Wife cheated on me with a day old senior.

[erldeckle]

I was a track and football coach and after the birth of my first child my wife experienced post partium depression... to help I had her come out and help me coach my Varsity track team... big mistake... a day after one of my athletes graduated from High School... He came into visit my wife... apparently they had been flirting towards the end of the track season. Well to make a long story short she left school in the middle of the day during a break and drove in town to a vacant rental I had and proceeded to have sex with him... Boy she made that high school kids dream... coaches hot wife, teacher... etc... my wife was 27/28 at the time and he was 17-18. Hear is the thing... We have 3 beautiful children together under the age of 5 almost 6... I do love her very much and our therapist has classified this as a one night stand kind of affair. I always thought I would be gone if ever cheated on... but now I am very confused... I also made her give me a play by play details of the encounter which really hurts but at least keeps my mind to what actually happened. I know that dealing with any infedelity the easiest choice is leave. My question is does it get any better? The pain from the affair? Whether I am with her or not it is going to hurt and every time I see my kids etc... There is still love... but the pain... I feel like the guy from Brave-heart when he found out he was betrayed... Her action is so out of character... at least I think? we have been together 12 years... I would like to stay and try to work through it... I know I am crazy... but what tips can you offer to help with the pain? Thanks BTW I just found out about the affair which took place four years ago.

[Spark1111]

Welcome to LS!

 

If you just found about it, the pain you feel is very normal.

 

It can take anywhere's from 2 to 5 years to overcome a spouse's affair!

 

You say you love her and your children. Are you guys still in MC (marriage counseling) and IC (individual counseling)?

 

Do you talk about it? Is she remorseful and completely transparent with you?

 

It takes a long time to rebuild trust once it has been broken. Most BS (betrayed spouses) want to know the WHY of it; Why did it happen?

 

And that usually takes the WS a long time in therapy to figure out.

 

What you feel is normal, and will be normal, whatever you may feel, for a long time. There is no magic cure or pill to make the process go any faster.

 

I wish there was. I would have taken it!

[drifter777]

In my experience the pain never goes away. It dulls with time but then flares up white-hot when something triggers the memory. I believe that it is impossible for a man to ever accept the infidelity of his woman - its in our DNA and that's it. Many men do go on with the relationship with the cheater because they do love them and maybe for the kids or financial reasons. The sad truth is that every single case like this that I'm aware of (10 - 12) the man gets to the point of despising the woman and then either leaves and starts a new life or stays in the relationship and everyone suffers. I'm not aware of a single happy ending - it's just a matter of time before those pictures in his mind extinguish any passion he felt for the cheater. You say that leaving is the "easiest choice" but that doesn't fit with my experiences. Leaving to start a new life is a much more difficult option, which is why so many men fool themselves into thinking they can work things out and "get over it". If you want to save untold misery and heartache for yourself and the cheater walk out the door and start the rest of your life right now.

 

Other contributors to this forum will not agree with my advice to you, but note the vast majority of them will be women. That is simply because we are wired differently and women seem to have the ability to get over infidelity - again, probably a DNA thing. Men cannot forgive and forget and, evidently, some women can.

[seibert253]

Can you work throught the pain? Yes you can, but it will be the hardest and most difficult thing you've ever done. At least it was for me.

 

Question you need to ask is do you want to work through it?

 

First, to even consider working through this you have to have a remorseful WW, who's willing to do everything and anything to save your M. Do you have that? If you don't then you're probably wasting your time.

 

Next, if both you and your WW are committed to working through this, then you cannot do it alone. MC for both of you, and IC for her to figure out why she did what she did, and how to correct it. You may need some IC to overcome what has just happened to you.

 

I've been where you are. You hurt to the core, feel like your world has crumbled, and have no trust in the one person who you thought could trust above all else.

It WILL get better.

If you haven't done so, take the time to read up on healing. There are loads of good books out there that will help.

 

Prayers out to you and your family.

[drifter777]

you have to have a remorseful WW

 

seibert: what is WW?

 

Also, have you posted your story and if so where?

[ComputerJock]

So she told you it was a one night stand? Most cheaters use trickle down truth to cover what really happened and for how long. Have they been in contact since.

did you do a check on the kids to make sure they are yours? I think you are only scratching the surface. I would want a ie detector test. How did you find out, did the student brag to all his friends he f*cked the coaches wife and how many of the other students know and are hitting on your wife. She has made her self a tramp and your marriage a lie. You never get over it.

[Spark1111]

seibert: what is WW?

 

Also, have you posted your story and if so where?

 

WW = Wandering Wife, WS = Wandering Spouse

[GorillaTheater]

Something else that comes into play here are the circumstances by which you found out. Did she confess out of the blue? Had you been suspicious and pressing her? From a third party? From something she wrote?

 

The circumstances will tend to show how remorseful she is. As Seibert pointed out, without remorse you have nothing to work with here.

[reservoirdog1]

So she told you it was a one night stand? Most cheaters use trickle down truth to cover what really happened and for how long. Have they been in contact since.

did you do a check on the kids to make sure they are yours? I think you are only scratching the surface. I would want a ie detector test. How did you find out, did the student brag to all his friends he f*cked the coaches wife and how many of the other students know and are hitting on your wife. She has made her self a tramp and your marriage a lie. You never get over it.

Drifter77, "WW" = "wayward wife".

 

CJ raises some good points. Erldeckle, how did you find out about this? Did she come clean on her own? Or did you find out and confront her with it?

 

When did it happen, and when did you find out? (I ask because I echo what CJ said about paternity of your kids.)

 

If she didn't come clean on her own, spontaneously, then it is highly, highly likely that there is more to the story than you know. In that circumstance, cheaters basically NEVER give the full story; they tell everything they figure the betrayed partner could find out through other sources. They practice damage control and containment.

 

If she came clean on her own, that's at least one positive indicator for the future of the marriage.

 

Whether she came clean or got found out, if she wants to rebuild the marriage, she needs to give you TOTAL, UNLIMITED, ANYTIME ACCESS to her email, cell records, text messages, web browser history. She needs to make herself accountable to you, 24/7. She should basically expect to have no privacy for the foreseeable future. Trust is built through a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. If she resists any of this, or starts whining about her lack of "privacy", then that tells you a LOT about her commitment to you, the marriage, and her commitment to rebuilding.

 

It sounds like you only learned of her betrayal recently. It's probably too early to make rash decisions. But the stuff I wrote in the above paragraph should be non-negotiable.

 

Good luck man...

[whammy]

she also might have had with some that is underage... a child...that is sick

[Memphis Raines]

I know that dealing with any infedelity the easiest choice is leave. My question is does it get any better? The pain from the affair?

 

yes, it does. when you are no longer with her, the pain will be less. She threw away her marriage for a kid. A kid that won't want her in the long term. So let her have him and cry her eyes out when he doesn't want her any longer and bests her for a younger hottie

 

yes, you still may be in pain after a divorce, but the pain of staying with her and looking at her face every day would be worse in my opinion.

 

I grieved the death of my marriage, but I was the one that filed and the gried didn't last long once I found a few women that was waiting out my divorce. Everyone thinks the person they were with is the ONLY person in the world. they aren't. There are better people out there to be with.

 

You'll see. You'll be fine once all the smoke clears and its done. And yes, the cheating wife will get custody if she wants it. But you will adjust to being a weekend dad. It was hard for about the first few months, but you will get used to it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Whether I am with her or not it is going to hurt and every time I see my kids etc... There is still love... but the pain... I feel like the guy from Brave-heart when he found out he was betrayed... Her action is so out of character... at least I think? we have been together 12 years... I would like to stay and try to work through it... I know I am crazy...

 

What you do is up to you. Personally, I choose to believe that there are women out there who would not do this to you.

 

I would not go through the pain and anguish of trying to fix it. I would always feel like a chump just too pussy to leave.

 

I would also fight tooth and nail to have my kids... I know I could find a better woman to be a role model than that. One who isn't a manic depressive, amoral cheat, who values one night stands over her family.

 

She didn't just cheat on you... she cheated on her kids too. If you let her walk away with no consequences she will never respect you... even if she never does it again. If you try to punish her by staying... what kind of a man would that make you? Your children wouldn't understand that.

 

Best of luck in whatever choice you make! It is going to take a lot of strength no matter what road.

[seibert253]

seibert: what is WW?

 

Also, have you posted your story and if so where?

 

 

I posted it in a thread quite awhile ago. Can't remember who's thread it was, so I can give you the cliffnotes version:

• Married for 16yrs, together almost 20
  
• One 8yr old son
  
• 3yrs ago, noticed change in FWW's attitude
  
• Never much of a computer person, suddenly always on computer
  
• Texting on cellphone like no tomarrow
  
• Guarded cellphone like a hawk, deleted all texts
  
• Started becoming increasing "close" with a coworker (OM)
  
• Told her I was uncomfortable with this, got the "only a friend" speech
  
• Got cellphone records, hundreds of texts each month to "Jane"
  
• Checked "Jane's" number, turned out to be OM
  
• One of my brothers in blue found them parked in a secluded spot one evening. She was supposed to visiting her mother
  
• Hacked into her email, bam, all the evidence I needed
  
• Confronted, lied, lied, then lied some more
  
• Eventually admitted only after presenting her with the evidence
  
• "Needed time" and didn't "know what I want"
  
• Gave her 7 days to choose, him or me. Started hardcore 180
  
• She saw the D papers I had prepared on day 6, Bam, fog lifted, knocked off the fence
  
• Extremely remorseful, went the extra mile on fixing what she broke
  
• MC and IC for both of us
  
• Closer now than we've ever been
  

I still have my moments and feel down, but mostly it's all good

[Richard Friedman]

Sad but not too unexpected. She's been with you since she was what, 16? Of course she's gonna want to try different dick. It seems to be a common trend on here with cheating wives having been with their husbands since high school. Maybe these kind of relationships worked out in the 50s when people still had a sense of shame, but the divorce rate of young couples seems to show that everyone experiences a "crazy phase." Best to let women get this out of their systems before settling down with them.

[WorldIsYours]

Sad but not too unexpected. She's been with you since she was what, 16? Of course she's gonna want to try different dick. It seems to be a common trend on here with cheating wives having been with their husbands since high school. Maybe these kind of relationships worked out in the 50s when people still had a sense of shame, but the divorce rate of young couples seems to show that everyone experiences a "crazy phase." Best to let women get this out of their systems before settling down with them.

 

Well those type of selfish women do not need to cheat and drag their husbands around to get what they want. They want a different cock they divorce first.

[Chi townD]

Sounds like you found this stuff out in marriage counseling. Does she seem remorseful about it? What was her excuse? Did she try to justify it by blaming you in some way?

[ZXC123]

I believe that it is impossible for a man to ever accept the infidelity of his woman - Every single case like this that I'm aware of (10 - 12) the man gets to the point of despising the woman and then either leaves and starts a new life or stays in the relationship and everyone suffers.

 

Just curious as who these 10-12 people are. People you know or from what you have read on these forums.

 

I really hope you are wrong but what you wrote is my dilemma at the current moment. I don't want to be in the relationship if the above is true. It will not be fair to myself or her later on. I am around week 6 since D-day.

 

 

Other contributors to this forum will not agree with my advice to you, but note the vast majority of them will be women. That is simply because we are wired differently and women seem to have the ability to get over infidelity - again, probably a DNA thing. Men cannot forgive and forget and, evidently, some women can.

 

I will agree that we are "wired" differently. In all honesty prior to D-day I would have thought I would have re-acted completely different than I have. Right now I feel like I am walking on pins and needles, I feel I am more than she is. I am having a hard time understanding my own feelings right now. I am feeling things I have never felt before nor ever thought I could feel, as if I am having feelings like a woman would. Sorry about the stereotypical blanketed statement about how a woman would feel.

 

One thing that is posted over and over on here is they have to disclose everything. You cannot force them to. When they do, that means to me, they know they screwed up and may want to work on things. If they continue to hide things then I would say it is over. Don't confuse with them hiding things for other reasons. When I found out(on my own) I told her to get her stuff. The kids stayed with me and she got her stuff with help from family, only to make sure I wouldn't do anything stupid. Once my S figured out I wasn't going to throw her @ss out or @ill her she moved back in under the advise of atty for reasons of the kids. She was still concerned about what I may or may not have done. She was out of house for 4 days and back in Friday night. For the next two days we discussed where we were heading next. I was very rational and sane. I never would have guessed I would have had that in me but I did. Since then she has disclosed everything, some things took some prodding at first but I honestly think she has explained everything I have asked. She knows some of the answers are things I really don't need to hear, but knows I need the truth and not lies to protect me. If they cannot do that you don't want them. At least this is a start for me to see if we can reconcile or not.

[Memphis Raines]

Sad but not too unexpected. She's been with you since she was what, 16? Of course she's gonna want to try different dick.

 

then why did he stay faithful?

 

whether she desires this or not, it does not excuse what she did. They both only knew each other since 16. She cheated, he didn't.

 

All it shows is one of them is a piece of crap.

 

He'll be fine. She'll get dumped sooner or later by her young buck and will cry in her beer. And the older she gets the more depressed she will be. Women like this don't handle getting older well. Hell, she'll probably end up drinking herself to death when youth fades and she can no longer get young guys.

 

no guy wants to screw a shar pei

[bentnotbroken]

Sad but not too unexpected. She's been with you since she was what, 16? Of course she's gonna want to try different dick. It seems to be a common trend on here with cheating wives having been with their husbands since high school. Maybe these kind of relationships worked out in the 50s when people still had a sense of shame, but the divorce rate of young couples seems to show that everyone experiences a "crazy phase." Best to let women get this out of their systems before settling down with them.

 

 

Not true for all women. I met Mr. Messy when I was 15. Got together with him at 17....have yet to have a new d!ck. There isn't a crazy phase, just the selfish ones that try to solve issues by adding somebody else to the situation.

[drifter777]

Thank you for recapping this horrible experience, I'm so sorry for your pain. Here's the thing; I don't believe you. I don't believe that you have erased the memories of her and OM and that you are "closer now than we've ever been". I don't believe it is possible unless you have a lobotomy to surgically remove the part of your brain where those memories are stored. Can you honestly tell me that there are not times when the memories flash into your head and you feel a searing hatred for her because of what she did? Then you push these feelings back down and appease your psyche with fantasy's of getting even some day? If you don't have feelings like these than I'm not sure you actually grasp reality. Perhaps you are afraid to start a new life so you are willing to trade your true feelings for this make-believe life you are living because it's simply easier than starting over. I'm generalizing on purpose here because I want erldeckle - the original poster - to understand that the a relationship does not survive when the woman is unfaithful because men are not emotionally equipped to truly forgive and forget. As for you, I'm challenging what you are telling me because my fear is that you are living a lie and every day the self hatred for not walking away builds and contributes to the animosity building for your wife. Its a vicious, vicious cycle that is sick and must be broken for you to have a chance at real happiness.

[drifter777]

Just curious as who these 10-12 people are. People you know or from what you have read on these forums.

 

I really hope you are wrong but what you wrote is my dilemma at the current moment. I don't want to be in the relationship if the above is true. It will not be fair to myself or her later on. I am around week 6 since D-day.

 

The people I refer to as my reference point are made up of friends and family members. I am nearly 60 years old so have a lot of life experience to draw on - including my own personal nightmare. I realize that this sample size is way too small to draw scientific conclusions from, but I add that to the many articles on infidelity I've read published by practicing Psychologists and Counselors over the years. Do the research yourself and you will find that a very small minority of relationships where the wife is the cheater "survive". Also, follow-up with these survivors a couple years later reduces the percentage to nearly zero which demonstrates that when they finished "successful" counseling the husband had found a way to cope with the fact that his wife was unfaithful but that eventually either she strayed again or the coping skills that worked for a while simply stopped working.

 

If you truly want to be fair to yourself and your wife than take a few minutes to honestly examine your feelings knowing that those images in your head will never go away. Also consider that those who tell you it will get better cannot define "better" for you. Is it "better" that memories come less frequently over time although are just as searing as they are today when they do come? Is it "better" that you find a way to overcome the urge to vomit every time you touch her in bed? Neither of these outcomes meet my criteria for "gets better". You can't know the future, but you have to make decisions in the present based on what you feel today and what you can learn from others who have lived through the same thing. At best, the chances of your marriage surviving your wife's cheating are very, very slight.

[drifter777]

Thank you for recapping this horrible experience, I'm so sorry for your pain. Here's the thing; I don't believe you. I don't believe that you have erased the memories of her and OM and that you are "closer now than we've ever been". I don't believe it is possible unless you have a lobotomy to surgically remove the part of your brain where those memories are stored. Can you honestly tell me that there are not times when the memories flash into your head and you feel a searing hatred for her because of what she did? Then you push these feelings back down and appease your psyche with fantasy's of getting even some day? If you don't have feelings like these than I'm not sure you actually grasp reality. Perhaps you are afraid to start a new life so you are willing to trade your true feelings for this make-believe life you are living because it's simply easier than starting over. I'm generalizing on purpose here because I want erldeckle - the original poster - to understand that the a relationship does not survive when the woman is unfaithful because men are not emotionally equipped to truly forgive and forget. As for you, I'm challenging what you are telling me because my fear is that you are living a lie and every day the self hatred for not walking away builds and contributes to the animosity building for your wife. Its a vicious, vicious cycle that is sick and must be broken for you to have a chance at real happiness.

 

This post meant as response to seibert253...

[TMCM]

Originally Posted by drifter777 Thank you for recapping this horrible experience, I'm so sorry for your pain. Here's the thing; I don't believe you. I don't believe that you have erased the memories of her and OM and that you are "closer now than we've ever been". I don't believe it is possible unless you have a lobotomy to surgically remove the part of your brain where those memories are stored. Can you honestly tell me that there are not times when the memories flash into your head and you feel a searing hatred for her because of what she did? Then you push these feelings back down and appease your psyche with fantasy's of getting even some day? If you don't have feelings like these than I'm not sure you actually grasp reality. Perhaps you are afraid to start a new life so you are willing to trade your true feelings for this make-believe life you are living because it's simply easier than starting over. I'm generalizing on purpose here because I want erldeckle - the original poster - to understand that the a relationship does not survive when the woman is unfaithful because men are not emotionally equipped to truly forgive and forget. As for you, I'm challenging what you are telling me because my fear is that you are living a lie and every day the self hatred for not walking away builds and contributes to the animosity building for your wife. Its a vicious, vicious cycle that is sick and must be broken for you to have a chance at real happiness.

 

Sorry drifter777, but seibert253 doesn't need your belief in his words, nor mine for that matter, to move on with his life as he sees fit. And even if he were to dump his wife and eventually marry another woman, what makes you think that his new wife would not cheat on him eventually? Female infidelity has increased to the point that it is almost on a par with male infidelity. The divorce statistics for second marriages are greater than those of first marriages. It wouldn't surprise me that there is a lot more cheating going on in second marriages than we are lead to beleive. So maybe in the case of seibert253 is 'better the devil you know yada yada..'

Edited March 31, 2011 by TMCM
correction

[drifter777]

Sorry drifter777, but seibert253 doesn't need your belief in his words, nor mine for that matter, to move on with his life as he sees fit. And even if he were to dump his wife and eventually marry another woman, what makes you think that his new wife would not cheat on him eventually? Female infidelity has increased to the point that it is almost on a par with male infidelity. The divorce statistics for second marriages are greater than those of first marriages. It wouldn't surprise me that there is a lot more cheating going on in second marriages than we are lead to beleive. So maybe in the case of seibert253 is 'better the devil you know yada yada..'

 

TMCM: I'll challenge anyone when they post something that doesn't ring true to make sure that they are being truthful with themselves. I hope that's ok with you...

[seibert253]

Thank you for recapping this horrible experience, I'm so sorry for your pain. Here's the thing; I don't believe you. I don't believe that you have erased the memories of her and OM and that you are "closer now than we've ever been". I don't believe it is possible unless you have a lobotomy to surgically remove the part of your brain where those memories are stored. Can you honestly tell me that there are not times when the memories flash into your head and you feel a searing hatred for her because of what she did? Then you push these feelings back down and appease your psyche with fantasy's of getting even some day? If you don't have feelings like these than I'm not sure you actually grasp reality. Perhaps you are afraid to start a new life so you are willing to trade your true feelings for this make-believe life you are living because it's simply easier than starting over. I'm generalizing on purpose here because I want erldeckle - the original poster - to understand that the a relationship does not survive when the woman is unfaithful because men are not emotionally equipped to truly forgive and forget. As for you, I'm challenging what you are telling me because my fear is that you are living a lie and every day the self hatred for not walking away builds and contributes to the animosity building for your wife. Its a vicious, vicious cycle that is sick and must be broken for you to have a chance at real happiness.

 

Sorry dude, but I really don't care if you believe me. You don't know me, and I don't know you. So we'll leave it at that.

 

Cheers,