My husband wants to date other women

[bellaluna]

Hello! I need help. I was browsing the net and found this site. I am so heartbroken right now. My husband and I have been having problems this past 4 months. Our sex life is dead. I have asked him if there was something wrong but he said it's just pressure from work. But there are times when he disappears for a couple of hours. Some nights he would walk our dog and be gone for more than two hours-when a month ago, I had to beg him to walk the dog. Recently, even at 11 at night he would walk the dog!

 

I thought something is a bit off...I can't really pinpoint it. Earlier tonight I found him slump asleep on his desk in his office with the computer on and on the screen I saw the site Plenty of Fish and on another window, AdultFriendFinder. I am devastated. I woke him up and asked him what he was doing on those sites. He said he was just "checking it out"-except that on the POF site he actually has a profile and on it he wrote that he was "looking for a relationship".

 

I was so distraught and upset and I kept asking him if he wanted to leave me and if he is looking for someone to be with on those sites. He replied..no, that I was overreacting and that he just wanted to (again) check it out-just for fun. I do not believe him. So I told him that he can just tell me the truth about what he wants so I can choose what I want to do. He finally said he wanted to stay married but also be free to "come and go as he please". Then I asked,"you mean,stay married but see other women, too?"..he replied "yes".

 

Please....I am drowning here. I have been with this man for 20 years. I need help. I do not know how to navigate this. He told me he does not want a divorce because he loves me and would not know how to live without me by his side-BUT,he said he feels his life is mundane and routine and that he is unhappy even though he loves me.

 

Sorry for rambling on, I am typing this in tears Thank you everyone.

[PegNosePete]

Hi there welcome to the site, sorry for your situation

 

So he wants an open marriage and you don't. He cannot have his cake and eat it. If you both want the marriage to work then you need to get to counselling ASAP, BUT you need to get the full truth first otherwise he will just lie, lie, lie. I would bet good money that he is already seeing other woman.

 

Getting the truth may involve snooping and some detective work. Check his phone. Check the computer. But do not alert him that you are onto him, because all evidence will mysteriously disappear. Personally what I would do is wait for him to go "walking the dog" late at night, and discretely follow him. I would bet good money that he isn't just going 10 times round the park. Just observe and gather evidence... don't go bashing any doors down.

[TaraMaiden]

Hello! I need help......

 

So I told him that he can just tell me the truth about what he wants so I can choose what I want to do. He finally said he wanted to stay married but also be free to "come and go as he please". Then I asked,"you mean,stay married but see other women, too?"..he replied "yes".

 

Please....I am drowning here. I have been with this man for 20 years. I need help. I do not know how to navigate this. He told me he does not want a divorce because he loves me and would not know how to live without me by his side-BUT,he said he feels his life is mundane and routine and that he is unhappy even though he loves me.

 

Sorry for rambling on, I am typing this in tears Thank you everyone.

 

The guy's a piece of work.

but you did push him, and you did ask him to tell you "so you can choose what to do".

 

Think about this carefully.

You now have the information you asked him for.

 

You now have to choose what you want to do. That's what you told him you wanted the information for.

So now, he's put the ball in your court.

 

Choices?

 

Three.

 

ONE: Comply with his wishes, suck it up and deal with it (but you never want to know when he does it, where, with who and how. EVER. he has to be completely discreet and sensitive to your needs in this.

 

TWO (PegNosePete's ideal solution): Absolutely put your foot down, refuse point-blank, and tell him you insist you both go to counselling (together AND individually) to try to find a solution to this, together, to build on what you have lived on for the past 20 years (This would be the best solution).

 

THREE: Fine, sure, see other women. But you divorce first. You will never tolerate being in a marriage with a person who cheats on you and cannot remain faithful for better or for worse, so he can go screw everything in a skirt that moves, for all you care - but not while he's married to you, he can't,

(this would be your second best option).

 

let us know how things develop.

We're here for you.

[Woggle]

Leave him and then he can date all the women he wants.

[hoping2heal]

What an awful situation. I am guessing that hios lack of sex with you the last 4 months has been due to him giving it to someone else, elsewhere?

 

You should ask him, I am just not sure he will be honest about it. I think he is willing to be honest up to a point. I think if he feels it is in his best interest to hide any sex he has already been having on the side, that he will.

[KikiW]

It sounds to me like he has already laid the groundwork for a fling, if he hasn't already indulged. Now he is just wanting your blessing to go ahead with it.

 

Assuming this is not acceptable to you, like TaraMaiden mentioned you really only have 3 options. I would recommend starting with option 2, then moving to option 3. You MUST demand transparency, however - he has to give you access to all his emails, his phone, everything. Even if he agrees to that, get a keylogger (which will show you if he is logging into an email account he didn't tell you about), and double-check bank statements (see if he is transferring money to another account you don't know about, or is purchasing things like disposable phones or memberships to any of these adult sites).

 

If he is back on track with the marriage, nothing will crop up. If he's not, you have the knowledge that you can move to option 3 without getting gaslit by him - you will have the evidence in hand to make the most informed decision.

[bentnotbroken]

Though you are in extreme pain you are actually in a very good position. You are in control of what you want to do with the information he has provided. Some of us never got that choice. I can't tell you what to do, I know I would give him his freedom to date whomever he pleased. I don't know what your belief system is, but I know for me that wouldn't be a marriage.

 

Tara, laid out the options you face. Think carefully about what you want, what you expect of yourself and your standards for marriage and life. Don't be pushed, but be aware.

[yessy21]

Oh man .... how selfish of him. would u be willing to see other ppl? Maybe u need to space up ur romantic life a bit

[Baroness67]

Sounds like midlife crisis to me. I'm actually impressed, though, that he articulated so precisely (inasmuch as that's possible, considering they are actually usually pretty confused about what they want). Believe it or not, that is promising - the way the OP told it, he didn't seem to do it with malice or anger (e.g., "you are boring, etc." or "I don't love you the same way anymore") and did not dump all over the marriage as having been a mistake or indicate that it lacked any value to him. He actually clearly stated that he wants to stay married - that is good. You and the marriage are of value to him. Many wives in your position don't get that lucky. I know I didn't.

 

As others have said, it's also pretty helpful that he articulated his position - he's bored, is probably afraid that he will never have any more sexual variety in his life, is feeling like life is passing him by and he wants what probably feels to him might be a last breath of fresh air. I didn't totally understand this when my husband decided he wanted "off the leash" three years ago. All I could see was that he didn't value me and all we had, I was still "in love" with him the way I thought I always had been - I did not realize that the man I was "in love with" was no longer the same person I thought he was.

 

It's ridiculously hard, but if I were the OP, and had to do it over again, I would have done my best to keep my husband talking. (Although, in my case, my husband wasn't a talker. I wish he had been.) I wouldn't have drawn immediate lines in the sand. It only forces someone to take action who already isn't thinking clearly. Your husband clearly is not sure what he wants, so my personal opinion is that it's not the ideal time to force him into a major decision. It's not like you've actually discovered he's been having an affair with the neighbor.

 

So far it's just suspicions, you don't know that anything has happened. Although, personally, if he's been walking the dog at all hours, I think there's something to that.

 

From my perspective, which might not be yours, if you want to keep your marriage, don't force any decisions until you have better information. If you are the type that won't stand for any crap, period, and have the guts to follow through with it, by all means toss him out. The 180 has worked for many a poster on these boards. Eventually it also worked for me, but by the time I was putting it into action, they weren't behaviors that revolved around getting my husband to do anything. They were about putting my own life back on track and making my life about me, no longer about him.

 

My advice would be to keep him talking, sit back, gather yourself as much as you can (although ridiculously difficult, hardest thing I have ever done), and get a better picture of what you are actually dealing with. Right now there are too many possibilities, running the range from his having 2 hour conversations with the dog to actually having a girlfriend out there that you don't know about. Your husband could just be at a very confusing time in his life, or he could be lying his tail off to you. You can't know what's going on yet just based on what's happened so far.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Snowflower]

The more I think about your situation, bellaluna, the more I think it might be salvageable. Your H is being open with you even if it was he is telling you is very painful.

 

Many spouses are not given this opportunity. I'm not saying it is a good thing necessarily because his behavior is putting your marriage in jeopardy.

 

I do agree with some of the other responses (based on what you wrote) that he still values you and your marriage and just as importantly, is using you as a confidante as he works through his confusion.

 

Do keep posting if you find it helpful to you and, welcome to LS!

Edited April 14, 2011 by Snowflower
Grammar!

[jnj express]

You can't keep him from doing whatever he is gonna do---and I doubt if you wanna spend the rest of your life being a prison guard, and checking on his every move

 

Tell him he is free to do whatever he wishes in re: other women---but also tell him you will not SHARE him with anyone else---and if he persists---that D. is on the table immediately

 

You must take a hard line about this---don't go around whining, and feeling sorry for yourself---handle the situation

 

I am very sure when confronted with losing half of everything, and paying alimony, and child support if that factors in---he will wake up

 

You can read thousands of stories like yours, and almost every situation, nothing changed until the betrayed spouse took a very HARD line, and stood up to the cheating partner---letting them know in no uncertain terms---that they would not like the consequences of their cheating---taking a hard line and standing up for yourself is what you must do------you need to get right up in his face, and back him down---do not be afraid-----what is he really gonna do----his choices are to get back in line, and become your H, or to face a Divorce

[bellaluna]

I am sorry I have not been back to respond to your posts. I have read them but was unable to string a complete sentence without being reduced to tears.

 

I am better today. Thank you so much for taking precious time out to respond to me. 'Will try and respond to all your posts:

 

PegNosePete: I am so humiliated that I might have to do some snooping to get to the truth. I checked his phone-even reviewed our account online and checked all the numbers and texts(what numbers the texts came or are going) and there is nothing there. I thought if following him but I am afraid someone would think it strange that I am walking alone at night ( I live in a gated community and we have security doing rounds). I am thinking he MUST have a pay-as-you go phone that is hidden somewhere but who knows? I want to call his office and talk to his secretary and ask if he has been out much an such but I do not really want to do that-it's embarrassing. I very rarely call his office and very rarely even go visit/or stop by. BUT I do really feel it in my heart that he is seeing somebody else. I just do not have proof.

 

 

TaraMaiden: My husband is in counseling, as a matter of fact, he told me last night during dinner that he was going to see his counselor(2nd visit) and that he has to list attributes that he thinks are positive and negative about him. He asked me what I think are his +/- attributes. I told him he is patient and hardworking and helpful ( he cleans the pool, the yard and oftentimes cooks-even though we have hired help to do these things), etc.etc.-then while I was telling him what was good about him I lost it! I just broke down crying- I want my sweet, loving husband back. I feel like this person I am dealing with now is an impostor!!!! Then he held me tight and said that he was too tired to "deal" with issues in our marriage "now" and that no matter what happens to us, he will always love me.

 

I did not like what he said...what does he mean "what happens to us?". I feel like he is saying goodbye!!!!

 

The 3 choices you presented are really sound and logical. BUT, I am a housewife. I have a college degree but I have never worked in my life. @ 40, I am not sure what I can do. I do not know anything but to be his wife and mother to my daughter. I am lost without him.

 

For sure a lot of things to think about. I DO know that I will survive this, I just do not know how well.

 

hoping2heal:I have asked him, pointblank if he is seeing somebody else, and he said NO, but he said that he does want to "venture out".

 

KikiW: As far as I can check, our accounts have no "strange" transactions. I am in charge of the bills. Unless he has an account that I do not know about. However, I just ordered credit reports under his name and all the credit cards that were listed were all under both our names. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

 

yessy21: My H said that if I wanted to "see" other people he will have to be ok with it because it would be hypocritical of him to forbid me. But he also said he does not want to know about it. Not the answer I wanted to hear, he obviously do not care anymore.

 

Baroness67: I really cannot see what is "promising" about my situation-I want to see it though, desperately. I hope soon I will. By the way, what is 180?

 

Snowflower: I do hope with all my heart that my husband still values me and our marriage. I feel that he was just trying to lay it down on me "gently".

 

 

jnj express: No, I am not going to be a "prison guard"-just the thought is humiliating to me. I should not have to keep track of him. In re: about alimony, child support and other money matters: I know my husband is going to be generous to me. But definitely, my financial life as I know it will not be the same-he on the other hand, will continue to grow ( I believe) because he is very good in his field.

[bellaluna]

Dinner tonight was pleasant, but he went out. He said he was going to the range to shoot. I think the range closes at 9, it is already almost 10 o'clock. I am going crazy thinking where he could be!!!!!! I want to call him but I am not going to. Before he left, he gave me a kiss (like usual) and said, "I love you, I do". I did not respond.

 

I think I am going to take something to make me sleep so I am not here thinking crazy thoughts!

[Duckduckgoose]

What about your children... do they know what is going on? Are they acting up at all?

 

I worry about them in a situation like this, they gotta see that dad's acting funny and mom's really upset

[bellaluna]

Duckduckgoose: We only have one daughter. She is 20 years old and away from home. She is a junior in college. I have not told her anything. My husband was concerned about her, actually. He said he did not want to upset her since she has finals in a few weeks.

[Snowflower]

bellaluna, how are things going for you today? How did things end up last night after he came home?

 

(((hugs)))

[bellaluna]

Hi snowflower! my husband called me that night and told me he was just taking a ride and came home just before 12. I pretended to be asleep and he quietly got into our bed gave me a kiss and pulled me towards him.

 

This morning I went out early to the farmer's market while he was still asleep. Later he called and asked where I went and why I didn't give him a kiss good morning/good bye before I left. Yet, when I got home he was gone. I didn't know where he went-later he called me twice to let me know he was with some friends playing golf. Later, he came home with a family friend and they had dinner with me-then they left again and it's already after one in the morning and he is not back yet

 

By the way, the shirt he was wearing last night smelled like some perfume I do not recognize and he buried the shirt underneath the other dirty clothes. Why would he do that? There is no trace of make-up stain or any other stains.

 

I refuse to interrogate him about his whereabouts, but I am dying to know where he is disappearing to.

 

I read the story of another poster here whose husband is leaving after 20 years of marriage. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he does not love me anymore and that there is somebody else. It would be painful but at least I know for sure.

[armaan0077]

Hi,

It seems like Mid Life crisis. Most of us, feels like this in our 30's and 40's. He is an honest person, a loving H. But he is bored due to his monotonous life and want some adventure. Dont worry he is not in relationship with anyone, he loves you only. No matter whatever he do, he will come back to u.

[Snowflower]

Hi snowflower! my husband called me that night and told me he was just taking a ride and came home just before 12. I pretended to be asleep and he quietly got into our bed gave me a kiss and pulled me towards him.

 

This morning I went out early to the farmer's market while he was still asleep. Later he called and asked where I went and why I didn't give him a kiss good morning/good bye before I left. Yet, when I got home he was gone. I didn't know where he went-later he called me twice to let me know he was with some friends playing golf. Later, he came home with a family friend and they had dinner with me-then they left again and it's already after one in the morning and he is not back yet

 

Bellaluna, you sound so smart and strong. You are handling this really well, all things considered.

 

I am surprised there are so few responses to your thread!

 

I agree that it sounds like a classic MLC for your H. Whether or not he is having an affair is still unknown and believe it or not, maybe not your main concern at this time. It seems your H is not acting like a mature married man with responsibilities. His "crisis" is manifesting itself in an affair or in other destructive ways.

By the way, the shirt he was wearing last night smelled like some perfume I do not recognize and he buried the shirt underneath the other dirty clothes. Why would he do that? There is no trace of make-up stain or any other stains.

 

It's anyone's guess about the shirt. But remember, finding the make-up/lipstick stains is just so, well, cliche!

 

There is more to this I think. From what you write, he is acting like a teenager with no thought as to the consequences of his actions. Your daughter was a teenager not so long ago, I'm sure you remember.

 

It's like your H is playing with fire in regards to living a different life. Another woman might be a part of it but it is not the only issue. Hope that makes sense.

 

I refuse to interrogate him about his whereabouts, but I am dying to know where he is disappearing to.

 

Kudos for not interrogating him! I know it's difficult not to.

 

I found the 180 list that I think someone else referred to earlier in this thread and pasted it here for you. It refers to the other spouse as "she" but it works for men too.

 

I've read several stories where the 180 has worked really well so you might want to try it. Actually, it sounds like you are doing some of it intuitively anyway!

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

What is so good about this 180 is that it gives YOU THE TOOLS to beginning moving forward individually no matter what your H does.

 

As you already know, you can only control yourself and your husband is going to do what he is going to do. The 180 list makes you concentrate on your actions so that hopefully your H will begin to look at his own.

I read the story of another poster here whose husband is leaving after 20 years of marriage. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he does not love me anymore and that there is somebody else. It would be painful but at least I know for sure.

 

That other story is very unusual from everything that I have read about infidelity. Most men will not say that to their wives outright.

 

Keep posting if you find it helps you!

 

Good luck!

Edited April 18, 2011 by Snowflower

[bellaluna]

Hello. I am sorry I have not been back. It is difficult sometimes to get your thoughts together when there is so much to deal with emotionally, mentally. I was trying to do the 180 but found it very, very difficult. I did try though.

 

It has been a very quiet and uneventful few weeks since he announced he wanted to "see" other people. There were no fights nor arguments, just this eerie calm. This past few weeks I actually thought that maybe he has decided that what he asked of me was very hurtful and was foregoing it but this past Friday at dinner, he told me he wanted a divorce.

 

A DIVORCE!!!!!!! I have spent the weekend crying and asking how does one spend 20 years with someone and just say "no more"?

 

He gave me this "it is not you, it is me" bs. That I have been a good wife to him, that he is consumed by guilt for not giving me what I deserved. What? what? What is he talking about? he wants to set ME free---really??????? I do not want to be "free". I do not feel like I am in a prison. What is this bull*****?????????

 

Help me, please. I am so broken inside.

[The Great Gazoo]

I just went through the same type of thing 2 weeks ago. Together for 10 years and now it's just over.

 

It's a terrible place to be. Shattered into a million pieces. I'm moving towards feeling better, you will to. Go ahead. let yourself feel the pain, don't fight it, even embrace it, take a few deep breaths and let it go.

 

I am so sorry, I know it hurts so, so much. Empty, gutted and cold, deep inside. Try and find some friends, family to lean on, people that will listen non-judgmentally.

[beard]

My relationship with my girlfriend is absolutely fine until she says this and I can just feel my anger rise.

 

I'm dating someone whose marriage ended with a six-month affair some eighteen months ago. At first I have said "Well, that was eighteen months ago, and you haven't done anything like that since, and for how long does one keep saying sorry? You've done the right thing by me, so leave it at that."

 

She is worried that she may cheat on me one night when out drunk. It's beginning to play on my mind now. I openly said "Well you tell someone not to trust you, and sure enough, I've been fed this enough times and I'm not sure I can trust you now."

 

She said that she said as if it was some insurance policy if it does happen and I bluntly told her that it would be no less unforgiveable whether I was warned or not and we would be over if it ever happened.

 

She has told me why she believes herself vulnerable to cheating and it makes sense, but the threat is not gone. She was born without a uterus, has been obese before, and now whenever male attention is given to her she is so flattered that she's prone to giving in. And she's explained that it would not mean that she loves me any less: it'd simply be for a thrill when she is drunk.

 

I'm of the opinion that if she genuinely loves me then she will simply choose to control herself. I empathise with her complex about her body but I couldn't ever forgive cheating.

 

I guess the other day came to a bit of a flashpoint. She does not want to go to counselling about the problem: when she cheated on her husband he chose not to leave her but insist that she go to counselling, and tried to forbid her to go to certain pubs.

 

But the real problem was that she wanted to go out to a party at a hotel without me. Admittedly, with two children and only one real friend, she needs a social life beyond myself and her best friend.

 

But it's not the point, and I confronted her. "Look, you have said that your weakness is cheating and you are vulnerable when you are drunk, and yet you are choosing to dive head-first into an environment where there's plenty of alcohol and men, AND you want to go without me? I can't help but feel our relationship could be threatened by this."

 

She replied "Yeah, I know."

 

Because she was not going to back down on going the conversation kept going on and on and got quite heated. It ended with her saying "I have been out on my own before since I have been with you, you know that, and I have not cheated on you. Why are you trying me for a crime I have not committed yet?"

 

To which I admitted fault. I also admitted that I lied in saying "No, I didn't know you had plans on this night that I invited you out."

 

It's just this elephant in the room that hasn't gone. It doesn't seem right. Maybe her saying "don't trust me" is guilt that she has not dealt with and she might desperately want me to trust her?

 

Maybe in going out on this night she might just want to test herself?

 

I don't know. Forbidding her from going somewhere is not an option (I can't do that anyway) but I wish this issue would go away. It's the threat. She has been faithful to me but I hate that this is still lingering.