Anything Wrong"


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That's what my H says, since it was "only" an EA. He fell madly in love with her, was completely infatuated with her for 2 years, went underground when I discovered it, has a collection of photos of her on his computer, but he did not have sex with her (not because he cares about me, but because of his sense of 'duty' - they are both married).

So no sex means he didn't do *anything* wrong. So why don't I just shut up about it already?

 

It's totally devaluing me, invalidating my feelings, and he is also angry and contemptuous of me if I bring it up. Because HE DID NOTHING WRONG.

Just broke my li'l heart in two. But who cares. It's over, so there is nothing to discuss, according to him.

 

Does anyone else get this crap?

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freestyle

I've been through that , too.

 

Sounds like your H is still deep in the fog--and speaking from the WS script.

 

It's really hard to reconcile when the WS shows no actual remorse, but rather gets angry and defensive, when they are called out or questioned.

 

Maybe it's time for the 180..........

 

I missed the update on your story---did you allow him to come back home after his business trip when you discovered the photos of the OW?

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Thanks Freestyle. I've been doing the 180. But every once and a while the anger bubbles up to the surface. I don't say anything to him, that is why I come here!

Since I found the photos, I kicked him out. Now he sleeps elsewhere - I don't know where, but I think he's in a cheap hotel. But the weird thing is he spends more time at home than ever - he leaves at 8:30pm after putting the kids to bed, and comes back at 6:30am to take a shower and get dressed for work. He comes home from work on time (usually he is late because he doesn't want to come home and see me).

He is on his high horse about me kicking him out - it gives him an excuse for his ugly behavior towards me. 'Well, SHE kicked me out! - And I did nothing wrong!"

We are in the process of packing up the house and moving - we are each moving 1000's of miles away in opposite directions. I keep the 3 kids. He can not contain his contempt and hostility towards me. I am keeping it together and doing the 180 - cheerful, lively, going out all the time (everyone has stopped inviting him along) but can't wait to get out of here and away from him. When he flies away in 5 days I will probably be a complete wreck. The kids are starting to act out...

I just wish I could get an 'I'm sorry I hurt you'. But nooooo......... :-(

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If he truly cared he would be remorseful. As we see on this board EAs can quickly snowball into something much worse.

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But I don't think it could have been worse... He gave his HEART to her, instead of to me.

 

Anyway, she has moved away, and is still with her H, and my H is not moving near her.

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freestyle
Thanks Freestyle. I've been doing the 180. But every once and a while the anger bubbles up to the surface. I don't say anything to him, that is why I come here!

Since I found the photos, I kicked him out. Now he sleeps elsewhere - I don't know where, but I think he's in a cheap hotel. But the weird thing is he spends more time at home than ever - he leaves at 8:30pm after putting the kids to bed, and comes back at 6:30am to take a shower and get dressed for work. He comes home from work on time (usually he is late because he doesn't want to come home and see me).

He is on his high horse about me kicking him out - it gives him an excuse for his ugly behavior towards me. 'Well, SHE kicked me out! - And I did nothing wrong!"

We are in the process of packing up the house and moving - we are each moving 1000's of miles away in opposite directions. I keep the 3 kids. He can not contain his contempt and hostility towards me. I am keeping it together and doing the 180 - cheerful, lively, going out all the time (everyone has stopped inviting him along) but can't wait to get out of here and away from him. When he flies away in 5 days I will probably be a complete wreck. The kids are starting to act out...

I just wish I could get an 'I'm sorry I hurt you'. But nooooo......... :-(

 

 

Well, I'm glad to hear that you've been strong, and stood your ground.

 

Maybe he'll eventually figure out that he was in the wrong---and realize that your feelings count, too. Or, maybe he's empathetically challenged....

 

It's possible that he'll never be able to give you the closure you're seeking.

In which case, the closure will be up to you. It's not fair, I know, I know.....

 

It doesn't lessen the pain any.

 

He may figure it out after you've moved cross-country---he may never figure it out. In which case, my opinion is that you're better off without him.

 

I hope your move goes well---maybe it will help your heart heal more swiftly...........

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Well, I'm glad to hear that you've been strong, and stood your ground.

 

Maybe he'll eventually figure out that he was in the wrong---and realize that your feelings count, too. Or, maybe he's empathetically challenged....

 

It's possible that he'll never be able to give you the closure you're seeking.

In which case, the closure will be up to you. It's not fair, I know, I know.....

 

It doesn't lessen the pain any.

 

He may figure it out after you've moved cross-country---he may never figure it out. In which case, my opinion is that you're better off without him.

 

I hope your move goes well---maybe it will help your heart heal more swiftly...........

He has been diagnosed with "Lack of Empathy". But come on, he doesn't have any lack of brains.

And I doubt our children will ever think we're better off without him...

:confused:

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We are in the process of packing up the house and moving - we are each moving 1000's of miles away in opposite directions. I keep the 3 kids. He can not contain his contempt and hostility towards me. I am keeping it together and doing the 180 - cheerful, lively, going out all the time (everyone has stopped inviting him along) but can't wait to get out of here and away from him. When he flies away in 5 days I will probably be a complete wreck. The kids are starting to act out...

I just wish I could get an 'I'm sorry I hurt you'. But nooooo......... :-(

 

Why are you moving so far apart if you have 3 kids? How are they going to see their father?

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Why are you moving so far apart if you have 3 kids? How are they going to see their father?

Good question. My H is a gov't worker. We move all the time. Different countries. They're not going to see their father for 4 months. It's going to be HELL.

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Good question. My H is a gov't worker. We move all the time. Different countries. They're not going to see their father for 4 months. It's going to be HELL.

 

What's going to happen after 4 months if you're moving 1000s of miles away?

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I don't know. He's going to his new posting, and I am going back to my home country. He will come and visit us, then we will have Christmas vacation together where his family (mom, etc) lives.

What really blows is that I would like this to be a trial separation, to see if he can get some emotional stability, and I can heal, and my wish is that the family can get back together again.

But logistically, our situation is ridiculous. If only we could live in the same town.... the same frikkin country.... the only way for us to have a separation is to have it be drastic like this. I am really worried about the children - it is a huge responsibility for me, and I am frankly terrified.

But there is no way I could go with him - to a very remote, crappy place, when all he had to offer me was "I don't love you right now, and I'm not promising you anything. But you should tag along so I can be with my children". And THIS: "I didn't do anything wrong. YOU have the problem."

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Spark1111

Yes, EAs are a very insidious form of infidelity because the WS has convinced themselves that they "didn't do anything wrong."

 

But at best, it is a technicality, because given the right circumstances, they will cross that line.

 

Does her H know about the 100s of pics and email exchanges between them?

 

Because, if not, they probably plan to go underground and continue this EA, if they aren't already doing so.

 

Does she know you are divorcing him over it? Probably not. If he is still in contact, he is using your separation to his advantage, to evoke pity from her and to ratchet it up a notch or two.

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Polly...I'd suggest that you either go ahead and make this a trial seperation...or find some way to stay together over this time rather than go through this now. It sounds to me like the WRONG time for him to be going anywhere if the two of you want to save your marriage.

 

As far as his insistence that he did nothing wrong...if the two of you find a way to be together...I STRONGLY recommend that you INSIST on marriage counseling.

 

He needs to hear it from an outside source just exactly what he did wrong, what the damage was, and what he needs to do to fix it.

 

I'm a firm believer in INSISTING on what you need to fix your marriage in times like this...there's no reason why he should be the one with all the power/control in the marriage.

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Spark - I thought about contacting her, or her H, but I don't want to stir it up (they have moved away) and also don't want her to go for it with my H.

Owl - we have done marriage counseling. He said it was a waste of time and money, the counselor was 'my little friend' , and was pretty paranoid about the whole thing.

I feel so attacked and so alone.

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The marraige counselor told him that his 'friendship' was very hurtful to his wife, and damaging his marriage, and she recommended that he cut off all contact with her if he was serious about working on our marriage.

He said, 'NO. She's just a friend.'

Then he changed it to: 'I won't contact her but if she contacts me I will respond."

Thanks, honey.

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Then this tells you that you are NOT his priority.

 

Frankly...why are you staying with him at all? If he's willing to treat you like this...if he's willing to waste your time and money to go to a marriage counselor and play these games...there's no value in staying in a relationship with someone like this.

 

Go get the meanest, toughest divorce lawyer you can find, and make sure you're set when you end this.

 

It'll either open his eyes to what he's doing, or it'll free you up from the boat anchor around your neck that he's become.

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