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On the Fence


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My wife cheated on me for 2 1/2 years. It's been about six months since I found out. During this time I've been really close to leaving our marriage. We did separate for about 2 weeks but, as of now we are still married. The problem is, I'm still wrestling with those thoughts of leaving. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to go. It's kinda 50/50.

 

I love her but I'm having a real hard time knowing what I know now. The details make me sick. The unknown is disturbing and the damage is too real. It's just really disgusting how someone could do that to their spouse and for so long. She made a choice over and over and didn't get out until she was exposed. But, now she's suddenly sorry. Now she realizes what a good man I am. She says she admires me for staying and she's liking me more and more each day. What is all of this about?

 

I'm in counseling now and I'm trying my best NOT to think about the affair or bring it up around her. It's seems kinda pointless. If we're gonna make it work, then we need to focus on our future. However, as much as I try, it still haunts me about every hour of the day. My wife and I may talk about it once a week or so and on rare occasion something bitterly will come out of my mouth. I'm just being honest here. I will say though it has gotten better for me and I know one day it will be a blur. I really DO want to stop thinking about it. It's getting old and so am I, I'm almost 37.

 

We see a lot of each other, we have three kids together and we are an active family. I will give her credit because she is trying. We have been spending quality time together and I'm 99 percent sure she has NOT made any contact with the OM. She is sorry and she has said she does not want a divorce and really, neither do I. I just don't know if I can handle this craziness much longer.

 

I feel that if I stay I'm giving up my pride. I also feel like I may be missing out on opportunities to be with someone who could love me more. I don't really know. All I know is I'm tired of feeling this confused.

 

I don't care what anyone says infidelity is "the most disrespectful thing a person can do to a spouse". I know because I've just lived it. So if you're thinking about it, stop yourself and get some serious help.

 

Any feedback is good.

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I'm sorry for what you're going through... Six months is still very soon. Everyone keeps saying it could take at least 2 years to start to feel better (sorry, I know this sounds like forever)... 2-5 years for a couple to really recover. It's been over 2.5 yrs for us and I still struggle with H's long-term affair every single day. We have good days, but the affair is always in the back of my mind... I still get obsessed over it from time to time... Sometimes I think we can make it. Other times I feel trapped (because of the kids). Anyway, what I really want to say is that 6 months is still too early to make a huge decisions such as to divorce or not. Give it some more time... Like many psychologists would tell you, don't make any huge, life-altering decisions while the emotions are still so fresh. Take a day at a time (I know, easier said than done)... let time show you whether the two of you can make it.

 

P.S. I understand the "giving up my pride" aspect. I used to feel this way too. But I bet she tells you the truth that she respects you even more for staying with her.

Edited by Katerina
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Dude I'm 2 1/2 years out and I still feel like you from time to time

As time goes on, it does become less frequent.

 

If I look at it objectively, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I have a better W now than I did for many years. Since the fog lifted, she's given everything she's had to trying to make up for what she's done.

 

But, that doesn't negate the fact that everyone once and awhile I'll just think, you're such an idiot for taking this from her, and she's still here.

 

It's easy to say F it and quit, but it takes real courage and devotion to stick it out and work to fix what's broke.

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Don't be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time.

and - I bet your communication channels are now better. That is a good thing.

Good luck mate.

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whichwayisup

Not all can get over an affair and stay in the marriage. Sometimes it's just too hurtful and too damage has been done..

 

Some say it takes up to 2 years to even get things back on track.

 

It's good you are doing counselling, is she going on her own? Are you two in marriage counselling together?

 

Your wife respects you, is in awe of you because in all honesty, it takes a special person to stay after an affair. The betrayed spouse has to be the bigger person and put up with a hell of alot more crap than the wandering spouse.

 

Give it time, continue with therapy and as long as you wife is trying and showing you she does love you, wants to be a better wife, a loving mother, work hard to keep her family together, I say for the sake of the kids, give it your best too. Atleast later if it doesn't work, you will know YOU gave it your best and tried everything before throwing in the towel.

 

Don't let pride and ego get in the way...Unless you truly feel you can't get past this, then a trial separation, possibly divorce is the only answer.

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I really don't know what to say other than good luck. I do know if you choose to stay make her work for you and your family. Do not let her off easy

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jnj express

You say your wife is feeling sorry, for making you 2nd best in her life for close to 3 yrs. She is more than likely with you still cuz you are her support, and she doesn't wanna loose her kids. The real question here is, is she showing real honest to goodness remorse, and contrition. Is she helping you to get thru your visions and pain???

 

I am sorry to say this, and no matter what anyone else says---IT NEVER COMPLETELY GOES AWAY. You will be triggered and remember for the rest of your life, what your wife has done to you.

 

Sure some say it is better, and their mge., is great, but they still have memories, and they are lying, if they try to tell you they never think of what was done to them.

 

IMHO get all the details so there can be nothing left to your imagination. Then and only then can YOU, start to heal. You also need to find out WHY, your wife found the need to give herself to another man for close to 3 yrs. That's a long time to disrespect you, and forget that she had kids.

 

Set some very strict boundaries, with consequences you WILL follow thru on, and get a POST NUPTUAL AGREEMENT, as a condition of your staying, stating that if she does cheat again, or resume contact with this guy, she gets nothing in a divorce settlement.

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My xH cheated on me 19 years ago...when I confronted him and saw the flash of guilt on his face I made the decision to end the marriage. To this day I deal with feelings of 'how could he have done that to me' and 'what was wrong with me'.

 

As I was growing up I saw my father cheat on my mother and she chose to stay. She lived with those feelings and the constant reminders and triggers.

 

I was in an A with a MM and I know his feelings and thoughts and the level of deception that he reached...the only second thought he had for her when it was going on was 'how do I not get caught and what do I have to do now'. And the kicker is he still loved her and never said a bad word about her...so if I had the decision again as to whether to take my path or my mothers and the BS...I'd take mine.

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