Does this exchange mean that my husband is only staying for the children?

[edith]

As most of you know, my husband had an affair, emotionally, with a woman he used to work with for 1.5 years. Last week, it turned sexual, and I've read all their emails.

 

In one of them, after gushing over how amazing the sex was, my husband starts giving her advice about where to go on a date with her husband, and she finds it amusing, as in "you're telling me where to go with MY husband??".

 

He writes back " I hope that's okay... I mean, we don't have another option. Our relationship has to be this way. It's the ONLY way. "

 

She writes "Yes, with small kids like ours..." He agreed.

 

What do you make of this exchange?? Did they both mean that they're only staying for the children?

[OFGnomore]

I think that the children are a big part of the equation. But even though they're talking about concern for the kids now, it could change. Please be weary of stats that say that the majority of As don't lead to second Ms. From looking around where I live, the majority of second Ms have started as the result of As. Especially in that 30 - 55 age group. And in some cases, small kids and even quantity of kids don't keep the M together. Most of the time it boils down to how much the wife will take and how much money they have on their own, not how much the H will reform. I think some high profile cases underscore this, look at Mark Sanford, 4 boys and he was in love with another woman. I think his wife could have stayed married to him but knew his heart wasn't in it. Same with Sandra Bullock, they just adopted a baby and her H was screwing around, now she just filed for a D with a 3 month old. I think when a woman has money, the security question is out the window and she wants her Hs heart too. If not, a financially independent BW is more likely to strike out on her own to find a man who will love and appreciate her with "tunnel vision". She's less willing to stay for just the kids.

[OFGnomore]

As for men, I think most cheating men stay for image. They really don't want to look like an a**hole for abandoning their family, it's not about love for the wife if they're currently in an A or a serial philanderer. Mad Mission's concept of tunnel vision is so true. When a man loves a woman with tunnel vision he can't even look at another woman. My H feels this way about me even after my sh*tty behavior. I think it's rare to find men who feel and or are capable of this. And I mean, these are the men who may have had too much to drink at a party and they STILL DON'T hit on other women.

 

But...for some people, men and women, it's more important to love than to be loved. And I think these are the folks that put up with a whole lot of unacceptable behavior in an M.

 

Something else to think about, a friend of mine, who's step mother is the "classic 50s home wrecker" told her to marry a man who loves you a little more than you love him if you want him to be faithful. How's that for some pre marital advice?? I think that little tid bit ties into that tunnel vision that Mad Mission talks about.

Edited April 30, 2010 by OFGnomore

[stillafool]

It sounds like they are staying for the children but the truth is they are staying for their possessions which include the children. People involved in affairs are so selfish they only think about what is really best for them no matter what they proclaim. Don't they have better things to do all day than exchange stupid emails?

[bananalaffytaffy]

Well, Edith, if you wanted to know if he's emotionally attached to her, now you know. It's obviously not just sex if they are talking like this.

 

Is he just staying for the kids? Who knows. All you know is that's what he's telling her. That's always the convenient excuse for why married affair partners don't leave.

 

This says to me that he'd like more from the relationship, but knows it's not possible. So he'll continue to have his cake and eat it too until someone puts a stop to it.

I hope that person is you. I hope you stop it by filing for divorce on the same day you give copies of all these emails to her husband.

[stillafool]

Edith I don't understand why your H keeps telling her what to do with her husband. This isn't the first time he has done this, is it? I wonder what that is all about. He shouldn't even mention her husband and kids and nor should she. I can't wait until you drop copies of these emails in your husbands lap. His whole world will crumble and then you will know the truth. Something is telling me he is going to crawl.

[Brokenlady]

Edith, you're trying to read the tea leaves here. I used to do the same thing reading communications between my xDM and his xW when they seperated to see if he'd go back to her. The fact that you're even looking tells you most of what you need to know. The thing is, whether or not he loves her says NOTHING about you. In fact, whether or not he loves you says nothing about you. Please don't let whatever his feelings about the two of you diminish your self-confidence and self-esteem. We give men way too much power this way

 

Ok, back to the original question - he deinfitely wants her to believe he's only staying for the kids and that probably what she's telling him too. Right now, these two think they won the lotto - they're having everything they want, free! I don't think it's just sex - otherwise they wouldn't have waited so long to have sex. That being said - what does it mean to you? Does this really change anything?

[edith]

NEW DEVELOPMENTS... THEY DIDN'T REALLY HAVE SEX...

 

I don' know if I should be happy or not.

 

A new batch of emails and they both make it graphically clear, that she performed oral sex on him... and didn't want him to touch her. There was no intercourse. Apparently, from one of the emails, that has been the "deal" for 1.5 years, because she would feel like she was "really" betraying her husband. (????)

 

This could be good because there wasn't sex all the way, so he's probably less involved than I thought.

 

Or, it's bad because he's been chasing her all this time for a bj and that doesn't make sense to me. And he's been this involved with her in other ways, and saying he can't wait to see her, and there wasn't even a full sexual act.

 

I can't wait to hear your opinions. I will comment on the other posts later today, I don't have a lot of time now. Thank you so much once again.

[bittersweet memories]

NEW DEVELOPMENTS... THEY DIDN'T REALLY HAVE SEX...

 

I don' know if I should be happy or not.

 

A new batch of emails and they both make it graphically clear, that she performed oral sex on him... and didn't want him to touch her. There was no intercourse. Apparently, from one of the emails, that has been the "deal" for 1.5 years, because she would feel like she was "really" betraying her husband. (????)

 

This could be good because there wasn't sex all the way, so he's probably less involved than I thought.

 

Or, it's bad because he's been chasing her all this time for a bj and that doesn't make sense to me. And he's been this involved with her in other ways, and saying he can't wait to see her, and there wasn't even a full sexual act.

 

I can't wait to hear your opinions. I will comment on the other posts later today, I don't have a lot of time now. Thank you so much once again.

 

 

I don't know what you are waiting for. It's a matter of time before they have sex.

[CarrieT]

I don't know what you are waiting for. It's a matter of time before they have sex.

 

I don't know what you are waiting for either. A guy does not pursue a woman for a year-and-a-half for just a blow-job so he is obviously more invested in this woman than projected.

 

And why does it matter if there was no intercourse? He is emotionally invested in this other relationship -- moreso than his marriage -- and the fact that she has only given him a BJ is inconsequential.

[Owl]

Edith...what will it really take for you to actually do something to change this situation?

 

Do you have to hear graphic details of what they're doing?

 

What, specifically is the boundary that you'd really and truly consider enforcing here?

 

Is it ok for her to please him, as long as he doesn't return the favor?

 

Is it ok for the two of them to 'do the deed' fully, as long as he doesn't profess love for her?

 

Will you require pictures of the two of them together 'in the act' before you accept that they're engaged in intercourse?

 

Will it require him to TELL YOU that he loves her, rather than you hear it or read it in an email?

 

My point is you're already way, WAYY past the point that most people would accept. And there's no sign of you establishing a boundary now...just more and more expansion of what you seem to be willing to expect.

 

What do you hope to gain by posting here on LS?

 

Approval by others on what you're willing to accept? Advice from others on what your next steps and actions should be? Validation that this is "ok" as long as some kind of limit is met? Indication that what they're doing is wrong enough to cause most people to divorce?

 

What is it you really want to hear from others here?

[califnan]

Edith I don't understand why your H keeps telling her what to do with her husband. This isn't the first time he has done this, is it? I wonder what that is all about. He shouldn't even mention her husband and kids and nor should she. QUOTE]

 

-----------------------

 

Edith, I think she is more zealous for the relationship than he is .. And him agreeing with her about the children, doesn't say much .. She is acting like she wishes for the relationship with your H to be more. He seems to be pulling back.. Just because he agreed about the children reasoning - doesn't mean that that is his only thoughts ..

[califnan]

I would think that the attorney would want you to be certain before he proceeds.. The beauty is, you are holding all of the cards Edith.. Whenever you decide to pull the plug - he could loose even more than half of what he owns.

 

Even though their emotions could grow, the fact that they are both married - and he knows what is at stake in his life ... well the odds are not great that they would Both divorce, to be together..

[scatterd]

I'm really sorry for every ones pain but I'm done I have learned the only men I could ever trust was my family members they lie to both woman and are out to make their selfs feel better.as long as OW and wife are not honest and on the same page they will continue.I am so done It hurts and its time for chicks to stick together like dicks do. I'm sorry dont mean to take over just want to open eyes.I have had a hard time talking about myself but I am learning alot here.dont fall for crap and good luck.they stay because they want to.They play victom and tell each woman how neglected they are as they lie and hurt us lets move on to someone worthy.big hugs:lmao:

Edited May 1, 2010 by scatterd

[whichwayisup]

He writes back " I hope that's okay... I mean, we don't have another option. Our relationship has to be this way. It's the ONLY way.

 

It means he likes having an affair and he likes to still be married to you. He's the king in his own eyes. Two women to meet all his needs.

 

I thought you were about to talk to a lawyer and divorce him?

[MadMission]

As most of you know, my husband had an affair, emotionally, with a woman he used to work with for 1.5 years. Last week, it turned sexual, and I've read all their emails.

 

In one of them, after gushing over how amazing the sex was, my husband starts giving her advice about where to go on a date with her husband, and she finds it amusing, as in "you're telling me where to go with MY husband??".

 

He writes back " I hope that's okay... I mean, we don't have another option. Our relationship has to be this way. It's the ONLY way. "

 

She writes "Yes, with small kids like ours..." He agreed.

 

What do you make of this exchange?? Did they both mean that they're only staying for the children?

 

 

Edith,

Does it really matter if he is only staying for the kids?

What does matter is that he is NOT staying for YOU.

YOU have been the only thing 'replaced' in this whole scenario...replaced by another woman. Everything else is the same and unchanged in his life. Life is GOOD for HIM.

 

 

Why does it matter what variation of sex they engage in? I, personally, would not feel any sense of relief that they have not had intercourse yet.

He's still having sex with her...enjoying her...climaxing from her...in her (sorry so graphic.)

 

I think OW gets a thrill out of dangling a carrot in front of your H...but never lets him have it. She is the ultimate challenge...holding back because of her 'loyalty' to her H. Oh please. That's bs. She knows exactly what she is doing. She's toying with your WH and enjoying his pursuit of her forbidden 'prize.' It's all part of the build-up...to the big event. And, one of these days, he will get what he wants...to f**k her. You'll be reading all about it in an upcomming e-mail.

 

I did not read your other thread, but just based on this thread alone, I cannot help but ask: What more do you need from your HW and OW?

They are in a full blown E/P A. What more do you need to know?

[edith]

What do I expect from this? Advice. Support. Opinions on whether this means that my husband is in love with someone else. I can't discuss it with him, or with my family, so this is my last option.

 

What do I expect from them... Nothing. They've done enough in my eyes. BUT if my husband is NOT in love with her, I might work on things. And this is kind of a new development because they didn't really have sex. I know the type of sex shouldn't matter, but it gave me some hope. It's just how I feel.

 

And should I really throw my marriage and kids' good lives away if he doesn't feel anything for her, I might go to counseling (Califnan, finally remembered to answer this! ).

 

I understand, as J. pointed out, that he probably doesn't know how he feels. But there are so many conflicting signs. Every time things ended between them, it was because he'd stop writing to her. Then he'd start it again after a few weeks (the longest break was 4 months - no response from her. He tried again 2 months after that. Called her husband to save her because she'd gotten caught emailing again - he stood up for her.) Then she again ignored him. Two months after that, she went to the office and they "made up" and started emailing again... again he stopped contact after a few weeks. That brings us to last time, when he contacted her, actually went through with the oral sex they had planned and now they've been emailing a couple of times a week, but she initiates it (and he replies right away, usually within 5 minutes... and apologizes when it takes him longer.)

 

So that's the review... I'm the kind who needs to work things out in my head first so posting helps me too... And I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's probably not staying for me. In my head first, because my heart couldn't take it now.

 

I keep hoping for the day when he won't want her - for good. I think that day is coming because he still hasn't made another "appt" for sex. He just told her he really can't wait to see her. So he may be pulling back or even better, he doesn't even care enough to pull back, he'll just get to her when he does and she has to deal with it...

 

I just had another thought that stopped me cold. My husband, I've always known, has been popular with women. He can pretty much have anyone he wants. He's successful, charming, good looking. This woman was always the one offering the "crazy sex", and he didn't take the bait for a very long time. A lot longer than any man would have. And I've always suspected him of cheating on me other times, but I had never found out for a fact, like this time.

 

Then it occurred to me: why did he wait this long with her? She was willing a year and a half ago, when he stood her up. NSA sex. He ignored her. There has to be a reason (and it wasn't me, if he had cheated before, which I'm almost positive he has.).

He is trying to show her something by behaving this way. He wants her to build an image of him as the conflicted guy, as hard to get, as a family man - so he lays it on thick when talking about our kids in emails interspersed with sex talk. He told her once that he would call her later that day during lunch because he was in the office.... when that was my kid's birthday and he was at home with us (didn't want her to think he was calling her from home... why??). He has asked about her sex life with her husband. Recently, he asked if she and her husband planned on having more kids. He told her her husband was a lucky man... His withdrawal, I think, is meant to tell her that he is TRUSTWORTHY. Because , in the end, he wants her for a relationship. So if he's hard to get now, she won't distrust him later. Why else would a man wait 1.5 years to have oral sex with a woman? When she WAS available??

 

This matters a lot to me. Thanks in advance for your very honest opinions - I really like this forum!

[MizFit]

What do I expect from this? Advice. Support. Opinions on whether this means that my husband is in love with someone else. I can't discuss it with him, or with my family, so this is my last option.

 

What do I expect from them... Nothing. They've done enough in my eyes. BUT if my husband is NOT in love with her, I might work on things. And this is kind of a new development because they didn't really have sex. I know the type of sex shouldn't matter, but it gave me some hope. It's just how I feel.

 

And should I really throw my marriage and kids' good lives away if he doesn't feel anything for her, I might go to counseling (Califnan, finally remembered to answer this! ).

 

I understand, as J. pointed out, that he probably doesn't know how he feels. But there are so many conflicting signs. Every time things ended between them, it was because he'd stop writing to her. Then he'd start it again after a few weeks (the longest break was 4 months - no response from her. He tried again 2 months after that. Called her husband to save her because she'd gotten caught emailing again - he stood up for her.) Then she again ignored him. Two months after that, she went to the office and they "made up" and started emailing again... again he stopped contact after a few weeks. That brings us to last time, when he contacted her, actually went through with the oral sex they had planned and now they've been emailing a couple of times a week, but she initiates it (and he replies right away, usually within 5 minutes... and apologizes when it takes him longer.)

 

So that's the review... I'm the kind who needs to work things out in my head first so posting helps me too... And I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's probably not staying for me. In my head first, because my heart couldn't take it now.

 

I keep hoping for the day when he won't want her - for good. I think that day is coming because he still hasn't made another "appt" for sex. He just told her he really can't wait to see her. So he may be pulling back or even better, he doesn't even care enough to pull back, he'll just get to her when he does and she has to deal with it...

 

I just had another thought that stopped me cold. My husband, I've always known, has been popular with women. He can pretty much have anyone he wants. He's successful, charming, good looking. This woman was always the one offering the "crazy sex", and he didn't take the bait for a very long time. A lot longer than any man would have. And I've always suspected him of cheating on me other times, but I had never found out for a fact, like this time.

 

Then it occurred to me: why did he wait this long with her? She was willing a year and a half ago, when he stood her up. NSA sex. He ignored her. There has to be a reason (and it wasn't me, if he had cheated before, which I'm almost positive he has.).

 

He is trying to show her something by behaving this way. He wants her to build an image of him as the conflicted guy, as hard to get, as a family man - so he lays it on thick when talking about our kids in emails interspersed with sex talk. He told her once that he would call her later that day during lunch because he was in the office.... when that was my kid's birthday and he was at home with us (didn't want her to think he was calling her from home... why??). He has asked about her sex life with her husband. Recently, he asked if she and her husband planned on having more kids. He told her her husband was a lucky man... His withdrawal, I think, is meant to tell her that he is TRUSTWORTHY. Because , in the end, he wants her for a relationship. So if he's hard to get now, she won't distrust him later. Why else would a man wait 1.5 years to have oral sex with a woman? When she WAS available??

 

This matters a lot to me. Thanks in advance for your very honest opinions - I really like this forum!

 

 

I haven't quite figured out what you're trying so hard to wrap your head around, but I also know how a mind and a heart work. What makes sense to you may well not make sense to anyone else.

 

As far as him waiting...no idea unless he thought it was some sort of line he wasn't willing to cross. I'm one who values emotional intimacy and if I had seen what you've seen, as far as their emails, it would have crushed me. I'm a different person to you though...I wouldn't allow it to happen to me after the first time and I certainly wouldn't have been with him by the time they actually did meet up.

 

I may be wrong here, but it appears that you're saying that they didn't have 'sex', but did have oral. Edith...when a woman wraps her lips around your husbands genitals it is as intimate as sex...it is sex...to me it could not be forgiven. Having said that my MMs W has gone through 3 DDays and still taken him back...we are all different.

 

I think you WANT to leave him, but you are looking for anything to entice you to stay. You seem to move between having the courage to leave and the courage to stay.

 

No one can answer the questions for you...it's inside you and when your head and heart reach some conclusion you'll know. I was the child of parents who stayed together 'for the kids'...they did me no favors. Think of you in this situation, not the kids. You need to be happy and fulfilled and have respect in the decisions you make...you need to lead by example.

 

Take care Edith and I hope you find your answers somewhere...post and talk and post some more. You have the patience of a saint...I wish you happiness in your future...you're quite a ways away from it now, but I hope you have loads of it when it rolls around.

[Fallen Angel]

I think that he is heavily emotionally invested in this woman, despite if he calls it love or not.

 

EAs will turn to PAs if there is opportunity. And if you do not think that performing oral sex on someone is about the most intimate thing two people can do then imagine putting a strangers penis in your mouth and allowing him to orgasm into your mouth. I know it is graphic, but honestly, outside of prostitutes and porn stars, I think that most women find giving blow-jobs MORE intimate than vaginal intercourse (A reason men so often decry not getting them enough from their sopuse/SO) Women do not perform oral sex nearly as often as they have vaginal intercourse BECAUSE it is so intimate that they often hold it out as a "special treat".

 

Applauding the fact that he has not yet penetrated her vagina with his penis is mindboggling to me. It is not that he has not f*cked her out of HIS choice, it was her choice.

 

The fact that he has continued to persue her despite the fact that she has not been sexual with him until recently says to me that the emotional aspects of their relationship are what keep him so involved with her, and that to my eyes is much more telling than any sex act they have or have not completed.

 

Does he chase you for emotional intimacy the way he does her? Does he want to spend hours speaking with you? Does he want to just be near you? To hear about your day? To discuss current events? Or is he simply another body in the room when you are together? I assure you he doesn't just hang out watching television with her. He would not put her on ignore to read the newspaper. Sorry, but in my eyes, it is the emotional and not the physical acts that you should use to determine if you can work things out.

 

I am an OW. My relationship with my sweetheart is both EA and PA. But i assure you that if I put a stop to the PA, he would still love me and persue me and our EA would not change. I know this because I have done this. He never stopped calling me, he never stopped coming to see me, he never changed any behaviour except to honor my wish to not have sex. He still spent the nights holding me and telling me how much he loves and adores me, he still called me, emailed me and texted me from his house with her there. He still was very much cheating on her, even when his penis was no where near my vagina.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Edith, your husband is in love with another woman.

 

He has had oral sex with her, and they will have full on sex when the opportunity arises. He is staying for the same reason his MW is staying: because it is easier than getting a divorce and tearing apart their families. They want to be full time parents, they want to keep their homes and possessions intact, and they are going to be together as much as they possibly can within those limitations.

 

There is nothing for you to 'work on' as long as he is in contact with this MW. Nothing. No amount of 'working' on a marriage will have any effect while one of the spouses is in an affair.

 

That said, your marriage will stay intact for as long as you choose to stay in it. Unfortunately, your husband will only be there as a prop. His heart (and sexuality) will be with someone else.

 

I hate to be so blunt about it, but you seem to have some idea that you have a chance at winning your husband back from the MOW. That won't happen. He has to want to let her go, and it is clear that he doesn't want to. Affairs will not end for altruistic reasons. He will not stop because "it hurts you", or because it is "the right thing to do".

 

He will only stop the affair when he is forced to, or when he gets bored of it and walks away.

 

You could always opt for letting the affair run its course, but you might be waiting a long, long time.

 

Or, you could simply file for divorce and free yourself from this mess.

[CarrieT]

And should I really throw my marriage and kids' good lives away if he doesn't feel anything for her, I might go to counseling.

 

This is the part that is really, REALLY sad for me, Edith. You believe that your children's lives are good and yet, at some point in their lives, they WILL find out about their father's infidelity and will be hurt by it.

 

I can guarantee that.

 

And yet, but remaining with your husband, you are complicit in teaching your children that this atrocious behaviour towards you is acceptable. You are teaching your children values that they will carry into their adult relationships; that they can cheat on their spouses and get away with it.

 

At this point, it has very little to do with you and your concern for your husbands feelings (which, frankly, has me wanting to beat my head against a wall), but the best thing you can do to raise honorable, honest, and trustworthy children. And by allowing your husband's behavior to continue, you are teaching your children that it is okay to lie and deceive and be rewarded for that behaviour.

 

Do you get this at all????

[hopesndreams]

Stop torturing yourself. What you are putting yourself through now is a million times worse than what will actually happen once you confront, see a lawyer and live your life without him and his MOW. He's gone Edith. You can't wait it out and you can't compete, and why would you want to? You're tougher than you give yourself credit for and you don't deserve this pain, suffering and the self-inflicted humiliation of fighting for someone who has and will continue to abuse you.

Edited May 1, 2010 by hopesndreams

[MadMission]

What do I expect from them... Nothing. They've done enough in my eyes. BUT if my husband is NOT in love with her, I might work on things. And this is kind of a new development because they didn't really have sex. I know the type of sex shouldn't matter, but it gave me some hope. It's just how I feel.

 

And should I really throw my marriage and kids' good lives away if he doesn't feel anything for her, I might go to counseling (Califnan, finally remembered to answer this! ).

 

I understand, as J. pointed out, that he probably doesn't know how he feels. But there are so many conflicting signs. Every time things ended between them, it was because he'd stop writing to her. Then he'd start it again after a few weeks (the longest break was 4 months - no response from her. He tried again 2 months after that. Called her husband to save her because she'd gotten caught emailing again - he stood up for her.) Then she again ignored him. Two months after that, she went to the office and they "made up" and started emailing again... again he stopped contact after a few weeks. That brings us to last time, when he contacted her, actually went through with the oral sex they had planned and now they've been emailing a couple of times a week, but she initiates it (and he replies right away, usually within 5 minutes... and apologizes when it takes him longer.)

 

So that's the review... I'm the kind who needs to work things out in my head first so posting helps me too... And I'm coming to grips with the fact that he's probably not staying for me. In my head first, because my heart couldn't take it now.

 

I keep hoping for the day when he won't want her - for good. I think that day is coming because he still hasn't made another "appt" for sex. He just told her he really can't wait to see her. So he may be pulling back or even better, he doesn't even care enough to pull back, he'll just get to her when he does and she has to deal with it...

 

 

He is trying to show her something by behaving this way. He wants her to build an image of him as the conflicted guy, as hard to get, as a family man - so he lays it on thick when talking about our kids in emails interspersed with sex talk. He told her once that he would call her later that day during lunch because he was in the office.... when that was my kid's birthday and he was at home with us (didn't want her to think he was calling her from home... why??). He has asked about her sex life with her husband. Recently, he asked if she and her husband planned on having more kids. He told her her husband was a lucky man... His withdrawal, I think, is meant to tell her that he is TRUSTWORTHY. Because , in the end, he wants her for a relationship. So if he's hard to get now, she won't distrust him later. Why else would a man wait 1.5 years to have oral sex with a woman? When she WAS available??

 

Edith, just like all other BS, you are struggling to get clarity about the TRUTH and reality of your WH and M...and where his heart is.

 

Sex is NOT an indicator of love. Nor is the lack of sex an indicator of a lack of love. My WH was 'IN LOVE' with OW for 6 YEARS before it turned physical. There was NO sex, but he was in love with her just the same. Do not underestimate the power of an emotional A. The "love" and intense feelings can occur in the absence of sex. And, vice versa...there could be incredible sex without any love or feelings.

I am mentioning this because I don't think you should use their sexual activity as any kind of guage to measure his true feelings for her.

 

The dynamic you describe of their relationship being off....then on....then off...then on...if VERY typical of a LTA...whether it's EA, PA, or both EA/PA. And, it's actually a very bad sign because it demonstrates the PULL they have for one another. They cannot stop...even when they 'want' to. They are 'powerless' against the pull. All the ego stroking and sexual tension and ilicit excitement and flirtatous bantor...are just too hard to give up. It just feels too damn good.

 

It is a dance they do which eventually culminates and peaks with an intensely blissful f**kfest. It's comming.

 

It's all very shallow, selfish, and immature. But, that's what A's are.

 

You ask 'Should YOU throw away your M...and risk your kids' well-being?' That question is a little late. As your WH has already done that. YOU actually didn't get any say in it at all.

 

You are hoping that your WH's feelings, if any, will diminish. I can tell you that as long as they have ANY kind of contact, his feelings will not change...except that they may intensify. If you really want to 'save' your M, your WH must SEVER ALL CONTACT with OW. There is NO HOPE as long as the e-mails and BJ's continue. And, the only way that is going to happen is if you confront him, expose their A, inform her WH, demand NC, and insist on IC/MC.

 

There is so much more that he needs to do...you need to do...but, these are the basics.

 

He needs to look deep and determine WHY he chose to betray you rather than be honest with you about what is in his head and heart. There are issues within him which predisposed him to his choices. And, there are issues within him which allowed himself to do such a heinous thing. All this needs to be explored...and understood...before any real 'change' can occur...or your efforts and hopes will be in vain.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation.

[stillafool]

What do I expect from this? Advice. Support. Opinions on whether this means that my husband is in love with someone else. I can't discuss it with him, or with my family, so this is my last option.

 

 

This is what everyone is trying and have done is give you their opinion, advice and support. However you don't listen you would just rather get an daily update on your husband and OW's lovelife. Why can't you discuss this with him or your family members. Maybe you need to get your family involved to give you emotional support. Afterall, they know the two of you better than we do.

 

What do I expect from them... Nothing. They've done enough in my eyes. BUT if my husband is NOT in love with her, I might work on things. And this is kind of a new development because they didn't really have sex. I know the type of sex shouldn't matter, but it gave me some hope. It's just how I feel.

 

Yes I would say your h is in love with this OW. You certainly can't say he is using her for sex. He could get sex anywhere because as you said he is goodlooking and has a good career, his OW is not the only woman who would be willing to sleep with him. However, he choses to wait on her this long. You can only imagine how both of them are building it up in their minds as to how great sex will be. When they do finally have sex their affair will become explosive with desire and then they both may want to leave.

 

And should I really throw my marriage and kids' good lives away if he doesn't feel anything for her, I might go to counseling (Califnan, finally remembered to answer this! ).

 

 

What good life? Are you speaking of financial support? He will still take care of his kids whether he is with you or not. He will always be their dad even if he is not your husband anymore. Yes at this point Edith I think you need IC to help you move through this and onward.

 

 

 

 

Then it occurred to me: why did he wait this long with her? She was willing a year and a half ago, when he stood her up. NSA sex. He ignored her. There has to be a reason (and it wasn't me, if he had cheated before, which I'm almost positive he has.).

 

 

Maybe he ignored her because he was already involved in another affair.

 

Why else would a man wait 1.5 years to have oral sex with a woman? When she WAS available??

 

Because he cares about her for more than sex.

[califnan]

Edith,

 

The "hard to get" scenerio regarding your husband, to her.. I don't know if it is that. I think some of the things he says to her regarding her husband, or having children - might be fishing - but on the other hand, I think he is trying to keep a zealous woman on her side of the line - in her marriage.

 

You can continue to analyze the relationship Edith .. But I don't think most of it makes any difference.. I think time is what may be important.. Will the relationship grow..

 

You have mentioned that previously, intimacy between you and your husband has been on the weekends.. I think you should get into marriage counseling with him while he is willing.. Should his feeling grow for her, he may not be is willing..