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"In the process of leaving"


datura_noir

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What does that mean to you??

 

When My h and I first had a DDay, he had apparently been "in the process of leaving" for about 3 months. Our initial conversation was about how much I was lacking and not giving-never revealed an OW. I never begged, just wanted to talk things out and do counseling. He didn't want to. He had, apparently, been telling close friends and family that he was leaving about 3-4 months before I found out.

 

When I REALLY found out (about the OW)about two weeks later, he was 1 day away from a business trip to the Dominican Republic. So he left to go, and then extended (by lying to me) the trip to go see OW for almost two weeks for a "final goodbye". I still trusted that he was being honest and took him at his word that the company had requested he stay (how stupid of me).

 

During that first week of his "business trip", I packed up 90% of stuff and moved it to my sisters 300 miles away. Also, secured a job for me and my 18 year old son there, and registered my grandson into school there, switched my direct deposit to another bank, changed all off the bils into his name for him, and requested a lengthy leave from my work (in case we decided to R).

 

When he came back, he was floored. How did I do it so fast?? Here he was dragging his feet and waffling, and I just picked up and moved on. How dare I!! I left all sorts of junk, thinking "it's not my problem anymore", and had the support and help of many female (and male) friends. Moving 11 years of stuff 300 miles away is no picnic!

 

I guess my "process of leaving" was much more concrete than his!!:laugh::laugh:

 

I guess my question is to WS's; Why such a process? Why not tell the truth and see what your spouse is made of??

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What does that mean to you??

 

When My h and I first had a DDay, he had apparently been "in the process of leaving" for about 3 months. Our initial conversation was about how much I was lacking and not giving-never revealed an OW.

 

I guess my "process of leaving" was much more concrete than his!!:laugh::laugh:

 

I guess my question is to WS's; Why such a process? Why not tell the truth and see what your spouse is made of??

 

Compassion, cowardice, or in rare cases hatred.

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Compassion, cowardice, or in rare cases hatred.

 

Compassion? You're joking, right? I do agree with hatred and it isn't rare. Warranted hatred? That would be rare.

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fBs here....My H promised his OW through implication that someday they would be together....

 

first, when our youngest was safely established in college. Well, that came and went.

 

Then, when he had reached his financial goals, very vague and sometime in the future?

 

When I discovered her existence, I moved out the next day for three days and told him to pack up his stuff.

 

I came back, had the job, and offered to go to a mediator to: divide the house and assets peacefully and immediately,found an apartment, spoke to an attorney, told him unequivocably I did not want "his" money, and told him to go get her. Oh, and don't worry, I will forward your mail to (her address) which I had sleuthed.

 

He was floored, and I could see his confusion as I took away every single excuse he had told her and himself as to why he could not divorce me...yet.

 

Yes, yes you can divorce me. No trouble from me.

 

And that is when his true panic hit.:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

But man, I can act on a dime when forced to.

 

So, I never could understand "this process of leaving me," as he and she must have discussed ad nauseum.:cool::cool::cool:

 

I ended it with him in less than 72 hours!:laugh:

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fBs here....My H promised his OW through implication that someday they would be together....

 

first, when our youngest was safely established in college. Well, that came and went.

 

Then, when he had reached his financial goals, very vague and sometime in the future?

 

When I discovered her existence, I moved out the next day for three days and told him to pack up his stuff.

 

I came back, had the job, and offered to go to a mediator to: divide the house and assets peacefully and immediately,found an apartment, spoke to an attorney, told him unequivocably I did not want "his" money, and told him to go get her. Oh, and don't worry, I will forward your mail to (her address) which I had sleuthed.

 

He was floored, and I could see his confusion as I took away every single excuse he had told her and himself as to why he could not divorce me...yet.

 

Yes, yes you can divorce me. No trouble from me.

 

And that is when his true panic hit.:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

But man, I can act on a dime when forced to.

 

So, I never could understand "this process of leaving me," as he and she must have discussed ad nauseum.:cool::cool::cool:

 

I ended it with him in less than 72 hours!:laugh:

 

 

Amen!! Me too. WTF was the hold up in their life?? I gave him the big screen tv, sheesh, what more could he have wanted?? I just don't understand why I was such an important cog in his wheel to remain intact with the household if he wanted out??

 

After I took myself out of the picture, I guess even the tv couldn't hold a candle to my prescence....He did go all out to win me back after all!

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Compassion? You're joking, right? I do agree with hatred and it isn't rare. Warranted hatred? That would be rare.

 

 

Are you talking mysoginistic tendencies or just aggression towards some perceived wrong??

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Compassion, cowardice, or in rare cases hatred.

 

I can get the compassion that you speak of. Its difficult to tell someone you used to love that you don't love them anymore and want to leave. Many will not take that well.

 

But its not compassionate to plan behind their backs with someone else knowing the details of their being left behind and not telling them until the last possible minute. That is definitely where the "cowardice" comes in.

 

Its clear that most in affairs only intended to have an affair for however long it was going to last. Regardless of love.

 

I have a question for you Wheelwright. You speak a lot of the love you have/had for your MM. About the pain you've caused your spouse. And about how you knew for a fact because she told you, that his W no longer loved him.

 

But what was taking you so long to leave your marriage? Was it part of the plans? Or was it pretty clear that he wasn't leaving so there was no need to blow up your home?

 

More than one question. Sorry. And I definitely will understand your not wanting to answer the questions. Just curious as to whether yours was "just an affair" or if you really had plans to leave in addition to love.

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Are you talking mysoginistic tendencies or just aggression towards some perceived wrong??

 

In my case, both. It only took me over a year to figure it out. He really hated me but told me otherwise. "I love you so very much and would never hurt you, you are so lovely." That was said the day before Dday.

 

I'm a strong woman and he resented me for it and it built up to hatred. I think he always resented me in some way and when MOW entered his life and he carried on an A with her his feelings for me turned to hatred.

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What does that mean to you??

 

When My h and I first had a DDay, he had apparently been "in the process of leaving" for about 3 months. Our initial conversation was about how much I was lacking and not giving-never revealed an OW. I never begged, just wanted to talk things out and do counseling. He didn't want to. He had, apparently, been telling close friends and family that he was leaving about 3-4 months before I found out.

 

When I REALLY found out (about the OW)about two weeks later, he was 1 day away from a business trip to the Dominican Republic. So he left to go, and then extended (by lying to me) the trip to go see OW for almost two weeks for a "final goodbye". I still trusted that he was being honest and took him at his word that the company had requested he stay (how stupid of me).

 

During that first week of his "business trip", I packed up 90% of stuff and moved it to my sisters 300 miles away. Also, secured a job for me and my 18 year old son there, and registered my grandson into school there, switched my direct deposit to another bank, changed all off the bils into his name for him, and requested a lengthy leave from my work (in case we decided to R).

 

When he came back, he was floored. How did I do it so fast?? Here he was dragging his feet and waffling, and I just picked up and moved on. How dare I!! I left all sorts of junk, thinking "it's not my problem anymore", and had the support and help of many female (and male) friends. Moving 11 years of stuff 300 miles away is no picnic!

 

I guess my "process of leaving" was much more concrete than his!!:laugh::laugh:

 

I guess my question is to WS's; Why such a process? Why not tell the truth and see what your spouse is made of??

 

And what happened? I'm on the edge of my seat.

 

Anyway, how long?

 

This all sounds a bit quick.

 

I don't think I'll make any friends by saying this, but as a WS I see where commitment goes beyond love. As commitment is part of love that's not entirely true. Commitment is the most lasting part of love.

 

So we we may all get our knickers in a twist about passion or intimacy, but it doesn't matter in the long run. If your man committed, he'll be there for you.

 

Even if you can't talk to him or have a good sh**.

 

And if you have that, well then you're made up.

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Amen!! Me too. WTF was the hold up in their life?? I gave him the big screen tv, sheesh, what more could he have wanted?? I just don't understand why I was such an important cog in his wheel to remain intact with the household if he wanted out??

 

After I took myself out of the picture, I guess even the tv couldn't hold a candle to my prescence....He did go all out to win me back after all!

 

Same here....he went all out too.

 

I think in his affair delusion he forgot who I was and how I had always been....he talked himself out of that Spark. I guess he needed to. And she helped him with that delusion....every chance she got.

 

But hey, who wants to be anyone's default choice? Absolutely not me.

 

So it was hard to wrap my head around a woman who would tolerate that vague "in the process of leaving" for 1.5 years.... a supposedly, smart career woman like me!

 

That is how I wound up at LS, trying to understand that mindset.

 

But when I finally spoke to her, she was NOTHING like me...common traits aside!

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And, finally, I can laugh about this....

 

His first text to me was: "PLEASE don't tell anyone." I told the world.

 

His second text was: "You better not be throwing out my parent's stuff."

 

I replied: "Wouldn't dream of it. I loved your parents. Come pick it up before I put the house on the market."

 

Next text: "My sister wants to know why you are not returning her phone calls." (She wanted us to reconcile.)

 

My response: "I love your sister. But right now the pain in her voice is too much for me to bear. Why don't you call her and explain yourself to her? Gotta go. Meeting the realtor to look at apartments for me. Give Ms. AP my regards! Kids are well."

 

 

AYEYAYYAY!

 

Now he is at his OW's kitchen table sobbing about he wants to come home to me! That poor, poor woman.

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If your man committed, he'll be there for you.

 

If your man loves you, he'll be there for you.

 

When do they lose that love? Did they ever love to begin with? How can they have ever loved the person they betrayed? How can they ever love the person they betrayed them with?

 

Confused, broken people cheat and there will always be someone just as broken to "love" them back.

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In my case, both. It only took me over a year to figure it out. He really hated me but told me otherwise. "I love you so very much and would never hurt you, you are so lovely." That was said the day before Dday.

 

I'm a strong woman and he resented me for it and it built up to hatred. I think he always resented me in some way and when MOW entered his life and he carried on an A with her his feelings for me turned to hatred.

 

That's is soooo normal during an affair. They have to villainize their spouse so they can continue to place the halo on the APs head. It is part of the affair triangle.

 

It is justification. And it is bs.....it has nothing to do with you!

 

Today, my H is again madly in love with me and thinks less, oh so much less, of his AP.

 

Because that was the only person on the planet who condoned his actions in the name of "true love."

 

His affair will forever be a part of his legacy, our history, our children;s lives. He loathes himself for those former actions, and unfortunately, he loathes her too.

 

She NEVER missed an opportunity to convince him I was less than, and that she was the better choice for him!

 

Plus, she needed still to get herself and her son to Mickeyworld on his dime after DDAy, dontchaknow?

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If your man committed, he'll be there for you.

 

 

If your man loves you, he'll be there for you.

 

When do they lose that love? Did they ever love to begin with? How can they have ever loved the person they betrayed? How can they ever love the person they betrayed them with?

 

Confused, broken people cheat and there will always be someone just as broken to "love" them back.

 

Yes, it takes two, broken, needy and vulnerable people to crash into each other and destroy their lives in the name of "love."

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I can get the compassion that you speak of. Its difficult to tell someone you used to love that you don't love them anymore and want to leave. Many will not take that well.

 

But its not compassionate to plan behind their backs with someone else knowing the details of their being left behind and not telling them until the last possible minute. That is definitely where the "cowardice" comes in.

 

Its clear that most in affairs only intended to have an affair for however long it was going to last. Regardless of love.

 

I have a question for you Wheelwright. You speak a lot of the love you have/had for your MM. About the pain you've caused your spouse. And about how you knew for a fact because she told you, that his W no longer loved him.

 

But what was taking you so long to leave your marriage? Was it part of the plans? Or was it pretty clear that he wasn't leaving so there was no need to blow up your home?

 

More than one question. Sorry. And I definitely will understand your not wanting to answer the questions. Just curious as to whether yours was "just an affair" or if you really had plans to leave in addition to love.

 

These are big Qs for me.

 

First, I split with H straight away after first sexual encounter with x MOM. Because that was right.

 

If only I had carried through.

 

I travelled down to tell my mum the the good news. She and my sister spend a long time telling me how sh** it is to be a single mum. I went back on it. xMOM was not part of that. He didn't want to be a M wrecker - his own or mine.

 

That was difficult. I had to wreck my M and I didn't find that easy.

 

I had a freaky few weeks after I fell in love with xMOM - and that was before A.

 

His BS told me she had never loved him and I did not ask for that info.

 

He said his M was dead.

 

I believed them both.

 

But in answer to your Q, and as my H and xMOM knew, I would have left and made a new life with him. I honestly loved him.

 

In the end, and not the way I wanted it, H found out. That meant I had to sort out my R friendship with him, not to mention my total heartbreak at how xMOM treated me. It took the rug out so I didn't know anything. That's what hurting someone does.

 

But yes, I would have left for my MM.

 

But I don't think he would have left his. From what he told me. It's very difficult to be a M wrecker, n'est pas?

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These are big Qs for me.

 

First, I split with H straight away after first sexual encounter with x MOM. Because that was right.

 

If only I had carried through.

 

I travelled down to tell my mum the the good news. She and my sister spend a long time telling me how sh** it is to be a single mum. I went back on it. xMOM was not part of that. He didn't want to be a M wrecker - his own or mine.

 

That was difficult. I had to wreck my M and I didn't find that easy.

 

I had a freaky few weeks after I fell in love with xMOM - and that was before A.

 

His BS told me she had never loved him and I did not ask for that info.

 

He said his M was dead.

 

I believed them both.

 

But in answer to your Q, and as my H and xMOM knew, I would have left and made a new life with him. I honestly loved him.

 

In the end, and not the way I wanted it, H found out. That meant I had to sort out my R friendship with him, not to mention my total heartbreak at how xMOM treated me. It took the rug out so I didn't know anything. That's what hurting someone does.

 

But yes, I would have left for my MM.

 

But I don't think he would have left his. From what he told me. It's very difficult to be a M wrecker, n'est pas?

 

Then why don't you leave now so you can spare your husband the pain? Why bother being with him if your "love" with OM was so good? All I hear about is you "so in love" with your OM, yet I wonder if he ever felt the same way. Show up on his doorstep now and let's see if he'll welcome you with open arms.

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Then why don't you leave now so you can spare your husband the pain? Why bother being with him if your "love" with OM was so good? All I hear about is you "so in love" with your OM, yet I wonder if he ever felt the same way. Show up on his doorstep now and let's see if he'll welcome you with open arms.

 

There seems to be an underlying bite to this post. Perhaps you are still hurting as well Distant? If so, Im sorry, but i dont think trying to hurt others is helpful for anyone. If I'm wrong, and you are being completely sincere, then I retract the comment.

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There seems to be an underlying bite to this post. Perhaps you are still hurting as well Distant? If so, Im sorry, but i dont think trying to hurt others is helpful for anyone. If I'm wrong, and you are being completely sincere, then I retract the comment.

 

Then I suggest you retract it with your assumption.

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Then why don't you leave now so you can spare your husband the pain? Why bother being with him if your "love" with OM was so good? All I hear about is you "so in love" with your OM, yet I wonder if he ever felt the same way. Show up on his doorstep now and let's see if he'll welcome you with open arms.

 

xMOM blanked me in the street by way of farewell. I already know about the absence of love that evidences. I was hurt by it.

 

On the positive, I think I am getting over him! I feel happy. I think I am through the worst of the heartbreak. I know I am selfish, but I am so glad this is happening.

 

It takes so long.

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