help fixing my marriage after my affairs

[jeff65]

I've put my wife through hell with my infidelities and now am sincerely sorry. I've seen the errors of my ways and need suggestions for rebuilding my marriage. If anyone out there has a really great marriage despite infidelity, please tell me how you did it.

 

I think it's possible- my wife says, "you can't have so much infidelity in your history and end up with a great marriage." I want so much to show her we can. She's committed to staying but sometimes I think she feels stuck. Kinda like she's being accepting because she has unconditional love-the "for better or for worse" thing, yet I know she hasn't totally forgiven me.

 

Help me out guys, I've been at this for 3 years. I've made some minor judgement errors, but am committed to recovering from my sex addiction and really love my wife-how do I convince her?

 

I admitt my errors, I let her vent, I try to be supportive, but I can't seem to get her to let her gaurd down and let me back in her heart.

 

It drives me crazy to know how much I've hurt her. Can time really heal this marriage-and what can I do to help the process out?

[aries]

How many affairs did you have, or better yet how many does she know about? One affair could be forgivable by a very loving and understanding person, but countless affairs is another story. If you can give a little more background to your situation it might help give insight on where she is coming from. Just from the hip, I would suggest that you suggest to her going to a marriage therapist, it is something you may feel is not necessary, but it may prove to her that you really want to make your marriage work. If she does not want to do that, then maybe you seeking personal help from a therapist to figure out why you had numerous affairs may also show to her that you are trying to change. It may also give you insight on why you felt you needed these affairs. I have also been in an affair and dealing with the betrayal is terrible. My husband never found out and that I am glad because I made some really bad decisions and I most surely would have lost him. I look back at the circumstances of my situation and I realize what caused me to do what I did, even though it was very wrong, I also had very strong feelings for the other man who was also married. I would never do it again. The only thing that puzzles me is why you had "numerous" affairs. It sounds like there is something definately wrong in the marriage or maybe there are some issues that you are not personally dealing with. Would you have continued your actions if you had not been caught? Have you been caught and then continued to have other affairs? Just curious.

 

Support Always,

Aries

[my_mother's_daughter]

I don't know too much about the ins and outs (I'm SO sorry.. )of sex addiction, but I'm curious... Is "having a sex addiction" sometimes used by unscrupulous people looking to blame an affair on anything but their bad behaviour? I'm not attacking you directly, I just wondered if you might suspect that it happens....

 

[my_mother's_daughter]

I admitt my errors, I let her vent, I try to be supportive, but I can't seem to get her to let her gaurd down and let me back in her heart.

 

Sorry, but I'm afraid she may not actually be able to ever fully trust you again. You've scorched her and she possibly could never let her heart open (read vulnerable to mistreatment) ever again. Sometimes people just don't want to put themselves through the heartache of taking the risk. Maybe in time it will get better, but there's no guarantee that it will ever be the same again.

[jeff65]

First off, in no way is having a sex addiction a "way off the hook". It helps explain why I am what I am, but is does nothing to absolve me from fault. I did what I did - I was wrong. I do not get a gold star because I couldn't help myself. I have a pre-determined personality that puts me in bad situations (of my own doing), but I am still 100% responsible for my actions.

 

Affairs - 2. First was stupid and short. Second was longer and even stupidier. Is there any extra marital affair that's smart? Factor in innapropriate conversations with women, cybering and you get nothing I am proud of. We have done (and are doing) the marriage therapy thing. She has also gone to a therapist of her own. I guess the biggest issue is the point of just being stuck. I have always described it as treading water. All we do is tread water. Some days better than others. But it never feels, IMO, that we make any attempt to move some direction and find land. We just keep treading water, and the same broken record plays over and over. And I am just as guilty as her of keeping my record player running.

 

The last affair ended, when she found out, almost 3 years ago. Feels like yesterday some days. I know that the pain has to be less on her than 3 years ago. Time heals all wounds (somewhat). I guess it's the point of 3 years straight of hearing it over and over and over that makes it seem to me that she feels as crappy as the first day. And makes me question what the hell I'm NOT doing that doesn't give her the strength, knowledge, confidense to move forward. I would be a fool to expect it all to go away. I'm not that stupid....... Um......yeah. I can't fight the knawing feeling that I should be doing more. I don't think I am the all powerful great master repairman, but I think and feel that there is something I am failing. Almost like the perfect phrase would get us going in the right direction. But it eludes me.

 

Complete trust - I know that won't ever return. That is the legacy I live with. My bed that I made. Ummm....maybe that was the wrong analogy. I just want to move forward in this relationship. There is still much rebuilding to be done. Some people have told me "How do you put up with it all the time?". Ya know - I don't know. God's strength. Stubborness. Bigger stupidity. All or a combo of them and more. I go back to a simple question I asked myself - You married her for a reason. Why? Now half of me wants that answer, for it could unlock the doors that have held me back. The other half doesn't want to know. The moment I know is the moment I could potentially find excuses to screw up the marriage more.

 

 

Ain't life grand.

[aries]

Well it sounds like she does have plenty of reason not to trust you. I will tell you this my husband (we dated for 7yrs, have been married for 4yrs) never gave me any reason to ever think he had cheated and I never thought of cheating on him. There were two occasions in our marriage that I felt he had cheated on me, I never had proof but I had a strong gut feeling and things just did'nt add up in either situation. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I will probably never know what happened but something died inside of me after that. I guess I was naive and just did'nt think things like that happened or would to me. The whole idea of him being with someone else, whether a one night stand or an actual affair made me sick to my stomach. I was so crazed after that I checked everything he did, cell phone, bank receipts, did not want him to do anything without me. I was very, very, insecure. I also drove him crazy by being so insecure. WE had a real hard time for awhile, I felt like we were just going through the motions with nothing behind it.

 

After all of this we grew apart, he started working more and I was alone and then I found out that an old love was asking about me. We ended up getting together and as I said before I had

an affair. It ended because we felt we were very wrong in what we were doing. All of this happened or at least led up to this because of the trust that I feel was broken in the marriage. Things have become better but I do not think they will ever be the same.

 

You broke her heart and she knows for sure that these things happened, I did not know for sure and I know how it drove me crazy, I can only imagine how she feels. I do not think there is any phrase that is going to fix this. She's a real trooper for sticking through this like she has. Actions speak louder than words and it sounds like you are trying but just are frustrated that she has not come around yet. To be honest I think betrayal like this could take years to fix. It also sounds like you are both seeking outside help to resolve this. I have read other sites were people do get through affairs and some don't. It sounds like you both have a long way to go.

 

If you truly love her be patient and let her work things out in her own way, this would not have happened if you would not have done what you did, so you owe her that. If you both are completely miserable and the therapy does not work then it may be to late, I hate to say. Search around on the internet by putting in "Why spouses cheat"or something along those lines and there are a lot of sites that have encouragement for couples trying to survive after an affair. Maybe you can find more encouragement or support there, or even advice.

 

Imagine her being in an affair and try to put yourself in her shoes. I think men can get over things better than women because you are not as emotional, but none the less, I am sure you would be crushed and hurt. I hope some of this advice or insight has helped. These situations are very complicated and there usually isn't just one answer to the problem.

 

Support Always,

Aries

[MaggieMay]

Take my advice Jeff, when you've been the one hurt and betrayed by the affair, it is VERY hard to get over it. Don't you think she would like to get her life together and be happy again too? Do you think she consciously sits there and plans her day to be miserable? This is what betrayal and deception do to a person's mind. My boyfriend cheated on me and I was so unsuspecting that it just shattered me. I have been trying to "get over this" but I can't seem to shake it either. I've read enough on infidelity to see that many times it takes years for the one who's been betrayed to move on. One wants to be happy, as I do, but I am scared if I get too happy and comfortable again, my world will come crashing down again. I've tried to make sense of it all. You must have been happy together for you to want to hold onto your marriage. We were happy...or so I thought.

 

In the meantime my boyfriend and I got married (after being together for 2 1/2 yrs) without my knowledge of him having cheated on me. I would assume the reasoning behind why I dwell on his cheating may be I don't want him to forget how much he hurt me. I'm scared we'll get back into the routine of life and then he'll feel "well she's gotten over it" so then he'll mess up again. There's still that disbelief in my mind. I can't believe he would do that. He didn't seem the type at all! My husband told me that in his first marriage, he found a note his wife was writing to some guy, she had a secret savings account, and she didn't want nothing to do with him sexually for 1 1/2 yrs, but that he was faithful and couldn't cheat on her...then when we were dating, I was so good to him and we got along great, laughed alot, did things together and he knows I was faithful, but yet he cheats on me. I don't get it! He keeps reassuring me he will never do it again. I've looked him in the eye and said, "Don't you honestly think I would love to believe you." I do want to believe him but you know my head keeps reminding me of the hurt he's caused and then I find myself building that wall and lashing out at him again.

 

Aries said...

If you truly love her be patient and let her work things out in her own way, this would not have happened if you would not have done what you did, so you owe her that.

 

That's true Aries - she wouldn't be feeling and acting as she is if he hadn't done what he did. My husband keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay with me but I've asked him why? I've even told him I'm not the happy person that I used to be before all this. It's almost like now that he's broken my heart and turned me into a person I wouldn't even want to be around, why would he want to stay? I guess because he knows he's the cause of my unhappiness.

[maskee28]

I don't know if there is any way to repair a marriage that has suffered two affairs - and the spouse who was cheated on knows about them both.

 

Help me out guys, I've been at this for 3 years. I've made some minor judgement errors, but am committed to recovering from my sex addiction and really love my wife-how do I convince her?

 

What are these "minor judgement errors" that you've been making whilst supposedly trying to rebuild trust in your marriage? Has more been happening even AFTER the two "stupid" affairs?

 

If it were me, I don't think I could ever remain happily married to a man who had had two affairs (as well as some minor judgement errors). I wouldn’t be able to respect myself for staying with a man who had so deeply hurt and betrayed me.

[jeff65]

Thanks for those of you who offered advice that I came here seeking. I appreciate your honesty. I know my actions were wrong and understand myself and what marriage is really about. My wife isn't always my biggest fan. I clearly know and understand why. But sometimes she puts it all aside and loves me anyway and for that I am greatful. What more do I really deserve?

[IRULE]

you need to kiss her ass, and keep kissing it i know how she feels and shame on you for being so selfish. so why did you do it

[jeff65]

Because I was a selfish SOB-I've lost someone's love, trust and respect by being so selfish. I made her feel dispensable and I'd give anything to go back and make mature and healthy choices of working through the differences and not running around, sneaking and coniving behind her back.

 

If anyone is thinking about or in an affair-think again cause everyone loses in the end...the thrills of lustful sex don't even come close to the bennefits of sex in a loving relationship. Not worth the risk of losing the true love your spouse. I speak what I've learned the stupid way.

 

Maybe it is too late for me-but I hope someone else reads this and chooses to seek maarriage counseling instead of losing themselves in the false feeling built in affairs.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

If both of you are really willing to work at saving your marriage, than your marriage can be saved, and things can turn out for the better, but it will take alot of time and patience. The worst thing you could ever do is demand that someone forgives you just because you feel bad for what you did, and you want someone to ease that guilt by letting you know "everything's going to be okay." Let her be upset, let her be angry, and let her cry if she still does. And if you feel bad when she does, you should, because you have to face the consequences of what you've done. Adultery is a selfish thing because we don't think about the ramifications of our actions. So here are a few tips:

 

1. Allow time for your mate to heal

2. Put yourself in her shoes. Really allow yourself to think about how you would feel if your wife was out there cheating on you. Don't feel that just because she's your wife, she wouldn't do anything like that. She could very well have, or thought about it. It's not impossible for her to do at this point.

2. Don't demand that she forgives you, because she doesn't have to. So her forgiving you is actually a gift to you.

3. Don't just apologize for hurting her, apologize for the adulterous acts. If you just apologize for hurting her, you make it out to seem like the only reason you feel bad about committing adultery was because you hurt her feelings in the end, when really you should feel bad about being disloyal and unfaithful.

4. Let her know why you committed adultery. Admit that you have a problem. And don't blame it on having a sex addiction because if you do she won't have any reason to build faith or trust in you if she knows that an "addiction" could lead you back out there. There is always a reason why a person becomes addicted to something, and that something is what lead you to commit adultery. If you don't know what it is, then nothing will prevent you from doing it again. Y have to find out what it is. You may have to go to an addiction's program or read some books on the matter. If you do this, this will show that you are really concern about the your problem and you really want to change it. Don't just say you want to change and don't make any steps toward finding out about your addiction.

5. Ask your wife what could you do to win back her heart. Don't mention anything about trust, because that will come in time.

6. This may seem like you're on house arrest, but you may have to account for all of your time. If you leave work at 5 and come home at 7 and don't tell her why, that's going to lead her to think you're out there cheating. For instance, if you're going to be late, call and give her a number by which she can reach you. This can help her develop her trust in you again.

7. Romance your wife. Start small. If you cook, cook her a meal, arrange to go out on a date with her, talk with her frequently.

 

This is all I can think of, but there are plenty of books on the market that can help you in this regard. If you really are concern about this matter, take the necessary steps in order to work things out.

[jeff65]

Thank you KD!

Just the kind of step by step direction a stupid guy like me needs. You mentioned plenty of books-most are written from either a psychologists point of view or for the person who has been hurt by an affair Do you know of any written from an adulterer's viewpoint? Just curious.

Thanks again.

[Clancy]

Jeff, I've just read your postings. I think I understand how you feel and can appreciate that you are not having an easy time of it. Nonetheless, I think you are being unrealistic to expect your wife to be over your infidelity because it's now three years. The heart doesn't keep calendars. The pain is there, it is real, and it still pains. This causes her attitude toward you.

 

My wife cheated on me ten years ago. I can't recall too well how I felt three years in to it but I do know that now, I've pretty much let go of it although there are still days when I feel a twinge of anger as well as a sadness for what we both lost. Our marraige was fractured back then and although we are still together and I have to say I love her it has never been the same for either of us. Keep in mind that it is very likely that before your wife found out about your cheating she was pschologically, emotionally, and spiritually bonded to you. Your cheating ripped those bonds from her psyche in one horrendously hurtful moment. Three years doesn't make that kind of wound nice-nice again.

 

There's more to my story than what I've provided but this is about you. I wish you luck but if you love your wife, and I believe you do, then prepare yourself for the long haul. Don't expect to get back what's lost. Build something new from the ruins.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

2 publications that have gotten great reviews are:

 

After the Affair: Overcoming the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahams Spring with Michael Spring

 

Affairs: A Guide to Wroking Through the Repercussions of Infidelity by Emily M. Brown