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"It did not mean anything" - Is that a good thing?


PinkInTheLimo

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PinkInTheLimo

I read it here and I read it on other internet fora. The WS ends the A, reconciles with the BS and says the A and the AP did not mean anything. Which seems to comfort and reassure the BS.

 

I don't buy it. OK, maybe it did not mean anything. But As often last months, years, promises are made, love is declared. Which still does not mean that it actually meant something but in that case it would mean that a lot of time and energy went into something which had no value. In the worst case, that means that the WS was completely fake with the AP.

Now the BS can think that that does not matter because after all it is the AP, which is the lowest of the lowest in the eyes of some BS.

And I think a lot of BS are kind of pleased to know that they "won" after the A. A good article on this: http://www.helium.com/items/842579-why-women-go-back-to-husbands-who-cheat

 

The question is: what did the BS win? For me personally, not only how I am treated matters but also how my partner treats others. Being honest with me is vital but he has to be honest with others as well.

 

Another thought: if the WS decides to stay in his M, would he have the nerve to tell the BS that the A really meant something to him and that he had profound feelings for his AP. I think that this is a taboo for a lot of BS.

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Statements like that, or "It was A mistake" or any of the other B/S statements that are made on D-day or after it are just that. B/S!!!! It has nothing to do with the sex of the person that cheated. In fact one of the things I told my WS after I discovered her affair is that if she used statements like that I'd simply walk away from the conversation, no matter the situation. They just angered me so much.

 

Words mean NOTHING in the aftermath of an affair IMHO. Actions do.

 

I do like the statement in that article that compares cheating to homicide, it sure as hell kills a marriage, more often than not.

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PegNosePete

Well if my WS had told me it meant nothing then my reply would be that it sure as hell meant something to ME so don't go saying stupid sh#t like that ever again.

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There is no one size fits all on this.

 

For some...they are reassured that there was no emotional connection between the affair partners.

 

Others would be horribly distraught that it was all "for nothing" but a good time.

 

Some people feel one way...others feel differently.

 

Not sure what else can be said on this, really.

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UnsureinSeattle

I was told "It doesn't mean anything, it's just a crush"-

 

but then she fessed up to her best friend a month later how not being able to see the OM was "tearing her apart" so your mileage may vary.

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If it didn't mean anything then it wouldn't have happened in the first place. How can anyone say that having sex with someone other then their partner was just a passing moment. Of course it means something to everyone involved in a committed relationship. The fact that the WS would even bring this into any conversation to explain their actions means a lot. IMO actions truly speak louder then words when it comes to human interactions and this say's I value my own personal gratification over your feelings any day of the week.

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PinkInTheLimo

You guys seem to see it from the point of the BS, is my impression. But my point is that the WS also betrays the AP by saying that the A did not mean anything or was just sex, etc...

I think the BS should also be concerned about the fact that the WS betrays the AP because someone who betrays others has a major character flaw.

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You guys seem to see it from the point of the BS, is my impression. But my point is that the WS also betrays the AP by saying that the A did not mean anything or was just sex, etc...

I think the BS should also be concerned about the fact that the WS betrays the AP because someone who betrays others has a major character flaw.

 

The WS often lies to the AP. And sure, its wrong. But the AP was already AWARE of the WS character flaw when they found out they were married.

The BS is no doubt very aware that both WS and AP have major major character flaws.

 

As a BS myself , because of the type of my eH's infidelity - I had a lot of empathy for OW because to one degree or another, they were also duped. But their being lied to was not in any part my largest concern regarding the dirt bag's character.

 

When he told me his infidelities were meaningless to him...I believed him. BUT that only made me feel as though....why would you risk ME for something so unimportant?? So - that meaningless argument is garbage.

Sure, the OW, the sex, all of it was unimportant to him...but HE was more important to HIMSELF than I was.

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There is no one size fits all on this.

 

For some...they are reassured that there was no emotional connection between the affair partners.

 

Others would be horribly distraught that it was all "for nothing" but a good time.

 

Some people feel one way...others feel differently.

 

Not sure what else can be said on this, really.

 

Agreed!

 

I never heard this line in my situation but it seems to be one of those affair-script lines that are often spouted by a WH.

 

Sometimes I wonder if all that many WS actually do say this. It seems like an obvious lie.

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You guys seem to see it from the point of the BS, is my impression. But my point is that the WS also betrays the AP by saying that the A did not mean anything or was just sex, etc...

I think the BS should also be concerned about the fact that the WS betrays the AP because someone who betrays others has a major character flaw.

 

Well in this board there are a lot of former BS's so it makes sense that you will get that point of view.

 

Honestly though, why should a BS be concerned that the WS betrays the AP? I'm not trying to be snarky, but why should this be a concern to a BS?

 

Trust me, the last thing I have ever been concerned about is the fact that the OW was "betrayed" in my situation. Who knows, maybe she didn't feel like that, I have no idea. I have felt badly for her because my H quite suddenly cut off all communication with her.

 

But I already knew my H had the capacity to betray. I found out first hand.

 

Besides, it seems like a foregone conclusion that the WS had some issues/flaws. After all, they are already cheating on their spouse!

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You guys seem to see it from the point of the BS, is my impression. But my point is that the WS also betrays the AP by saying that the A did not mean anything or was just sex, etc...

I think the BS should also be concerned about the fact that the WS betrays the AP because someone who betrays others has a major character flaw.

 

XOW here.......it's common for the WS to throw the OW under the bus. IMO, some of the reasons why are he wants to minimize the damage done and it's mostly about covering their own arse. When you think about it they've been covering their own arse with lies for how ever long the affair has been going on with lies to both the BS and the OW so it's not a stretch that they would keep lying.

 

In my view.........some mm do fall in love with their AP, some are in it just for sex, some are getting other needs met, some are evil sociopaths. If the mm does feel he loves/loved the AP but yet for whatever reasons decides to stay in the marriage it would take a very, very brave BS to choose to reconcile with someone that said they loved someone besides them and it would take a whole lot of guts for the mm to admit to that.

 

In conclusion, If I haven't already confused everyone, minimize is the name of the game because some or all believe it will be less hurtful.

 

Oh and the thing that others have pointed out about it being a foregone conclusion..........it certainly should have been.

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PhoenixRise
You guys seem to see it from the point of the BS, is my impression. But my point is that the WS also betrays the AP by saying that the A did not mean anything or was just sex, etc...

I think the BS should also be concerned about the fact that the WS betrays the AP because someone who betrays others has a major character flaw.

 

 

Well my goodness! It seems that the AP wasn't concerned about the obvious major character flaws of a MP who is betraying their spouse. Or does the betrayal of the spouse not factor in when an AP is judging the character of a WS?

 

Should the betrayal of the AP carry more weight in terms of character assessment than the betrayal of the spouse?

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LucreziaBorgia

I had someone say that to me once. My reply? "You would throw away three years together over something that was worth NOTHING? So our relationship was worth LESS than nothing?"

 

It was not a good thing that it meant 'nothing'. It wouldn't have been a good thing if it meant 'something' either. Its a no win situation.

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I read it here and I read it on other internet fora. The WS ends the A, reconciles with the BS and says the A and the AP did not mean anything. Which seems to comfort and reassure the BS.

 

I don't buy it. OK, maybe it did not mean anything. But As often last months, years, promises are made, love is declared. Which still does not mean that it actually meant something but in that case it would mean that a lot of time and energy went into something which had no value. In the worst case, that means that the WS was completely fake with the AP.

Now the BS can think that that does not matter because after all it is the AP, which is the lowest of the lowest in the eyes of some BS.

And I think a lot of BS are kind of pleased to know that they "won" after the A. A good article on this: http://www.helium.com/items/842579-why-women-go-back-to-husbands-who-cheat

 

The question is: what did the BS win? For me personally, not only how I am treated matters but also how my partner treats others. Being honest with me is vital but he has to be honest with others as well.

 

Another thought: if the WS decides to stay in his M, would he have the nerve to tell the BS that the A really meant something to him and that he had profound feelings for his AP. I think that this is a taboo for a lot of BS.

 

My fWH never used the "it didn't mean anything line". After all the A went on in one form or another for 7 years. What he did say was that it was initially just for sex but feelings developed later.

 

Even so, I think you are mistaken that this is somehow comforting to the BS. Where did you get this idea, or were you personally comforted by this idea when you were a BS or know others who have been?

 

It actually sounds like you've not been a BS (lucky you).

 

You also said the bolded above, so I assume this means you aren't an OW either.

 

If you've not been a BS it must be difficult to comprehend why a BW stays after d-day.

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I read it here and I read it on other internet fora. The WS ends the A, reconciles with the BS and says the A and the AP did not mean anything. Which seems to comfort and reassure the BS.

 

I don't buy it. OK, maybe it did not mean anything. But As often last months, years, promises are made, love is declared. Which still does not mean that it actually meant something but in that case it would mean that a lot of time and energy went into something which had no value. In the worst case, that means that the WS was completely fake with the AP.

Now the BS can think that that does not matter because after all it is the AP, which is the lowest of the lowest in the eyes of some BS.

And I think a lot of BS are kind of pleased to know that they "won" after the A. A good article on this: http://www.helium.com/items/842579-why-women-go-back-to-husbands-who-cheat

 

The question is: what did the BS win? For me personally, not only how I am treated matters but also how my partner treats others. Being honest with me is vital but he has to be honest with others as well.

 

Another thought: if the WS decides to stay in his M, would he have the nerve to tell the BS that the A really meant something to him and that he had profound feelings for his AP. I think that this is a taboo for a lot of BS.

 

For me it was not, and I, like so many BSs posting here, recognized for the obvious bs it was!

 

If it meant nothing, why did you sacrifice our marriage, our history and our legacy for a whole bunch of "nothing"?

 

Why did you sneak and lie and devote time and intimacy and resources for a whole bunch of "nothing"?

 

I could have unsderstood it better if it had been for love.

 

But for nothing?

 

My H said six months before DDAY he realized she wasn't the one, he didn't belong there, he fed off her admiration and flattery.

 

Did you tell her this?:confused:

 

No. I did not know how to get out of it. (Translation: Let her down easily).

 

How cowardly of you!:mad:

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OP, where are you? There have been a lot of good discussion points brought up. What are your thoughts?

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When he told me his infidelities were meaningless to him...I believed him. BUT that only made me feel as though...why would you risk ME for something so unimportant?? So - that meaningless argument is garbage. Sure, the OW, the sex, all of it was unimportant to him ...but HE was more important to HIMSELF than I was.

 

This is a very insightful post!

 

It's amazing to me how much emphasis the BS puts on the affair partner. Be it men or women, the lack of moral compass and/or selfishness is usually the main flaw of a person who willingly sleeps with someone else's spouse. Scum!

 

After a long period of introspection (and, I should add, being told her AP paled in comparison...) I too came to the conclusion the enemy of our marriage was my wife; not her dumb ass boyfriend. Because she is very attractive, I do believe she was often pursued, but that mattered little in the end. The issue was her feelings and commitment to me. The rest is collateral damage.

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PinkInTheLimo
OP, where are you? There have been a lot of good discussion points brought up. What are your thoughts?

 

Here I am :).

My thoughts: that the reactions make sense and that I agree that you cannot label something in which you put so much time and energy as nothing. That's rewriting history in my opinion.

Makes me think about that ex-boyfriend of mine who broke up with me. I asked him why. Mind you, he told me many times that "he felt SO happy with me." So I asked him about that. And he replied that he only had felt happy certain moments.

Fair enough, but why did he tell me constantly how happy he was?

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PinkInTheLimo
My H said six months before DDAY he realized she wasn't the one, he didn't belong there, he fed off her admiration and flattery.

 

Did you tell her this?:confused:

 

No. I did not know how to get out of it. (Translation: Let her down easily).

 

How cowardly of you!:mad:

 

Cowardly indeed.

 

Spark1111, I checked your story here. Do you have the feeling that your H is now less of a coward and more of a brave man? Is he now someone who speaks up about things, who stands up for his opinion? I think that such a change is only possible is someone sees a therapist for a while.

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I think there is a world of difference between 'It didn't mean anything', to 'the OP didn't mean anything'. Personally, being told she could have been anyone was dammed hurtful, I kept saying that I would understand if it was for love and that it would make it easier. So in that respect he would have had less of a hard time than the line I got, but he said that he couldn't say it was for love if it wasn't. I know why it was and it was so the opposite of love or even like. It isn't often that a BS wants to hear it was for nothing or it could have been anyone, sort of demeans and lessens the marriage and the BS. However, compartmentalising and fog is very often the reason for this.

 

Do it for love, do it for sex, but for God's sake do it for something I can at least understand.

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PinkInTheLimo
I kept saying that I would understand if it was for love and that it would make it easier.

 

I totally agree.

I think there are BS who can forgive a ONS or a purely sexual A easier than a love A.

But I can understand a love A a lot better than just an empty sexual A.

 

Maybe it is because I don't feel a lot of respect for people who have sex without feelings. A love A would make the WS more "human" in my eyes.

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PortuguesePrincess80
I read it here and I read it on other internet fora. The WS ends the A, reconciles with the BS and says the A and the AP did not mean anything. Which seems to comfort and reassure the BS.

 

I don't buy it. OK, maybe it did not mean anything. But As often last months, years, promises are made, love is declared. Which still does not mean that it actually meant something but in that case it would mean that a lot of time and energy went into something which had no value. In the worst case, that means that the WS was completely fake with the AP.

Now the BS can think that that does not matter because after all it is the AP, which is the lowest of the lowest in the eyes of some BS.

And I think a lot of BS are kind of pleased to know that they "won" after the A. A good article on this: http://www.helium.com/items/842579-why-women-go-back-to-husbands-who-cheat

 

The question is: what did the BS win? For me personally, not only how I am treated matters but also how my partner treats others. Being honest with me is vital but he has to be honest with others as well.

 

Another thought: if the WS decides to stay in his M, would he have the nerve to tell the BS that the A really meant something to him and that he had profound feelings for his AP. I think that this is a taboo for a lot of BS.

 

 

Personally for me it didn't really matter what my h told me after d-day cause I wouldn't believe any of it. Actions speak louder than words in this case. And if he was in love with the OW he would've fought tooth and nail to be with her. I would've let him go no problem. Would it have hurt? Hell yeah. Would I have survived..but of course I would! Nothing that he said to me after D-Day would've mattered or "reassured" or "comforted" me like you have put it.

 

Fortunately for me I got to speak with the OW and that was one of the primary questions I asked her. Did he ever tell you he loves you. She said no. Do you love him? I'm not sure was her answer.

 

Now for your question on winning your own H/W? That really does sound foolish to me. Most bs don't even know their in this so called battle to begin with. If anything its the OW/OM who feels like they are in the battle not the bs who has no clue as to whats going on.

 

And for the last part of your question..it really isnt his option to stay in his M at that point. Its totally the BS's decision from that point on. He's already made the most stupidest decision to affect their marriage in the worst way...and if he so decides to leave..oh well..then I guess the OW "WINS"! :sick:

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Cowardly indeed.

 

Spark1111, I checked your story here. Do you have the feeling that your H is now less of a coward and more of a brave man? Is he now someone who speaks up about things, who stands up for his opinion? I think that such a change is only possible is someone sees a therapist for a while.

 

I would not have even considered reconciliation without NC, IC and MC.

 

And even with that and total transparency on his part, I still sat on the fence for a very long time.

 

It took a change of attitude, consistent actions on his part, and a lot of instrospection and soul searching on both of our parts to put humpty-dumpty together again.

 

That man atoned for his actions for every day for a very long time. That takes tremendour courage.

 

Yes, I do.

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I totally agree.

I think there are BS who can forgive a ONS or a purely sexual A easier than a love A.

But I can understand a love A a lot better than just an empty sexual A.

 

Maybe it is because I don't feel a lot of respect for people who have sex without feelings. A love A would make the WS more "human" in my eyes.

 

Hi Pink, thanks for sharing your viewpoint and coming back to respond with your thoughts!

 

I still think OWL really summed it up very well in his post from earlier in the thread:

 

 

There is no one size fits all on this.

 

For some...they are reassured that there was no emotional connection between the affair partners.

 

Others would be horribly distraught that it was all "for nothing" but a good time.

 

Some people feel one way...others feel differently.

 

Not sure what else can be said on this, really.

 

Owl always posts good stuff. :)

 

Anyway, my first thread here on LS was about something similar...whether an EA or PA was worse. I got all kinds of responses.

 

Now two years later, I think any type of affair is a near death blow for a marriage. My H has never said that "it didn't mean anything" and he also never said that he was in love with the OW. That was one of the first questions I asked him when he confessed.

 

I guess I fall into the camp of being able to more easily forgive an affair if love wasn't involved. Don't get me wrong...his affair, which was really more of a convoluted inappropriate friendship, was almost impossible for me to recover from. Just over the last few months have I felt that I am finally beginning to regain equilibrium.

 

In the very difficult past 2 years...I have come to the absolute realization that whatever he felt for her wasn't love. I didn't take his word for it because I remained skeptical for a long time but followed my own instincts.

 

So for me, if he had loved the OW but stayed married to me for whatever reason (commitment, the right thing to do, family, etc), I would have realized that a part of him was missing. You (general you) give away a piece of yourself when you love someone else. I never felt that this was in the case in all this time we have been reconciled.

 

And because of this I was able to work toward forgiveness. I'm not there yet. But if he had loved her--it would have eventually eroded my love for him.

 

I know some BS feel differently. Some feel that if their WS risked everything for love, then it made it a little better somehow or their pain was at least a little worth it.

 

This is not my mindset.

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PortuguesePrincess80
Hi Pink, thanks for sharing your viewpoint and coming back to respond with your thoughts!

 

I still think OWL really summed it up very well in his post from earlier in the thread:

 

 

 

 

Owl always posts good stuff. :)

 

Anyway, my first thread here on LS was about something similar...whether an EA or PA was worse. I got all kinds of responses.

 

Now two years later, I think any type of affair is a near death blow for a marriage. My H has never said that "it didn't mean anything" and he also never said that he was in love with the OW. That was one of the first questions I asked him when he confessed.

 

I guess I fall into the camp of being able to more easily forgive an affair if love wasn't involved. Don't get me wrong...his affair, which was really more of a convoluted inappropriate friendship, was almost impossible for me to recover from. Just over the last few months have I felt that I am finally beginning to regain equilibrium.

 

In the very difficult past 2 years...I have come to the absolute realization that whatever he felt for her wasn't love. I didn't take his word for it because I remained skeptical for a long time but followed my own instincts.

 

So for me, if he had loved the OW but stayed married to me for whatever reason (commitment, the right thing to do, family, etc), I would have realized that a part of him was missing. You (general you) give away a piece of yourself when you love someone else. I never felt that this was in the case in all this time we have been reconciled.

 

And because of this I was able to work toward forgiveness. I'm not there yet. But if he had loved her--it would have eventually eroded my love for him.

 

I know some BS feel differently. Some feel that if their WS risked everything for love, then it made it a little better somehow or their pain was at least a little worth it.

 

This is not my mindset.

 

I would have to agree with what you wrote Sunflower...my head/heart you name it, wouldn't be able to deal with him falling in love with someone else. That in itself would be the roughest thing to go through for me anyhow. I would seriously crumble..and reconciliation would not be possible.

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