Emotional Affair to Physical

[AH7]

My boyfriend and I have been involved in an emotional affair over the last two or three months. Things have escalated from an innocent lunch to meeting after work and having some pretty heavy make out sessions. My feelings for him have grown to enormous proportions. And as you might imagine I’ve pretty much lost the feelings I once had for my husband.

 

We’ve done it all except intercourse. My husband will not be back from his golf outing today until dark. So I’ve finally decided to meet my boyfriend at his place and there is no doubt we will have sex. I’m so frustrated and completely over not having my needs satisfied in the bedroom. My complaints and requests have fallen on deaf ears. In all honesty I don’t think I’ll feel one shred of remorse or guilt. My husband just doesn’t have time for me and this weekend is like most. I’m at home being ignored.

 

I just thought I would put my thoughts down here and see if I feel the same when I return home this evening.

Edited November 8, 2009 by AH7

[whichwayisup]

Maybe if your H knew you were cheating on him, about to have sex with someone else, he WOULD listen. Seems you're putting ALL the blame on your H to justify what you've done and what you're 'about' to do with the 'boyfriend.'

 

Is it really JUST about the sex? Is throwing away your marriage worth a hot night of passionate sex with someone else? Once you do this, things will never be the same. The choice is YOURS, NOONE is holding a gun to your head saying 'cheat!' Once you do it, there's no going back.

 

Instead of cheating, why not come clean with your H? Or, just tell him that you're unhappy and want a divorce.

 

Do you have children? If so, how do you think cheating is going to help your family in the long run? Have you thought about the pain this will cause your H? He may not be showing you "love" in the way you want him to, but I'm betting you're making it seem like your marriage really sucks so you can give yourself the greenlight to go ahead..

[schewter]

If you've already done everything except intercourse then it already is "physical"...isn't it?

[imagine]

Ok, I'm never quite sure when there is a troll on line.

 

From the post, you know its wrong. What do you want from us.

 

You feel neglect, divorce him but allow him some dignity in separation. You've already spat on the promise that you made when you married.

 

Yeah, you word is worth shyte.

[Gabriele]

I don't think people should waste their breath on you....... you should be ashamed of yourself..

get a divorce.

[tami-chan]

WHOAH people...back off..sometimes people just need to have a bouncing board. Like she said, she just wants to put her thoughts here-I mean, obviously, what is happening inside her mind is a fluid thing- PERHAPS, just PERHAPS, she will learn to deal with her dissatisfaction in her marriage in a more "acceptable" way or learn from other people's stories that many (if not most) affairs end in devastation- you all would have felt you have done a good deed-or at least made your time on LS worth the bother.

 

Jesus H-F**king Christ, we all have varying issues in our lives- if all of us here are right with our lives...this forum won't be here.

[allhopelost]

Please do yourself and your husband a favor and go to him with what has happened before it goes any futher. I know in my personal situation I would have preffered that "wake up call" rather that having to deal with the aftermath of my WW's infidelity. Listen to the other posters, as once you make that decision, the ramifications are horrifying. Your H may not even have a clue to your desperation for attention and recognition. I am betting he is comfortable in the marraige, as was I, as well as totally and completely ignorant of the monumental decision you feel you are needing to make for a breif glimpse of happiness and comfort. If you love your H, show him by trusting him with your problems. At least give him the chance he deserves to change. If you cheat, you are denying him (and yourself) the sanctity we all expect from ones spouse and their marraige...

Edited November 9, 2009 by allhopelost
mispelling

[Skump]

My feelings for him have grown to enormous proportions. And as you might imagine I’ve pretty much lost the feelings I once had for my husband

 

Okay, before some dubious emotions lead you to do something I'm about 99% sure you're going to regret, step back and consider the following:

 

It is almost certain that this guy is using you for sex.

 

Don't believe me? Well, let's think this through.

 

If the guy really cared about you, he'd value you enough to refrain from involving you in an incredibly shameful act that stands a non-trivial chance of ruining your life.

 

There are ways - admittedly, never 100% tactful - to indicate interest to a woman without proposing or participating in an affair. This guy is crossing a big red line.

 

In all honesty I don’t think I’ll feel one shred of remorse or guilt.

 

Well, that's a shame - maybe the biggest one of all.

[AH7]

Thanks you all for you comments and suggestions; even the disparaging remarks. I realize infidelity is a hot topic and I understand where many of you are coming from. WHICHWAYISUP said it, “Having sex with my boyfriend would change everything.” And it has. I had never really completely considered the seriousness of my affair or realized it had become something I couldn’t walk away from. I realize now divorce will be a certainty for me. It is an end I realize I have to start working toward. My daughter is two now and I understand the younger children are during a divorce the better they fare. So I have yet another reason to begin the divorce in the near future. My first thoughts are divorcing my husband after the holidays. Divorce certainly does not sound easy but I’m firmly convinced now it will be necessary.

[65tr6]

My first thoughts are divorcing my husband after the holidays.

 

OP, you are in the same boat as my wife was over 2 years ago.

 

Your first thoughts should be to tell your husband what you did. Not divorce.

[65tr6]

In all honesty I don’t think I’ll feel one shred of remorse or guilt. .

 

Not until you tell him the truth and realize how much you hurt him. First the guilt, (i bet you already have some of it) and then the remorse...dont believe me ? I bet $50 bucks. (no, i don't gamble).

 

Do this for your daughter, if not anyone else.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks you all for you comments and suggestions; even the disparaging remarks. I realize infidelity is a hot topic and I understand where many of you are coming from. WHICHWAYISUP said it, “Having sex with my boyfriend would change everything.” And it has. I had never really completely considered the seriousness of my affair or realized it had become something I couldn’t walk away from. I realize now divorce will be a certainty for me. It is an end I realize I have to start working toward. My daughter is two now and I understand the younger children are during a divorce the better they fare. So I have yet another reason to begin the divorce in the near future. My first thoughts are divorcing my husband after the holidays. Divorce certainly does not sound easy but I’m firmly convinced now it will be necessary.

 

Are you really ready to break up your family unit? Not give your marriage one last shot at working? Giving it your absolute best? Because if you leave and divorce your husband, run straight into the arms of the OM, chances of it working out is slim to none. What you have now, everything you feel is based on an affair setting - NOT real life. Have you thought about your 2 year old and the effect it's going to have on her if you do leave your H?

 

Anyway, be sure this is what you want.. If you divorce, let it be because the marriage isn't working and you don't love your husband - NOT because some other man gives you a thrill and good sex.

[FreezorBurn]

You should marry the other man. I'm sure that will solve all your problems.

 

BTW, what you’re doing is awful. Divorce you husband first, then go out and screw around. You must be very young because you have a lot of growing up to do yourself. You do realize you may not end up with your daughter if you DIVORCE.

 

When I had my issues with my wife, I had the best Divorce lawyers (Yes that is more then one) on stand by. A private Eye that would have disgraced her and her family with evidence. All I would have wanted was the KIDS and I would spend any amount of Money to keep them.

 

Just a thought... Hope your husband was not like me because you would be out the door without your daughter or the shirt on your back.

Edited November 9, 2009 by FreezorBurn
Spelling

[seibert253]

I really love how seriously people now take their marriage vows, and the commitment that goes with them: For better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part.

 

I'm sorry, I must have missed the part where is says the other guy is better in bed than my husband, so it's OK to kick him to the curb.

 

It's all about ME, ME, ME.

 

Outta here,

Peace.

[tami-chan]

OP, you are in the same boat as my wife was over 2 years ago.

 

Your first thoughts should be to tell your husband what you did. Not divorce.

 

but according to whom? whose rule is this? I am not against this...I am just saying, who made this rule....she has an affair, she has marginalized her marriage thus her husband---in many ways, she has already checked out of her marriage...so yes, she should be thinking of divorce.

[tami-chan]

You should marry the other man. I'm sure that will solve all your problems.

 

BTW, what you’re doing is awful. Divorce you husband first, then go out and screw around. You must be very young because you have a lot of growing up to do yourself. You do realize you may not end up with your daughter if you DIVORCE.

 

When I had my issues with my wife, I had the best Divorce lawyers (Yes that is more then one) on stand by. A private Eye that would have disgraced her and her family with evidence. All I would have wanted was the KIDS and I would spend any amount of Money to keep them.

 

Just a thought... Hope your husband was not like me because you would be out the door without your daughter or the shirt on your back.

 

 

good for you, FB! I bet all that threat made her realize she loves you afterall...

[65tr6]

but according to whom? whose rule is this? .

 

There are rules, unwritten but accepted universally by most, if not all. You dont agree ? You think it is perfectly acceptable to cheat after you marry someone ? If so, why not get this out in the open even before the marriage ? Heck, call it a open marriage from the get go.

 

Or even better, I would love to see OP talk to her husband, convince him that it is ok for her to sleep with OM. We dont have a problem then, right ? OP is here because she is guilty. She knows what she has done is not. If she did she would not spent the time reseaching this website and posting for advice. She made a bad choice. (oh my god, i judged someone !). It is not my rule. It is the rule accepted by most. If she needs to change rule, well it is too late now, then she will need to back to step one.

 

I agree with you, she checked out of the marriage long ago...does not necessarily mean she needs to be thinking of divorce. Start with admission. At a minimum she owes an explanation of what she has done to her husband. They have a two year old daughter to raise. They will continue to see each other for rest of their lives...whether as a couple or not. You think a quick D will solve the problem ?

[FreezorBurn]

good for you, FB! I bet all that threat made her realize she loves you afterall...

 

Nope,

She never knew... Well she could kinda guess from the phone records to the Law officess that I had everthing set up.

 

My nature is to perpare for the absolute wost AND I would never risk lossing my children, ever!

 

Only 6 months out and still trying to work it out.

[tami-chan]

There are rules, unwritten but accepted universally by most, if not all. You dont agree ? You think it is perfectly acceptable to cheat after you marry someone ? If so, why not get this out in the open even before the marriage ? Heck, call it a open marriage from the get go.

 

Hmmm...did I actually say this? or is your bias to me manifesting itself? Focus to what is being asked:

 

I am asking about what you said to her....that her first thought should be to tell her husband about the affair, right? I say..yes, if she cares about him enough or want to save the marriage...but she has already checked out of her marriage...so no, she can think of divorce first (is that not what many advice here" DIVORCE your H!, right?) and maybe out of "fairness" or whatever it is called, tell her husband about the affair..if only to make him feel worst... or do the usual battle cry here" get himself tested for STDs"....

 

 

 

I agree with you, she checked out of the marriage long ago...does not necessarily mean she needs to be thinking of divorce. Start with admission. At a minimum she owes an explanation of what she has done to her husband. They have a two year old daughter to raise. They will continue to see each other for rest of their lives...whether as a couple or not. You think a quick D will solve the problem ?

[tami-chan]

Nope,

She never knew... Well she could kinda guess from the phone records to the Law officess that I had everthing set up.

 

My nature is to perpare for the absolute wost AND I would never risk lossing my children, ever!

 

Only 6 months out and still trying to work it out.

 

Really....all those years being married and your wife does not know how you fight?

[FreezorBurn]

Really....all those years being married and your wife does not know how you fight?

 

Tami,

We are still trying to work it out and don't know if we will make it. Some days I don't even want to see her, other days I feel like we are still in love.

 

How about you? Tami, you’re still with your husband right? How do you feel about his infidelity? You did not deserve it. You should have been treated much better. Do you think he felt like the OP cheating without remorse?

[65tr6]

Hmmm...did I actually say this? or is your bias to me manifesting itself?

 

If her husband has even half the IQ of an average person, he will find out, sooner or later that his wife is sleeping with OM.

 

To redeem herself to an extent, the OP might as well confess prior as opposed to her husband finding out anyway. Plus she can alert him that his health is at risk if he continues to sleep with her.

[tami-chan]

Tami,

We are still trying to work it out and don't know if we will make it. Some days I don't even want to see her, other days I feel like we are still in love.

 

How about you? Tami, you’re still with your husband right? How do you feel about his infidelity? You did not deserve it. You should have been treated much better. Do you think he felt like the OP cheating without remorse?

 

Ahhh..my wonderful soon-to-be-ex husband...divorce will be final soon ..I did not have any desire to fix my marriage after d-day. I do not hate him..just hated the fact that his OW had access to me . I do not know if he is really remorseful-I do not really care but apparently, he is having a difficult time with the impending divorce and wants us to "start over again"...lol..funny, is it not?

 

Did I deserve to cheated on? I don't know...I do not look at life like many people do...it is when you think you are entitled to things (which means, you believe others are not) that other people fail you and you fail yourself.

[tami-chan]

If her husband has even half the IQ of an average person, he will find out, sooner or later that his wife is sleeping with OM.

 

ahm...ok...lol

 

To redeem herself to an extent, the OP might as well confess prior as opposed to her husband finding out anyway. Plus she can alert him that his health is at risk if he continues to sleep with her.

 

if she thinks she needs "redeeming"...sure...but like I said those are things that are personal choices..those are not rules...

[AH7]

I'll admit I'm inexperiienced, first marriage, first affair. What I don't understand are the comments suggesting I confess to my husband immediately????? Now I wouldn't be able to continue my affair if I confessed would I? Yes I realize I'm being dishonest but I'm having an affair, not becoming a Girl Scout. One of my closest friends has had a number of affairs over the past couple of years and never been caught. I plan on doing the same until our divorce. But, in the worst case scenario where I did get caught I would not confess all but practice damage control and admit only what he knows. What would be the advantage of confessing all, unless I wanted to work on the marriage, which I do not?