Close to having an affair at work - I'm her Boss

[bentley2110]

This is bad, I know it is.

 

She's only slightly younger (couple of years), and reports directly to me. I am in a marriage of 5 years, no kids, and pretty bored with it all. She has a boyfriend, she says its not serious.

 

She has worked for me for about a year and a half, since she started. She's very capable, intelligent, and she's absolutely great to have around. She's also gorgeous. I made myself not think of her that way for a long time, up until the 2nd or 3rd time we travelled together for business, just the two of us. It's started feeling like we were on exciting little dates, and we got to know each other very well. Now the last 6 weeks or so, there is definitely a line that has been crossed. We have had 3 secret dates here at home, and have kissed, but nothing else. It's still all a little new.

 

My wife is also a professional person, we both spend long hours at work. We have reached a point where neither of us is really investing a whole lot to keep it exciting, it's gotten stale. I think she would agree. We're both kind of stuck in our jobs, our house, etc... neither of us wants kids right now. She has been my closest friend for years, I have definitely been in love with her, and I think I probably still am in love with her. But now, I'm questioning that.

 

The woman at work is amazing. We have much in common, with our background, families, etc... I look forward to spending time alone with her now and talking about thing unrelated to work. I think about her all the time. She says she really wants to see me, but knows she shouldn't. She says that it is unusual for her to have someone like her for her personality, conversation, and not just for the way she looks. She has been engaged multiple times, but never married, and I think she is starting to explore relationships and sexuality in a way that is exciting to her. She calls herself a sex addict. I'm not sure if that's really true, I think she just has unfounded self confidence issues, rooted with her family.

 

I don't think my wife suspects, I don't think anyone at work knows, but there aren't many ways this can end good for anyone. I don't think it has effected our working relationship - yet. I have told two of my best friends, who I trust. It helps to talk about what to do.

 

I know what I should do - put a stop to it, focus on our jobs, be her boss at work, pay attention to wife, improve my marriage. But, I can't seem to make myself do that. I can't get past thinking that this girl may be someone I will regret passing by. I have fantasized about adjusting our careers so that we could move to another state together and start a life - I have a second home with my wife that I'm sure I would end up in if that went bad.

 

Not to mention all the inappropriate professional outcomes this could generate. We work for a rather small company, not too much formal policy, HR, etc..., but I fear for both our jobs if it went bad.

 

I really like this girl - a lot. I'm questioning my marriage. Risks to my career don't seem to matter for some reason. I can't stop, and I can't help thinking maybe I shouldn't.

 

Help

[CarrieT]

If you and this girl have so much going as a couple, than the best thing you could do would be fire her (so you are no longer her boss) and get a divorce.

 

THEN see if you still have a lot going together.

 

Otherwise, it is just the temptation of seeing her everyday that is going to get to you and the fact that you are not working on your marriage.

 

Look at the big, global picture; where do you want to be in ten, twenty, or fifty years? Work towards THOSE goals, be it with your wife (and a family?) or with this girl. Don't think about the immediate, but the long-term and how it will affect all involved. If this girl is "the real deal" and the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, than she should not be working for you -- only then should you pursue a relationship with her, but ONLY if you are 100% emotionally free yourself.

[You Go Girl]

It's just excitement of the thrill of someone new, and lust.

You'll never have a successful relationship long term with anybody if you act on crushes, you know this right?

Your love life will just be one act of infidelity after another...

 

You have a good woman at home who is being neglected while you fantasize about this OW...complacency and neglect will destroy your marriage...

Do you want to end up as the guy who's always cheating and looking for some new thrill?

If not, cut it off now.

This is why decent people decide that they will not cross the line into infidelity, and that they will end their marriage before they start something new. It's holding yourself to high enough standards for success in life so that you aren't a train wreck always waiting to happen.

Tell her that the two of you have crossed a line not to be crossed by a married man, period, and that you have to revert back to 1st--professionals working together, and 2nd--a non-intimate friendship within that working environment.

There's nothing else to say--you are married.

Play by the rules. If you don't want to be married--get a divorce FIRST.

[Ahell]

I think you are infatuated with this girl. Your wife doesn't deserve the pain you will give her. Work it out with her instead

[CarrieT]

Now the last 6 weeks or so, there is definitely a line that has been crossed. We have had 3 secret dates here at home, and have kissed, but nothing else. It's still all a little new.

 

She calls herself a sex addict. I'm not sure if that's really true, I think she just has unfounded self confidence issues, rooted with her family.

 

Okay, here are the giant red flags. You have already crossed over the to the dark place you KNOW you shouldn't have gone. You have already had an affair in your wife's eyes (despite what your title has said). Three dates? Kissing? And talking about sex?

 

Bad, bad, bad....

 

If you want to stay married, you have to fire this woman and confess to your wife. Whether or not she stays married to you is a whole other matter.

[lilagirl]

Hi Bentley,

 

 

Welcome to LS.

 

All I can tell you is... read through this forum and the OTher woman forum in great length - you will see your future. You can try all you want to set boundaries, you will break them - I promise.

 

I am currently separated from my H, in an A with a MM, waiting for him to decide if he wants to leave his W.

 

My prediction is that you have found your crack... you have had a taste, and you want more.... won`t take you long and you will be injecting, stealing from your family, and soon on the street... As are VERY addictive.

 

You have an opportunity now to tell your W. Your crimes are light in comparison to others. THis is a big wake-up call for you. You can tell your W that you have been tempted, but you love her...

 

If you are lucky... the commitment/relationship issues in her past will cause her to end things... HOWEVER.. don`t count on this... As don`t end easily. THe addiction is strong.

 

You came here because you know the answer. There is no one here who will tell you that you can do this, have allot of great sex, and conversation, leave your wife, and live happily ever after with the hot chic who reports directly to you. Whether we are the cheaters, or the betrayed, it never ends without heartache. Many couples are able to renew their love and committment - however, that is after months and years of hard work and deep pain.

 

Good luck.

[lilagirl]

Your love life will just be one act of infidelity after another...

 

Do you want to end up as the guy who's always cheating and looking for some new thrill?

 

This is exactly what will happen... which is why you need to tell your W. You need to help yourself, and take this as a red flag for your M. You and your wife need to get it together... and start loving each other again... not going through the motions of life.

 

Okay, here are the giant red flags. You have already crossed over the to the dark place you KNOW you shouldn't have gone. You have already had an affair in your wife's eyes (despite what your title has said). Three dates? Kissing? And talking about sex?

 

Bad, bad, bad....

 

If you want to stay married, you have to fire this woman and confess to your wife. Whether or not she stays married to you is a whole other matter.

 

 

Yep... you are currently having an affair... and you have already broken your wedding vows.

[Woman In Blue]

It's more than likely Bentley isn't going to listen to any of us - not when he's doing his thinking with the little head.

 

He'll more than likely do exactly the opposite of what he should do and eventually it will blow up in his face like these things pretty much always do.

 

Same crap, different people.

 

Have at it, Bentley. In 6 months or so you'll be back, whining that things went "horribly wrong" with the girlie in the office and you either lost your job, have a sexual harrassment suit against you, or your wife just found out that you couldn't keep it in your pants and things have totally hit the fan.

 

You won't be the first one who couldn't control his d*ck and screwed things up and you certainly won't be the last. I'm not going to waste my breath telling you not to do it because you'll do whatever you want anyway.

[Green]

Ask yourself what kind of life do you want to live? You are really only hurting yourself by settling for a cheap life of quick satisfaction.

 

If you want just leave your wife and you can spend your life going from one woman to then next. When things get boring you just date a new woman... no one would blame you.

 

But if your dream was to grow old and build a life with one person, well you are only hurting urself by cheating on that person. Your wife will either cheat on you, leave you or both eventualy. Everything has a consequence even if she never finds out you will know.

 

Maybe thats the key to life. Make a lie life up with some one and keep the lie going and enjoy it. I don't know the answers.

[carhill]

OP, do you own all or a portion of the company?

 

Have you had similar issues (infatuations) in the past?

 

Do you understand the difference between *saying* one is a sex addict and *being* a sex addict?

 

Have you talked with your wife about having an open marriage? Perhaps she would like to explore that in light of the circumstances. You don't have children, appear to be good friends and like the social and financial status of being married. Talking to her now, before the lies get too complex, would be healthier long-term.

 

Hope it works out for you. If you want to end up alone, this path is one way to get there. Take it from someone who knows. Good luck

[BB07]

Talk about the beginnings of a cake eater.

 

You've already crossed a line and you think you aren't going to be satisfied till you get a taste of the forbidden. This woman...is making herself available to you and you know that all you've got to do is push just a little and bingo....you are in. Your post lets us know that you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into and you also know why you are contemplating it and you aren't stupid....you know what you are risking. Use the brains you've got and remove yourself from the situation or you'll have more trouble than you can imagine down the road. If you've just got to have her and can't live without knowing......then do the honorable thing and man up and leave your wife FIRST.

[PhoenixRise]

Gee

 

I wonder why a woman would tell her married boss that 1. Her relationship with her boyfriend wasn't serious. and 2. that she is a sex addict ?

 

 

Listen, as others have said you have choices here. Some choices involved being a man with some integrity others don't.

 

If you truly want to explore a relationship with this girl then at least transfer her so that you are no longer her direct supervisor. AND tell your wife and get a divorce. Do not continue to play with fire by having an affair with someone who reports directly to you. AND do not continue to deceive your wife by sneaking around behind her back.

 

If you want to stay married then end this relationship with your subordinate employee and wait for the $hitstorm to happen because I suspect this new love interest of yours will turn pretty nasty if/when you dump her. And actually work on your marriage. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and tell her that you have gotten inappropriately close to a co-worker. Tell her it was a wake up call for you and that you want a renewed investment in the marriage Get into MC.

 

If you stay on this road your marriage will blow up. You will cause buckets of pain. AND you stand a good chance of losing your job and ending up getting sued for sexual harassment.

 

Start thinking with your big head instead of your little one.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Well, just think how bad it's gonna be when it all goes to hell, and you have to explain to your wife and boss why you're being sued for sexual harassment.

 

Don't sh*t where you eat.

[Got it]

Jesus, do NOT fire this woman. First you need to be aware of any dating policies in your company, most companies even small ones have a no supervisor/subordinate dating. This is ripe for a whole host of problems.

 

Do you know how your company has handled dating and EMR in their past? That would be a very good indicator of what you are dealing with.

 

In regards to the EMA, what are you looking for? What do you want out of it? How are you going to handle if it goes south?

 

I understand how intoxicating it can be and I am involved with a (now)sMM that I work with, but there are a whole HOST of issues and concerns you need to be cognizant of. It is intoxicating but THINK.

[bentnotbroken]

I think you should tell your wife to go out and find a freak buddy so that you both can test the waters.

[Lizzie60]

You say your marriage is stale.. boring.. same for your W.. you have no kids.. 2 houses.. divorce would be much easier..

 

but I know how you feel.. you don't want to give up your M.. unless you know for sure if it would work out with this OW.. then you would have lost your best friend (W) and hurt her for nothing.

 

This is hard.. ONLY YOU can decide what's best for YOU..

 

The fact that you are her boss... could also be dangerous for you...

 

I'm speculating here.. but let's say.. you go ahead, have an A with this woman.. then she falls head over heels for you.. but YOU decide she's not for you after all... you want to break up with you.. but then she keeps a record of all your 'intimate' moments and file for sexual harassment..

 

just be careful... work affairs could be dangerous.. especially when YOU are the one who has more to lose..

[bentley2110]

OP, do you own all or a portion of the company?

 

Have you had similar issues (infatuations) in the past?

 

Do you understand the difference between *saying* one is a sex addict and *being* a sex addict?

 

Have you talked with your wife about having an open marriage? Perhaps she would like to explore that in light of the circumstances. You don't have children, appear to be good friends and like the social and financial status of being married. Talking to her now, before the lies get too complex, would be healthier long-term.

 

Hope it works out for you. If you want to end up alone, this path is one way to get there. Take it from someone who knows. Good luck

 

No similar situations in the past. Never cheated on my wife, never had an office crush/fling

 

And, no, I don't understand what you mean as the difference between someone "saying" they're a sex addict and "being" one? Not sure why she would tell me this, she is either really opening up or has another motive

 

Yes, I should talk to my wife. I'm just not sure what I need to say yet. I don't know how I feel. guess I need to evaluate my marriage independent of this woman, and make a decision on what to do without this other complication.

 

It's not just lust, thinking with the d*ck, etc... It really is something more than that, but I can't define it. At some level, the woman at work could just be a messed up individual that is pure trouble, but a part of me really wants to help her. I find myself worrying about her. I think if the situation was right and she threw herself at me, I would resist and probably walk away at least temporarily. We actuall have talked about the situation quite a bit. I believe her when she says she knows she shouldn't be doing this.

 

And today, I find myself waiting on an email from her confirming our 4th meet-up tonight. And yes, I've already begun the lies. I know I need to stop. But it is quite exciting. I'm in trouble

[CarrieT]

It's not just lust, thinking with the d*ck, etc... It really is something more than that, but I can't define it.

 

This statement contradicts this statement:

 

I know I need to stop. But it is quite exciting. I'm in trouble

 

And I say that from the countless (read THOUSANDS) of guys (and girls!) who post here and say the same thing; they can't help themselves, blah-blah-blah.

 

Of course you can stop it. Don't schedule the fourth date and give yourself the time and space to separate yourself out from the EXCITEMENT and DECEIT that will only hurt yourself and your wife that much more. Doesn't your wife deserve a little more than this? Seriously?

 

Or, put yourself in your wife's shoes -- if you found out she was doing exactly the same as you are doing now?

[bentley2110]

It's more than likely Bentley isn't going to listen to any of us - not when he's doing his thinking with the little head.

 

He'll more than likely do exactly the opposite of what he should do and eventually it will blow up in his face like these things pretty much always do.

 

Same crap, different people.

 

Have at it, Bentley. In 6 months or so you'll be back, whining that things went "horribly wrong" with the girlie in the office and you either lost your job, have a sexual harrassment suit against you, or your wife just found out that you couldn't keep it in your pants and things have totally hit the fan.

 

You won't be the first one who couldn't control his d*ck and screwed things up and you certainly won't be the last. I'm not going to waste my breath telling you not to do it because you'll do whatever you want anyway.

 

At the very least, no matter what I do, or what happens, I need to be able to say I thought things through and made a conscious decision. I still haven't made this decision, but I fear I'm already too far in in a lot of ways.

 

We both have talked about all the reasons we shouldn't be thinking like this but she and I both have said that for some reason, they still aren't enough to stop.

 

I feel like I'm playing with fire, and i just need to take it slow and don't make rash decisions. But I'm having a hard time not thinking about her.

[Lizzie60]

Bottom line.. he's impatiently waiting for that confirmation of the 4th secret 'exciting' date..

 

Do you, people, honestly think that he will follow your advices and NOT go.. in the event she emails him saying that she can't wait to see him..

[You Go Girl]

No similar situations in the past. Never cheated on my wife, never had an office crush/fling

 

And, no, I don't understand what you mean as the difference between someone "saying" they're a sex addict and "being" one? Not sure why she would tell me this, she is either really opening up or has another motive

 

Yes, I should talk to my wife. I'm just not sure what I need to say yet. I don't know how I feel. guess I need to evaluate my marriage independent of this woman, and make a decision on what to do without this other complication.

 

It's not just lust, thinking with the d*ck, etc... It really is something more than that, but I can't define it. At some level, the woman at work could just be a messed up individual that is pure trouble, but a part of me really wants to help her. I find myself worrying about her. I think if the situation was right and she threw herself at me, I would resist and probably walk away at least temporarily. We actuall have talked about the situation quite a bit. I believe her when she says she knows she shouldn't be doing this.

 

And today, I find myself waiting on an email from her confirming our 4th meet-up tonight. And yes, I've already begun the lies. I know I need to stop. But it is quite exciting. I'm in trouble

 

Yep...she's a messed up individual, that's for sure. Anybody who would proudly tell you that they consider themselves a 'sex addict' is a fool.

Read the above sentence 20 times.

Wants to help her? Help her how? She says she knows she shouldn't be doing this...

Quite exciting? oooh ooooh oooooh! Going the route of the forbidden and taboo is so much fun?

Come on. Get your feet back on the ground, because otherwise, reality is going to hit you like a brick in the head, and the fallout will be much worse than that.

I foresee tragedy........remorse, guilt, abandonment, potential loss of job, extortion and blackmail for starters...

and then there's losing the decent wife at home, but, in the heat of the moment why think about that?

[norajane]

:lmao:

 

So you want to explore a relationship with another woman who actually reports to you, another woman who is a self-proclaimed sex addict with self-esteem issues and a track record of broken engagements?

 

:lmao:

 

I guess the dick wants what the dick wants. What a perfect way to f*ck up your entire life, your wife, your job, and this woman!

 

You really couldn't set things up for a bigger disaster if you tried!

[bentley2110]

You say your marriage is stale.. boring.. same for your W.. you have no kids.. 2 houses.. divorce would be much easier..

 

but I know how you feel.. you don't want to give up your M.. unless you know for sure if it would work out with this OW.. then you would have lost your best friend (W) and hurt her for nothing.

 

This is hard.. ONLY YOU can decide what's best for YOU..

 

The fact that you are her boss... could also be dangerous for you...

 

I'm speculating here.. but let's say.. you go ahead, have an A with this woman.. then she falls head over heels for you.. but YOU decide she's not for you after all... you want to break up with you.. but then she keeps a record of all your 'intimate' moments and file for sexual harassment..

 

just be careful... work affairs could be dangerous.. especially when YOU are the one who has more to lose..

 

I'm not worried about how this will affect me. I'm a big boy, I can handle it, as long as I understand the decision. I know it could end up being the end of my job, the end of my marriage. I know I'm setting myself up for a fall, especially if she's not true in what she says, and I end up more committed to the relationship than she is. Even with all of this, it's still a tough decision, it's hard to describe how I feel when I'm with her outside of the work environment. This woman has gotten to me, and I need to accept it and decide what to do.

 

Now, what worries me about all of this the most is what happens to my wife if I leave. She will struggle without me financially, she is not as confident a person as she may seem. She's not very experienced romantically (neither am I), she may go off the deep end some way. I worry more about her than me in all of this, (i know that sounds horrible, considering I'm the one with the issue).

 

Someone answer me this- Why don't we have kids yet? Have we both always suspected it would end sometime?

[bentley2110]

Yep...she's a messed up individual, that's for sure. Anybody who would proudly tell you that they consider themselves a 'sex addict' is a fool.

Read the above sentence 20 times.

Wants to help her? Help her how? She says she knows she shouldn't be doing this...

Quite exciting? oooh ooooh oooooh! Going the route of the forbidden and taboo is so much fun?

Come on. Get your feet back on the ground, because otherwise, reality is going to hit you like a brick in the head, and the fallout will be much worse than that.

I foresee tragedy........remorse, guilt, abandonment, potential loss of job, extortion and blackmail for starters...

and then there's losing the decent wife at home, but, in the heat of the moment why think about that?

 

I wouldn't say that she said it with pride, but yes you have a point.

 

I hear what all of you are saying. I know you're all right.

 

But yes, I will probably go tonight. I'll make a decision soon. I agree that this can't go on as a secret, I need to end it or own up to it.

[norajane]

I worry more about her than me in all of this

 

Really? Doesn't sound like it. If you were more worried about her instead of thinking of yourself, you wouldn't be so deep into this already.

 

Don't believe your own hype! You aren't so noble and compassionate with your "worry" for your wife! You're a cheating bastard and that is pure selfishness with no regard for anyone else. ME FIRST, despite what you might be telling yourself.

 

Someone answer me this- Why don't we have kids yet? Have we both always suspected it would end sometime?

 

Now there's an awesome discussion to have with your wife! Go talk to her right now. Bet it will be so very enlightening to you.