Jump to content

Staying in Marriage after Affair


Recommended Posts

I can elaborate more but every time I type my story, I am pretty ashamed of it, and delete it again. In short I guess I want to know :

 

Has anyone ever had a long term "love" affair, but chose to stay in their marriage only to become very jealous and hurt when their lover moved on?

 

I ask because I want to break this circle and focus back onto my wife instead of looking back at this situation wishing I had taken my chances.

 

Is it possible to put your partner back at number #1?

 

These questions are of course plagued with "it depends" kind of aspects, but any experiences would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never been in your situation, but what you've said raises some questions in my mind.

 

It sounds like you're saying that your lover was the primary object of your affection, but she cooled on you and moved on with another man. Basically she dumped you.

 

Is that right?

 

It sounds like you're feeling rejected by your lover. And what better way to get over rejection than to walk away yourself, indifferent to what you and she once shared because, hey, you're back in love with your wife. Much better. Ha ha -- see who has the last laugh.

 

For sure, not your wife. Not only did you cheat on her and take another woman into your heart (and bed), now you want to use her as your instrument to get over your lover's rejection. Nice.

 

If you've gotta figure out how to make your wife your #1 priority, then she ain't it, obviously. There's no formula, besides knowing your wife and loving what you know. Probably there are reams and reams of things about your wife about which you know nothing, but you have to want to bother to find them.

 

Does your wife know of the affair? If you think she doesn't you might be wrong, at least partly. Women know when something isn't right, when they're being shut out by their partner. So in addition to discovering intriguing things about your wife, you might have a bit of repair work to do. Are you up for that?

 

I might be reading you wrong here but you don't sound like a repentant husband who has realized the error of his ways and wants to re-commit to the wonderful woman he betrayed. You sound like a guy who's looking to heal his heartache by using his wife as an emotional stopgap. And perhaps as a tool of revenge -- wouldn't it great to run into your former lover in a month or two so that she can see how deeply in love with your wife you are, and how thoroughly you have forgotten her?

 

I apologize in advance if I've misread you. But it is a strange thing, don't you think? Why isn't your wife your first priority?

 

Good luck sorting things out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for that midori,

 

Yea there is some mis-reading and some accuracy in what you say.

 

My lover did move on after a couple of years of me being unable to leave my family. Thepain she went through was pretty bad, and another guy came along with none of these complications.

 

As for revenge, definately not. I have nothing but love for her, but I wish I did not. Yes, I would love to move on, and it would be great to do this with my wife because we have so much going for us (inc. 2 great kids).

 

To be honest, as I understand it, if my lover discovered I was in love with my wife again, she would be a lot happier than if I met someone new.

 

6 months have passed, and time has done its bit at taking the desperate panic away, but its down to me and my wife to make the best decisions now, which is why I am looking for similar experiences.

 

Yes my wife knew of the affair, I told her. Then agreed to end it, but never really did.

 

My wife is wonderful, and I do want to give her all she deserves, but I need to stop thinking about the past. I am trying to cut trains of thought short when they occur about my ex-lover, am now trying to spend time with my family instead of isolating myself from them, trying to stop being so self-centered. I appreciate what a jerk I must appear, but I want to fix my behaviour as soon as possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

Here goes ...

 

I am literally shaking as I write this. I am one of those spouses desperately trying to recover from my husband's love affair with my former best friend.

 

You will never, ever know the pain your wife experiences every single day. There is NO pain comparable to the loss of your spouse's love. I don't know whether or not your affair was physical, but believe me, knowing your spouse loves/loved someone else is far worse. It is hell.

 

WIth that said, (sorry, I'm going through a lot right now), if you really think that you want to spend the remainder of your life with your wife, you have a lot of work to do. You need to recommit to her through marriage counseling (she might not realize whether or not SHE wants your marriage!) and spend each and every day giving her reasons to trust you, want you and love you.

 

I, too, have 2 great kids. (16 and 13) I am currently separated (my husband's choice - still in our house but sleeping apart - REALLY HURTS!!). I have been exceedingly kind, a wonderful mother and beautiful wife (sorry, I'm just trying to paint a picture, not boast)

 

You sound like a decent enough guy, and I do apologize if I have been critical but sometimes I get so angry at selfish people! If you truly want your marriage, I hope you will work hard and appreciate what you have.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi Kay,

 

I appreciate the time you took to repond given what you are going through.

 

Dont apologise for being harsh, a) you were not, b) By its very nature this site is frequented by victims of love issues rather than perpertrators - as such I expected to make no friends.

 

I think my question was too subtle, mostly because I am ashamed of it.

 

I know what I need to do to give our marriage the best chance of survival, to gain trust, and make her feel centre again. If any woman is strong and balanced enough to manage that it would be my wife.

 

My problem is that I need to put my lover behind me first. I want to avoid all the pitfalls of putting them on a pedestal and living in a false "what if" land.

 

As such I came here looking for people who had been in a similar situation.

 

I know to a lot of people it seems rich asking for help, when its the people around me who deserve it. But in my shoes, I know my wife will never be happy if I fake it, or if I just leave out of self-hatred. For us to be happy, I need to to genuinly appreciate the things I have.

 

I recognise who is the problem here, and I am here to seek advice and stop wasting everyones time on the wrong road.

 

I do understand where you are though Kay, affairs must appear to be very disgusting and selfish things with neither party caring much about its victims. I cannot disagree.

 

I am a basically decent person, I am ironically very big on honesty and being fair. For me to carry out an affair (which was also physical), I had to flick a switch and not think about it. I know a lot of people agonise about what they are doing, ending up in some futile and innacurate justification like the cliche "my wife does not understand me" - I did not, I simply switched off and accepted I am a hypocrite (honesty thing). I am not sure which is worse.

 

I did suffer from guilt, enough to confess to my wife, but soon re-entered the affair, and started the "circle" all over again.

 

Kay, Communicating with me must appear to be tantamount to fraternising with the enemy, but if you need an offenders perspective, drop me a line.

 

Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I, too, had an affair years ago - in fact, I had several. I had fallen into a pattern in my marriage that I still struggle with - giving and compromising and accepting (even creating) all kinds of inequitable situations without ever standing up for what I wanted and needed - and I was beyond furious. I felt trapped and unhappy in the marriage, and used by my husband. It never occurred to me that lying down for someone to take advantage of you was at least as bad as doing the taking. And if I'd had an ounce of integrity or anything resembling a backbone I would've tried to work within the marriage without going outside of it, even at the risk of a divorce. But I didn't, and it took my husband and me years to work through the hurt that that caused. I think sometimes that it's something that neither one of us will ever get over completely...

 

Besides the issue of whether or not your wife wants to work on your marriage, you need to ask yourself if you're ready to look at the reasons the affair happened in the first place. Some of them will have to do with your wife, and most of them will have to do with you. Unless you're ready to examine and make changes in your relationship, it's likely that the affair will recur in another incarnation - in this relationship or another.

 

I'm truly sorry for the pain you're going through right now - you have my sympathy and best wishes...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the response,

 

Yes my wife does want to work through it, she is pretty unbelievable.

 

The root cause is difficult for me to get a grip on - but I will strive to do a bit of soul searching. I honestly could not ask for more from by wife though, I dont feel she did anything wrong at all.

 

I believe we have a very good chance of getting past this providing I pull my weight. All she expects from me is to consign the past to the past, and be happy where I am now.

 

The difference I guess with my situation is that it was with one individual, getting over that individual is presenting the biggest challenge. Normally after a break up you can have time to heal before becoming involved again. Here, the situation is not that simple. The thing that helps me through is that when I had all the opprtunity to leave, I chose not to - and the reasons for that are what I need to focus on.

 

Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there!

 

Mr. Circle--I am one of those ones on the receiving end of a husband like yourself. I appreciate being able to read your worries and concerns because he and I were not ever able to talk through it. So--thank you for sharing. It actually helps me to hear what you're going through. Your side of the situation has worth and importance, and I don't actually view you as 'selfish.'

 

After being on the receiving end, as well as helping good friends through this who's situation was almost exactly like my former husband's and mine...this is what seems to actually happen: I think there are times in a person's life where different aspects of your selves 'take over' despite your adult self having entirely different values.

 

It is horrifying to watch and experience, and you feel totally out of control, and you're sort of like 'Damn the consequences.' Your NEED is so strong, and that part of you struggling to express itself and get your needs met takes over despite the circumstances and relationships you've built for yourself.

 

You wish you could do things differently, and yet, if you could stop, you would. If you could make the old life OK, you would. Your current skill set has left you entirely unprepared for dealing with this. You simply do not have the tools to repair this, or eliminate it. This does not make you a horrible person. No. It makes you a human being.

 

My hope is that by replying to you, with my story, you may feel freer from guilt, and see that your wife is a whole person making her choices as well. She too gets to learn important lessons from what is happening. The key is to TALK and keep talking.

 

And Kay--my heart goes out to you! My hope is that you can see the beautiful woman and wonderful mother and wife that you are. And that you can know that nothing you did or ever could do would make you 'deserve' what is happening now. If you can keep your SELF out of this, and see a larger relationship dynamic at work, you can protect your deepest self from damage. I was not able to do that, and the damage I allowed my SELF to experience was far greater than the situation itself, and made it much more difficult--and took far longer to heal.

 

After emerging from this situation, I now see that we each had reasons for playing our respective roles, and the lessons I learned and strength I earned far outweighs the pain I endured.

 

Having said that, 5 years have passed, my life and my relationships, my career and my health are all astronomically healthier and happier than I could have ever anticipated, AND still THERE IS NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I DON'T QUESTION WHAT HAPPENED, WHY IT HAPPENED, and what I did or didn't do, etc. And I still cry a lot. So--you never totally heal. The perspective I've gained is with me everyday as well. I no longer take certain things for granted...

 

My husband and I were together for 10 years. Each of us did a lot of growing during the time we were together. We were each polarized--I had certain skills, he had others. We never seemed to teach each other what we knew and we never seemed truly to share. Consequently we each absorbed a fair amount of difficult stuff from the other, and we grew stronger only in what we started out knowing.

 

I was the talkative one. I had relationship and communication skills. I knew there were problems all along. I used my skills to suggest couples therapy on many occasions. He was not open to it, and moreover, he had a way of suggesting we just had to work harder professionally and all of our other issues would clear up once we had 'enough'--money, things, prestige. I went along with it, and I totally bought into the beliefs--but inside I was dying and I felt totally trapped.

 

I finally set down an ultimatum--we get help or I'm out...which threw him into a tailspin--mid-life crisis thing. As soon as I started saying "I deserve better" everything fell apart. Low and behold, our next door neighbor and good friend suddenly became the most important woman in my husband's life. They had a connection that he and I could never have, even if we worked at it the rest of our lives. Everything about them was like peas in a pod--same family history, same hobbies, same morals and values.

 

One part of me was actually happy for them--they seemed so well suited to one another. The other part of me was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED---and their lies and deception and cruelty was inhuman.The things they said and did to 'cover up' or make me think it was my fault were worse than many psychodrama movies I've seen. So--yes, loosing your spouses love, and seeing the worst aspects of human character from the person you've devoted building I life with and trust implicitly when you're already down is F.R.I.G.H.T.E.N.I.N.G. stuff. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

 

I often said things to them like I wished we could all just talk it through, and I felt like I was loosing my home, my extended family and a good friend and I didn't do anything to deserve it.

 

I now know that nothing I ever did or could do would make me deserve that. I was able to summon up strength from the painful examination of what happened, and my role in it that was invaluable. I realized most of what I had issues with was MY behaviour, my mistakes. If I could forgive myself and see that I was a human being in a learning process, I was actually fine.

 

And--I wished so desperately the three of us could come to 'closure' together. I even said to them--if you guys are really serious, I want you to start out on a good footing and not have this evil deception in your foundation--so if not for me, do it for yourselves. No such luck! I now think that neither of them had relationship skills and communication skills and introspective skills enough to want to bother with the effort that would have required.

 

They have since married and have two children, and I have since learned all the things I coveted in my former spouse (money management, professional finesse and mastery, emotional control and discernment). Not only that, but I have a clear conscience. Some actions are just not worth the price to me and I sleep like a baby. I know from being in his family that there are lots of health problems, accidents, insomnia and addictions--so that is how they cope.

 

I do wish them all the happiness. I do wish that we could have all parted on neutral grounds, and I do wish that I could see and appreciate my current reality with as much immediacy and focus as I seem to still place on this 'past' situation. It's so ironic to me--because I upgraded all around---with a clear conscience, and yet I still measure things against these two people who basically left me for dead.

 

So--Circle--minimize damage going forward by continuing to talk and be present, even when it seems unbearable. And Kay--know that you are experiencing something very valuable to you as a person. Only you will know the 'jewels' of wisdom for you here--but they will be yours forever. Sometimes knowledge comes at a terrible price.

 

Much love and healing to all of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Circle,

 

I like your handle, because it is a metaphore for what is probabaly going on in your head and your heart: round and round again, full circle, trying to sort things out, over and over again, and yet getting nowhere.

 

Go down deep, deep into your heart of hearts and answer this question: If you were reading the obits in the paper tomorrow and found out that your former lover suddenly died, would that help you re-connect with your wife and move on?

 

I have a feeling it wouldn't resolve your inner turmoil. But it is easier (much, much easier) to displace your agony over no longer loving your wife by focussing on your forsaken lover.

 

So I think that your real struggle is with your feelings for your wife. I am not talking about what you THINK about her. You think that she is your wife, mother of your kids, the person to whom you vowed to stay with, the eprson whom you perhaps support financially, the person who makes you a decent, "married man".

 

But you know what? I don't think that you really and truly love her anymore. You didn't love her when you had the affair, you didn't love her when you fessed up over it (deep down you were probably even hoping that she'd leave you for that infraction, but DANG she wants to move on!!), and you still don't love her.

 

Why is it so easy for you to go on this forum and fess up to your guilt over the affair? Because it is MUCH easier that fessing up to what you truly see yourself "guilty" of : no longer loving your wife.

 

Unlike anyone else posting here, you honestly and truly have my fullest sympathy. And I don;t think that e\there is any guilt involved for falling out of love with someone -- even if they have been together for a long time and have kids.

 

Unfulfilling, disappointing marriages. This is the stuff of great literature, ballets, operas, and so much more.

 

OK, I don't really have a clue as to how you are feeling. How could I? But I just wanted you to get the chance to try out these feelings for some tough self-exploration. Does any of it fit?

 

If so, let's start a whole new thread at the old loveshack: on discovering the dark and ugly truth that you just don't love her (or him) anymore -- after many years and a few kids together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Carly made the comment that she didn't feel that you "really and truly love (your wife) anymore," thus propelling you into your affair, but I wonder if maybe if you still do care for and love your wife, just in a different way from what you felt when you first met her so that what you felt for your lover seemed to be more of what you "thought" being in love should be ...

I guess the longer you are in a committed relationship with someone, the more love takes on new forms that you tend to forget or not realize that it is indeed love that you feel for someone.

 

Don't focus on what you've lost in losing your lover, but ask yourself (and answer honestly!) what initially attracted you to your wife? What was the thing that made you say, 'this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with'? Why was she more important than all the other chicks you had a chance to marry? Is this the person you still want to be with the rest of your life? why? (having kids together isn't an answer, because the focus needs to be on you and her) If you're willing to try to save your marriage, are you willing to shoulder some of the pain you've caused by your affair? Are you willing to learn your wife all over again -- find out what she needs from you and then provide it?

 

Marrying each other was a big step that y'all took, but I think trying to heal your marriage after it was blindsided by an affair is going to be an even bigger step. I am proud of you for being willing to take that step, and wish you the best of luck as you work on your marriage.

 

quank

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you read to the end of my post, you'll see that I never really had any beliefs about Circle's feelings toward his wife -- my God, how could anyone have any idea of how anyone else really feels in their own private realtioships -- let alone an anonymous poster in cyberspace. I was just planting the supposition for Circle to consider in his heart. That is why I clearly wrote near the end of my post that of course "I don't really have a clue about what you are feeling." I was just throwing out a new perspective to try.

 

I think that sorting out the mixed feeling in any difficult long term relationship is delicate -- actually I know that from direct experience. Probably at no other point in my life have my emotions felt so vulnerable, volatile, and raw.

 

Great to use public forums like this to elicite different possibilities, and to play around with them in our hearts and minds. But at some point we have to get a grip on our own true feelings. And I think that's the hard part. Agree, Circle?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi everyone

 

Yes, Carly raises a very intelligent point. I can't call it perceptive, because I dont think I have given enough facts for anyone to perceive anything much - my fault, and I felt Carly recognises that.

 

You are right, during my entire affair, my lover constantly asked me to admit that I did not love my wife. I found during that time I could not say it. This may have been based as much around guilt than anything. By that I mean I did not have the strength to dig deep and see how I feel in case I did not like what I found. Which is pretty much your point I think.

 

My situation is now such that I still have options. I can leave, and I can go. My wife has made this very clear, she only wants me by her side, if thats what I want too, I have the freedom to see how I feel, and still its tough.

 

I do believe I love her, but I find I have to peer past the shadow this other person has left behind, and like most shadows its bigger than the person itself.

 

I am guilty of wanting what I have lost, its a personality trait that exists in most of us, but is amplified in me. The best I can do is recognise that fact and not panic decide anything

 

Recognising that my feelings of loss are amplified is useful, as is being given the time to get over this, the numbness is begging to fade.

 

I came here for the experience from all angles, to see if anyone has tried and succeeded, tried and failed, or if anyone could through in a random thought to provoke progress. I appreciate any views.

 

Emerged! - Well, it sounds like you had a pretty torrid time, I m sorry about that. I think any affair is a selfish act, and as such yields mental abuse of some kind. That said, I certainly treated both parties with all the respect I could given the situation.

 

Your efforts to do the right thing seem super-human, and I hope you benefit the most from them, but Icannot help wonder why it still cuts you deep enough now to write about it.

 

 

quankanne - I hope you are right, the suggestions/questions you make/raise are common sense, which as the saying goes - is not always common.

 

I dont think I could stay in a relationship that I knew was dead. I dont feel that way, I just know my full attention is not quite back to where it should be, but I am getting there.

 

Many Thanks all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...