Am I wrong in feeling jealous?

[Willy]

I have been happily married for almost 17 years. About six months ago my wife had reconstructive knee surgery. After the surgery she spent the better part of 5 months going through rehab. What is bothering me is that she has seemed to become emotionally attached to the physical therapist. She talked alot about him when she was going every day. But I think it may be heading further.

 

Here are just some of the things that have gone on. He is form Poland and she now has started to learn Polish for him. She has borrowed a set of golf clubs from her friend so he can try golf,(my wife is a good golfer). She scheduled and had him take pictures of my three children and my wife for portraits that I now find out she wants to put over our couch in our family room. She is no longer going to PT but she e-mails him once or twice a day.

 

I guess the thing that put me over the edge is when I found out about the pictures the day of the pictures and when they came back there were 4 rolls and there were "family" pictures without me in them. Also there were about 10 pictures of my wife taken by her "friend".

 

I have told my wife that it bothers me that they are so close and that I find out about all of these things after the fact. She says that he is just a good friend who helped here through the rehab.

 

I guess I'm really confused because things seem to be going well between my wife and I but I just can't get over the relationship she has with him.

 

Am I wrong in feeling jealous? Should I tell her to stop e-mailing him? Should I try to get to know this guy that my wife has hidden for me for so long?

 

PLEASE give me some advice.

[Tony T]

I think that all married people are entitled to have opposite sex friends. However, I think this one is definitely on the edge. Emailing a guy friend twice a day is way too much. I'd say once every two of three weeks would be reasonable. Her golf, pictures and other get togethers seem to be too frequent for the blood of most husbands.

 

Her doing things with him without telling you in advance is NOT good at all. This should be prohibited so it doesn't look like she's trying to hide something from you.

 

After being with the same guy for 17 years, it's probably nice for her to have the company of another male...that's probably a bit of a lift for the relationship. But there is the seed that it could go to far.

 

I'd have a long talk with her and tell her that she needs to set some boundaries in this friendship for the good of the marriage. Let her know you have no problem with her being friends with this dude but when these activities she has with him cut into her time with you and the rest of the family, that's just too much.

 

You might also have a talk with him. Let him know that there may be ethical issues involved with him getting so closely involved with a client while she was in physical therapy. Let him know you want it to cool down...or you will see an attorney to sue him and the people he works for....and that may cool it off real fast. Better yet, have an attorney write a letter to him...keep his employer out of the initial contact. Only contact his employer if he doesn't cool the friendship to a decent level. Use this as a last resort and be careful how you choose your words.

 

If all else fails, let me know and I'll go kick his butt for you.

 

You might also ask your wife he she's learned how to say "divorce" in Polish yet???

[cindy0039]

From just what you said, I don't see a problem with your wife being friends with this guy. Maybe she just sensed that he needed friends in this country and is helping him out. Have you tried offering to go do things with them, or all of you as a family, and see what her reaction is? If she only wants to see him as a friend when you and the kids are not around, then I would be a little bit suspicious, but it still doesn't mean there's anything going on. Just try to see him the same way you would a female friend of hers. Just because a woman is friends with a man doesn't always mean there's funny business going on.

 

I think you will be making a mistake if you demand that she not be friends with him just because he's a male. In fact, that might be why she's done some things without telling you, because she senses that you're a little sensitive about him. Just try to be open about the situation and not suspicious and demanding and maybe she will be more open with you.