Jump to content

Is staying with a "sexally addicted" husband worth it?


dreamingoftigers

Recommended Posts

dreamingoftigers

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years and together one year before that. We have an 8-month old daughter.

 

He has lied and LIED AND LIED about cheating on me for two years. (at least)

 

It turned out that he had been viewing porn and lying about it. Finally I solidly confronted him on it. He admitted it and my heart was broken because he had been so sexually rejecting of me since we got married. We barely had any sex on our honeymoon. We wen to marital counselling for a few months and he lied to the counselor the whole time.

 

Finally his lies came crashing down when I was able to go through his computer after he wasn't able to delete his history. He had been online dating all through my pregnancy and after I gave birth to our daughter. I believe he has had multiple affairs, even though he denies this. I suspect he was having encounters when I was in the hospital with our daughter after I gave birth.

 

We moved across the country and opted for more marital counselling. Eventually in November he told me that he could not stop looking at other girls and that he thought he could not be happy and monogamous. After that we have started going for sexual addiction counselling.

 

He has told me that he has found even just telling me to be very therapeutic and he has not been "triggered" as much. The specialist we are seeing has told me that the prognosis for his recovery is very good and that there is a lot of hope for our marriage. He is attending meetings. He doesn't like to hug or hold hands with other addicts at the meetings but he does it anyways. He is trying. We are having 3 months of celibacy at the recommendation of the specialist.

 

I think I may hate him. I do not trust him within an inch, every time I see a pretty girl, I want to crawl in a grave and die. I cry at work, I cry at home. I clean houses and sometimes I stop on the job and cry in the washrooms. I have never felt so worthless, even when I was suicidal. I know I am not a pretty girl and I never had super-high expectations of the partner I ended up with, but I did expect loyalty. I felt like all of the prettier people in the world had so much more going for them and I just wanted my little family and now I cannot even have that day-to-day. My worth is nothing to him when he sees someone with a nicer ass. Our history does not trump a pair of new breasts on an 18-year old.

 

Is this actually temporary or is my marriage a pit of **** and misery?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do you think you didn't have much sex on your honeymoon? Had you already had sexual relations at that point? That may be too personal, so feel free to ignore!

 

You seem very committed...what has been keeping you in the marriage this long? Plus, he's still around too. Why, do you think? It seems that he's making an effort, and that is scaring you... Are you scared to be in a healthy relationship?

 

Wow, these are very heavy questions, and I don't mean to offend. Please take what I say with a grain of salt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

We had had consistent sexual relations for the year before we got married, part of the reason I married him (5%) was because he could keep up with me. I have always been a High-desire girl and so I was never restrictive or anything with sex.

 

I have stayed in the marriage for varying reasons.

 

1. we have a young daughter and I want her to grow up in a happy family, not a split up one where she gets to see her father on "weekends." I also do not want to have to put my husband through the pain of losing seeing her everyday. He loves her very deeply and has actually surprised me with what a wonderful father he is.

 

2. We are quite financially screwed.

 

3. I am actually a Mormon and therefore divorcing is very taboo and I am very uncomfortable with the whole notion.

 

4. I believe a marriage should only be ended if every possibility of reconciliation has been effectively exhausted.

 

5. I still have feelings for my husband even though they are confused 90% of the time. He is my best friend

 

I am not scared to have a healthy relationship. The idea is very new to me. I am scared to try to have a healthy relationship with someone who can so convincingly lie to me. That is scary. I continually worry that if I am not ever-vigilant, he will cheat (again?). I cannot go through this anymore. No one should ever have to go through this. If it was an affair with just one person I could tell myself "he isn't seeing her anymore, he has been trustworthy." But her sees "her" every time he walks out the door. He has told me he wants this recovery and this family. But doesn't the fact that he has to do these "exercises" mean that there is really nothing special or attractive about me at all to him? Isn't it almost as bad as if he were gay? (Not that gay is bad, just if you are gay and being married to a heterosexual).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

This is very difficult because there are so many things to consider all of the time. I have not slept well since August, my head just has thoughts spinning through it until I am absolutely exhausted. I cannot relax anymore, this just keeps getting to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I admire you for working at this :). I pray that you and your husband find the answers you need, and, with God's love, ANYTHING is possible. So no, I don't think your marriage is doomed.

 

Nonetheless, I don't think it will be easy to forget his actions. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to the thoughts that come up. I think it's about just ignoring those thoughts, and replacing them. With what, I'm not sure, but something positive. What about him makes him your best friend?

 

Also, you can control your own actions. Are you romancing your husband? Do you treat him the way you did prior to marriage? With an 8-month old, it's probably impossible to recreate the dating period, but are you working on wooing him in the bedroom?

 

I think you have more power than you know dreamingoftigers. You've just got to learn to use it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is very difficult because there are so many things to consider all of the time. I have not slept well since August, my head just has thoughts spinning through it until I am absolutely exhausted. I cannot relax anymore, this just keeps getting to me.

 

God does not want us to worry. He is in control, and has the best plans for those who love him. You will get through this, and the absolute best outcome for you will prevail. Just rest, knowing that God is holding you close right now, and does not want to see you in pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

_I_ have always been the one trying to "woo" in the bedroom, even after our daughter came along. There certainly wasn't much interest when he was looking at porn all the time. He has told me that he put off having sex with me to watch porn and that I could never be as arousing as the porn (this was before counselling, but I am not about to ask again).

After the last bout of crap from him, I threw out all of my sexy night wear ( not in a big fit or to shove it in his face or anything) because it just reminded me so much of being rejected and all the pain I felt over it. I am not sure that I can be intimate again with him after the celibacy period is over.

He says he misses showering with me, but I don't even change my clothes in front of him or anything anymore, I do not plan to EVER shower with him and don't really know if I can be naked in front of him anymore, I just feel too ashamed, and I am so awkward after the way my body changed from having our daughter. He says he wants more kids, but even remembering being pregnant with everything that went on makes me feel so much anxiety and shame. These are more reasons I am not sure if our marriage can recover.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dreaming-I'm really sorry for your pain. I hope your husband can work through his issues. Once again, I REALLY admire you for not just giving up in a heartbeat, especially for the sake of your daughter. You seem like a very strong woman, and it is an honorable trait to exert that strength for the wellbeing of your child.

 

As you go through this trial, please remember you're not alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jennie-jennie

Being the exSO of an alcoholic and a member of Al-Anon for years, I googled if there was anything similar for the family of sex addicts. I found COSLAA, Codependents of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. You can find help by talking to others in the same situation as you are. I once got invaluable help that way myself.

 

You did say something about meetings. Is your husband then already attending SLAA? Hopefully he will get help there. Just make sure that you too get the help you need.

 

I have a book here which talks about different types of affairs, among them the Sexual Addiction affair. It is called "Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment" by therapist Emily Brown. Perhaps you could get hold of it and read about the basics of the sexual addiction affair and the treatment for the addict and his spouse. It does say that the prognosis for resolving issues for these kind of affairs is poor, but your husband is already in counseling, so let's hope he has a better than average chance. It also states that the spouse must get help herself.

 

Good luck. I know it is always so hard to deal with addictions. Remember that his addiction says nothing about the value of you or your body. Try to keep your selfesteem intact.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Dreamingoftigers,

 

My heart goes out to you. Kudos to you for trying so hard to live with that impossible man. But you seem to think that pretty girls have better luck. Let me assure you that's not the case. Im pretty and fit and yet my husband is a miserable cheater. You have to understand that he is the problem not you so please don't go blaming yourself for anything. He is the unfortunate one who cannot stick to his vows and is causing you and your daughter so much pain. I too am struggling so hard to keep my marriage from breaking up. I wish you courage and hope time will heal your wounds and improve your situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

The whole polygamy thing comes up every time I discuss this with anyone.

My husband and I are LDS. WE ARE NOT POLYGAMOUS! The church has not been polygamous for over 100 years and has a very strong stance on infidelity.

Not to knock anyone else's church or belief, but the LDS church has better family values then most others I know. They strongly believe in reconciliation and divorce as only a VERY LAST resort.

 

Looking at pornography and meeting with other women could get you ex-communicated if the behaviour doesn't cease. The church has not turned a blind eye to this or given the okay in any form. Quite the opposite.

 

Furthermore, even if the church had given the green light on polygamy (WHICH IT HAS NOT IN OVER 100 YEARS) my husband was not married to any of these women, nor had the intent to become married to any of these women.

 

And to the above post, yes my husband attends SA. When he is actually attending it. Apparently we are having another "sick day"

Link to post
Share on other sites
jennie-jennie

And to the above post, yes my husband attends SA. When he is actually attending it. Apparently we are having another "sick day"

 

Well, he knows where to find help now then. The rest is up to him. Have you checked out COSLAA's website? You can read about it and see if it fits you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BlueeyedJonesy

Dreaming, you are not alone in this. There are alot of people here with similar stories. Reading your post brings tears to my eyes because the way you are feeling is exactly the way I've felt and still do somedays. I wish I could hug you, because I know the pain you are feeling. So is your H willing to go to a counselor? My H was caught in a web of lies a few years ago before we were married and he tried the whole.."this is just the way I am..I can't change but I will seek counseling" then here we are with babies and marriage and things have really blown up now..and he has a completely different attitude. He is very much so in recovery but it takes 110% of his effort to move forward. Please seek help for him, and if he isn't willing to do it, then your only choice is to walk away...trust me this will not only slowly kill your marriage..it will kill you as well. If you ever want to talk you can PM me.One more thing....don't look at this as your fault..don't try to pick yourself apart or do crazy sexual things with him to satisfy his hunger...this will only hurt you in the end. His problems have NOTHING to do with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

Thank you for your responses.

 

In Calgary they have S-Anon. I do not feel this group will help me because it automatically labels me a co-dependent simply because I married a sexually addicted spouse. I do not think it is logical to diagnose a condition in someone just based on who they are married to. I did not knowingly marry a sex addict, and I am not supportive of his behaviours.

 

I do not find the group a good fit because I find it humiliating.

 

Many of the symptoms of codependency are the same as trauma responses. I believe I am having trauma responses day in and day out. No one labels the victims of adultery as being codependent to the adulterer, yet I have the same trauma symptoms as them. I cannot sleep and have not been able to sleep properly for months, I used to be able to relax and fall asleep ( In fact I resent that my husband can still do this). Now my mind races until I exhaust myself. I sleep perhaps about 4 -5 hours a night, which is okay every now and then, but it has been months.

 

Yes, my husband is in counselling, he has been since he admitted he was a sex addict. It seems to help, but my problem is if it is actually worth staying with someone that has not only been unfaithful but will have to urge to be for the rest of his life because he has an "attachment problem." There will always be substantially more risk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dreamingoftigers

I also don't know if the emotional and physical symptoms I have will ever stop, especially if we are still together

Link to post
Share on other sites
jennie-jennie
Thank you for your responses.

 

In Calgary they have S-Anon. I do not feel this group will help me because it automatically labels me a co-dependent simply because I married a sexually addicted spouse. I do not think it is logical to diagnose a condition in someone just based on who they are married to. I did not knowingly marry a sex addict, and I am not supportive of his behaviours.

 

I do not find the group a good fit because I find it humiliating.

 

Many of the symptoms of codependency are the same as trauma responses. I believe I am having trauma responses day in and day out. No one labels the victims of adultery as being codependent to the adulterer, yet I have the same trauma symptoms as them. I cannot sleep and have not been able to sleep properly for months, I used to be able to relax and fall asleep ( In fact I resent that my husband can still do this). Now my mind races until I exhaust myself. I sleep perhaps about 4 -5 hours a night, which is okay every now and then, but it has been months.

 

Interesting to hear your view on this. Well, to be honest with you, I never liked the term "codependent" either, which is one major reason I was a member of Al-Anon not ACOA. In Al-Anon they talk about "enablers" instead, but I figure you would not like that terminology either?

 

Trauma responses - I can relate to that. I figure I was pretty traumatised when I left my relationship with my SO. My MM felt like he was walking on a minefield talking to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dream, of all the addictions, sex addiction is the toughest one to battle and overcome.

 

Like Jennie, I also attend Al Anon on a regular basis. I'm with an alcoholic and yet, I had no idea he was an addict when I met him. He hid it well.

 

I don't come from a family of addicts nor was my ex of 11 yrs an addict. I have great friends, a great job etc. so how did I end up with an addict, right?

 

I've come to the acceptance that yes, I am a codependent. It's not a bad term. Many women have many codie tendencies. It's not something to be ashamed of.

 

From reading your story, I won't say you're a codependent, but I can say this, someone who has healthy thoughts patterns would not be with any addict nor stay in an unhealthy relationship. Even due to kids or religion.

 

There are so many subtle hints of why we pick the people we do, and we may not even realize we pick certain people.

You may not have know your H was an addict, but I'm sure he has other character tics of an addict.

 

Like you, I was ashamed to walk into Al Anon to talk about my life and my BF. My BF and I are both highly educated, have great jobs, live good lives so this was hard for me to admit.

But admit I did. I'm in therapy now working on my own unhealthy thought patterns.

 

You don't have to go to a meeting and even talk, but the BEST thing you can do it go to a meeting and listen.

They say a codie and addict cannot make it unless they are both working a program of recovery. If your H is trying to come to terms with his addiction, they you may want to think about becoming healthy with him.

 

There are also on line meetings.

 

And like someone above said, this is not about you and your looks or if you're a good person, the addict is self indulgent and their actions are ALL about them and their void

 

Good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses

Honey, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know a good number of women in their 40's who are dealing with this type of thing. Everyone of them could relate to your symptoms. Some however, have learned to "deal" or live with it but it's not something I would recommend to anyone, ESPECIALLY someone who is younger.

 

I want to address your opinion of yourself. When a woman goes through something like this, it is completely normal for her self-esteem to be shattered, no matter how beautiful or ordinary she was. This didn't come to be because of YOUR looks. Your H has a problem that has NOTHING to do with you.

 

If your finances are down the drain, then they can't get much worse. Your D is young enough NOW that the divorce will not have an enormous impact on her. I realize that you do not believe in divorce, and I'm with you there, me neither, I don't have to be in the happiest situation on earth, to uphold my vows and keep my family together, no one said it was going to be easy... ect... BUT, that doesn't mean its the best decision. How can you ever be a great role model, and good mother, teach your daughter about love and happiness when you are battling something that is tearing apart everything that you ever were??? You can't, honey. I realize that your H is going to meeting and getting help, but there isn't even a way to monitor his improvement, unless you are going to trust what he tells you, and YOU will never trust anything that comes out of his mouth again, you will question everything. The only way to stay is to simply learn NOT TO CARE AT ALL. Its possible, but noway for a young woman to live, not at all. Its also hell, getting to that point completely.

 

I know that there are no words to take away your pain or to make your situation easier. I hope you will do what is best for you and your sweet D. Neither of you deserve to be in this situation, I hope you find the strength to get you both out.

 

Everyday holds a blessing for you of some type, make it a priority not to be so caught up in the ugliness that you miss it. I look forward each day to receiving one or more, kind of like finding that toy in the cereal box, you know its coming, just not when. I'm sorry if I have missed this, but do you have close friends or family members who could offer emotional support?

Link to post
Share on other sites
We moved across the country and opted for more marital counselling. Eventually in November he told me that he could not stop looking at other girls and that he thought he could not be happy and monogamous. After that we have started going for sexual addiction counselling.

 

I have said this before on this board, having a different value system (he does not desire monogamy) =/= being a sexual addict. That does not make it less of a problem, nor does it serve to mitigate your pain, but it does require a different plan of action. Treating for an addiction that likely does not exist will accomplish nothing. If he does not value monogamy in a relationship, whether along emotional lines (as in he wants a bonafide polyamorous relationships) or strictly physical (he's interested in FWB's and swinging), IMO he's not likely to change, and it seems very likely that you DO desire monogamy that you're equally unlikely to change, so at the end of the day you might have a good old Mexican standoff.

 

One thing that perplexes me a bit is why he's seemingly uninterested in having a healthy sex life with you. I can make a guess, but it's just that. He wants a woman with *Strong, Edgy, and Open* sexual attitudes, and he doesn't see that in you. Your comments of not letting him see you naked, of disposing of sexy clothing, your attitudes towards porn. Perhaps he wants a woman who likes porn, who wears sexy clothing on a regular basis, and who doesn't mind sharing their nakedness even outside the core relationship. I say that because that is what I desire in a woman, and I, like your husband, do not desire or value (physical) monogamy. The difference is that I found a wonderful woman who shares my values, so rather than being labled as an addict (which by your standards, I almost certainly am) instead we just have a great relationship where everything simply works.

 

So, my advice? I'm afraid I have little, as I am not sure I see a resolution that makes everybody happy. You could get him to agree to monogamy (as you define it) and he might even live up to your expectations, but I expect resentment would come along with it. Or you could change your standards to match his, but I think that could blow up in your face unless you really mean it. People who truly value monogamy and people who don't make poor couples.

 

Sorry for the long-winded note, but when I see accusations of 'addiction' being thrown around which are really clashing value systems, I think it's important to note it as such.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a man I find it sad that this guy lies to his wife like this. You see right through his lies as any one who is unlucky enough to get close with him does. This man has already left you through his actions, and he is breaking your soul. You should leave him for your sake and your daughters sake. Make sure you hold him financialy responsible for the baby you both had.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jennie-jennie

One thing that perplexes me a bit is why he's seemingly uninterested in having a healthy sex life with you.

 

I believe the above is exactly what shows it is an addiction, not a different value system.

Link to post
Share on other sites
QueenVictoria
My husband and I have been married for three and a half years and together one year before that. We have an 8-month old daughter.

 

He has lied and LIED AND LIED about cheating on me for two years. (at least)

 

It turned out that he had been viewing porn and lying about it. Finally I solidly confronted him on it. He admitted it and my heart was broken because he had been so sexually rejecting of me since we got married. We barely had any sex on our honeymoon. We wen to marital counselling for a few months and he lied to the counselor the whole time.

 

Finally his lies came crashing down when I was able to go through his computer after he wasn't able to delete his history. He had been online dating all through my pregnancy and after I gave birth to our daughter. I believe he has had multiple affairs, even though he denies this. I suspect he was having encounters when I was in the hospital with our daughter after I gave birth.

 

We moved across the country and opted for more marital counselling. Eventually in November he told me that he could not stop looking at other girls and that he thought he could not be happy and monogamous. After that we have started going for sexual addiction counselling.

 

He has told me that he has found even just telling me to be very therapeutic and he has not been "triggered" as much. The specialist we are seeing has told me that the prognosis for his recovery is very good and that there is a lot of hope for our marriage. He is attending meetings. He doesn't like to hug or hold hands with other addicts at the meetings but he does it anyways. He is trying. We are having 3 months of celibacy at the recommendation of the specialist.

 

I think I may hate him. I do not trust him within an inch, every time I see a pretty girl, I want to crawl in a grave and die. I cry at work, I cry at home. I clean houses and sometimes I stop on the job and cry in the washrooms. I have never felt so worthless, even when I was suicidal. I know I am not a pretty girl and I never had super-high expectations of the partner I ended up with, but I did expect loyalty. I felt like all of the prettier people in the world had so much more going for them and I just wanted my little family and now I cannot even have that day-to-day. My worth is nothing to him when he sees someone with a nicer ass. Our history does not trump a pair of new breasts on an 18-year old.

 

Is this actually temporary or is my marriage a pit of **** and misery?

 

No, it is not worth it. Try not to get pregnant again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

One thing that perplexes me a bit is why he's seemingly uninterested in having a healthy sex life with you. I can make a guess, but it's just that. He wants a woman with *Strong, Edgy, and Open* sexual attitudes, and he doesn't see that in you. Your comments of not letting him see you naked, of disposing of sexy clothing, your attitudes towards porn. Perhaps he wants a woman who likes porn, who wears sexy clothing on a regular basis, and who doesn't mind sharing their nakedness even outside the core relationship.

 

.

 

Problem with your theory: she threw her lingerie away and started concealing her body from him AFTER she began uncovering evidence of his infidelity, and, as I read it, AFTER he told her she would never be as arousing to him as pornography and/or sex with other women...her actions were reactionary to his behavior, not precipitant of it. I personally am both sexually confident and adventurous and if my husband made me feel insecure and unloved by pulling away from sex with me, sleeping with other women behind my back and telling me I was sexually inferior to porn I wouldn't want to bare myself to him either, he would have badly wounded my self-esteem with both words and actions.

 

I know you have an agenda to demystify your own lifestyle and honestly I respect that and have no problem with open marriages, swinging, or polyfidelity. I agree with you that if they simply have two different value systems around this they will have a perhaps-impossible time reconciling as a couple. However I think you are blaming her for his problem here in an unfair and probably hurtful way.

 

OP, I also believe that marriage is not to be taken lightly and it does sound like you have worked and worked and worked to try to meet this man in the middle. I think it's time for you to take some personal time and space and figure out what makes YOU happy for a little while. You are under too much strain, don't let yourself get to a breaking point.

Edited by Stung
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know you have an agenda to demystify your own lifestyle and honestly I respect that and have no problem with open marriages, swinging, or polyfidelity. I agree with you that if they simply have two different value systems around this they will have a perhaps-impossible time reconciling as a couple. However I think you are blaming her for his problem here in an unfair and probably hurtful way.

 

I certainly hope my advice was not taken as an effort to forward any agenda, it certainly wasn't intended as such.

 

I just cringe when I see accusations of sexual addiction banded about willy nilly, especially in a case like this where the OP's H is ON THE RECORD as not being a fan of monogamy in principal where she clearly is. I'm not saying he's right and she's wrong, so long as they're both being true to themselves it's not a matter of right and wrong, just "wrong for each other".

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...