Distraught and Depressed

[Broken Heart]

Two weeks before our 9th wedding anniversary, I came across a photo that had been downloaded onto our computer. The picture was of a pretty woman, fully clothed and not distasteful, however, sexy and alluring. As I found out, it was a current picture of my husband's ex girlfriend of 4 years when they were in school (we are all 38 now). His mother told me that he had got her pregnant twice at the age of 14 and paid for abortions.

 

When my husband got home from work that day, I asked him if he knew about the photo. He told me it was an old friend of his he had run into during lunch one day. He couldn't answer why she would have emailed him a photo if they had just run into each other (lie #1). So then his story changed. He had been carrying her business card around in his wallet for the last 11 years and recently found it (true, it was in his wallet in her maiden name). They had got together 11 years ago when my husband's first marriage ended in divorce. She was engaged to another man at the time so they couldn't start a relationship, but she still was there to comfort him, whatever that means.

 

His next version was that he had called her at her old work number and she still works there (she is in real estate management working for her mother's business since out of school). He told me that she was married and has a little boy (lie #2- divorced in 97), where her parents live, and they have only communicated twice by his cell phone and some email. Well, since my husband works in construction for his parents, I requested a copy of his cell phone records from them. It revealed at least 8 calls he had made to her in a two week period. The records only show his out going calls, not the incoming.

 

The emails between the two of them were all permanently deleted, except for one. At 6:00am a couple of mornings after all this came out, he emailed her "What the _ _ _ _ is going on.....? It sure seems to me that he made it look like I sent her that question, but he denied that too (lie #3). His cell phone records prove that he called her later that day and I'll bet cold hard cash that I was to blame for that email. You see, he told me that at the beginning of their first phone conversation, he asked her if it was wrong for him to have called her, that it felt wrong, and she talked him out of feeling guilty. Of course she did, she's single and wanting some maintenance I'm sure.

 

A few days later, my husband called me from work and invited me and our 8 year old out to his job site for lunch. When we got there, he sent me to the store for ice. I drove his truck and he keeps his wallet in the console. I opened the wallet and found her old business card with her home phone number updated and a copy of her photo he had downloaded all cut out nice and neatly folded. I flipped out into tears and couldn't't't believe this was true. I drove back to the job site and confronted him again with the evidence in hand. He threatened me to lay off of all the questions or he was going to go do what he was being accused of. I collected our son and came home.

 

There are so many unanswered questions that riddles my brain. Red flags left and right. He says nothing happened, but with the previous lies, the trust is gone. He knows where she works (less than a mile from our home) and he knows where she lives (mapquest leaves a trail of last address look ups). I do not blame her at all, he called her and started this mess. I have not found any other contact or communication between them (it's not for a lack of looking). I am not getting over this, it continuously haunts me. I've been to my doctor and to a therapist to help me sort out my feelings, but I still love him and we share a son. My closest family is 1000 miles away. My life is upside down. I am physically sick and emotionally wasted. Can anyone give me some advice or share their learning experience please? Thank you.

[Tony T]

This may be a riddle to you but it's not a riddle to me. Your husband cannot be trusted, he still has a torch for this old girlfriend and it's highly likely that if he hasn't acted on it he eventually will or he certainly wants to. If I were you, I would sit down with him and tell him if he wanted his marriage to continue, he would have to shed his wallet of all pictures of her, stop contacting her and email her letting her know that he cannot contact her any longer.

 

If he refuses to do the above, split. But how would you even trust that he wouldn't find some underhanded way of communicating with her anyway. He does have her phone number.

 

This is a real sticky one. We aren't talking a few months or a few years here....he's been in love with this lady for over a decade. I think you have been seriously betrayed and if I were you I'd be very angry and very sad...and I'd be packing.

 

Perhaps you can both go to a counsellor and see if there's some way to straighten this out. Are there any really competent counsellors in your area? If not travel to one. If you can't get things straight there to your satisfaction, I just don't see how you could continue to live this way.

 

I also don't think a separation would work. That would just give him time to make more calls to his other honey.

 

I'm so sorry...this situation is making me sick too.

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I'm also glad you're not one of those women who just brushes "red flags" off...that you've taken the initiative to look into the 'signs' you've noticed.

 

Yes, things do look awfully suspicious and I can totally understand why you don't trust him.

 

What bothers me the most with your husband, is this:

 

I drove back to the job site and confronted him again with the evidence in hand. He threatened me to lay off of all the questions or he was going to go do what he was being accused of.

 

Wow, what nerve! What a telling response from someone (a married man) who's been flat-out busted for having an ex g/f's picture and business card in his wallet. The fact that he took the actual time to cut out her picture and keep it in his wallet.....that says it all right there. I hate to say this but I would think this indicates that he's got deep feelings for her. The fact that he had the audacity to "threaten" you if you didn't lay off, he is scum.

 

Yes, you love him and share a son together, and you're 1000 miles from family....but none of these are reasons to remain with someone who you can't trust, who's lying to you, who's very likely carrying on behind your back.

 

I firmly believe that the root of loving someone is "RESPECT"...and can you really say you respect your husband for his dishonesty, lies, disloyalty to you?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd likely have taken note of her number and given her a phone call and asked her what is up between her and my husband (not that she likely doesn't already know he's married to you)...just to let her know you "know".......you have every right in the world to contact any woman whose number is found in your husband's wallet, despite what he might tell you.

 

I would also consider kicking his ass out..........but first, I would contact a lawyer to find out your rights for a "separation" in terms of whether you'd get stuck having to support you and your son or whether he'd be obligated (and it could be enforced) to maintain the rent/mortgage payments, child support, etc. You shouldn't have to leave your home, nor should you have to put up with a guy who's horsing around.

 

Hopefully others will have better advice, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[midori]

I tend to think that marriages can be saved even if a partner strays or thinks about straying, but based on the info you've given, I must agree with Tony and JaG2 that it's not looking good at all.

 

I suspect that the only reason your husband hasn't already left you for the other woman is his sense of guilt about being the sort of person who does this to his family. But the guilt isn't strong enough to keep him from calling her, from carrying her picture (!!), etc., so I think it's only a matter of time before he's able to rationalize things such that leaving you is a reasonable thing for him to do.

 

Maybe he'll keep pushing you, leaving "clues" for you to find, getting you more and more resentful and angry. Then you'll provide him with "justification" for doing what he wants to do. He already threatened that when confronted with your perfectly reasonable anger and dismay. He'll cast it as you being irrational. It's such a sneaky and cowardly way to go. If he's in love with someone else, he should just have the courage to tell you and leave.

 

He's not going to do that because he doesn't want to be responsible for abandoning his wife and child. And also because he doesn't know for sure that things with the other woman will work out. So he'll carry on as he has been until you can't take it anymore. He can blame you for it all that way.

 

My advice is to seek legal counsel ASAP about getting him out of the house, or you leaving with your son -- and as JaG2 has suggested, finding out what your rights for support, etc. will be. And then I'd tell him the marriage is over and you're filing for divorce. Be calm with him -- vent your emotions to friends, your therapist, and here. But not to him -- that's just playing into his hands. Simply tell him that you're not willing to maintain a charade of a marriage when his heart is engaged elsewhere. Tell him you want to end things as amiably as possible for your son's sake, and that if things continued as they have been your relationship with him would deteriorate badly. So you're just facing the inevitable.

 

If I'm reading him right, your husband is an immature, selfish man who is determined to not take responsibility for his own behavior in the marriage. A man who has a lot of growing to do before he'll truly be an adult capable of shouldering the responsibilities he has already signed up for. It's unfortunate, and I know it'll be tough for you in the short-term. But the alternative is to stay in the impossible situation you've described, until you can't bear it any longer. By then you will have suffered 10x's what you have so far, and the end result will be more or less the same: your marriage will be over.

 

Act now, from a position of relative strength and composure. It'll be hard now but it'll be so much harder later. And you'll be so much more angry, so much more resentful and tired and emotionally battered.

 

Don't think for a minute that the other woman will have won anything worth having. His "love" for her is just as immature and selfish as his love for you is. She'll probably find herself with a cheating partner before too long. Makes me wonder about the circumstances of his first failed marriage.

[Broken Heart]

I just wanted to thank you 3 members for backing up what my mind has been fighting my heart over for 2 months. I am truely suffering, I have never had any indication that this is how my marriage would end up. I've been told that he is experiencing a mid life crisis and I am wrapped up in the short end of it. I did tell him and his mother that I was going to leave him when all of this was happening. His snappy response was "Then our son will not have a father." I guess that was a guilt trip for me and he knows our boy is my weak spot. I didn't leave because I do love him so much, but I think you may have hit the nail on the head. One of you suggested his sense of guilt about not being that sort of person, he is real touchy on situations that may bring embarrasment to him. I am very resentful and angry, and he has casted the entire situation as if I have over reacted to some phone calls and emails. He told me "Wow, what would you have done if someting really happened?" If it was as innocent as he claims, then why would it have to be hid from me? Why would he be so worried and asking her how to delete the picture off our computer? Either she's not to smart, or smart as a fox because it wasn't deleted. Any way I look at it, the deception and betrayal is so over bearing, I will carry this pain to my grave. It will be a very long time before I will be able to trust another man or become involved in a relationship. Thank you for taking the time to hear and help answer my life shattering problems. I can't guarantee that I won't be back for more moral support on this issue. It will be a long hard road, but I will survive.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It seems there are really no questions left to be answered. You have all the information you need...you just aren't ready to accept the truth yet. It's a shock, I'm sure, and denial is to be expected until you've finally cleared your head. But I guarantee, once you've had an opportunity to process the bombshell that's been dumped on you, your pain will turn to anger...and then strength.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope you put your own happiness at the top of your priority list. Obviously, your husband isn't going to help you with that. He's too interested in his own.

[Just A Girl2]

I can't guarantee that I won't be back for more moral support on this issue. It will be a long hard road, but I will survive.

 

Come back here any time you need to vent or need some support, okay?

 

And your husband's responses really floor me....him implying that you've overreacted, and something along the lines of asking how you'd have reacted if something was really going on. How arrogant, rude and hurtful.

 

And this crap/guilt trip of his, that if you leave him his son won't have a father. Oh, so in his mind it would be better for his son to have a cheating/lying/disrespectful ROLE MODEL as a father; one who's deeply hurt his mother? And....perhaps your husband should have thought about the potential consequences (you leaving) prior to horsing around behind your back. Do NOT let him lay guilt trips on you.

 

Nobody put a gun to his head. It's clear he chose his ex over you and his son; his family. And NOW he's going to be all concerned about his son? A little too late. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.

 

He sounds like the immature type who will simply not ever take responsibility for what he's done. He will simply twist things around to take the focus off of himself, accusing you of overreacting, accusing you of being paranoid, then accusing of you of breaking up your family (if you leave) and hurting his relationship with his son. Don't fall for this emotional/mental abuse because that's exactly what it is.

 

And tough t*tty said the kitty, to him not liking to be embarassed. If anyone has brought embarassment on themself, it's him; single-handedly. Shame on him.

 

Please DO go and see a lawyer ASAP......at least here in Canada, a lot will give you a free 30 minute consultation (in person). Find one who specializes in divorce/family law. Preferably a woman because I've found from experience that a woman lawyer is easier to talk to/relate to. By seeing one, that doesn't mean you have to decide right now to file for divorce..but you're simply taking steps to become as informed as you can so that should you leave him/boot his arse out, that you're not left high and dry with a son and yourself to support.

[maria]

to broken heart...........

hang in there my friend.......... i to,went thru far worse than that.

it's been over a year now,since my husband cheated on me.

it's like my heart,is now STONECOLD!

the really bad thing about you situation,is being so far away from your family.

but,hey!!! you do have us!!!!!

 

i sure could use a friend.

i sure wish,i knew of this site,when it all was happening to me.

i do love this site,im so thankful for every last advice,that's been giving to me.

you can move on in life. but the pain,hurt,and the shame will never go away.

it's funny you know.

how a spouse tries to turn the wheels back on the one,who catches them cheating! my husband tried that tactic to,but didn't work lol.

 

also,for that midlife crisis thing,that's totally bullcrap.

that's just another excuse,to try and blame.

NOT TRUE!

 

after 20 years of marriage,and i finally,after 3 years, got proof of the affair.

quote my husband told me this""" it's like this,i have "always loved her"always have,and ALWAYS WILL"!