Looking for a lover while still attached

[LustLoveLife]

I have known my wife for 15 years and been married for nine, but she is not the woman I have wished for all my life. When your young sex tends to over rule the males practical side, but later the feeling changes.

My wife isn't siupportive of my career, interests or friends. She also has no friends of her own, is reclusive and not the least bit senual. Unfortunately I love my wife to the point of not wanting to hurt her in any way.

So to ease my unhappiness I have pursued a cyber search for my soulmate, based on a upfront approach to personal ads and even engaging in a cyber mistress. Some of these sites have nothing but cold heart whores that feed you a line and try to get you tom pay for a possible date.

My questions are to both the younger and old women is the following;

1-Is it unpractical to try to start a relationship with knowledge of the othbeing attached upfront.

2-Is honesty too much for a woman to handle?

3-Why do women say man are dogs when they are candid yet the women are playing games using thier looks.

4-Can an attractive, intelligent woman exist that would consider an affair?

5-Do women really care if a man is kind, caring, supportive and a good provider, if he is shorter then 5'9", not a professional and just an average in body.

[Just A Girl2]

I'll answer your questions first, then add more thoughts on your situation. To note, I am a SINGLE (divorced for several years) women who has used the internet personals in the past:

 

1-Is it unpractical to try to start a relationship with knowledge of the oth(er) being attached upfront.

 

Well for me it certainly is. I wouldn't look/read twice, a guy's profile that admitted he was not completely unattached, or, if he came to admit that he was married/involved with someone else, I'd cease all communication immediately. Why? Because what would I want with someone who: a) is married.....b) obviously thinks so little of his wife that he's out prowling around online, looking for a 'side-dish'....c) is absolutely not at all able to be in a real relationship.

 

2-Is honesty too much for a woman to handle?

 

 

By asking this question, I'm going to assume that posing it was based on negative reactions you're receiving from the women you communicate through these online personals...meaning, they're not too darn keen that you're actually not single, but are in fact MARRIED. Am I correct?

 

That being said, no honesty is never too much.......but I'd say that 98% of women who use the personals are truly single, and looking ALSO for someone who's single and unattached, and capable of being in a healthy, normal, stable relationship. Many women are of the belief that if you (men like yourself who are married but looking for some fun on the side) are married, you have NO BUSINESS surfing around looking to find someone else.........and whatever reason it is that's prompting you to sneak around on your wife and look for someone else, that it's nothing more than a lame excuse...and if you're so damn unhappy, then be man enough to end it with your wife FIRST.......deal with your baggage.....THEN proceed with looking to meet someone else.

 

It's admirable that I assume you're being upfront about being married....but seriously, think about it, why would most women be at all interested in a man who's married and goes home to his wife each night, who's sneaking around behind his wife's back? Doesn't exactly paint a picture of integrity, honor or honesty.

 

3-Why do women say man are dogs when they are candid yet the women are playing games using thier looks.

 

Not sure I understand what you mean about women playing games with their looks. What, you mean you tell them that you're married but looking for some fun on the side, and they react negatively, but you actually feel p*ssed off because you somehow feel they were teasing you with their looks or something? A woman can't help it if she's attractive, but a man can help it if he's slinking around on the internet, while married, looking for someone to cheat with. Ya know?

 

 

4-Can an attractive, intelligent woman exist that would consider an affair?

 

 

Well I'm sure there are some attractive ones out there who have no respect for someone's marriage and get a thrill with screwing around with someone else's lifemate..........but intelligent too? I don't know. Seems to me that a truly balanced, insightful, well-adjusted, stable, wise, intelligent woman would realize her "worth" and would seek more for herself than to settle for a married man's leftovers........and would have the foresight to realize that nothing stable/lasting/or positive could come from getting tangled up with a cheating husband who doesn't have the balls to just end one relationship before embarking on another. Seems to me that a truly enlightened, intelligent woman wouldn't think so little of herself that she'd be willing to settle for a man who committed himself in marriage to someone else (his wife).....she'd find herself her OWN man, not some married woman's man.

 

 

5-Do women really care if a man is kind, caring, supportive and a good provider, if he is shorter then 5'9", not a professional and just an average in body.

 

Is this question in regards to the women you will come across through these personals? Or is this question somehow referring to your wife? (you feeling that she doesn't accept you as you are?)

 

The very vast majority of women would dearly love to have a man who's kind, caring, supportive and a good provider.......and there's nothing wrong with being 5'9" (I say this and I'm 5'8"), there's nothing wrong with NOT being a professional (what matters is that you work hard at what you do, whatever it is), and there's nothing wrong with having an average body.

 

Now having said all this, let's cut the BS here. If you think you are being a good man by saving your wife from the pain of leaving her (due to your unhappiness in the marriage), and that you somehow are thereby entitled to slink around behind her back in search of someone to have an affair with, think again. That is the epitome of cowardly and selfish. Imagine the hurt she would feel if she were to find out what you're doing? That will hurt 1 million times more than you asking for a divorce and you both moving on. If you feel you're so incompatible, then you owe it to her and yourself to end things NOW...so that she can find someone who will love her and respect her and be faithful to her and not bring home sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS....and you deserve someone who accepts you, loves you and to whom you'll never stray.

 

So have you and your wife sat down and had a heart to heart talk about how you're feeling here? Does she even know how you feel? I mean, have you even TRIED to work on things.....go for marriage counselling, individual counselling.....steps to save your marriage and get past all this........or are you taking the "easy way" out here, and figuring things suck and you're justified in finding someone to have an affair with?

 

Nobody said marriage was going to be easy. It involves a lot of openness, communication, perseverence, integrity, compromise, hard work, not taking the easy way out, and seeking PRODUCTIVE, POSITIVE help when times get tough. Can you sit there and say you have and your wife have done everything possible to save your marriage? Have you put your heart into doing something positive, or is cheating your first idea of a solution for "YOU"?

[moimeme]

If you want sex without commitment, hire yourself a prostitute.

 

You list your positive qualities. However. I have known a couple of guys who had similar positive qualities. They also had a whole bunch of negative qualities, too, including dishonesty. I kinda think you're that kind of guy.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your wife. Well, wake up, bucko. She'll figure it out. Most women do. You can't have an affair that she won't know about. You are whining that you are 'too honest' and 'candid' - buddy, if you are lying to your wife, you are NOT an honest man. Period.