Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity?

[confusedinkansas]

Not sure if this belongs in Marriage or Infidelity.

I just read this on Yahoo & found it extremely interesting....... For those that believe marriages NEVER survive infidelity..........

 

Can a marriage survive betrayal?

Yes. It takes time and work, but experts are pretty unanimous on this one. In her book The Monogamy Myth, Peggy Vaughan estimates that 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives will have an affair at some point in their marriages. That's no advertisement for straying -- but the news is good for couples hoping to recover from devastating breaches of trust. The offended partner needs to make the choice to forgive -- and learn to live with a memory that can't simply be erased. Infidelity is never forgotten, but it can gradually fade into the murky background of a strong, mature marriage.

 

:)I just found this interesting......Thoughts?

[dprtman09]

My wife and I are living proof that it can! We still talk about it 2 years later, but the conversation is casual and just a way for us to get rid of any left over emotional baggage. We even joke about it from time to time. Don't get the impression that it isn't a serious issue, but it is a past issue. She may never really be able to explain completely why she did it. I will never forget being betrayed and I sometimes still have small pangs of anxiety over the past. However, the pangs are more manageable than before and I can talk about them if I wish.

 

We now have a much better idea of the value of our relationship as a living entity. We control it, it does not control us.

 

I won't go into the long details of how it got that way, but it shows that we survived.

[dprtman09]

I find it so funny that there are relationship experts, if they are so expert on relationships then they should have all the answers and those answers should prevent these affairs and broken hearts. I choose to call and expert a BS artist. I bet if that so called expert were in and affair that they would have no clue what to do and their life would be a mess just like the other poor smucks out there.

 

 

I am an expert. I lived it. It can be done.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I bet if that so called expert were in and affair that they would have no clue what to do and their life would be a mess just like the other poor smucks out there.

 

This implies that the affair was thrust on them. That they didn't chose that road to begin with. If someone chooses to improve their life situation and to do so with their betrayed spouse and is convicted about it, then it does have the potential to work. If the cheating partner is still spinning their wheels and doesn't know what they want, then HECK NO, its not going to work. Where ever you go, there you are.

[bentnotbroken]

No! I don't believe a marriage can survive infidelity. I think that cheating kills an already ailing marriage.........BUT........ I do believe that those couples who choose to, who desire to and who give 110% of themselves can build a new marriage using the lessons learned from the broken marriage. I think that a relationship built on truth,faith, honor, respect, integrity and dignity can grow from the devastation of an affair. I think that the communication that comes from the affair can be transferred into communicating about all aspects of marriage. What better way for something to grow than from the manure of the old marriage?

 

I think when 2 people decide to fight together for a new relationship they become a formidable force. A force that has to be strong enough to rebuild trust and weak enough to lean only on each other. They have to be strong enough to withstand the outside forces(AP, family, stereotypes)internal forces(anger, resentment, flashbacks, residual feelings), yet weak enough to walk in the others shoes. They have to be strong enough to fight for years, yet weak enough to use the word "I" more than the word "YOU". They have to be strong enough to build and honor new boundaries together yet weak enough to know your true "strength" is in the bond of the two of you.

 

So no I don't think marriages can survive cheating. But God is good all the time and nothing is impossible...including new beginnings.

[confusedinkansas]

My wife and I are living proof that it can! We still talk about it 2 years later, but the conversation is casual and just a way for us to get rid of any left over emotional baggage. We even joke about it from time to time. Don't get the impression that it isn't a serious issue, but it is a past issue. She may never really be able to explain completely why she did it. I will never forget being betrayed and I sometimes still have small pangs of anxiety over the past. However, the pangs are more manageable than before and I can talk about them if I wish.

 

We now have a much better idea of the value of our relationship as a living entity. We control it, it does not control us.

 

I won't go into the long details of how it got that way, but it shows that we survived.

 

This is EXACTLY how my husband & I are. Makes me feel good that other people can put something such as this in The Past....& make their marriages better.

Thank you for posting this.

My husband & I just came to the realization that our marriage was worth EVERYTHING. And, to chuck it after so many years would be pointless. However, I think what helped us get "Past" this was that we, deep down, still loved each other.

[Dexter Morgan]

depends on what someone's definition of surviving would be with regards to infidelity.

 

I'm sure I could have stayed with my wife for the sake of the kids, and I have no doubt over time her betrayal simply wouldn't enter my mind on a daily basis. But I would think about it from time to time and I'd have to wonder if I am wasting my life away.

 

If that is surviving, then anything is possible.

[reboot]

That's not the definition most of us would use.

[Star727]

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to know alot. I used to be secure in my marriage. I used to think and feel that I was the only woman in his life.

 

I just don't know if we can survive this.

I don't know if I can forgive him.

I don't know when the anger will go away, if ever.

I don't know if I love him enough anymore.

I don't know if I can ever trust him.

 

I don't know shyt.

[Dexter Morgan]

That's not the definition most of us would use.

 

I suppose even if a shark bites off both arms and legs, one could survive.

[PhoenixRise]

No! I don't believe a marriage can survive infidelity. I think that cheating kills an already ailing marriage.........BUT........ I do believe that those couples who choose to, who desire to and who give 110% of themselves can build a new marriage using the lessons learned from the broken marriage. I think that a relationship built on truth,faith, honor, respect, integrity and dignity can grow from the devastation of an affair. I think that the communication that comes from the affair can be transferred into communicating about all aspects of marriage. What better way for something to grow than from the manure of the old marriage?

 

I think when 2 people decide to fight together for a new relationship they become a formidable force. A force that has to be strong enough to rebuild trust and weak enough to lean only on each other. They have to be strong enough to withstand the outside forces(AP, family, stereotypes)internal forces(anger, resentment, flashbacks, residual feelings), yet weak enough to walk in the others shoes. They have to be strong enough to fight for years, yet weak enough to use the word "I" more than the word "YOU". They have to be strong enough to build and honor new boundaries together yet weak enough to know your true "strength" is in the bond of the two of you.

 

So no I don't think marriages can survive cheating. But God is good all the time and nothing is impossible...including new beginnings.

 

 

Bent I love this.

 

Yes an affair kills the marriage. Frankly, I would never again want my M now to be the same as it was pre affair.

 

A new marriage/relationship can be build incorporating all the lessons learned from the affair and the demise of the pre-affair marriage if both spouses want it bad enough and are willing to do the work.

[confusedinkansas]

I don't see the word SURVIVAL...or SURVIVE - as a BAD word.

 

I see it as:

 

Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.

 

Even if it weren't for infidelity, most marriages go thru their ups & downs. Therefore, SURVIVAL - is a GOOD thing!

[redtail]

...

Can a marriage survive betrayal?

...Thoughts?

 

Yes, a marriage can. However, the better question is should it survive? There are some examples of betrayal where the answer is yes, and then there are cases where the answer is most decidedly NO way.

 

For me, having divorced due to a cheating wife and being better off for leaving than staying, my (biased) opinion is that it is more likely to not survive. I believe that those marriages that do survive, are the exception.

 

Of course, your mileage may vary...

[Spark1111]

Peggy Vaughn is amazing. She hosts a web site full of good info called Dear Peggy.

 

She was well ahead of the curve, not only with her book but her web site. It evolved into Beyond Affairs Network, now run by someone else., a couple that has written a book.

 

Her husband was a serial cheater, so she also experienced it personally.

 

Also amazing, and she came after Peggy Vaughn, was the research and book written by Dr. Shirley Glass, the author of "Not Just Friends."

 

Google and read guys....google and read...

[JustJoe]

If by survival, you mean exist, then yes many marriages survive. If you mean , flourish, grow richer, deeper, more emotionally stable, and more honest and wiser, very, very, few.

[Owl]

Spark, I actually wasn't that impressed with her or her materials. And in truth, her whole situation struck me as one that "survived" but never "improved or flourished". At the bottom line it sounded to me like she just accepted that her husband (and by extension) was just gonna cheat and there was nothing more to it than that.

 

Maybe I walked away with the wrong impression, I don't know. I read her stuff about five years ago.

[reboot]

bent, this was beautiful.

 

No! I don't believe a marriage can survive infidelity. I think that cheating kills an already ailing marriage.........BUT........ I do believe that those couples who choose to, who desire to and who give 110% of themselves can build a new marriage using the lessons learned from the broken marriage. I think that a relationship built on truth,faith, honor, respect, integrity and dignity can grow from the devastation of an affair. I think that the communication that comes from the affair can be transferred into communicating about all aspects of marriage. What better way for something to grow than from the manure of the old marriage?

 

I think when 2 people decide to fight together for a new relationship they become a formidable force. A force that has to be strong enough to rebuild trust and weak enough to lean only on each other. They have to be strong enough to withstand the outside forces(AP, family, stereotypes)internal forces(anger, resentment, flashbacks, residual feelings), yet weak enough to walk in the others shoes. They have to be strong enough to fight for years, yet weak enough to use the word "I" more than the word "YOU". They have to be strong enough to build and honor new boundaries together yet weak enough to know your true "strength" is in the bond of the two of you.

 

So no I don't think marriages can survive cheating. But God is good all the time and nothing is impossible...including new beginnings.

[Samantha0905]

If by survival, you mean exist, then yes many marriages survive. If you mean , flourish, grow richer, deeper, more emotionally stable, and more honest and wiser, very, very, few.

 

Have you been married?

[Woggle]

It can exist after an affair but it will be a shell of what it was. Trust is 100% vital to any successul marriage and cheating kills trust. Without that element you can't have a truly successful marriage.

[JAGeezer]

This is EXACTLY how my husband & I are. Makes me feel good that other people can put something such as this in The Past....& make their marriages better.

Thank you for posting this.

My husband & I just came to the realization that our marriage was worth EVERYTHING. And, to chuck it after so many years would be pointless. However, I think what helped us get "Past" this was that we, deep down, still loved each other.

 

There are varying definitions of "survival". Figures can lie and liars can figure, but the HHS stats that I saw a few years back were not encouraging. 40% either lawyer up immediately, without even attempting reconciliation, or attempt reconciliation and fail in the near term. Of those that "survive" past five years, the vast majority either D in the long term or stay together but end up wishing that they hadn't. They end up miserable if they try to stay together, because the BS ultimately doesn't trust the WS, and the WS, even if they've remade themselves into the second coming of Mother Theresa, can't prove it, because they already proven that when it really counts, they can and will lie their a$$ off.

 

In the end, only about 20% of marriages damaged by an A "survive" in a positive manner into the long term. The ones that come out better and stronger are just 1 in 5. Here's hoping that you and your H fall in the 20% rather than the 80%.

 

Personally I think there's survival and there's quality of life. If survival means spending the rest of my life married to a woman who can make my stomach clinch if she's out of my sight for longer than a couple of hours, then no thanks. That isn't survival. That's self-abuse. Better that you both cut your losses and start over untainted with someone else.

 

I don't deny that some marriages can be rebuilt and emerge stronger than they were before the A. I just think that they're very much the exception rather than the rule, and the data tends to support that. For me it just wouldn't be worth the effort. The reason I loved my spouse (them loving me back) would already have been proven to be a lie. You can't love someone and cheat on them...no matter what the various WS's, OM's, and OW's claim. It simply is not possible to love someone and do something that incredibly vile to them.

 

JAG

[Jilly Bean]

I'm sure many marriages "survive", but I wouldn't call them healthy or non- co-dependent.

 

I mean, after you find out someone has lied to you, betrayed you, humiliated you, broken your vows/trust, there is NO WAY you can ever trust them again, and if you do, you are being entirely foolish. I mean, they lied to you so easily over and over, so why would you believe them when they claim they are suddenly being "honest"? There is no way of EVER knowing the truth with a cheater.

 

When someone shows you who they are, and what they are capable of, believe it, and move on.

 

I think people who stay together are weak and co-dependent. The strong ones pick up the pieces and move on to a far better life.

[JustJoe]

Of course not Sam, but how does that invalidate my opinion? I've never died either, but that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it.

[JustJoe]

I'm sure many marriages "survive", but I wouldn't call them healthy or non- co-dependent.

 

I mean, after you find out someone has lied to you, betrayed you, humiliated you, broken your vows/trust, there is NO WAY you can ever trust them again, and if you do, you are being entirely foolish. I mean, they lied to you so easily over and over, so why would you believe them when they claim they are suddenly being "honest"? There is no way of EVER knowing the truth with a cheater.

 

When someone shows you who they are, and what they are capable of, believe it, and move on.

 

I think people who stay together are weak and co-dependent. The strong ones pick up the pieces and move on to a far better life.

I agree with this post, pretty much.

[seren]

I'm sure many marriages "survive", but I wouldn't call them healthy or non- co-dependent.

 

I mean, after you find out someone has lied to you, betrayed you, humiliated you, broken your vows/trust, there is NO WAY you can ever trust them again, and if you do, you are being entirely foolish. I mean, they lied to you so easily over and over, so why would you believe them when they claim they are suddenly being "honest"? There is no way of EVER knowing the truth with a cheater.

 

When someone shows you who they are, and what they are capable of, believe it, and move on.

 

I think people who stay together are weak and co-dependent. The strong ones pick up the pieces and move on to a far better life.

 

This is so not my reality and I am certainly not, ever, never weak nor am I co-dependent. I also think that it took some guts for my H to own up to having an A and the way in which WE have dealt with it works for us. Of course the A hurt, of course he lied, but we understand the build up to him being as he was, we also understand that it will always be in our history, and that the marriage we had will never be. BUT, the marriage we have is so much better, not because of the A, but despite it. I trust him absolutely, to do anything less would mean I would leave, but I also am not so naive to believe that he couldn't do it again, I just trust him not to. I don't define my H as a cheater, he is my H, the man I love and yes he cheated, but he is more than that.

 

Staying is not easy, it does not make us weak, it means that we know that the road ahead will be rocky, but that the journey is so worth it. Some people have a different experience and reality - all marriages are different and for some to stay is more than they can do and so they leave, that doesn't make them weak not does it make them any stronger than those who stay. What works for some just doesn't work for others. Co-dependency is, IMO, when two people stay through habit, or because there is no other option. Well all I can say to this is my friends would laugh to see me or H called weak or co-dependent. Frankly, staying has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but oh, so worth it. I am more interested in the future, learning from mistakes, events and moving forward. I have one life and will never, ever compromise my future happiness, leaving H would have done that.

[reboot]

Half of marriages don't survive, whether there's infidelity or not. Some of you oh so smug people try to prove a point that no one is arguing. We are not little children blindly believing in Santa Claus. We know most marriages don't survive an affair. We choose not to take the high road. We know starting over would probably be easier.

 

We believe that a marriage can begin anew, and we believe that trust can be regained, because trust is a choice. It's a gift we give, not something that is earned. We believe that because our eyes were forced wide open we won't ever be so easily fooled again. We make this choice with much hope and anticipation of the future, not because we are weak or sad or pathetic.

 

Your perception is not our reality. But thanks for playing.