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Please help, I can't forget the past.


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I am 27 had have been with my wife since I was 14. We have been married for almost 4 years now and I truly hate myself for something I did almost 8 years ago. I love my wife and have told her that I was unfaithful but she didn't want to know any names or when it happened. My wife is beautiful woman that loves me dearly and seems to have forgiven me. She says the future is ours and we were young, let’s just forget it as long as it was before marriage, and it was. The problem is that is was one of our friends. It wasn't a 1 month relationship or running around behind her back but a mistake one night being very drunk and ended up kissing and petting. We stopped because we realized that we were completely stupid and we were hurting the one we love the most, my wife her friend. It didn't even last 5 minutes. I do love her dearly and would love for this too be resolved. The reason this is creeping up again is because I mentioned it to my friend that I told my wife I was unfaithful and have repented to her. He knows what has happened in the past and asked what she said about her friend. Well did the guilt ever come back again. He helped me through it a long time ago and now it's stuck back on my brain after it being bottled up for almost 8 years. I think that we can move past this and let it die with the past but I am confused on what to do. Please help, I don't want to lose my wife as we are quite happy and have many good years ahead and hope to have children someday soon. It was 5min that should never of happened but it did and don’t know what to do about it. It truly sucks that a stupid mistake can hurt so badly. I know I can’t tell her because that would only be selfish and stupid to bring up after so long but every time I here her voice I almost cry. We live 5000km apart now so only see her once a year or so but it still bothers me. What is wrong with me? This was 8 years ago? Please help me am I a terrible man?

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No, I definitely don't think you're a terrible man. I think you are a very sensitive man and are having a hard time letting go of the past. Not many husbands would have this guilt at all, much less over a few kisses and petting.

 

Let me get this right...you actually did not even sleep with this woman; you weren't married either? I'd say that you are beating yourself up over this for no reason. Not many men get drunk and know when to stop when it's with the wrong person. You did. Not that you should pat yourself on the back or anything because it was with her friend, but I really don't see why you are holding on to this when nothing really happened. Is it because you feel your wife should know who this girl was? I'd respect your wife's wishes that she does not want to know and let it be.

 

If it bothers you this much, maybe you should get some counseling but I really think you should at least try to move past this and look forward to the future you have with your wife.

 

Believe me, there aren't too many men and women (myself included) that haven't had too much to drink and then regret things that are said or done.

 

I hope I helped, maybe some others can shed some opinions as well.

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Your exaggerated concerns over such a trivial matter may be an indication you require councelling or psychotherapy of some sort.

 

Your wife has totally forgiven you....what you did lasted five minutes and did not include intercourse....what you did was 8 years ago...you have got a serious problem.

 

Your marriage is not in jeopardy and your life has moved on just find. I strongly encourage you to see a therapist at your earliest opportunity. You've got some issues that require immediate attention but have nothing to do with what you did. You have an abnormally strong conscience that will not serve you well.

 

Most of all forgive yourself. Hey, it's a rough world out there. You can't depend on others, you have to depend on yourself to be nice.

 

Man, get off this thing and get on with your life. And get to the bottom of why you are so obsessed with such a microscopic thing. There's either a lot more to this than you are telling...or you've got problems that require immediate professional help.

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Hi,

 

I think Tony is right. Whatever the cause of your guilt and self-doubt, it can't possibly be this minor thing that happened so long ago and has already been aired and forgiven. It seems likely that something else is bothering you, something you haven't identified yet and so you're mistakenly connecting it to this past incident.

 

Counseling can really help people sort out what's going on. Maybe you do have some psychological issues that need to be addressed, or perhaps you just need to get better at figuring out the sources of your emotions. Either way, talking to a trained professional in a structured environment would be a good start.

 

Good luck

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I actually made an appointment today to seek some help. I really don't know what is wrong. I like to think that I am a normal guy with normal problems that gets along with everyone. I hope to find out what the problem is because it is really awful feeling like this. When I do hear from you it really helps and would like to thank you. I have a great group of friends and they are really a great bunch but this isn't something I would like to share with them as they are mutual friends of my wives and mine. Like it has been said it happened so long ago and everyone else has forgotten it but me and that's what I hope to get help with. Thanks again.

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You're welcome. You've taken the first step in helping yourself by seeing someone. Good luck to you! :)

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I went to see someone and I think it will help. I found out a few things about myself and I am going to try and work on them. Getting back to my post I didn't show how good of friends my wife is with other lady. My wife has stood in her wedding she has actually stood in our wedding and they do talk quite regularly. I even talk with her and it has never been brought up or discussed. I guess the friend has just dismissed this as a huge childish mistake and so should I. I am just going to continue to love my wife and totally dismiss this as a mistake that was made as a drunk kid almost a decade ago and be proud of what I have today and move on. I found out I am a people pleaser and I guess I am just triing to make everyone happy. I don't want my wife to loose a friend, I don't want to loose a wife and I don't want her friend to loose my wives friendship. But somedays I feel like I should tell her but other days I just think it was a mistake and I should forget about it. I want I will go with forgetting about it but I am having trouble not telling her as it feels as though I am lying to her. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

 

help123

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Well look at it this way. What good would come out of telling your wife you got a little passionate with her friend? Do you think by telling your wife that you are going to forget it more easily? I doubt it. If anything, you'll feel worse because you know she told you she didn't want to know and then she will and it will be with a friend of hers yet.

 

What about the friend? I highly doubt she'd appreciate you kissing and telling. Are you hoping that their friendship will end? Is that what this is all about? Do you want the girl to go away so you aren't reminded of it everytime you see her or hear about her?

 

I truly think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here, unless there's more to the story than you're willing to tell. If I were you, move on and stop beating yourself up over a few kisses and passion that was over way longer than your inner thoughts about it are.

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I agree, forgive yourself. If you are paying your wife enough attention, playing with your kids if you have any, working and paying the bills, taking care of the cars and house, and especially maintaining a loving relationship with your wife... then I wouldn't think you would have enough time or energy to bother with the trivial past of some lame-brained friend of your wife's.

 

If there's more to it that you aren't saying, then you'll have to figure it out.

 

But otherwise, take a second honeymoon. And get on with living and loving.

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No, that's the whole story and no I don't want to hinder a friendship or my relationship with my wife. I will not say anything and just finally let it die. I am just a very honest person and have definitaly grown up over the years. I just wanted to be honest with her and when I told her I was unfaithful so many years ago, see didn't seem overly upset. Very dissapointed yes but when she didn't want to know who it really backed me into a corner. I know that I am to blame and I will deal with it. Over time the feelings and memories will die and things will go back to normal. Sorry for wasting your time and I will start to get on with my life and treat my wife like she should be.

 

Thanks,

 

help123

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You are a nice guy! Enjoy your life without the guilt.

 

Hey, look on the bright side, you told a bunch of strangers and

got it off your chest, and nobody thought that much about it.

 

:D

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