possesive,insicure

[timothy]

My wife recently asked for time apart. I am insicure and yell alot. I dont get physical but from yelling so much its brought down her self eastem. I love her very much and want to change. Im starting to go to church for counciling.We have been together 6 years and married 4. I never let her go anywhere and accusse her of cheating all the time.When she would not even begin to do so.I want to get over this insicureity problem. Please someone have some advice for me!

[midori]

I don't know if the person who counsels you through your church has any training in psychology,but I think it would be worthwhile for you to see someone who has such training. It can be done in conjunction with the spiritual counseling. But the internal problems you have should be dealt with in their own right, so if your church counselor doesn't have a background in psychology, please find someone who does. Try a community center or other free mental health resources if your insurance won't cover it.

[Tony T]

Yelling at somebody for no reason and accusing somebody of cheating all the time when you are certain they would never do such has absolutely nothing to do with insecurity. A rational person would know that needless yelling and making irrational accustations in the name of insecurity is only going to make the target all the more eager to leave. Once she is gone, it may be very difficult for her to want to come back and expose herself to the kind of behavior you have thrust upon her. No sane person on earth wants to be around that.

 

Take midori's advice and seek emergency counselling from a highly competent person trained in psychology. This behavior is so bizarre I'm wondering if you may have some neurological problems as well. In any case, my feeling is that this problem goes way back into your childhood and will take a good therapist and some very major work on your part to change.

 

It's just so weird to see somebody write out exactly what the problem is...and not be able to stop it on their own. All you have to do is cease yelling all the time and stop making these accusations of cheating, that's all. Are you powerless to modify those two behaviors on your own? Sorry for the question, I am just baffled.

[moimeme]

You know, Tony, there are many problems which can't be fixed by rational therapy (CBT or cognitive therapy, whatever you want to call it) and this gets right down to the issue that puzzles you:

 

Why, if we know what we are doing is wrong, do we still do it? The most popular theory is that there are subconscious issues at work which influence one more than does conscious realization. Hence therapy to uncover and deal with the underlying issues.

 

We are also finding out a lot about the role of the 'executive function' in the prefrontal cortex and frontal lobes. The bit of the brain that inhibits action is located there and that inhibitory response doesn't work all that well in some folks. This looks more and more like a neurobiology issue rather than solely a flaw of thinking though one might generate the other.

 

So your question is certainly valid but the answer is not all that easy. I doubt there's a single one of us who hasn't done something they knew they shouldn't do (eat the pizza you know will give you heartburn, for instance). I've become very interested in all this lately and I think the answer will eventually be found in evolutionary psychology.

 

Bottom line; a church counsellor may not have the skills to help you deal with this, Timothy so the advice to seek help from a licensed psychologist is excellent.