Men who travel for work

[CuriousSally]

This is my first post. I would love to hear about the real life experiences of men who travel for work. Where are the danger spots for one's marriage in a situation like this?

 

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job. I have asked that he does not go to the hotel bar alone at the end of the night. He likes to have a beer and watch sports to unwind. My question is, has anyone experienced being approached while they were on travel in the hotel bar?

[vsmini]

It’s tough because I think a portion of trust in a relationship is knowing the person won’t put themselves into tempting situations in the first place and going to a hotel bar where he knows you will have no solid way of catching him could be tempting – I wouldn’t normally think this was bad but since he’s been unfaithful before…..he’s kind of screwed himself when it comes to your trust. I’m sure he’s been approached at a bar before – most people have been. But I can’t tell you what he does with that.

 

A family member of mine has the luxury of being married to a very wealthy MD who sometimes has to travel. This woman does not have to work so she goes with him on every trip. They have been married for 25+ years and seem very happy. When we go out to dinner she tells me that when you’re married to a good looking and powerful man women don’t care if he’s married and you gotta make sure you keep an eye on him. She says this in front of him and he usually laughs, and sighs in agreement. She’s kind of a ball buster but he loves the hell out of her. Some people may say this is unhealthy and she doesn’t trust him and that’s bad…..blah blah blah. Perhaps – I can’t say they are right or wrong but everything else in their marriage is downright inspiring and they have raised two amazing kids who are now married and envy what their parents have together.

 

Can you travel with him? I don't think you should have to but...Is it even possible to trust him knowing he’s cheated? Are you willing to stay with him?

[PegNosePete]

If you have taken him back after infidelity then you are free to impose whatever rules you see fit. If you think he should stay away form hotel bars then tell him that. If he disagrees then he knows where the door is.

[CuriousSally]

vsmini - Your words hit home because my husband put himself in a tempting situation and I caught him in a lie about it. That's why I said he was unfaithful - to me that's a breach of faith. He denies any sexual contact but I still consider it cheating.

 

I agree with the ball buster approach but it's not my basic nature. It makes me mad to have to do that. On the other hand, I think it is a very wise spouse who accepts the way the world really works, rather than what they idealize.

 

He has actually mentioned me traveling with him before all this happened but it is very difficult/not possible with our current situation (ailing grandparents, kids, costs, etc.) And he travels so frequently.

 

PegNosePete - He has agreed to my conditions but he grumbles about this one. I realize now he has been winding down at the bar for years on these trips, so it's an adjustment for him. He's used to me caving to what he wants, but I am not budging on this one.

 

Sadintexas - First of all, I'm sorry you are sad. Life is short. Seek out people and situations that make you happy. It does wonders.

 

Thanks for the wisdom. He is just not fully owning what he did and has moved on from it, but I haven't. He seems to have more of an attitude that we are both responsible for him turning outward (as far as we were arguing a lot). I feel some responsibility but he needs to own what he did. The idea of the hotel bar gives me the creeps. People drinking with a room right there with no spouse around.

 

Thanks to all for your thoughts.

Edited May 6, 2011 by CuriousSally

[Spark1111]

Hey, wasn't there some sort of scam being perpetuated by a young woman with an accomplice at a hotel bar a few years back?

 

She would arrive as if she too were traveling for business, signal out her mark, flirt, they'd get drunk together and she'd suggest going to the bathroom for sex.

 

Her accomplice had set up a hidden camera in the bathroom and then the MM would start to get blackmailed.

 

Sheesh!

[Woggle]

I travel sometimes and once I had a married flat out try to seduce me. I told her to get lost. When I am not on the job I mostly have a beer or two at the bar or if the town looks interesting I go out and see some sights. I have never cheated.

[Gagirl]

I would put a sniffer on his computer and track his texting and cell phone records. A lot of guys who travel have an Ashley Madison account and are always looking for somebody to hook-up with. I would insist that he find a job at home too! He owes you that.

[John Michael Kane]

This is my first post. I would love to hear about the real life experiences of men who travel for work. Where are the danger spots for one's marriage in a situation like this?

 

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job. I have asked that he does not go to the hotel bar alone at the end of the night. He likes to have a beer and watch sports to unwind. My question is, has anyone experienced being approached while they were on travel in the hotel bar?

 

I travel out of state to work periodically and get hit on sometimes when I go to a bar to relax after a hard evening of various discussions with clients. Unfortunately I'm not the husband who flirted with the hot woman in the red dress (who was probably married herself) sitting a few feet from him with an exotic drink in her left hand, and her expensive high heels in her right. I was the complete opposite who came home to see his wife going at it with someone who I considered to be a part of my family.

[nyc_guy2003]

Timely discussion topic -- I was out of town on business last night actually, and my friend and I went to the hotel bar for a late night drink. My friend got hit on, but it wasn't by any other patron, it was by the bartender! She was kind of trashy, but still very straightforward with her interest in the guy.

[y2k]

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job.

 

Wait. He was unfaithful once already??? You should have divorced him the moment he did that. If he cheated once, he'll do it again. Even if he only cheats once, that fact that he did it one time should disgust you enough to leave him. Where is your self-esteem????

 

Don't waste your time with him. There are plenty of handsome, loving men waiting out there. Go find one!!!!

 

If you're only with your husband because of money or because he's some powerful man, then I feel bad for you. Love is way better than status. Leave him!!!!

[CuriousSally]

Wait. He was unfaithful once already??? You should have divorced him the moment he did that. If he cheated once, he'll do it again. Even if he only cheats once, that fact that he did it one time should disgust you enough to leave him. Where is your self-esteem????

 

Don't waste your time with him. There are plenty of handsome, loving men waiting out there. Go find one!!!!

 

If you're only with your husband because of money or because he's some powerful man, then I feel bad for you. Love is way better than status. Leave him!!!!

 

Hmmm. What do you do when they adamantly deny it and you have seen some sketchy emails but have no real proof? (Other than strong gut feelings). Blow your whole family up or try to work it out? He did admit to a clothed backrub so to me that's crossing the line, he says it's innocent, didn't mean anything.

 

I actually feel good about myself because being faithful has always been easy for me. I don't struggle with being tempted by others, even if my relationship isn't perfect (and yes, there have been opportunities).

 

I felt the same way you did before this happened to me. I wanted these women to kick their men to the curb. Punish them. Elliot Spitzer's wife - nuts for standing by him, I thought. But then it happens to you, and it's less than a full-blown affair or some overt sex offense but still hurtful - what then? I am choosing to trust but verify anywhere I can. So far things have been on the up and up. We are also going to counseling.

[Art_Critic]

It isn't the bar that made him cheat CS.. it was something inside him..

 

Going to a bar after work for a drink isn't putting one's self in danger of cheating.. unless the person wants to cheat that is...

[CuriousSally]

It isn't the bar that made him cheat CS.. it was something inside him..

 

Going to a bar after work for a drink isn't putting one's self in danger of cheating.. unless the person wants to cheat that is...

 

I see your point, Art Critic. That's why we are in counseling. It was a different situation where he cheated but I have asked him not to go to the hotel bar on trips until more healing has occurred, more trust rebuilt. He has agreed to it but grumbles a bit because it's a habit.

[John Michael Kane]

I see your point, Art Critic. That's why we are in counseling. It was a different situation where he cheated but I have asked him not to go to the hotel bar on trips until more healing has occurred, more trust rebuilt. He has agreed to it but grumbles a bit because it's a habit.

 

Then he needs to grumble and grunt on out the front door. If he doesn't want to do the necessary work then he should leave.

[imadognut]

Get the movie "The 100 mile Rule" and he may change his mind about ever fooling around while traveling

[y2k]

Hmmm. What do you do when they adamantly deny it and you have seen some sketchy emails but have no real proof? (Other than strong gut feelings). Blow your whole family up or try to work it out?

 

Of course not. But I do ask....IF you did catch him, would you throw him out??? I hope you would, but I seriously ask you to put that situation in your mind and ask yourself if you could do it. Hopefully you have the self-esteem and power to throw him out if he is indeed doing it.

 

He did admit to a clothed backrub so to me that's crossing the line, he says it's innocent, didn't mean anything.

 

Now that sounds fishy. Try to get evidence.

 

I actually feel good about myself because being faithful has always been easy for me. I don't struggle with being tempted by others, even if my relationship isn't perfect (and yes, there have been opportunities).

 

In my opinion, being faithful shouldn't be a "duty" or "forced". If a man or woman feels like they want another, and are not longer in love with their partner, that person should separate with the partner and go LIVE LIFE!!!!!

 

I'm not saying you should have done it. I'm just mentioning this as a general thing that everyone should follow.

 

I felt the same way you did before this happened to me. I wanted these women to kick their men to the curb. Punish them. Elliot Spitzer's wife - nuts for standing by him, I thought. But then it happens to you, and it's less than a full-blown affair or some overt sex offense but still hurtful - what then?

 

In my opinion, anything romantic (be it a kiss or anything of the like) should be grounds for throwing him out. If it was just a back-rub that you couldn't confirm well, then I'd say just keep looking. If he kissed a girl or something like that (which isn't sex but it still is something), then you should throw him out. Be STRONG.

 

And about Elliot Spitzer's wife, she only stayed with him for the power/money. A lot of women do that. He'll always have money or power or status (he's got a TV show now). Unfortunately, a lot of women will take $H!t and be in a love-less marriage only to maintain status. These women are not to be looked up too. As much as their husbands are scumbags, the women also fall into the scumbag category (or gullible category) when they decide to "stick by their man" in such times. They don't want to lose being comfortable. Those women never know true happiness.

 

I am choosing to trust but verify anywhere I can. So far things have been on the up and up. We are also going to counseling.

 

As much as I'd love to say "just trust him 100%", he's already given you reason to investigate (the back rub.....wtf??). Investigate. Counseling won't do much if one of the partners is a cheater. Attraction isn't a choice you can just "counsel" away.

 

Try just to rely on your SELF-ESTEEM and love for yourself. If you ever catch him cheat, if you have any self-esteem, you'll throw him out without letting him fool you (ex: him saying "I didn't mean it"...."you never showed love to me"...."we need to stay together for the kids" etc). I advice you not to fall for the tricks men have to trap women into staying in a love-less marriage. Have a self-esteem. Hope everything works great!!!!

[mzdolphin]

This is my first post. I would love to hear about the real life experiences of men who travel for work. Where are the danger spots for one's marriage in a situation like this?

 

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job. I have asked that he does not go to the hotel bar alone at the end of the night. He likes to have a beer and watch sports to unwind. My question is, has anyone experienced being approached while they were on travel in the hotel bar?

 

I used to work in sports media and I know not only did professional athletes cheat, but even the sports journalists who covered them. They were all away from home so much and their travel was so routine, meaning there were certain cities, hotels they would visit regularly for games, so it was easy to establish relationships away from the wife.

[Memphis Raines]

This is my first post. I would love to hear about the real life experiences of men who travel for work. Where are the danger spots for one's marriage in a situation like this?

 

depends on the person doing the traveling. I go out of town at least 3 times a year for my job. I'm not married any longer, but when I was it was strictly business.

 

sure the people we were there to do business with took us out for drinks and whatnot, and I even got hit on a couple of times. but immediately let the lady know I was flattered, but had a wonderful wife at home(which was a load of crap at the time I didn't know)

 

so it depends on the man. if a man believes in committment and loves his family, he won't even entertain the idea.

 

besides, I usually looked forward to getting back to the hotel room and playing online poker.

 

 

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job. I have asked that he does not go to the hotel bar alone at the end of the night. He likes to have a beer and watch sports to unwind.

 

then he can do it in his room. this is an excuse.

 

 

My question is, has anyone experienced being approached while they were on travel in the hotel bar?

 

again, yes, and being a one woman guy, I was flattered, I'll admit that, but let them know right away I was married and had my wedding ring on.

 

thing is, your husband has already been unfaithful.

 

so here is something you can do. tell him to give you the number to his room. call it. if he doesn't answer, keep calling it and find out just how long it goes unanswered. that way if he says he was in the shower, you can determine just how long a shower takes and call him on bulls##t if it takes too long.

 

and if you call him and he answers, say at 10pm, then call him around 11. Because he might just wait for your call, then leave the room.

[nyrias]

This is my first post. I would love to hear about the real life experiences of men who travel for work. Where are the danger spots for one's marriage in a situation like this?

 

My husband has been unfaithful but still continues to travel almost weekly for his job. I have asked that he does not go to the hotel bar alone at the end of the night. He likes to have a beer and watch sports to unwind. My question is, has anyone experienced being approached while they were on travel in the hotel bar?

 

I travel quite a bit for work and i don't go to hotel bars. I think there is something you can do.

 

Get an iphone/ipad (or just a webcam on his computer) so you can do video calls with him when he is traveling. I have an iphone and i facetime with my kids like 3-4 times an evening when i am traveling. I can "virtually" have dinner with my family that way.

 

Oh you do need a wifi connection but MOST hotels have them.

 

And if he spend hrs with you on a video call, the chance of him doing something else is quite slim.

[CuriousSally]

so here is something you can do. tell him to give you the number to his room. call it. if he doesn't answer, keep calling it and find out just how long it goes unanswered. that way if he says he was in the shower, you can determine just how long a shower takes and call him on bulls##t if it takes too long.

 

and if you call him and he answers, say at 10pm, then call him around 11. Because he might just wait for your call, then leave the room.

 

The first suggestion was how I found out he wasn't in his room when he said he was ( I had just spoken to him on his cell phone) on DDay.

 

I have done the secong suggestion and he was angry because I woke him up on the second call! But I do appreciate any suggestions, so thanks for taking the time to respond.

Edited May 11, 2011 by CuriousSally
Clarification

[Linda9999]

I just endured my husband being away for 4 days on business and it was excruciating despite the fact we prepared together for it, since we both knew I was going to be a mess. I can't even imagine if he brushed off my reservations like yours is. I don't think I would tolerate it. We're 6 months past our 2nd D day and neither of us expects things to be back to 'normal' anytime soon, however you want to define 'normal'.

 

You say you're in counseling - have you discussed this in there?

[Memphis Raines]

I have done the secong suggestion and he was angry because I woke him up on the second call! .

 

 

oh boo effin hoo for the cheater. gets angry at you for waking his priss ass up, but probably expects you not to give him grief over his cheating.

[CuriousSally]

You say you're in counseling - have you discussed this in there?

 

Not yet. Found a new counselor due to the first one telling us we were stuck and saying "Good Luck".

[Woman In Blue]

I don't blame you for being highly suspicious about the "clothed backrub" story. What a pile of bullcrap that story is.

 

I think most men are only as honest as their options, and he's got plenty of options as he's always on the road and away from the eyes of his family.