Wife feels no remorse for affair. Why?

[caribou]

After I confronted my wife, she admitted to having an affair but also said she felt no remorse or regret. She told me she no longer loved me and therefore she no longer felt any need to be faithful to me.

 

I am having trouble with this. Wouldn't a normal person feel immense guilt, shame, remorse and regret over having an affair? If you fall out of love with someone, why not say so and just end the relationship?

[Art_Critic]

I'm guessing there is an element that you are forgetting...

 

She fell out of love with you why ?..

 

She is angry at you for letting that happen so she is not feeling any guilt as she feels you ruined the marriage..

 

JMO from the little you have posted but it rung a bell in my head..

[2sunny]

After I confronted my wife, she admitted to having an affair but also said she felt no remorse or regret. She told me she no longer loved me and therefore she no longer felt any need to be faithful to me.

 

I am having trouble with this. Wouldn't a normal person feel immense guilt, shame, remorse and regret over having an affair? If you fall out of love with someone, why not say so and just end the relationship?

 

you are having trouble with this and she is not. hmmmm

 

maybe she's narcissistic

maybe she's just plain selfish

maybe she has no conscience

maybe she was raised differently than you

 

either way - don't waste your time and energy on her at this point... start taking care of you by doing things and being with people that make YOU happy.

[Woggle]

Because she has made you the enemy and blames you for everything. It is typical of walkway wives who cheat.

[caribou]

Because she has made you the enemy and blames you for everything. It is typical of walkway wives who cheat.

 

We are divorcing obviously but still communicate from time to time. During those talks, she incessantly attacks me and blames for things and seems incredibly irrational. It's just totally bizarre. Like an entirely different person than the one to whom I thought I was married.

[Woggle]

We are divorcing obviously but still communicate from time to time. During those talks, she incessantly attacks me and blames for things and seems incredibly irrational. It's just totally bizarre. Like an entirely different person than the one to whom I thought I was married.

 

Sounds like a walkaway wife to me. They blame everybody but themselves.

[bentnotbroken]

Immature, arrogant, selfish, disrespectful...a number of reasons could explain it. To me it all boils down to responsibility and self regulation. If you want out, be an adult and leave don't cheat. Sounds like she needs a boot on her behind (not literally, but a can of verbal whoop azz) will let her know you won't accept her mess any longer...divorce or not.

[marilyn80]

Expose her affair to EVERYONE she respect, socially and professionally. Then, we'll see whether or not she feels shame.

 

I don't think it would be shame for her. It would be embarrassment. If she's not ashamed in front of her own H, she certaintly wouldn't be in front of others. She could just blame him and play the innocent victim in front of others.

[Woggle]

I don't think it would be shame for her. It would be embarrassment. If she's not ashamed in front of her own H, she certaintly wouldn't be in front of others. She could just blame him and play the innocent victim in front of others.

 

True. My advice would be to get a pitbull lawyer and play as dirty as possible with her in the divorce.

[luname84]

as a former cheater i can give my point of view, but take in mind that it is only my own.

 

My boyfriend stopped contributing to the relationship. Even though he was physically there, i felt emotionally abandoned. We were a couple but i felt very alone. So at first i didn't intend to cheat, i just loved the attention, the flirting, the fact that someone found me attractive again and wanted to dedicate their time and effort to me. Before it escalated, i spoke to my boyfriend about how i felt abandoned by him, he said he'd change, but he didn't. So one night i gave in...and then i gave in for several nights after that. Everytime my boyfriend made me angry or would ignore me, i would turn to my "on-the-side boyfriend". At first i was full of guilt. But by the end of it i wasn't the least bit sorry. why? because i felt that he disconected from the relationship first, he hurt me, he left me even after i gave him everything and so this was kindda my revenge.

needless to say we broke up. And i am currenty in a serious relationship with my former "on-the-side" boyfriend.

In retrospect, is should have just broken up with the guy.But when you have invested so much into a relationship that's not as easy as you'd think.

I'm not saying you deserved her cheating, i know now how wrong i was to do it and i will never do it again. But think back to your relationship, did she ask you change? did she talk to you about things that made her unhappy? did you remember to show her how much you loved her? did you dedicate time to her? how often would you have sex? when was the last time you gave her flowers,took her on a date or told her how beautiful she was?

maybe she felt you abandoned her emotionally first, so it was no big deal for her to abandon you physically.

I'm not trying to make you into the bad guy, what she did was wrong PERIOD! there is no question about it. but asked for an opinion as to why she did it, and i am giving you mine. I sorry for what happed to you, I hope things turn out alright...

[caribou]

as a former cheater i can give my point of view, but take in mind that it is only my own.

 

My boyfriend stopped contributing to the relationship. Even though he was physically there, i felt emotionally abandoned. We were a couple but i felt very alone. So at first i didn't intend to cheat, i just loved the attention, the flirting, the fact that someone found me attractive again and wanted to dedicate their time and effort to me. Before it escalated, i spoke to my boyfriend about how i felt abandoned by him, he said he'd change, but he didn't. So one night i gave in...and then i gave in for several nights after that. Everytime my boyfriend made me angry or would ignore me, i would turn to my "on-the-side boyfriend". At first i was full of guilt. But by the end of it i wasn't the least bit sorry. why? because i felt that he disconected from the relationship first, he hurt me, he left me even after i gave him everything and so this was kindda my revenge.

needless to say we broke up. And i am currenty in a serious relationship with my former "on-the-side" boyfriend.

In retrospect, is should have just broken up with the guy.But when you have invested so much into a relationship that's not as easy as you'd think.

I'm not saying you deserved her cheating, i know now how wrong i was to do it and i will never do it again. But think back to your relationship, did she ask you change? did she talk to you about things that made her unhappy? did you remember to show her how much you loved her? did you dedicate time to her? how often would you have sex? when was the last time you gave her flowers,took her on a date or told her how beautiful she was?

maybe she felt you abandoned her emotionally first, so it was no big deal for her to abandon you physically.

I'm not trying to make you into the bad guy, what she did was wrong PERIOD! there is no question about it. but asked for an opinion as to why she did it, and i am giving you mine. I sorry for what happed to you, I hope things turn out alright...

 

Thanks, this is really helpful.

[whichwayisup]

After I confronted my wife, she admitted to having an affair but also said she felt no remorse or regret. She told me she no longer loved me and therefore she no longer felt any need to be faithful to me.

 

I am having trouble with this. Wouldn't a normal person feel immense guilt, shame, remorse and regret over having an affair? If you fall out of love with someone, why not say so and just end the relationship?

 

Because she stopped caring. She put herself first, detached from you and was selfish.

 

She SHOULD have ended the M before going off and cheating. That sounds like she was enjoying the benefits of being married (house, kids, finances, comfort level, keeping HER life as it is, all the meanwhile) and doing whatever she pleased behind your back.

[whichwayisup]

We are divorcing obviously but still communicate from time to time. During those talks, she incessantly attacks me and blames for things and seems incredibly irrational. It's just totally bizarre. Like an entirely different person than the one to whom I thought I was married.

 

Do you two have kids together? If not, walk away completely. You don't need her or any of her crap in your life.

 

If you do have kids together, then keep conversations JUST about the kids. Nothing else. Every single time she tries to open her mouth and blame you, just walk away or say goodbye if you're on the phone. You don't need to hear her dribble.

[You Go Girl]

There's two types of women that have affairs that feel no remorse.

 

One feels abandoned by her H, and that he has already ruined the relationship, and she is in pain.

The other type feels the same as cheating men-- a sense of entitlement, selfishness, etc.

Which one is your wife?

[Krytie TV]

My guess is that she has little respect for you.

[ADF]

Anyone capable of carrying on a clandestine affair right under their spouse's nose is, by definition, an expert liar. Not only did your wife need to manage the logistics of keeping her affair secret, she had to do so while smiling. In other words, she couldn't show you any signs of guilt or stress that could give her away. People who have affairs are not generally people who have much of a conscience. If they did, they would either not have affairs or not be able to manage them successfully.

[carhill]

OP, the gist of what I've gotten from your past threads is that you like (or feel compelled) to examine things, to put them in order, to assign meaning. To solve them, like a math problem.

 

If so, that's really cool from an analytical standpoint, but be realistic about its efficacy in the world of emotional relationships.

 

Like I said in a prior thread, who cares? Get moving. Every day you waste is a day she's built a stronger social, societal, and psychological case against you. Society statutorily prohibits you from using your strengths to right wrongs, but allows her to use hers. Every minute you waste weakens your case. She's already, long ago, rallied people to her side against the 'loser' you are (her perspective) and everyone believes her. Fugetabout fighting that battle. Hammer her in court, disconnect and move on. Care *less*. That's the only way you will not lose more. No one wins here... *no one*. Good luck

[caribou]

Do you two have kids together? If not, walk away completely. You don't need her or any of her crap in your life.

 

If you do have kids together, then keep conversations JUST about the kids. Nothing else. Every single time she tries to open her mouth and blame you, just walk away or say goodbye if you're on the phone. You don't need to hear her dribble.

 

No kids. I already moved out (but am paying her rent). She said we could still be friends.

[caribou]

OP, the gist of what I've gotten from your past threads is that you like (or feel compelled) to examine things, to put them in order, to assign meaning. To solve them, like a math problem.

 

If so, that's really cool from an analytical standpoint, but be realistic about its efficacy in the world of emotional relationships.

 

Like I said in a prior thread, who cares? Get moving. Every day you waste is a day she's built a stronger social, societal, and psychological case against you. Society statutorily prohibits you from using your strengths to right wrongs, but allows her to use hers. Every minute you waste weakens your case. She's already, long ago, rallied people to her side against the 'loser' you are (her perspective) and everyone believes her. Fugetabout fighting that battle. Hammer her in court, disconnect and move on. Care *less*. That's the only way you will not lose more. No one wins here... *no one*. Good luck

 

Thanks man.

[Darth Vader]

No kids. I already moved out (but am paying her rent). She said we could still be friends.

 

 

Stop paying for her affair! Stop paying for anything that's HERS! Stop paying her rent!

[Darth Vader]

Stop paying for her affair! Stop paying for anything that's HERS! Stop paying her rent!

 

 

BTW, she should leave, not you! She's the one who cheated, so why are you the one to leave? Kick her ASS out!

[caribou]

BTW, she should leave, not you! She's the one who cheated, so why are you the one to leave? Kick her ASS out!

 

I don't want to live in that apartment anymore. It would just remind me of her.

[whichwayisup]

No kids. I already moved out (but am paying her rent). She said we could still be friends.

 

How sweet of her. She wants to be friends and you pay her rent. How long will you be paying her rent?

 

I suggest no friendship, there's no point. This woman has treated you so bad! It'll be a one sided friendship. She 'needs' you, or something, she'll call. You can be her friend but she won't be yours..

[You Go Girl]

Isn't her name on the lease too? Then you aren't the only one responsible for that rent, she is too. If she can afford to pay it, let her pay it herself. Tell her you can't afford it.

She's willing to be friends?

You say that AS IF she is being generous or something.

She's not!

[asia2269]

Everyone deserves to be happy. I know it's easier said than done. I have been cheated on 3 times the worst was the last one...Take your time and better yourself....You will find a woman who truly loves you and wont cheat on you...