can I heal

[1956peace]

Hi all I am new here,

 

This is my story, sorry so long, I am 1 year out of finding out about my husband's affair with a coworker, we are trying to rebuild after a trying time, we have been married for 23 years..........

My husband is being great now, he loves me and has proven it many times over the year..........

It's me now that can't seem to move past this.......my husband has promised no contact and has given me all the passwords to all his commuication devices, he spends all his time with me, our whole life is better now.......

The affair was exposed in the beginning to everyone, and we survived all the heartache of the affair backlash.......

The problem is that the OW still works in the same place as my husband not directly and they do not need to talk any longer and he says that is the case, he said he makes sure it never happens, he said he understands the NO CONTACT concept..........

I stress about him being at work although he comes home every day for lunch, comes home right after work, I believe him but I think this situation is very difficult for me on a daily basis, I want to trust him and just move on I just haven't been able to yet, do I just need more time.........

Quitting the job is not an option, some times I think of pulling the plug which seems stupid, our relationship is what I have always wanted........he is happier than I have ever seen him.............how does one proceed and be happy in this kind of situation........

any advice is appreciated.........

[imagine]

Keep looking out for a new job far away from OW. Possibly he can speak to his bosses to ensure that he and her will not coincide.

[Sirvivor]

Hello 1956peace... first time posting, I have been lurking for a few months. Your feelings, and the place you find yourself in right now, is almost exactly where I am. The main differences being it was my wife who had the affair and it wasn't with a co-worker but with a mutual friend of ours (a married man with children). My D-day was a little over 1.5 years ago.

 

Upon discovery, my wife ended the affair that day and hasn't had contact since. I too have cut the guy out of my life (he was once a "friend"). We made it through the early stages and with each passing month we became closer and more loving toward each other. I can tell you it has been like a honeymoon for the past year and a half - very few, if any arguments - a blissful, peaceful, loving home. She is head over heals in love with me again, it's like when we first dated... but better because I know her even more. We met 22 years ago and have been married for 16 of them and we've never been closer, more intimate or more happy...

 

We spend all of our time together, I see her everyday for lunch, I have full access to all her Email, phone and social networking accounts. She has been true to our marriage since D-day.

 

But... this affair can overwhelm me at times. It's still one of my first thoughts when I wake up and one of my last before I go to sleep. Throughout the day I think of it often - it can be maddening. I often consider just leaving, starting over and that thought (or fantasy) brings temporary relief. How nice it would be to fall in love again. But then I think that through, and realize that is more escapist thinking than anything else - very similar to my wife's thinking that got us in this mess to begin with - and then I consider our children (both in their early teens and have no idea) and I fight back the pain and try to stay the course.

 

We still see a MC despite our recovery and I talk a lot about the affair. One of the bits of advice my counselor said that I find helpful is, she said... "time can't heal all wounds, but it can change your perspective on a very hurtful event."

 

Think about the big picture, think about where you can be and how you might look back on this time with your husband by your side. You and your husband chose each other once, it sounds like you're choosing each other again. Hang in there... there is a lot of life left to live with each other.

 

Hope this helps.

 

 

On a side note... Hello all. I find this forum to be very helpful at times. Some great perspectives can be found here. Maybe I will properly introduce myself one of these days and post my story...

[1956peace]

Thanks for the boost Survivor, you should post your story, I hear what you are saying and lots of days I think this is exactly what I want in my life and he is the man I have always wanted him to be......

It is so hard to know that they actually wanted to be with someone else, my husband actually told his OW that he loved her, that hurts, the marriage vow hurts..............

But I think on the other hand we can't imagine life without each other either.

I just think it would be easier if they weren't still in the same work place, but maybe I would be thinking the same thing if they weren't.

My therapist says if they wanted to be together and she didn't work there, they would see each other no matter where they worked.......

It's pointless to worry or imagine, he tells me to trust my husband until ........

If the until never comes, I will trust him again........

He says don't try to make sense of my husband's decisions, you can't .......

I'm glad you are the type of man that can survive this ordeal, I'm sorry it's still takes part of your life.........maybe we both need more time for it to go away................

Thanks for listening and supporting my story......

[Linda9999]

I'm ten months past D day#1 and I don't expect to be 'over' this for many months or even years.

 

1956, have you read 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms? It has a chapter about low cost and high cost trust enhancing behaviours. We actually worked on that chapter last night together. Asking a wayward spouse to change job location is common and shouldn't be discounted as one avenue of relief. Your therapist is right, they would find a way to be together, but that isn't the point. The point is that it bothers you a LOT, and your WS should WANT to do whatever he can to not cause you any more pain.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think the answer for all those represented here is simply "more time"...

 

 

All seem to be doing fairly well in the present, and seem quite sure of what it is they want... all just need time...

 

 

You take the garbage out once a week, take the dog out twice a day, go to work 5 times a week, and let the weeks and months pass. Merely "knowing" where you are is a blessing, even if it isn't yet where you want to be.

 

No magical suggestion from LS denizens is going to resolve trust issues over night.

[lara croft]

if it is the first time it has happened and you both understand why it happened (enough to stop it ever happening again), i feel it is not so bad. The fact that he is being so open with passwords etc is a great sign. i had an ex for 6 years, found out after 2 years he had slept with a woman at a party we had been at. i asked if it was the first time he had done it, he said yes and that he loved me etc... but i still felt uneasy but gave it another go. long and short of it, something happened again a year or so later and the truth came out that he had been philandering alot. by that time i was so low in myself and he said he loved me and could change etc... i needed to believe him. but it kept happening time after time. i kept trying to finish it but we were hooked in (codependent).

 

he had mental issues i think but eventually i got out. however, your hubbie seems to have made genuine and reliable gestures. problem for you is the trust issue and emotional hurt. I would advise doing anything you can to raise your own sense of self and independence. it is alot easier to be trusting when you are feeling secure in yourself and security comes with feeling strong and safe in yourself as much as being with a trustworthy person.

i have a friend who's hubbie had an affair but they have worked through it. he did alot of things to make her feel secure. think about what you need from him to make you feel safer and ask him to give it to you. honest comunication and an ability to be vulnerable in strength helps intimacy in my opinion. he has to show you you can trust him and you have to let yourself trust again.

 

best luck with rebuilding this!

[1956peace]

Thanks everyone,

Lara I think you might have hit the nail on the head, I think when your spouse has an affair, it plays a lot with your own self esteem. the woman my husband had his affair with is 10 years younger, she is more curveous than I am.....she has long blonde hair, you know the deal, constant comparison. Also knowing he had feelings for her throw me off as well.........

But she can't compare with me and our history, I never lied and cheated, I kept my vows and my word in tact......

I am attractive, slim, athletic and very together........he just recently said I can't believe how well you fit in with everyone you meet...........people feel comfortable around me.........

My husband has done everything he can do, says all the right things, shows a ton of affection but a trigger moment will happen and it comes flooding back and I am sad, he feels bad for what he has done to us and our marriage.

I just want it all to just be us again and I want to stop wasting our time together crying about the past........

I just can't seem to get myself to a point where I can believe he won't hurt me like that again...............for me now that it has happened once I know it's a possiblity.........he tells me he is not that man anymore, he would never hurt me like that again.........

I guess I just have to try to stop the triggers, try to believe in today

and try to put that past behind me and us.........

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Thanks everyone,

Lara I think you might have hit the nail on the head, I think when your spouse has an affair, it plays a lot with your own self esteem. the woman my husband had his affair with is 10 years younger, she is more curveous than I am.....she has long blonde hair, you know the deal, constant comparison. Also knowing he had feelings for her throw me off as well.........

But she can't compare with me and our history, I never lied and cheated, I kept my vows and my word in tact......

I am attractive, slim, athletic and very together........he just recently said I can't believe how well you fit in with everyone you meet...........people feel comfortable around me.........

My husband has done everything he can do, says all the right things, shows a ton of affection but a trigger moment will happen and it comes flooding back and I am sad, he feels bad for what he has done to us and our marriage.

I just want it all to just be us again and I want to stop wasting our time together crying about the past........

I just can't seem to get myself to a point where I can believe he won't hurt me like that again...............for me now that it has happened once I know it's a possiblity.........he tells me he is not that man anymore, he would never hurt me like that again.........

I guess I just have to try to stop the triggers, try to believe in today

and try to put that past behind me and us.........

 

I can understand everything you are going through. Unlike you the ow in my scenario was older than me by 12 years! Still boggles my mind. Anyhow...I don't think looks has ANYTHING to do with it..and the whole comparison issue is not a road I went down..thank goodness. I don't think you should dwell on that either. If you really do though...I would suggest doing things for YOU! Join a gym..go out with your friends to the mall and get some new clothes...mani's, pedi's anything to bring that self confidence you may have lost when you discovered your husbands affair!

 

Unfortunately...you cannot do ANYTHING to erase this disasterous event from your life. You cannot speed up the progress of trust so to speak. And personally...I'm not sure we ever will! I know we will all get to a better place with time, patience and lots of work..both parties that is. But we have to really let nature take its course. Just remember...God didn't create the whole world in a day!

[Spark1111]

I believe the past moves to the past when it is good and ready too, and not one nanosecond sooner.....no matter how hard we may wish for it.

 

fBS here and my H had a 1.5 year affair with a co-worker. Today, they both work for the same company but he was promoted 50 miles away to another office.

 

She was only slightly younger than me, and a helluvalot more needier, which may have been her appeal. At a time when he could not rescue himself, it was easier to rescue one of these damsels or dumsels in distress. Big ego boost there.

 

A big turning point for me was around 2.5 years from DDAY, and I am not sure why that was.....

 

You are correct to have concerns. As long as there is open dialogue about it with your H, that will help a lot.

 

I told my H if there was accidental contact or intentional contact on either one of their parts, I would have to be informed immediately.

 

Otherwise, I could not do it.

 

Ask for whatever you may need to be reassured. It's okay.

[1956peace]

Thanks for the support I guess I'm just having a few days where I feel sorry for myself, I realize that he could be with her if he wanted to be, that he chose me but I think the idea that they actually chose someone else is hard to take, makes you judge yourself and your worth.............

but that is enough self wallowing, on with the postive side of life..........

it's so much work some days I just want to rest.....

[aeh]

Hello 1956peace... first time posting, I have been lurking for a few months. Your feelings, and the place you find yourself in right now, is almost exactly where I am. The main differences being it was my wife who had the affair and it wasn't with a co-worker but with a mutual friend of ours (a married man with children). My D-day was a little over 1.5 years ago.

 

Upon discovery, my wife ended the affair that day and hasn't had contact since. I too have cut the guy out of my life (he was once a "friend"). We made it through the early stages and with each passing month we became closer and more loving toward each other. I can tell you it has been like a honeymoon for the past year and a half - very few, if any arguments - a blissful, peaceful, loving home. She is head over heals in love with me again, it's like when we first dated... but better because I know her even more. We met 22 years ago and have been married for 16 of them and we've never been closer, more intimate or more happy...

 

We spend all of our time together, I see her everyday for lunch, I have full access to all her Email, phone and social networking accounts. She has been true to our marriage since D-day.

 

But... this affair can overwhelm me at times. It's still one of my first thoughts when I wake up and one of my last before I go to sleep. Throughout the day I think of it often - it can be maddening. I often consider just leaving, starting over and that thought (or fantasy) brings temporary relief. How nice it would be to fall in love again. But then I think that through, and realize that is more escapist thinking than anything else - very similar to my wife's thinking that got us in this mess to begin with - and then I consider our children (both in their early teens and have no idea) and I fight back the pain and try to stay the course.

 

We still see a MC despite our recovery and I talk a lot about the affair. One of the bits of advice my counselor said that I find helpful is, she said... "time can't heal all wounds, but it can change your perspective on a very hurtful event."

 

Think about the big picture, think about where you can be and how you might look back on this time with your husband by your side. You and your husband chose each other once, it sounds like you're choosing each other again. Hang in there... there is a lot of life left to live with each other.

 

Hope this helps..

 

This is exactly where I am. 18 months post D-Day. I chose the terrible path of a revenge affair, and miraculously we are still together. That being said, my husband's A with married coworker is still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. Like several other posters, we go to lunch every day.....we spend all our free time together, and it has felt like a rekindled romance. We go on dates every weekend and are really having fun with each other. We are very affectionate and intimate and talk/text all throughout the day. I do have my bad days, where the thoughts hang on longer than usual and there are times when I still think about leaving. However, I do think we have a really good thing and I think it would be difficult to duplicate. Sure, I might find someone else who has some other wonderful qualities, but I don't know that I could ever find someone who would measure up to my husband. Our two early teen children have no idea either of the absolute devastation that has gone through our household. They probably thought we weren't getting along in the early days after D-Day, but other than that they probably just think we are always kissing, snuggling, etc:love:

[PhoenixRise]

Yes you can absolutely heal.

 

I am a FBS and now happily reconciled.

 

 

Listen, don't be afraid to demand what you need to make this reconciliation work. If you truly can't deal with him continuing to work with her then tell him he needs to make it his highest priority to find another job.

 

Don't think you are being unreasonable. Don't think you are asking for too much. Don't think you are not giving him sufficient credit for the husband he is being to you now.

 

Now I believe in MC and know it can be very effective, and technically your MC is right when he says that even if they didn't work in the same place they could see each other if they chose to. IMO this is beside the point. The situation makes you uncomfortable, and rightfully so. Whether your MC thinks it is pointless to worry is beside the point. You ARE worried.

 

I am not saying you should insist your H just up and quit.....but I am saying asking him to find another job away from OW, in order to help you heal and to heal your marriage is the least he can do.

 

You don't have to grit your teeth and suffer through this job situation if you don't want to.

 

BTW it can take anywhere from 2-5 years to completely recover from infidelity. Triggers are normal.

 

IMO part of rebuilding one's self esteem after an affair is asking for what you need and want from your spouse and knowing for sure that you deserve to get it.

Edited February 9, 2011 by PhoenixRise

[Summer Breeze]

20 some years ago when I caught my WH I made the choice to leave. Sometimes I regret it and wonder if I should have stayed. I know me and I know I didn't have the strength to go through what you're going through now.

 

I look at Spark and Phoenix and everyone else and I see things I might have missed and a life that might have been. I didn't have the courage to do it. I know this is really almost off topic but let them help you through it. I have moments I honestly feel like I took the easy way out. I hope against hope that for all you've put into it now you stick with it and get through the bad days.

 

I love Spark's comment about the past being left in the past when it's good and ready. Man ain't that the truth in all of life not just affairs.

 

Good luck to you and I believe that yes you certainly can heal.

[notsure15]

your doing great, very understanding. my wife would leave me and take the kids. only thing i don't understand is why the other half seems so happly after they are caught. is it because they no longer hide. is it because they can show their tru selves? or is it your still none the wiser and they contiue lying and have best of both worlds?

[Terrier]

Wow, I posted a new thread and then read this one. Really we are in the same situation except my WH has daily work contact with the OW.

 

I am doubting now my decision to stay with him. He has no patience for my bad days, resents my wanting to read e-mails and check his phone logs, and says I am crazy because I still worry about the OW.

 

I have spoken to three different marriage counselors who say that it is virtually impossible to heal a marriage when WH has continuing work contact with OW.

 

25 years.

 

Wow.

[1956peace]

Thought I would touch base again with all those that also have to deal with their spouses still working with the OW/OM.

It has been almost 18 months now, my husband is still being very good and not giving me any reason to doubt that the affair isn't over and that he is being loyal and protecting of the marriage now..........

It has taken me this long to get all my questions about the affair answered, I am one person that needs to know to be able to piece it all together to try to make some sense of it........

I really now can't think of any more questions.......It still hurts to deal with and but not as much anymore and I don't really stay in the worry stage for as long, I think I have changed now as well, I think if the affair resumed now I would be okay with or without him I know that is awful to say but I feel so much stronger now I know I would survive without him, I guess the shock that I felt in the beginning is over now and common sense and logic has taken over.

I think my husband has seen the damage he has created in the marriage, it is not the same, I don't feel the same anymore, I still don't trust him maybe I never will it now is a possibility where is wasn't before....

I still feel badly that he spends his work day where she is, he says he doesn't even think of the affair or her ever, he says he thinks about me all day long and he himself goes through his own torment knowing how he has changed us......and me........

when I really think about what happened I get angry and then the days I don't I feel grateful to have the marriage I have now..........

I really don't think you can have what you had before and the marriage vow really doesn't stand now..........

Life is different now and now I really don't feel I have to put up with anything anymore, I figure if either one of us is unhappy then it will be over.....

Sometimes I'm out of energy and sometimes I am energized by the relationship, that is what I call it now, can't seem to call it a marriage any longer, anyone else feel this way?

It just sucks to have to deal with this kind of thing and it sucks that life has to change for me because two people couldn't be good people and that selfishness is so much in the fore front.........

Adultery changes who we all are, it is a cruel selfish thing to do............

Let me know what has happened to everyone dealing with this same situation.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

Thought I would touch base again with all those that also have to deal with their spouses still working with the OW/OM.

It has been almost 18 months now, my husband is still being very good and not giving me any reason to doubt that the affair isn't over and that he is being loyal and protecting of the marriage now..........

It has taken me this long to get all my questions about the affair answered, I am one person that needs to know to be able to piece it all together to try to make some sense of it........

I really now can't think of any more questions.......It still hurts to deal with and but not as much anymore and I don't really stay in the worry stage for as long, I think I have changed now as well, I think if the affair resumed now I would be okay with or without him I know that is awful to say but I feel so much stronger now I know I would survive without him, I guess the shock that I felt in the beginning is over now and common sense and logic has taken over.

I think my husband has seen the damage he has created in the marriage, it is not the same, I don't feel the same anymore, I still don't trust him maybe I never will it now is a possibility where is wasn't before....

I still feel badly that he spends his work day where she is, he says he doesn't even think of the affair or her ever, he says he thinks about me all day long and he himself goes through his own torment knowing how he has changed us......and me........

when I really think about what happened I get angry and then the days I don't I feel grateful to have the marriage I have now..........

I really don't think you can have what you had before and the marriage vow really doesn't stand now..........

Life is different now and now I really don't feel I have to put up with anything anymore, I figure if either one of us is unhappy then it will be over.....

Sometimes I'm out of energy and sometimes I am energized by the relationship, that is what I call it now, can't seem to call it a marriage any longer, anyone else feel this way?

It just sucks to have to deal with this kind of thing and it sucks that life has to change for me because two people couldn't be good people and that selfishness is so much in the fore front.........

Adultery changes who we all are, it is a cruel selfish thing to do............

Let me know what has happened to everyone dealing with this same situation.

 

I'm 8 months out as a BS. My story is up here in this forum if you are interested (sorry it's long). There are a few things I find very helpful. For one, you are right infidelity changes who we are and it is a cruel, selfish, self centered even emotionally abusive thing to do to someone a person is supposedly in love with.

 

A few things I've done: I've gotten a part time job outside of the house, I'm going back to school, I've made my needs very clear and have been vocal about them and allowed him to make his needs very clear and vocalize them. I sit with him and talk seriously and frankly with him at least twice a week to touch base with all the big things and as the little things happen we talk right then and there and I am as brutally honest as I've demanded him to be.

 

I also found a female counselor who is pro reconciliation. I can't trust men because of what WH did to me so why get a counselor who is male if I can't trust a male at this point in my life. I know I'll never trust him fully ever again, that will never happen. I've forgiven but made it very clear I will never forget (there's a difference) and I've excepted that it just takes time.

 

He does things like call me if he's going to be late, tells me about his activities online (it was an online EA) and shows me. He showed me his NC letter to her and if she tries to make contact he knows to both tell and show me right away. He accepts that there is a keylogger on all the systems in the house, he is all for it to keep him accountable and very aware of it. He allows and encourages me to check all his online accounts too. In fact, has said "I want you to check them if that helps you heal I'm all for it" (that's verbatim).

 

He even tells me where he's going, who he is going with and how long he'll be and what he's doing offline! He has encouraged and supported me for doing things for myself, even said if you don't do for yourself I will drag you out and make you do for yourself (I hate spending money on me, we have a large family and a very tight budget).

 

The number one thing that helps me - every time a trigger comes up (a girl flirts with him online or offline when we play our online games like imvu, a girl takes a second glance at him offline in public, or just some weird reminder of it all) I repeat my mantra "detach, detach, detach. Logic instead of Emotion"

 

I run through the whole situation and break the trigger down into it's basics. Even verbalize it to him calmly and logically. It helps to verbalize it.

 

I write a journal too (and as you can see I can post posts that look like freaking novels - so sorry it's long). I can get everything out, no matter how raw it is. It's my personal journal that I can chose to share with him or not share with him, he accepts that I write this journal and normally don't chose to share but if I do, one rule is applied. Look at it objectively and with logic and if you can't react without emotion about what is written, sleep on it then come back to it.

 

Short of it:

 

Do things for you, pick up a hobby, go to the gym, go back to school for the sake of something to help keep you busy. Go to counselling, go out with your female friends, do for you. If his working in the same environment bothers you say so, verbalize it and the two of you can work together to find a solution to the problem, maybe both of you keep your eye out for a new job listing in the same industry but different company. He can discuss with is boss to get transferred too. He could take that initiative at work and should.

 

It really is about taking time to heal. I agree with another poster here on this thread - It won't be healed until it's ready to heal, not a nanosecond sooner or later.

[gettingoverit719]

I really feel for you. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Almost the same. You can heal and move on. It will be four years for me since D-day. Still even now I sometimes have my bad moments. You will never forget and it will always be with you. I think for me, I had to decide if this was something I could live with. I have a great husband who made the worst mistake of his life. My husband still works the same job, but he has no contact with the other woman. And, like you him getting another job was not an option. It's easy to say get another job, but he would never get a job making the kind of money he makes now. Sure money isn't everything, but it is a big deal. My advice is to just take one day at a time. You will always have hurt in your heart for what happened, but you can move past the hurt and be happy.

[foreal]

I am so sorry to hear this for you. I have not posted on here in a long time..my dday was April 09....I filed for divorce Jan 10...divorce was final April 11..........

 

my ex still works with OW, different area but same company....they are now together....he swore it was over...

 

I never could believe him or trust him again....what he did was a deal breaker..I knew it the second I found out...but I ignored my own Self.

 

it is really up to you...your intuition knows...The Affair shakes your guts and intuition..I was very afraid...we were married 22 years, he was my best friend. I lasted 10 months and told nobody but this forum what was going on...

 

 

But the first step for me in healing was getting my intuition back, believing in it and myself. Long road for sure, but looking back, as I said, the second I found out, no matter what he did or said or how wonderful he was, I knew my marriage was over.

 

You know in your heart if you can live with him and 'it'....I am not saying you have to make a decision or change or make a move etc..I am just saying acknowledge your inner Self...it is there, most likley buried in grief and pain, butit is there for sure...one way or another, you already know the best path for you (IMHO)