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The 'booby prize'.


1956cadhain

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1956cadhain

My Husband has cheated on me twice throughout our marriage. The first time was 5 years into our marriage, and he has admitted he was in love with her.

She was my 'best friend' at the time, and I helped her so much, financially, and supportively, and I still cannot get over her cruelty, as well as his.

I wasn't fat at the time, but compared to HER, I was.

One day, whilst staying at her house, we both got soaked through and I wanted to go home and get changed. She persuaded me to stay, and that she would find me something of hers to wear. She deliberately chose the tightest pair of denim dungaree's she could find. I was a good 2 sizes smaller than her, and looked so fat and stupid. I was the laughing stock of the party, and she relished in my pain.

One night he 'walked the dog', and when he came home, I was already in bed. I remember kissing him goodnight and getting the distinct smell of female vaginal fluids around his mouth.

I didn't even rate highly enough for him to wash after making love to her, and getting into bed with me.

 

SHE finished the affair, and I had to literally beg him to have me back. I was in a 'battered wife's' hostel at the time, not that he hit me, but for the emotional cruelty he put me through. It was an awful place, and my 2 children were suffering and missing their Daddy. I remember phoning him and telling him the kids were distressed. His reply was, "I suppose you'd better come home then".

 

we made a go of the marriage, and I believe he even fell in love with me again, and 'the other woman' moved away from the area. I never forgot what she did to me, and recently discovered she died 2 years ago at the age of just 50. I can't say I was upset, in fact I believe in "what comes around, goes around". She got what I consider she deserved!!

 

We also had another child 2 years later, and things were great till 9 years ago.

 

We went on holiday to Portugal with his Brother and his wife. We noticed the couple were experiencing marriage problems. We had been driven to the airport by a female friend of my Brother-in-law and his wife, and I picked up that my Brother-in-law and this woman were particularly over friendly. I had been cheated on, so recognised the signs.

My Brother-in-law was awful to his wife on that holiday, and treated her really badly. I felt so sorry for her, as his Brother, (my Husband) had treated me the same way when he was cheating on me.

 

My Husband also noticed how his Brother was treating his wife, and also felt sorry for her, and seemed to over compensate by treating ME like a Queen, and spoiling me. I felt like I was put high on a pedestal loved and cherished , and for the first time in 20 years, I truly believed he would NEVER cheat on me again.

 

How wrong was I???

Just weeks after that holiday, he started a relationship with his boss, the landlady at the pub we both worked in.

I discovered on my return from the holiday that she had given my waitress job away to another person, and I had been offered the lesser job as a cleaner!!

I refused the job as I thought what she had done was unfair, and HE agreed it WAS indeed unfair, but instead of backing me up, he remained at the pub because he was now, he had started an affair with the land-lady.

 

I was now spiralling down into the worst depression imaginable, and I cut all contact with the pub, and lost my social life in the process, as living in a tiny village, that pub was the only place to socialise.

I had nowhere I could go, no relatives or friends I could turn to.

He carried on with his job and social life down at the pub for almost a year, whilst I sat alone in the house, depressed, alone, and devastated, as he practically ignored me. I refused to take any money he earned at the pub, as I looked on it as betrayal money, and referred to it as "30 pieces of silver".

My weight plummeted, and I attempted suicide.

 

Throughout the time I worked as a waitress in the pub, all the tips I received were pooled for a huge staff night out, which was the social hi-lite of the year. He asked if I was welcome to go, but as I wasn't a member of staff any more, I wasn't allowed to go, even though I had I accumulated most of the tips that went towards paying for the event, and again, he DID remark that it wasn't very fair.

HE had the option of taking a share of the £1400 tip money, instead of going out with them, and I was hoping he would take the money and offer to take me out instead, but on the evening of the staff night out, he got himself dressed up, and went out with them. I was left alone, devastated at his selfish cruelty, and spent the night sobbing in my room.

 

Christmas 2000 was also a very bad time for me.

As I had no job now, money was a bit tight, and we agree'd not to buy each other presents, as we couldn't really afford to.

However, thanks to a couple of unexpected 'windfalls', like him receiving lots of tips from his day job as a garbage collector, and me receiving unexpected holiday pay, money wasn't as tight as first expected, and I had saved up to buy him a really nice snooker cue, as we had both been in the local darts and pool teams down at the pub.

We went shopping together to buy presents for the kids, and I suggested we split up and do some 'private' shopping. He agreed, and we arranged to meet up in a pub close to the town centre, half an hour later.

I couldn't really disguise his present, so he had a good idea what I had bought him, but I thought at least the style and design would be a surprise.

On Christmas morning, he opened his present, and thanked me, but admitted he hadn't bought me anything. I was hurt and upset, but I didn't let it show as I didn't want to spoil the day for him and the kids. I remember thinking a cheap box of chocolates, or some bubble bath would have made my Christmas. He reminded me that we'd agree'd not to buy each other presents, but knew damned well I had bought him one, as he was shopping with me when I bought it.

 

On Boxing night, the pub was holding a special competition between the darts team, and the pool team, and unexpectedly to him, I decided I would bury my pride and go into that pub, and watch him play with his new cue.

I remember someone mentioning what a lovely cue, and did I buy it for him for Christmas. I said I had, and then was asked what he had bought for me. I remember feeling really upset and hurt, and embarrassed when I had to admit he'd bought me nothing!

O/W was playing with a rather nice new set of Lady's darts, and when someone asked if they were a Christmas present, she coloured up, went scarlet, made up some excuse that someone needed serving behind the bar, and walked away. He denies it, but I suspect they were a present from MY Husband, bought on the day of the shopping trip when we split up to buy 'private' presents!!! I don't think he figured on me showing up in that pub that night!!

 

Throughout the entire evening, he didn't buy me a drink, he didn't speak to me, he didn't even acknowledge I was in the room, and neither did anyone else. Everywhere SHE was, he was.

I sat for over an hour on my own before walking out without telling anyone. I walked home in tears, and so devastated yet again. It was well over an hour before he phoned home to ask why I'd walked out.

 

Almost a whole year passed like this, and he continued to work at the pub, enjoy a good social life, and messing around with his boss. One awful day, we fought, and he continued to deny there was anything going on between HER and him. I asked him a question I regret asking now, but I had to know how he felt.

I asked him, if a gunman put me and her against a wall, and asked him to choose the Mother of his children, or her, who would he choose?

He told me he wasn't prepared to answer that stupid question, but to me HE DID answer!!!!

 

Eventually, one day, in a rage, I walked into the pub and confronted her in front of her Husband. I caused a massive scene, threw a drink over her, and walked out. Surprisingly, he walked out with me!! COWARD!! Now HER Husband knew, it was time to exit!!

 

We have been together since, and he has returned to being a model Husband. Again, he treats me like a Queen, he buys me everything I want, and is kind and considerate, but I just cannot help feeling 2nd best, or the booby prize!

I have only 'scratched the surface' and hi-lighted a few of the dreadful things he did to me. He was utterly cruel and cold on both occasions, and I still cannot trust that he will never hurt me like that again.

Am I right to stay with him? Can I ever trust him again?

We've been married for almost 36 years now, and for everything he's done to me, I still love him.

I just don't know if I can get over all the bad times he put me through.

Edited by 1956cadhain
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Oh, Honey you aren't the "Booby Prize". He is!!!

 

I'm confused as to how you managed the strength to keep this booby prize. I'd call foul and give it back to the judges.

 

Since his brother was likely cheating on his W as well, I wonder if infidelity is just a part of this family.

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Oh wow. You have incredible strength. Incredible. How awful that it is being used in such a negative way. Being squandered on surviving and managing instead of used to achieve positive things and happiness for you and yours.

 

What worries me is regardless of whether he is faithful in future, it appears you both know he has zero respect for you as a person, or the marriage.

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Woman In Blue

I guess the only thing I would have to ask is exactly when is it that one ceases to be a victim and becomes a volunteer? You chose to stay with him and keep having kids with him even after finding out exactly how much of a pig he is, so I guess you're where you want to be. You're a stronger woman than I, because his ass would have been drop-kicked to the curb YEARS ago.

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PhoenixRise

You may not be a booby prize but you are sure as hell acting like one. The level of disrespect you are willing to accept to keep this marriage just boggles the mind.

 

One thing is for sure, if you continue to do what you have always done you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you are ok with putting up with this extreme disrespect and pain in your relationship in exchange for brief periods of time where he treats you well (until he finds someone else to cheat with) Then stay. You don't have to change a thing.

 

BUT

 

If you want a relationship where you are cherished and respected all the time then big changes are going to have to happen.

 

What do you want? Where is your line in the sand?

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Your story made me so sad for you.

 

I'm sorry but I do agree with those that said that you're the one putting up with this crap and disrespect, and you're the one choosing to be treated this way.

 

Its because you're letting it go, your H thinks its ok to treat you like crap and that you wont leave, you'll just take it and never stand up for yourself.

 

It seems to me that this M has killed your self esteem and all that makes you strong.

 

You need to get out - life is too short to waste it being miserable.

 

***HUGS***

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Gee darling,

My heart goes out to and if I may share your hurt with you somehow? You are certainly a victim of a very sad individual. That long term abuse may take years of therapy just to make it a little better. Please start soon. My fear is that you have been abused for so long that you may not have the strength to make a move. I hope that you can find a safer place better than the shelter before. Get yourself around some caring people doll. You too can have love!

 

-Jonah

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1956cadhain

Yep, you're all right. I guess I have been my own worst enemy. However, I gather most of you good people who have answered come from the U.S. or Canada? Things are different here in England. There just isn't the support here for Women in my situation, and back when the first affair happened, I DID walk out on him, and was placed in a 'battered wife's' hostel.

After just 2 weeks, the place got pretty full up, and very overcrowded. I was approached and told I would have to leave as I wasn't violently treated. I was informed that maybe they could house me for a while, but not all 3 of us. I was already sharing a room with another woman with her 3 children. It was a case of either having my kids taken into care, OR going back home to H.

I don't have any family, ( I grew up in care,) and the only friend I had was the very person cheating with H.

 

2nd time around in 2001 Our oldest Daughter was pregnant with our first Grand-child. She already knew the child was going to be born with problems, and he was. He has a condition called Tuberous Sclerosis and suffers severe epilepsy and is quite severely handicapped. I was offered a placement in a hostel 50k from our home, and a 1 hour 20 minute drive away.

The area we live is an area of outstanding beauty, and property prices are sky high. On H wages, and no job of my own, renting somewhere nearby would be impossible.

I could not leave my Daughter as we needed each other, and H refused to move out of the home left to him by his parents.

Sometimes it's just not possible to remove yourself from the situation, no matter how much you want to, and need to.

 

He HAS been a model H since, and as he's in his late 50's now, he know's he's not got what it takes to cheat any more, and if he did, I would not only throw him out of the home he loves, but take him to the cleaners. (I never stop reminding him).

I LOVED some of your posts, and NO I DIDN'T's view on my situation has made me realise I'm NOT the booby prize, HE IS!!! It's SO true, so why has it taken me all these years to realise that?? I'm also a lot harder than I was, and have made plans for what happens when we die.

I made marriage vows to love, honour, and cherish him till death do we part, and I will, but after that, my will states that under NO circumstances are we to be buried together. Just my last stand that I am a woman scorned!!!:D

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He HAS been a model H since, and as he's in his late 50's now, he know's he's not got what it takes to cheat any more, and if he did, I would not only throw him out of the home he loves, but take him to the cleaners. (I never stop reminding him).

 

Has your husband ever acknowledged or even apologized for treating you like crap for 36 years?

 

You don't want to spend your afterlife with this man--I get that--but I don't understand why you're willing to continue to spend this life with him! You deserve so much more than you've settled for.

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Things are different here in England. There just isn't the support here for Women in my situation

 

Cadhain you do not need to make yourself homeless or feel there is no support for you to change things.

 

If you would be prepared to go through with a divorce, you could speak to a solicitor to get a better idea of what your options are.

 

The first thing to do would be to find a solicitor who deals with legal aid cases to see if you would be entitled to it. They will not charge for your first appointment when they will assess your case.

 

Just because your H inherited your home does not mean you are not entitled to a share of the equity if you should divorce. Nor does it mean he has a right to carry on living in it. If there is sufficient equity in the house to provide two smaller homes (your H would be expected to pay a mortgage on his if he works) then you have a starting point.

 

Because you have been married for a long time and spent much of it caring for your family, you may be in a better position than you think.

I wish you good luck.

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