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Has anyone been able to talk someone out of being unfaithful?


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I was just curious to know if there are any cheaters that realize their destruction and were able to *turn* it into a learning experience, and have successfully been able to help turn an unfaithful friend to their BS?

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dont-be-naive
I was just curious to know if there are any cheaters that realize their destruction and were able to *turn* it into a learning experience, and have successfully been able to help turn an unfaithful friend to their BS?

 

whats the point? if they have already betrayed their BS, the BS would be better off without them. just my opinion.

 

and they are unfaithful because of the thrill of it. the desire for that thrill never goes away, whether the cheater decides to stop actively cheating or not. So again, whats the point. All the BS has is someone that stopped cheating, but would love to if they knew they wouldn't get caught.

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Sorry... I dont think my title was correct. think there are some people that think their marriage is miserable and are just out there "looking" for another relationship to jump into... They haven't yet physically cheated on their spouse... but are definitely looking for it.

 

I would like to have hope that those people that have realized their mistakes can help to save those that are teetering, like above. Maybe not, or maybe I'm the type of person that always tries to find a silver lining... but if I always look at the negative of everything, I'm afraid that I'll become an unhappy, sad person.

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Well...I'm not sure, but would be happy to see if someone will come along to post from their experience.

 

If it was my friend, and I knew what they were intending, I would definitely talk them out of it.

 

former BS here....

 

The devastation an affair causes the spouse, the family and oh so often the affair partner....is just not worth it. Better to try to fix the relationship and then walkaway if it is not fixable, then to put anyone through that pain, including the cheater!

 

What often happens is the potential cheater does not tell anyone how unhappy they are, including the spouse. Or, no one seeks counseling or avails themselves of all the tools out there to make a better marriage. They rarely talk to anyone about anything, except of how unhappy they are.

 

But I do not believe they wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I will cheat at my very next opportunity."

 

Curious....why the question? Is this your situation? Or someone close to you?

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Spark,

 

The question arose because I made the terrible mistake of cheating 2 years ago on my Husband of 5 years. I have used the experience to grow and learn from what I did wrong in the relationship, how I incorrectly dealt with some of the issues we had during our relationship, etc.

 

Anyway, I have joined an internet dating site just to chat with ppl .. maybe make some friends... definitely NOT wanting to date... but a married man started talking to me. I asked him what he was doing being on the site, when his wife is at home raising his 4 kids... he said he was looking for "flirty friends" and just wanted "some attention". It made me sick. I tried to tell him that he's making a mistake, the grass is NEVER greener on the other side.... to fertilize his own yard... etc and he pretty much didn't want to hear it. It made me break down in tears that people can be so selfish and heartless....

 

I guess I posted my question to find out if ANYONE has had any luck getting through to these people! Wanted to see a happy ending, I suppose.

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dont-be-naive
Spark,

 

The question arose because I made the terrible mistake of cheating 2 years ago on my Husband of 5 years. I have used the experience to grow and learn from what I did wrong in the relationship, how I incorrectly dealt with some of the issues we had during our relationship, etc.

 

well, that works for you, but what about him? he is now exiled to a life of being forever suspicious on some level, no matter how minute.

 

 

Anyway, I have joined an internet dating site just to chat with ppl .. maybe make some friends... definitely NOT wanting to date... but a married man started talking to me.

 

oh come on, you cheat, and join a dating site under the flimsy excuse of meeting friends? how stupid do you think we are? You do NOT join a dating site for that, and if I were your husband, I'd be asking you to pack your bags if I found out you joined a site like that after giving you a 2nd chance.

 

you want to meet friends? Create a facebook account, not sign up for a dating site.

 

 

I asked him what he was doing being on the site, when his wife is at home raising his 4 kids

 

question can be posed to you why you are on a dating site as a married woman, a cheating married woman.

 

 

It made me break down in tears that people can be so selfish and heartless....
:confused:

 

I guess I posted my question to find out if ANYONE has had any luck getting through to these people! Wanted to see a happy ending, I suppose.

 

well it looks like someone here needs to get through to you, as a cheater signing up on a dating site.

 

doesn't look like you have learned a thing from your cheating.

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Oh my goodness... dont-be-niave... so sorry... I'm not married. We are divorced. I cheated on my husband 2.5 years ago and we divorced due to it.

 

I honestly DO NOT want to date other ppl... I had a Facebook acct, but had to delete it b/c my ex-husband was my friend and was updating his relationship status that he's in a new relationship... it was painful. You raise good questions about why I would open an acct if I do not want to date, which is why after one day, I deactivated that acct too...

 

Believe me... I HAVE learned so much about my cheating.

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I understand what you are saying. You have undergone a painful experience and have suffered the loss of a marriage with your husband because of it and your husband has now moved on. My guess is that if you can talk someone out of cheating and destroying their marriage then what happened to you would not be a total waste. This is a way in part to redeem yourself and try to help others from following your path. I get it.

 

It seems you are very remorseful for your actions. I assume this was something that was just too painful for your husband to get over. Was marriage therapy attempted? I would like to ask you a question if you don't mind. When you engaged in your affair, do you realize that you were putting your marriage at great risk and that your husband would probably leave you or was this an exit affair on your part?

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We tried marriage therapy for 2 sessions, but I was very ambivalent toward our marriage. I was very confused and a complete IDIOT! He told me that he wanted to work on us, and I wanted to... but I kept talking to OM... continuing to hurt my H.

 

I never thought that he would give up on us... looking back now, I should have... who would ever put up with that kind of treatment?? It was definitely not an exit affair... I never wanted to lose him.

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We tried marriage therapy for 2 sessions, but I was very ambivalent toward our marriage. I was very confused and a complete IDIOT! He told me that he wanted to work on us, and I wanted to... but I kept talking to OM... continuing to hurt my H.

 

I never thought that he would give up on us... looking back now, I should have... who would ever put up with that kind of treatment?? It was definitely not an exit affair... I never wanted to lose him.

 

No you never thought he was going to stop putting up with your disrespect to the marriage by having your affair with OM. Honey, there's only so much a man can take. He's not at fault for giving up. You can't beat a dead horse.

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dreamingoftigers

I think the thread clearly states that SHE GETS IT! CHEATING BAD! KILLS MARRIAGE! NOT GOOD!

 

So now that she gets it, let's shame her some more? Makes perfect sense!:mad:

 

Now she is wondering if there is anyone out there that uses their experience to talk to other people so that they don't make the same mistakes. Are there any takers?

 

I did talk my neighbour out of doing sack time with a guy she had a crush on during a rough point in her marriage. A short time later she worked some things out with her husband and lost her feelings for the other guy. I am not saying I'm the hero of the day or anything but I did point out to her that it wasn't because K "was so great" it was because she felt like she was missing something with M. So if she went back to M and worked some of it out, she could avoid screwing up her whole family. She later said I was right. I am a BS.

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I have a friend is pretty hates women at this point and I talked him about of making a woman fall in love with him just so he can cheat on her break her heart. He wanted revenge for every woman that has hurt him but don't make an innocent person pay for it. If he wants to have fun though with women who are just as bad as he is then fine.

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dont-be-naive
Oh my goodness... dont-be-niave... so sorry... I'm not married. We are divorced. I cheated on my husband 2.5 years ago and we divorced due to it.

 

I honestly DO NOT want to date other ppl... I had a Facebook acct, but had to delete it b/c my ex-husband was my friend and was updating his relationship status that he's in a new relationship... it was painful. You raise good questions about why I would open an acct if I do not want to date, which is why after one day, I deactivated that acct too...

 

Believe me... I HAVE learned so much about my cheating.

 

ah, ok. thought you were still married and on a dating site.

 

you are gonna find all sorts of dumbass men and women on dating sites that are married looking for a side piece. any way you can rat the guy out to his wife?:cool:

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dont-be-naive
I think the thread clearly states that SHE GETS IT! CHEATING BAD! KILLS MARRIAGE! NOT GOOD!

 

So now that she gets it, let's shame her some more? Makes perfect sense!:mad:

 

I think the confusion came, at least for me, because the way she posted she made it sound like she was still married and signing up at a dating site.

 

she clarified this now

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I was just curious to know if there are any cheaters that realize their destruction and were able to *turn* it into a learning experience, and have successfully been able to help turn an unfaithful friend to their BS?

Yes, our MC successfully helped me navigate the unhealthiness of infidelity back to a healthy state and I recently was able to help steer a potential MW back to her H and they seem to be doing well. Had I not had MC, I wouldn't have had healthy boundaries nor would I have had the communication skills to clearly show her the potential paths open to her.

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ah, ok. thought you were still married and on a dating site.

 

you are gonna find all sorts of dumbass men and women on dating sites that are married looking for a side piece. any way you can rat the guy out to his wife?:cool:

 

Yeah, I tried to get enough information from him to do some research on my own. Problem was... he didn't want to talk to me after I started asking if his wife knew what he was doing... and telling him that the grass will NEVER be greener... he obviously didn't like reading what I was saying. It just made me sick.... I guess it hits too close to home right now....

 

Way to go carhill, woggle & dreamingoftigers! That is really great.

 

Distant... I know, there is only so much a man can take... and to be honest, I should never have *thought* that he should have had to take ANY of it! I have learned a very painful lesson.

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Do you still love your husband? If you could would you wish to be able to recover with him? If the answer is yes have you written a letter to him telling how remorseful you are?

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When a person has decided to cheat, they don't care about the consequences. Nobody can talk them out of it. I know from experience because I once tried to talk an XBF out of cheating when I suspected he was already doing it.

 

I wanted to sustain the relationship as there were other more benefitial things being attained on both sides. I gave him "permission" to have sex with other women or men (whatever he was into). I guess he was addicted to the thrill of cheating because even after I gave him permission, he insisted I was wrong and that he would NEVER have sex with anyone but me. He absolutely forbade me to have sex with anyone but him.

 

A few weeks later, I got a phone call from a woman who saw a text message from me in his phone. She wanted to know why I was texting "her man." That led to another discussion between me and him to which he finally admitted to cheating. However, he still didn't want us to have an open relationship. So it doesn't matter what you say to a cheater. They will do whatever they want.

 

I've also had friends who told me they were thinking about cheating. They always find a reason to justify cheating. You can't change them.

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dreamingoftigers
When a person has decided to cheat, they don't care about the consequences. Nobody can talk them out of it. I know from experience because I once tried to talk an XBF out of cheating when I suspected he was already doing it.

 

I wanted to sustain the relationship as there were other more benefitial things being attained on both sides. I gave him "permission" to have sex with other women or men (whatever he was into). I guess he was addicted to the thrill of cheating because even after I gave him permission, he insisted I was wrong and that he would NEVER have sex with anyone but me. He absolutely forbade me to have sex with anyone but him.

 

A few weeks later, I got a phone call from a woman who saw a text message from me in his phone. She wanted to know why I was texting "her man." That led to another discussion between me and him to which he finally admitted to cheating. However, he still didn't want us to have an open relationship. So it doesn't matter what you say to a cheater. They will do whatever they want.

 

I've also had friends who told me they were thinking about cheating. They always find a reason to justify cheating. You can't change them.

 

Change them? Probably not, but sometimes if a person is somewhat reasonable you can talk them out of doing something stupid, just like many other stupid things in life you can talk people out of.

 

I know that from personal experience. I also know that I couldn't talk my husband out of it. I had to tell him we were done first and make preparations to go. As far as I know that part of his life is done. At least for now.

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Change them? Probably not, but sometimes if a person is somewhat reasonable you can talk them out of doing something stupid, just like many other stupid things in life you can talk people out of.

 

I know that from personal experience. I also know that I couldn't talk my husband out of it. I had to tell him we were done first and make preparations to go. As far as I know that part of his life is done. At least for now.

Okay well keep in mind... A person who can be talked out of doing something, can also be talked into doing something. Ideally, you don't want a person to be talked out of cheating. You want them to decide for themselves not to do it. Talking won't help because as soon as you pursade them against it (and that pursuasion will only last for a period of time), someone else could come right along and pursade them to do it. The fact that the person needed to be "talked out" in the first place is proof that they WANT to do it, therefore nobody can stop them. Eventually they will do what that really want to do. This isn't like talking someone off a ledge, because a suicidal person will still find a way to go through with it if they've really decided to end their life. They'll just do it in a way that doesn't allow anyone to intervene.

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dreamingoftigers
Okay well keep in mind... A person who can be talked out of doing something, can also be talked into doing something. Ideally, you don't want a person to be talked out of cheating. You want them to decide for themselves not to do it. Talking won't help because as soon as you pursade them against it (and that pursuasion will only last for a period of time), someone else could come right along and pursade them to do it. The fact that the person needed to be "talked out" in the first place is proof that they WANT to do it, therefore nobody can stop them. Eventually they will do what that really want to do. This isn't like talking someone off a ledge, because a suicidal person will still find a way to go through with it if they've really decided to end their life. They'll just do it in a way that doesn't allow anyone to intervene.

 

Funny that you should mention that. I was suicidal off and on for years. Not that I attempted everyday or anything. But I did have a couple of times waking up going "no ****ing way, I am still here?" Some people along the way helped slow things down or prevent the attempts (and no I wasn't the type to call someone everytime I felt like offing myself and get them to stay on the phone with me for hours on each effectively wrecking Taco Night or whatever.) Sure I hated my life and hated myself.

 

I truly think that if the mental health professionals that were in charge of my care at the time did a better job of listening and assessing instead of just passing another case in and out I might have had more success sooner.

 

I ended up seeking different forms of therapy myself. I also ended up travelling homeless for two years and quite frankly not having to give a **** about anything saved my life more then constantly failing at life all of the time. After that EMDR and tons of reading about why my brain was the way it was have done wonders. (For instance, suicidal people undergoing spectral brain scanning have certain features of deep limbic injury that tends to last for 6 months after significant emotional trauma, knowing this helped me to stop blaming and shaming myself for having an abusive history (one of the factors) and a susceptible brain structure).

 

Now I am facing some of the toughest circumstances I have ever had to face. Guess what? I don't feel like killing myself, in fact it is a coping mechanism I haven't even thought of or considered. In fact, I want to live and see more and more of my daughter:love:, no matter how crumby things get. I used to wish I would get terminal Cancer and that everyone would crowd around me and let me know that they cared.:sick: Now I hope to God that I never get it and I desperately want to prevent it. The human brain is wonderfully healable. Sexual addicts can change a lot of the chemical reactions in their brains that they have become so heavily dependent on. It takes committment and hard work, but after you normalize, life is well, more normal.

 

If you can straighten out sexual addiction and suicide, then maybe being an immature cheating little jerk turning into a better person isn't that much of a stretch. They would just have to realize that it is a problem and that they do want to fix it. Some people never do any work on their character, some people alter their whole lives. It just depends on what you want out of life, what you realize about your life and the change you are actually capable of making.

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Spark,

 

The question arose because I made the terrible mistake of cheating 2 years ago on my Husband of 5 years. I have used the experience to grow and learn from what I did wrong in the relationship, how I incorrectly dealt with some of the issues we had during our relationship, etc.

 

Anyway, I have joined an internet dating site just to chat with ppl .. maybe make some friends... definitely NOT wanting to date... but a married man started talking to me. I asked him what he was doing being on the site, when his wife is at home raising his 4 kids... he said he was looking for "flirty friends" and just wanted "some attention". It made me sick. I tried to tell him that he's making a mistake, the grass is NEVER greener on the other side.... to fertilize his own yard... etc and he pretty much didn't want to hear it. It made me break down in tears that people can be so selfish and heartless....

 

I guess I posted my question to find out if ANYONE has had any luck getting through to these people! Wanted to see a happy ending, I suppose.

 

Deleted........

 

cya

Edited by cyabye
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