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He stopped lieing


foreal

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And now he is gone.

 

He left last nite after we put our son to bed.

 

We parted amicably. Both agreed we need time and space.

 

He came fully clean last a couple nites ago: broken NC all summer; he was in love with her (he's not sure if he still is); they did not use condoms (just the first couple times, then C ya!) and on and on. 8 months of gaslighting. 8 months of false recovery. He said he was just too ashamed and couldnt bare my pain (uh, I'm gonna say it is HIM who could not bare it). he says they ended it on Oct ('just sorta died') but that when i told her H and all that **** blew up, he called her and all the intense emotions came back..blah blah blah.....I was so angry but she was so calm, so 'nurturing' to him. Yea, i shoulda nurtured him more when I found out he kept naked pics of her, darn it, when will I learn??!

 

So. he's gone..ADIOS MUTHER***ER

 

 

And it feels so damn good! I woke up at 3am (the usual) and instead of laying there thinking how I'd like to bash his head in while he's sleeping, I looked and saw he wasn;t there, then rolled over and went back to sleep.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the extasy of being alone.

 

He says this is temporary. I said yes, it is. I am seeing a D lawyer (this week (2 in fact). He says he is not going to sleep with MOW, but he needs to get 'closure' regarding her cocaine addiction and herpes..I told him I'd just like a negative test result from that bitch.

 

He says when I discovered the A, he was trying to get out of it, but my discovery prematurely ended their 'intense' relationship. "we talked so much" "we are so compatible" "she always listened to me"....all the things I;ve heard the OW on this board say.......and I sat there thinking, yea, those 2 hour blocks of cocktails and blowjobs with no outside world or pressures on you, yes, now that is real, sustainable love.

 

Again, I just wanna herpes neg test. and no, I dont want to get a test, I've been humiliated enough..let that bitch get the test...my H is freaked out that she may have it..since condoms were not used (NOTE TO BSs, WSs DONT USE CONDOMS!).

 

Anyway, thanks to you all..so so smart you all are.....to the BSs and OW...you guys have been dead on.

 

It was hard to see him go, but I am so glad he is gone. I feel as though I can breathe again.

 

Free at last.

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(((((FOREAL!))))))

 

I am so sorry for you! How hard to realize all this time has been....a waste of your's!

 

On some level, you must have known, suspected, contact hadn't ended. You are a smart cookie, and you were very, very, angry.

 

Now, you realize your intuition was trying to scream to you what you already sensed: He was NOT fully re-engaged in committing to the marriage, because he was still in contact with her.

 

Take strength in knowing this. And that you will be okay.

 

I wish you peace!

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And as Oscar Wilde famously said: "Be careful what you wish for...because you may get it."

 

You now have peace of mind knowing your intuition was spot on, freedom to envision a future for yourself, with or without him, and the ability to breethe freely Because YOU WEREN'T CRAZY.

 

He too has the same; the chance to explore a relationship with a cocaine-addicted, herpes-infected intense woman who has cheated not once, but definitely twice (that is known of).:cool::cool::cool:

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(((((FOREAL!))))))

 

I am so sorry for you! How hard to realize all this time has been....a waste of your's!

 

On some level, you must have known, suspected, contact hadn't ended. You are a smart cookie, and you were very, very, angry.

 

Now, you realize your intuition was trying to scream to you what you already sensed: He was NOT fully re-engaged in committing to the marriage, because he was still in contact with her.

 

Take strength in knowing this. And that you will be okay.

 

I wish you peace!

 

Thanks Spark.

 

Yea, what a waste of time. And yes, i did know, in my gut..which is why over and over I begged him to com eclean...he kept saying he was, I knew all, blah blah blah....I really thought I was going insane..it wasnt until I told him that I was feeling vulnerable to losing my mind..I told him my gut says you are lieing, but my heart wants to believe you, please help me...even if you dont love me, dont you at least have enough compassion to help end my misery?

 

So he did.

 

He said MOW is this strong pull, he cant shake her.....then says he isnt sure why the love he once had for me is not coming back..I suggested perhaps b/c this whole time he's still been in contact with her, there is not much chance of me getting anywhere near his heart..

 

god! He made me think I was nuts! He kept blaming ME for our problems, that it was ME who was hindering our recovery..meanwhile he is still calling her, seeing her at work etc..what a prick.

 

talk about foggy.

 

You know, I am torn. On both hands, I want her test results to be neg for herpes, so I have no worries. On the other foot, I'd like her to refuse to get one which means yep she DOES have it, so he can see her for the lieing skank she is...i am so tired of this drama.

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He too has the same; the chance to explore a relationship with a cocaine-addicted, herpes-infected intense woman who has cheated not once, but definitely twice (that is known of).:cool::cool::cool:

 

Gosh, when you put it like that, I'd like to bang her too, so very appealing!!. She could nurture me while I cut up the coke and she wipes her sores off.

 

yea, I guess you could say I am happy to be alone at last...I think.

 

I am ****ed up.

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he's coming over today to see our son...should I leave when he gets here? or hang out on the periphery?? WTF to do??

 

anybody out there with advise on how to handle seeing him now?

 

He says this is temporary, that he just needs quiet time...but I am still moving ahead with Divorce. But I want to remain cordial for my son;s sake. And god help me, i still love that ******* and hope he pulls his head out of his ass before it is too late...I am on the edge.

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When my husband was begging to come home but still in contact with his OW after DDay, I sensed it was less about reconciling with me than with not losing his happy family time, a necessary component to his very compartmentalized affair life.

 

He still wanted to preserve the affair.

 

I stayed cordial, but GONE. I went out, but did not disclose my whereabouts. I became a big mystery to him because I did not feel he had a right to know about me and my social life anymore, only those parts that pertained to our children.

 

I'd say hello, have some things to do, and be gone! Ask what time you should return, and return.

 

You do not owe him your whereabouts. Plus, on some level, my children were very aware of the tension between us. I wanted to spare them that. So, if he was coming over for some reason, I put a big smile on my face, and then disappeared for however long he needed to be home.

 

At that time, I needed NC with HIM! Or as little as possible and only for the sake of my children.

 

I was not ready to be happy broken family for HIM.

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Foreal..........

 

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I wish I had some helpful answers.

 

Of all your H's wrongdoings, I think the gaslighting was the worst of all.

 

At least that's over now, for whatever comfort that provides...........

 

 

Is your son old enough to be left alone when your H visits?

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Foreal..........

 

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I wish I had some helpful answers.

 

Of all your H's wrongdoings, I think the gaslighting was the worst of all.

 

At least that's over now, for whatever comfort that provides...........

 

 

Is your son old enough to be left alone when your H visits?

 

Alone with H, yes..he is 3 years old...so yes, I can leave 9and would love to..I need a break!)

 

Thanks for the empathy/sympathy..I feel pathetic

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Foreal, you know you have my empathy, but having read this you also have my congratulations. Well done and long may those restful nights continue. But you know to be prepared for when he comes crawling back, right?

 

Make him take your son out, there's no need for you to leave your home.

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Foreal, you know you have my empathy, but having read this you also have my congratulations. Well done and long may those restful nights continue. But you know to be prepared for when he comes crawling back, right?

 

Make him take your son out, there's no need for you to leave your home.

 

THANK YOU!!

 

Wow, did not even consider having him take my son out...what a great idea!!

 

That sounds like a plan.

 

And hmm, prepare for him to come crawling back? I am not sure how to prepare for that..not sure that will happne..I'd like it to of course, but I have no hope or expectation of that.....but in case he does (it wont be today i am sure!) what do i do?

 

I know right now that I need some TIME away from him..he said yesterday that he's thinking of this as him just being away at a conference for a week:confused:

 

I was thinking "good for you, see you in court" all the while also thinking, "god please let him pull his head out of his ass, and when he does, please allow me to forgive him for all this".....

 

talk about confusing. gaslighting should be a crime.

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I was jumping the gun a little when I spoke about him crawling back, but it doesn't hurt to have that at the back of your mind because as sure as eggs is eggs he's going to at some point when he sees you moving forward, determined and once and for all, tired of his *****. You don't need to be blindsided by his whining and begging and you need to be very sure of what you expect from him whether or not you go through with divorce.

 

Take no actions that will give him any leverage, give him no promises and remain cool and in control. Even when your heart is about to explode. As 2sure advised me, get thee into IC, it will help you to make sure you can do things on your terms.

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I was jumping the gun a little when I spoke about him crawling back, but it doesn't hurt to have that at the back of your mind because as sure as eggs is eggs he's going to at some point when he sees you moving forward, determined and once and for all, tired of his *****. You don't need to be blindsided by his whining and begging and you need to be very sure of what you expect from him whether or not you go through with divorce.

 

Take no actions that will give him any leverage, give him no promises and remain cool and in control. Even when your heart is about to explode. As 2sure advised me, get thee into IC, it will help you to make sure you can do things on your terms.

 

 

thanks, I am in IC, have appt tomorrow. "Take no action that will give him leverage"..great advise. THANK YOU

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Well you're ahead of the game, girl! Now hustle, get those plans into action so he doesn't know which way to move. He's had control of the situation for way too long, now its your turn.

 

I'm rooting for you.

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torranceshipman
.......and I sat there thinking, yea, those 2 hour blocks of cocktails and blowjobs with no outside world or pressures on you, yes, now that is real, sustainable love.

 

Never a truer word spoken! And the fact that he'd try to hook up with a married OW with herpes says it all. PLUS I love the way he is trying to make you feel like s**t for telling her H, by insinuating that 'it was over but then you told the H, and it bought all my emotions back...' - i.e. 'bet you wish you didn't tell him now, hey, that'll serve you right'! What a loser. Good on you for getting rid of bad rubbish.

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Gaslighting is a crime..........in my book , anyways.

 

Your H had two options before him.

 

1. Come clean, and face the consequences of his indiscretions.

 

2.Continue to mislead you by lying after D-Day,knowing full well that you would be devastated by more lies. Knowing that your capacity for trusting,and therefore feeling safely and securely loved, could be damaged

beyond belief.

 

He chose number two.He decided that he would rather see you flounder in a sea of self-doubt, second-guessing your own perceptions, painting you out to be emotionally unstable when you questioned him:

 

"You're over reacting........."

 

"It's all in your head......."

 

"You just think that because you're insecure......"

 

Essentially, he used your own baggage against you. So he could continue

his own selfish pursuits. He was willing to risk your emotional well-being,your mental health, your very sanity itself................

 

...........for what???????????..................................................

 

To get his ego stroked by another woman.

 

He's the pathetic one, not you.

 

Until he can really, really see, and feel,and OWN..... the overwhelming amount of damage that his dishonesty caused, there can be no true reconciliation.

 

When,or if, he comes crawling back..........show him this post.And I hope that you will decide what's best for you...(and your son).

 

I know you feel pathetic right now.Been there myself.Feeling like you got played as a chump is a horrible,humiliating feeling. Just remember....

it's all on him. His actions only reflect on him. His cowardice.His weakness. You gave it your all, gave him a second chance.He's the one who blew it. He's the one who should be hanging his head in shame.

 

You have every right to hold your head up high.

 

((((((((((((Foreal))))))))))))

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You should get tested. I know it feels embarrassing, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about so you need to push those thoughts out of your head. I would not trust what she reports as her test results. Besides, there could be something there besides herpes that is easily treatable with antibiotics, but treatment is very important.

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You should get tested. I know it feels embarrassing, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about so you need to push those thoughts out of your head. I would not trust what she reports as her test results. Besides, there could be something there besides herpes that is easily treatable with antibiotics, but treatment is very important.

 

Thanks- I will get tested....but I want my H to request that she get tested....I want to know her reaction. It will either be one of complete disbelief "...how could you think such a thing? you're my soulmate! I'd never lie! My H just said that to get to you! or it will be, "oh yes of course i will, anything for you my darling knight in shining armor". Then she won't do it and just shine him on.

 

Either way, i will go get tested..not gonna tell him my results though or that I went...he can get his own damn test- he wants to get tested too, but like me, said he wants HER to do it so he knows if she lied to him....um, I'm gonna say she lied. He was too stupid to know she's been addicted to coke for 4 years (gee, that explains all her sniffing..she told him she had bad allergies!! And he bought it! Shows you how close and intense they were)

 

Oh for the love of god make this end soon.

 

I wanna bitch slap them both.

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You should get tested. I know it feels embarrassing, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about so you need to push those thoughts out of your head. I would not trust what she reports as her test results. Besides, there could be something there besides herpes that is easily treatable with antibiotics, but treatment is very important.

 

I want to second what Samantha says here. YOU get tested. Don't be embarrassed. YOU take care of YOU. Don't think for a minute that this former friend/ MOW will get tested to ease your mind or that she will tell the truth about her STD (if she has it) and jeopardize HER relationship with your H. You do NOT want this MOW and your CS to have any more control over your sexual heath.

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okay so which test do I get? Anyone with experience in this?

 

Online there are several blood tests..igg igm, etc/....the Igg (i think) says the test cant be done until you havent had sex in the last 6 weeks (I have).

 

So I have to wait till the new year.....I also read that the first 'outbreak' usually appears w/i 2 weeks of infection...but then I also read that it could happen years later..lovely.

 

is it wrong of me to hope my H got it and i got spared? I kinda feel that way, I know it is wrong, but why am I having to go thru this? B/c his dick forgot to ask his head to ask for an STD test.....oh, but they discussed it and she said she was clean.......

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okay so which test do I get? Anyone with experience in this?

 

Online there are several blood tests..igg igm, etc/....the Igg (i think) says the test cant be done until you havent had sex in the last 6 weeks (I have).

 

So I have to wait till the new year.....I also read that the first 'outbreak' usually appears w/i 2 weeks of infection...but then I also read that it could happen years later..lovely.

 

is it wrong of me to hope my H got it and i got spared? I kinda feel that way, I know it is wrong, but why am I having to go thru this? B/c his dick forgot to ask his head to ask for an STD test.....oh, but they discussed it and she said she was clean.......

 

I don't guess I should determine what is right or wrong for you to feel because I have not been in your shoes. I hope none of you have herpes. It's a gift that keeps on giving.... My best friend contracted it from an AP and unknowingly shared it with her physically abusive husband. They're divorced now, but it flares up at times and is lifelong. I couldn't wish that on anyone.

 

Call Planned Parenthood. They will be able to answer all of your questions and will be confidential. If you fear you have been exposed to Herpes, there could be other possibilities such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Both of those are curable -- I believe with specific types of antibiotics. I'm sure they will recommend testing for all of these -- perhaps others.

 

If you don't want to call anyone, I'm sure doing some Internet research will answer your questions. I like the Mayo Clinic's website. Additionally, you could search on the CDC's website.

Edited by Samantha0905
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okay, my plan for the day:

 

sitter gets here soon- off to a spa I go...

 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

 

Sitter will be here when H comes over....I'll sashay in after he's been here for awhile handling our 3 year old alone....

 

My son loves the sitter so he is already talking about what they will do (thank god, i was starting to get a guilt trip for leaving him, but he seems more than pleased to have her on her way).

 

I just need to decompress...My H says he needs quiet time, we both do..but I guess he forgot that while he is at his buddies home (single guy, no kids) getting quiet time, I am here with a toddler...not so quiet...so I am going to go spa for about 5 hours.....

 

sigh.

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Return home when you're sure he's gone.

 

my sitter will leave once he gets here..so I have to see him...damit!

 

We are telling our son today that daddy's going to a friends house for awhile...he already asked where he was this monring and I told him over at friends (son knows him well) and my son said, "oh! how nice!"

 

:)

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It's too bad you have to see him. Next time have your son ready and waiting at the door for pick up. Why allow him into your home? Don't accommodate him. You owe him nothing.

 

Reading your thread today made my little neck hairs stand up on end.

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