idiotguy Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Been trolling the net trying to find answers to my dilemma. Hoping to seek solace with similar stories, but have yet to find anything. Found this site and am hoping to get some concrete advice. I met a married woman in our company. we became closer to each other as friends at the beginning. but since she got problems with her married life, i always caught myself listening to her stories. in a way, i became her "confidante". her husband was cheating on her, and she has proven it herself. she told me she can't leave her husband because she doesn't want a broken family. i would always tell her that she doesn't deserve such treatment and if i was the guy, i would really love her so much. until one time, i told her that she has been my longtime crush even when she was still single. at first i tried to fight the attraction but in the end, i fell in love with her. perhaps, to lessen the pain she feels with her husband, she let herself fall in love with me too..that started our affair.. it was good at first..she would always spare some of her time just to be with me...she made me feel she was really in love with me and so i felt the same way for her..she would always tell me she really loves much..for 4 months, we have met in a private place only three times for a few hours.It's illicit, it's fun, it's fueled with raw emotion and passion. I am in love, lust, whatever you want to call it. I think of her every minute of every day. She feels the same way. then one day, her treatment with me has changed, she seemed cold, aloof, distant, whatever.... Bottom line. I love her and can't shake her from my mind. Do I walk away? Does this mean i am no longer important to her? Was i used? What do I do? Please help! I am slowly losing my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 she told me she can't leave her husband because she doesn't want a broken family. This is your first clue. I'm not going to cap on you for having an affair (I've been on both sides of the fence on this issue) but I do know that sometimes - rarely - affairs turn into long term relationships. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'd be willing to bet the farm your affair isn't going to be one of them. If she was willing to leave her husband, she wouldn't be pulling away from you. This is what I tell people who fall for married people. When they move out and get their own place, and you can drop by unexpectedly at any time, and can call their phone any hour of the night ... THEN you can move forward in the relationship. Until then, you're just wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak. Sorry guy, but it's time to move on, I don't see her wanting to make a Life Change right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiotguy Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 one thing i forgot to mention is that the relationship or affair, whatever, has been on and off...the first time she seemed cold and aloof, i conceived and accepted that she no longer wants to continue..but suddenly and out our nowhere, she will call and tells me she still love me...should i be the one to discontinue it, though i really love her? what's the best thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 End it. She's using you and jerking you around like a dog on a leash. Get out now before you waste more years of your life on someone who will never be yours and will just make you miserable. You're already miserable to the point of asking for advice on a website. There are a lot of wonderful single women out there - find one and enjoy a real relationship with someone who can love you fully and openly without going home to her husband every night. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Leave a married couple alone. Do not discuss a relationship other that to route her to a member of her gender or professional. Find work elsewhere. You have placed yourself into a very contrived position. People reveal all when over a barrel. What will you say to her husband when he calls you over. Have you proof that he is divorced? Call her when she is divorced. Right now you are thinking with the wrong head! Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 You have to do what works best for you in this situation. I don't think you are thinking with your wrong head. Perhaps your other head cares about her very much also. If she's married and has no plans on leaving the relationship, perhaps you should start dating a single someone. Your heart may not be in it at first, but perhaps you will meet someone and realize the married woman is just not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Let's look at this more practically. How would you feel if your wife was meeting a man for sex? You are contributing to the worst devastation this man could EVER experience. Many say it's worse than the death of a spouse. Some men kill themselves (I personally know 2 people that did) after discovering an affair. Some injure or kill the cheating wife. Some men hurt, beat or kill the affair partner....which would be you. At the minimum, the impact is DEVASTATING. My wife had an affair with a coworker which ended 2 years ago. Not a day goes by where I don't obsess over it. The idea of another man's dick in my wife's mouth is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. The amount of pleasure you receive IS NO WHERE NEAR the equivalent of the TRAUMA her husband will feel. I have gotten physically ill over this, and have been hospitalized. I lost 30 lbs, and I was slim to start with (got down to 132lbs). I have been in therapy to deal with the trauma. We both lost our jobs due to this, and now we are broke and loosing our house. I am not telling an unusual story, what I have experienced is quite common, and it can often be worse. LEAVE THE MARRIED COUPLE ALONE. By the way, even if you drop her now...her husband may find out later.....even years down the road. It happens VERY, VERY frequently. Discovery happens through snooping by spouse, or admission (if she felt she needed to confess), if she wanted to relaliate to make him angry, if she later had another affair that was discovered, though 3rd parties, etc. So, just when you think you have gotten past this, you may get a VISIT or a PHONE call......and then you will have to deal with it. Some get EVEN many, many years down the road. Get out now, run, break all contact. Then take a good look at yourself for doing something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 ok...so yes this is a very common scenario...A's are based on lies and that's the reality...but some of us do leave...I fell in love w my OM truly deeply in love and after a year of the A I moved out and in w my BF... I'm not trying to give u false hope...I'm just saying bthat if she is truly in love then she will do whatever it takes...and if she makes no attempts and backs off at times...then there are your red flags... Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 I believe the statistics on affairs working out is about 3%. And then you are still left with someone who is willing to have an affair behind their spouse's back, right? Whenever I see someone I like treat someone else very badly, I no longer assume that I will be the exception to the rule... I know I will be on the receiving end of the same thing sometime in the future....it's only a matter of time... The line about not wanting to have a broken home or whatever is pure crapola! I left my ex-husband, and got taken for 3/4 of my estate, because I was the one with the money, but I did it because I wanted out. If she wanted out enough, and wanted you enough, she would do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiotguy Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 that's the hardest part. i can't leave my present job right now because i'm afraid i might not be able to look for another one and i'm don't intend to just stay at home, doing nothing. yet what's worse is the fact that we're still working on the same company. as much as i want to ignore her, situations (or projects) sometimes force us to be working together. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 She's no better than her cheating husband, two wrongs don't make a right. If she can cheat on him, betray him and lie to him, she is capable of doing that exact same thing to you. Keep that in mind. She likes the attention and how you make her feel.. But has no intention of giving up what she has, her family life. YOU have to end it and be strong. Your heart is at stake here! You can look for another job in the meantime, don't have to quit right now. Also, ask for a transfer. And, when you do have to see or deal with her at work, keep it simple and professional. NO personal talks, or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author idiotguy Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 She's no better than her cheating husband, two wrongs don't make a right. If she can cheat on him, betray him and lie to him, she is capable of doing that exact same thing to you. Keep that in mind. this aspect is kinda hard for me to accept...although, you're right..she could easily do the exact thing to me...i was just so blinded by the fact that i have given my all to love her, thus i failed to see the exact reality...thank you....hope to hear more.. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Even if you feel like it's going to kill you, you need to walk away. Give yourself some time to heal, and find someone else who is 100% available. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 this aspect is kinda hard for me to accept...although, you're right..she could easily do the exact thing to me...i was just so blinded by the fact that i have given my all to love her, thus i failed to see the exact reality...thank you....hope to hear more.. You feed her ego, make her feel good, make her stomach have butterflies.. You help her through her rough times, listen to her, be her confident..Get sucked into her life and drama.....Notice how it's ALL ABOUT HER and not about you? She may 'like' you, even possibly love you, but it's ALL based on self serving and selfishness. It's totally inappropriate for her to be involved with you. And she knows this, which is why she's pulled back and plays the cat and mouse game with you.. Take a step back and take the blinders off abit more.. What if she's greatly exaggerated what's been going on at home? And, what if her H finds out about you? Are you prepared to talk to him if he confronts you? put yourself in his shoes (Reguardless that he may have cheated on her, hes' still her husband), how would you feel if she were your wife and she was off doing whatever with some other guy? You feel pain now, imagine it 2 years from now..End it and stay in NC forever. Seriously, ask for a transfer, start looking elsewhere for another job. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 She's no better than her cheating husband, two wrongs don't make a right. If she can cheat on him, betray him and lie to him, she is capable of doing that exact same thing to you. Keep that in mind. She likes the attention and how you make her feel.. But has no intention of giving up what she has, her family life. YOU have to end it and be strong. Your heart is at stake here! You can look for another job in the meantime, don't have to quit right now. Also, ask for a transfer. And, when you do have to see or deal with her at work, keep it simple and professional. NO personal talks, or anything. ^^^^^^^^^ This right here. Besides, messing around with someone's wife can be detrimental to your health and wellbeing if the H goes over the edge. If her H knows what he's doing, they'll never find your body. Link to post Share on other sites
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