I feel like Im dying inside and I feel so alone!!!!

[Lachicauna]

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 yrs and we have been married for almost 7. We have 4 children. Before we got married I found out that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend when she called asking to speak to him about their baby on the way. He admitted to sleeping with her, but he assurred me that the baby was not his. I forgave him and we went on to get married 4 mos later. Three days after our 1 yr anniversary we found out that the baby, (who is 11 mos younger than our middle daughter and 4 mos older than our youngest daughter)was in fact his. It took me a long time to get over this because he would sneak around and lie when it cam to him dealing with the child because her mother didn't want her aound me and because he said he didn't want to see the hurt in my eyes that he saw whenever he brought the child up. After years of fighting about it he stood up to the childs mother and began being completely open and honest with me about anything that had to do with the child. I thought that he and I were doing great until last year when I found out that he had been texting some girl. He said he had just met her and that they were flirting back and forth but that when she tried to take it further he shut it down and he was no longer communicating with her.

 

A little over a month later I found out that she was in fact someone he had known for a while and that he was still dealing with her. My husband is a barber and he said he was just cutting her hair and there was no flirtng going on anymore he was just cutting her hair. He said that he wouldn't cut her hair anymore and he would cease any contact at all. The story is really long, but basically I found out that he was not only still cutting her hair, but he was having an actual relationship with her. I confronted both of them and they both said that I was crazy and insecure, that they were just cool and that they were no longer speaking. I went through hell for a year finding out thing after thing after thing that they both always denied. I found a prepaid phone he was using to communicate with her and he said it was about business. I caught her dropping him off and he said he just met her to get something one of their mutual friends had given her to give to him.

 

Finally I found emails to and from an email account I knew nothing about confirming what they had been denying for months. They were not only having sex, but they were in a relationship. He called her his baby!!!! I am completely in love with my husband so when he cried and apologized and said that he didn't want to lose his family I let him stay. I was in so much pain, but he wouldn't talk about it. He said that it was the past and that talking about it would not help me heal. Plus she said that she was done with it and they both vowed that they wouldn't speak to each other again.

 

I prayed real hard and worked real hard and things were going good. He wasn't giving me ay reason to think he was doing anything. I wasn't so sad anymore. I was beginning to feel ok again when she contacted me and told me that she wanted to see me face to face. She said that she got back with her ex and had just found out that he was cheating on her via some emails. I agreed to meet with her thinking that she just wanted to apologize face to face and answer any questions I had in order to give me some closure to the situation since he wouldn't talk about it. This is what she told me she wanted to do. When I met with her she said that she just had to let me know that although she had kept her word about no longer speaking to my husband, he had been trying repeatedly to talk to her and see her. She played me her voicemails, and gave me other proof to show that she was telling the truth. He was practically stalking her!!! I put him out and he was gone for 2 mos before he allowed himself to come back home saying that he felt that he couldn't show me he has changed not living at home. Now he is trying everything he can to show me that he is sorry. He does anything I need him to do and gives me anything I want. We are on the waiting list for marriage counseling, but I need help now!!!! I feel like I am dying. I find myself crying all of the time, angry, scared. I yell at my kids! I can barely eat, I hardly sleep. I am dying and I have nobody to talk to!!! HELP ME!!!!

[BB07]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like a very trying time for you.

 

I'm sure some of the wise posters here will be along soon and give you some good advice.

[TigerCub]

First of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry that you're so sad and feel so hopeless right now.

 

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 yrs and we have been married for almost 7. We have 4 children. Before we got married I found out that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend when she called asking to speak to him about their baby on the way. He admitted to sleeping with her, but he assurred me that the baby was not his. I forgave him and we went on to get married 4 mos later. Three days after our 1 yr anniversary we found out that the baby, (who is 11 mos younger than our middle daughter and 4 mos older than our youngest daughter)was in fact his. It took me a long time to get over this because he would sneak around and lie when it cam to him dealing with the child because her mother didn't want her aound me

Not only did he cheat on you and carry out the R with the baby's mom in secret, but he also chose her wishes over yours.

He chose to decieve you further just because she didn't want her kid around you?

I find that terrible. It's not like you were going to hurt the child.

Also, since this kid is a 1/2 sibling of your kids, was there never any intention on his part for them to one day know each other?

 

Finally I found emails to and from an email account I knew nothing about confirming what they had been denying for months. They were not only having sex, but they were in a relationship. He called her his baby!!!! I am completely in love with my husband so when he cried and apologized and said that he didn't want to lose his family I let him stay.

multiple affairs and years of deception aren't good indicators that he actually cares about his family.

so what? he doesn't want to lose his family, and he'd preffer to keep them and cause them so much pain?

 

I was in so much pain, but he wouldn't talk about it. He said that it was the past and that talking about it would not help me heal. Plus she said that she was done with it and they both vowed that they wouldn't speak to each other again.

I can only imagine the pain you felt and the damage that his actions have caused and for that I am truly sorry.

But I think just the fact that he doesn't want to talk about it with you, and he actually tells you that talking WILL NOT help you heal, is so incredibly selfish on his part.

You're the one that's giving him a chance, and I'd think that he should be more than willing to let you express your hurt, ask your questions, and get it all out of your system, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for him, but he's not even letting you express your feelings, or get your closure. He's telling you that he wont do it, and that there is no point for you to have a voice at all.

That's not what I would imagine a fWS that wants to work things out truly with wife to be doing.

 

He was practically stalking her!!! I put him out and he was gone for 2 mos before he allowed himself to come back home saying that he felt that he couldn't show me he has changed not living at home.

It shouldn't been an issue of him allowing himself to come home, he should have come home when YOU allowed him to come home.

He's the one in the wrong here, he's the one that's causing you and your kids so much pain.

 

Now he is trying everything he can to show me that he is sorry. He does anything I need him to do and gives me anything I want. We are on the waiting list for marriage counseling, but I need help now!!!! I feel like I am dying. I find myself crying all of the time, angry, scared. I yell at my kids! I can barely eat, I hardly sleep. I am dying and I have nobody to talk to!!! HELP ME!!!!

It's good that you guys are attempting to get some marraige counseling (hopefully the wait isn't too long)

In the meantime, since you feel so sad and angry, are there any friends or family that you can lean on for support?

 

The only thing I will say is that you need to control your anger around your kids, its not their fault their dad is a cheating whore, they don't deserve to get your anger taken out on them.

People stay together "for the kids" and that's all good and well, unless the environment they create for those kids is a crappy one where they are getting punished for the terrible actions of their parents.

 

Don't take that sh** out on your kids.

I understand your pain and your frustration, and all the hurt you're going through, but that's not their doing, that's your choice, to have married a guy that cheated on you BEFORE you even got married, fathered someone else's baby and continued his cheating charm after that.

 

That's not their fault.

[dreamingoftigers]

No matter how lonely, how desperate and how miserable you become.... DO NOT let this man back in the house UNTIL you have reached a decent point in MC. Wait for it. Make him wait. Do not indulge in his company. Grow stronger and healthier and heal yourself. You are no good to anyone unhealed. If you let him back in and you are not healed, you are simply giving him the OK to treat you however he wants. It will just look like "I cheat and then I sit in the penalty box for 2 months, I can live with that."

Cheaters tend to be either selfish scum or ultra-sensitive type who can't talk things out. It sounds like you married the former.

[ilovelife75]

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. No one deserves anything like this. Right now, you need some time to heal. And your husband needs to be the one to help you heal, since he is the one who has caused this pain.

 

Marriage counseling is a great idea, but only if he is truly remorseful and wants to save his marriage and keep his family. If he is not, this is just going to be another sham, another disguise to keep you and this lifestyle he has made for himself. No one can make him change but himself. And right now, he is not really having any consequences for his behavior. You said that you put him out, but that he allowed himself to come home? You get to make the choices. You are the one who did everything right. He might have made the choices before that have created the situation that you are in while keeping you in the dark and you having no control or say in the matter, but you have ALL the say right now.

 

And yes, I do understand. I have four children, too. I know about finances, breaking up a family, worrying about spending a lifetime alone, in pain, and without the man that I spent so many years of my life with...but those years were a lie for you. He had a whole different life than the one you thought he had with you and your family. You can make it on your own, even with four little ones.

 

You deserve to be happy in life, and if your husband is just going to continue to keep the wool over your eyes, he is not worth it. He is not worth your life, your joy, your children's mother. They deserve to see that their mother is happy and in a relationship that is healthy. Remember, you set the standard for their futures. What would you have them choose to do? What example are you going to set for them? What is acceptable and what is not acceptable for them?

 

He may be doing everything you ask right now, but will that really continue? Look back and ponder over the difference in him now as to other times when he has been caught and manipulated you into staying with him only for him to continue to cheat and lie when you got comfortable and thought things were going well between the two of you. Has he really changed? Does he tell you where he is all the time? Do you have access to his internet, cell phone, and everything else? Is he answering all of your questions? Is he being completely transparent?

 

Read as much as you can about affair recovery. There is a TON of support and good info out there.

[desertIslandCactus]

Your husband cannot be trusted at all.

 

During the whole marriage (and before).. he has Lied and cheated constantly .. He knows nothing but lying..

 

I know you love him, and obviously divorce has not been an option. So I all I can tell you is to not put any hope and trust in this man whatsoever .. Then - You won't be disappointed..

 

Live your life, care for your first priority: Your Children. Let the man support you.. Work toward being self-supporting .. and your children to get older.

 

Assuming you're not working with having your little children .. But take on-line classes or whatever it takes to achieve independence..

 

I'm sorry, but I think this man will not change, and will always let you down.

[seren]

Hi, In your post, what comes accross to me, is that you love and still love your husband. Yes he cheated and lied, but you still feel love for him. IMO, it is that feeling that you still love that can result in blinkers being put on. It can make us (general us) believe their apologies, believe everything they say and make us just feel so grateful that they have come to their senses and chosen us that we fail to really look at what planning and deception they have had to do, to keep the A or A's hidden. It can be easy to throw that under the carpet and pretend that it has all gone away and that life can begin again - doesn't happen that way.

 

I am of the belief that to work through an A, the whole dammed A has to be looked at for what it was, each and every detail sifted through in order to understand what it really was. Was it for love, lust, like or just because he could? Love blinds us, having children together distracts us. We can forget to ask ourselves, What do I want to happen? Because unless we can do this, we are just maintaining a status quo and at some point we can find ourselves asking ourselves what the hell am I doing here?

 

Finding out about an A our husband's have had is a killer, it twists your stomach, it is constantly at the front of all thoughts, it makes you question everything you held true and it makes you question yourself and your worth. That stops eventually, but only when you have truth. at some point a cold detached feeling creeps in and you are able to look at the A for what it was and what it means to you.

 

That your H is stalking the XOW is concerning (understatement) personally, I wouldn't have him in the house until he had IC and be able to say why he needs to do this - Is this the man you thought he was? If not, then what and why has it changed?

I am not going to say what he did was wrong - that is an absolute given, what he continues to do is wrong too, what I am going to ask is - What do you want? It can never just go back to what it was (do you even want that), can you forgive? What do you need him to do, can you tell him what you need and can you trust him to follow that through?

 

It is the still loving them that is the barrier to saying what you want and need. Please don't make excuses for him, blame yourself or ask what you could have done to prevent it happening -most of us have done this. A's require deceit, lies and planning, these are not the actions of a good, loving person and they are intended to enable people to have what they want, without someone else finding out - saying all that, they can be worked through, marriages can and do survive A's. If that is what you want. He sounds as though he has something missing in himself - he needs to find what that is, what motivates him to cheat and lie. He needs to do this before he can give himself wholly to someone - are you prepared to wait for this?

 

Take very good care

[Lachicauna]

Thank you to everyone for their reponse. I appreciate you all trying to help. I am going to continue to pray and follow the direction God gives me. The safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of God! I know that no matter what happens, the final outcome will be for my good. Thank you again, and God Bless you all!

[BB07]

Thank you to everyone for their reponse. I appreciate you all trying to help. I am going to continue to pray and follow the direction God gives me. The safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of God! I know that no matter what happens, the final outcome will be for my good. Thank you again, and God Bless you all!

 

Maybe God brought you here Lachicauna to hear some wise words and advice. God doesn't want you to let some man, (your husband) treat you so badly, so don't let the situation go on as it is. I say this from the viewpoint of the child I used to be and because I watched my mother allow my father to walk all over her. At the time she thought that she should stay married regardless because of her beliefs, but I can't begin to tell you of the damage it done to the child I used to be. Teach your children that you won't allow a man to treat you badly. It is better to be seen as a woman of strength and honor for herself instead of letting a man take that away from you.

 

Take care!

[desertIslandCactus]

Thank you to everyone for their reponse. I appreciate you all trying to help. I am going to continue to pray and follow the direction God gives me. The safest place in the whole wide world is in the will of God! I know that no matter what happens, the final outcome will be for my good. Thank you again, and God Bless you all!

 

Yes, follow God's direction .. And I appreciate your walk and faith in God.

 

It starts with us first. Live your life, and don't worry about the wait for counseling ..

 

I don't think counseling is the answer .. just a stall .. Infidelity isn't a sickness - just the result of answering the temptation from the devil.

 

Continue with enjoying your life and family .. and to know your husband isn't the answer either - but that God is.

[sammyd]

I'm very sorry to hear about your husbands' affair. I'm afraid it sounds like he will never change. You need to take control of your life now, for your own health, and your children's. I'm not religious, but if you have a belief, it may help you through this tough time.

All the best.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Yup, you gotta boost your self esteem somehow, show him you are independent...If you can, kick him to the curb, this will give him and you time to think clearly....

 

Everything is on your terms! Nothing is in his hands except to bow down to your every wish and demand!

 

He sees you as weak, insecure, easily preyed upon... If a spouse told me to stay away from someone else's spouse, I wouldn't hesitate to respect their wishes! We are losing morals fast in this country!

Cheating once can be forgiving, but doing it over and over is premeditated, and its sick... People like that are the reason our world is so messed up....

His heart has to change, and you cannot do that, only he can..