to confront or not to confront?

[1_hangininthere]

I separated from my husband last february. The short story is cheated on me 3 times in our 15 year marriage. But I finally left him last February because he became friends with 2 girls and was spending WWAAYY too much time with them. He swore they were just friends and that it was "groups" of them hanging out. I told him to stop spending time with these girls, he continued so I left him. I didn't have proof of a sexual affair only gut instinct and his past behaviors.

 

For months after I left him I felt guilty and sad about breaking up my marriage and family based on circumstantial evidence. In my defense there was ALOT of circumstantial evidence. Anyway about a month ago he went out of town and asked me to keep an eye on the pool. Because I have always wanted to know what exactly was going on with these 2 girls, I snooped. I probably shouldn't have but I have been looking for answers to relieve my guilt. (Lets call the 2 girls M and B.) I found pictures of these girls (nothing sexual but he was spending TONS of time with them.), a gift from m, a gift from B, his Christmas card list (he was sending cards to the first 3 girls AND M and B), reservations for a ski trip, it goes on and on. BUT the smoking gun was a letter from M saying that she thought their connection was more than sexual and she was devastated because he was sleeping with M but pining away for B. In other words he slept with B then M and M was pissed because he wasn't over B. 'scuse me???? what about W of 15 years???? he didn't take any time getting over ME????

 

He's my dilemma. He keeps trying to convince me to go to dinner with him so we can talk. He wants to try to salvage the marriage. But meanwhile he is still in contact with and spending time with M and B. The problem is I don't feel like I can confront him because of the way I got the information ...trespassing in his home. But I want to confront him and tell him what I know because I want answers and closure.

 

So do I confront him or just be glad that the two-timing-piece of.... is out of my life?

 

And as a side question, I found M and B on facebook. I have never confronted them or emailed them or anything. But boy do I want to. Mostly because I want to hurt them. My friends have convinced me nothing good would come of this, so I haven't done it. My question is, have any of you confronted the OW? Did you feel better after or just humiliated?

[Natureofbeast]

Forgive me. I am not sure if I understand. Are you still married to him? And is your contention that since he was involved with these women–and you suspected he was and given his past history, concluded he probably was and ended your marriage–or are you just separated and living apart?–and now you have found evidence to confirm your earlier suspicions by snooping in his home and you want to confront?

 

I guess I can not blame you the desire to confirm, but do you really think you will get the truth even if you confront him with the evidence you found? Seems to me the evidence you found probably does confirm you were right–which since you suspected it all along I would think has brought you some comfort of knowing you were right–albeit sad. I guess my question is what good would it do to confront him? For yourself?

 

You are saying too that you think he is wanting to recover the marriage? Well, I can see this as a good reason to expose, your grounds more or less of why you do not want to recover the marriage.

 

As far as emailing the OWs, sounds as if they might be jealous of each other already. Depends are how far you want to take this–how much trouble you want to turn on. You said you have kids and you are already out of the marriage–right? And you obviously still have some kind of working/ parental relationship with him as he asked you to look after his pool while he was out of town. I guess my concern would be for you, any efforts made to get concrete proof and or maybe to sabotage??? Might backfire on you. And sounds as if you have been through more than enough pain.

[foreal]

 

So do I confront him or just be glad that the two-timing-piece of.... is out of my life?

 

And as a side question, I found M and B on facebook. I have never confronted them or emailed them or anything. But boy do I want to. Mostly because I want to hurt them. My friends have convinced me nothing good would come of this, so I haven't done it. My question is, have any of you confronted the OW? Did you feel better after or just humiliated?

 

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is such a difficult way to live.

 

I think you should be glad your H is out of your life and move on...

 

What do you hope to gain by confronting him? ....you know what's up. And none of it is good and no good will come from a confrontation- unless you just like drama. Dinner? What is the point? He has cheated on you, not once, but several times and the evidence you found clearly shows he is quite handy at keeping women on a string....do you want to remain on one of his strings?

 

As for the OWs....again, confront them if you want drama. Or if you just feel compelled. But know that their reaction won't be anything that you expect and/or provide you with comfort and healing. I understand you want to hurt them...boy do I!...but nothing you can say to them or do will hurt them..unless you have some evidence that you can threaten them with (like nude photos you can paper their work with etc). Try to keep in mind their biggest pain is your Husband! He'll take care of all the dirty work...

 

I confronted MOW to no avail...she just lied to me. In the end, I realized she will get hers at some point. Actually, 'hers' is coming at her right now, in spades.

 

My revenge is living well. It really is sweet.

 

Hang in there, (((Hanginthere)))

[Spark1111]

sOMETIMES......Revenge does feel good for the short-term, but ultimately it will not help you heal.

 

As for dinner? A lying scumbag remains a lying scumbag until there is some consequence that will force him to want to change himself.

 

However, I do know of a situation where the separated wife contacted the girlfriends constantly, haranguing them with "He's still a married man! Stay away from him! He is still my husband and we want him back!"

 

Now, whether she wanted him back or not, I do not know!

 

BUT you should speak with an attorney! Divorce becomes almost automatic after a 1 year separation in my state.

 

However, you are not separated until you are LEGALLY separated in my state, and during that one year, judges USUALLY grant higher maintenance monies than you will ever see after a finalized divorce.

 

So.....until you know what you want to do about the relationship, you and your children SHOULD be living in the primary home.

[eeyore1981]

I agree to think long and hard before getting into it with the OWs.

 

I did, and mine turned out very well for me, but it's not for everyone. One thing that happened is her xH stopped by and got in my face and started screaming at me. I thought her xH was a different guy, so at first I thought this guy was her brother or bf. Anyway, I had a rough and tumble life growing up, and have probably had more than my share of fistfights, so when this guy got in my space I just stepped further into his and had him backing up. After about a half hour yelling match, we started talking, made nice, and are now on very good terms.

 

My point being, once you light the fuse on this, you have NO idea what is going to blow up. (I still wish I could have seen the look on my face when her xH told me who he was, lol.) You need to decide what you are willing to go through for whatever payoff you think you are going to get with confrontation.

[1_hangininthere]

Are you still married to him? And is your contention that since he was involved with these women–and you suspected he was and given his past history, concluded he probably was and ended your marriage–or are you just separated and living apart?–and now you have found evidence to confirm your earlier suspicions by snooping in his home and you want to confront?

 

Yes, Nature, we are legally separated and living apart. Since the time of the separation I have been dealing with alot of guilt about ending the marriage based on circumstantial evidence. AFTER I separated I found the proof that I was right about what he was doing. The information released me from my guilt.

 

I want to confront him for a couple reasons:

1. I want to yell and scream and get in his face about what a lying cheating flea he is.

2. I want him to understand how badly and deeply he has hurt me.

3. I want him to QUIT asking me to reconcile while he is still spending time with these girls- That is the most insulting part.

 

I don't want to confront him for a couple reasons:

1. I don't want him to know I still care enough to go digging through his belongings.

2. I don't want him to know I went digging through his stuff and "tip my hand". I figure once he knows what I know he will start constructing lies or whatever to try to get me back.

3. I don't want to give him the false impression that if he stops seeing these girls that I will consider a reconciliation.

4. I want him to come to me with the whole truth on his own. Not because I backed him into a corner.

 

And here is an interesting piece of trivia. ALL THREE people involved are Officers in the military. I could take them all down if I wanted to. THAT's why I want to confront the 2 girls. I want to scare the life out of 'em. Mind you, I probably will never confront them because I realize the damage it could do to not only them but my soon to be X as well. This may sound selfish, but I want a piece of that retirement. Furthermore, we have 3 sons and I do not want them involved in anyway, and so far H and I have done a very good job maintaining a good co-parenting relationship.

 

One more thing that is the hardest to admit. I still love him and I do miss him. I just have come to the painful and humiliating conclusion that my life will be just fine without him.

[Natureofbeast]

It sounds as if you have all your reasoning sorted out. & I understand the burning desire of a sort of in your (his) face resolution with him. May I say you are also very level headed and I applaud you this. And your reasoning not to act on it–for the kids and yourself sake--is very justifiable.

[bettermustcome]

I feel for you and am sorry someone would treat his wife of 15 years this way. Women's intuition is a gift that men just don't seem to know about..WE ALWAYS FIND OUT!! May take some time but the truth is eventually revealed.

I don't blame you for snooping, that is the way that I found out my bf of 6 years was up to no good. I had no solid proof of anything sexual but he was up to no good nonetheless and denied it fully, even after I found a picture.

I confronted the girl in question, and she actually gave me more truth than anyone else in this situation. And you know what, I felt so much better..just to get it off my chest, get it out there.

I confronted him also, and made absolutely NO apologies for finding what I found. Bottom line, your husband was up to no good, lied, and is continuing to lie..so you snooped and found the truth.

Confront everyone who you feel like you need to say something to, it doesn't have to be direct..write a letter or whatever it is. This is about you and I was suprised at how much relief I got from confronting my ex and the girl in question.

I would run through my head what I would say to them and it drove me nuts..finally I got it out. Who cares if they don't give a damn or are really so cold hearted, you deserve some relief so if you think getting your feelings out to the people who hurt you would make you feel better, than by all means I say go for it, just be sure it is in a way that you will not regret! Much love and best wishes!!