My ex-wife had a one-night stand and I can't quit thinking about it

[parmaker14]

My wife and I divorced 2 months ago. For the most part it has been a very civil divorce between two adults that realized we weren't meant for each other. That all changed two days ago when she confessed to a one-night stand she had about two weeks before we filed for divorce. She had gone out of town with her sisters. They went to a bar, she got drunk and ended up having a one-night stand. She has not seen the guy since. I never imagined the pain, anger, jealousy that I'm now going through. Even though we were well on our way to a divorce she was still my wife. It's been 3 days since she told me and I can't quit thinking about them together. To think about them talking, drinking then leaving together to his place for sex is driving me insane. Am I wrong to feel so upset? She isn't my wife anymore anyway. Will this get easier, I can't imagine enduring these feelings for months and years like I read in these forums. She is very remorseful and takes responsibility for the entire episode. we have a son together so I'll have contact going forward. Someone please give me some advice on how to deal with these feelings I'm having. Things like, what's his name? How long were they together? Was he better in bed than me? Is he better endowed? Obviously I'm experiencing some real self-esteem issues and usually I don't. I have never felt this confused, hurt and betrayed in my life.

[bluegreen12]

My wife and I divorced 2 months ago. For the most part it has been a very civil divorce between two adults that realized we weren't meant for each other. That all changed two days ago when she confessed to a one-night stand she had about two weeks before we filed for divorce. She had gone out of town with her sisters. They went to a bar, she got drunk and ended up having a one-night stand. She has not seen the guy since. I never imagined the pain, anger, jealousy that I'm now going through. Even though we were well on our way to a divorce she was still my wife. It's been 3 days since she told me and I can't quit thinking about them together. To think about them talking, drinking then leaving together to his place for sex is driving me insane. Am I wrong to feel so upset? She isn't my wife anymore anyway. Will this get easier, I can't imagine enduring these feelings for months and years like I read in these forums. She is very remorseful and takes responsibility for the entire episode. we have a son together so I'll have contact going forward. Someone please give me some advice on how to deal with these feelings I'm having. Things like, what's his name? How long were they together? Was he better in bed than me? Is he better endowed? Obviously I'm experiencing some real self-esteem issues and usually I don't. I have never felt this confused, hurt and betrayed in my life.

 

Do you need to get yourself tested for STD?

 

Your ex-wife's sister just let her go home with some stranger while knowing that she had a husband at home?

 

What's the main reason for the divorce?

[Angel1111]

This is exactly why I tell people not to tell their spouse or ex-spouse this kind of information when they're going to divorce anyway. There's just no point to it whatsoever except that it destroys the betrayed spouse. I don't know what her reason was for telling you but she was stupid to do so.

 

Of course your feelings are legitimate. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think it will last for months because you'll come to realize that when she did that, she was probably emotionally checked out of the marriage and didn't see any point in being faithful. As you say, it was all but over. I'm sure it still hurts but it's not like she was thinking about 'forever' with you. I think that was the reasoning behind her actions. And whether he was bigger or better or taller or shorter or whatever than you, the fact is she didn't keep him around so I doubt there was any real connection. If anything, it probably just felt weird to her.

Edited October 20, 2009 by Angel1111

[bluegreen12]

Honesty is always the best policy. There's no reason or justification for keeping secrets.

 

While they're still married, he has a right 2 know. For2nately, she told him about the ONS, so keeping it secret isn't an issue here.

 

And while he and his W are divorcing, they will forever be family because of their child 2gether. If they can continue 2 be honest about who's in their lives, they can better care for the child.

 

-ol' 2long

 

2long, what's going on, man? How is your wife? Are you still snooping on her making sure she is not in contact with her AP?

 

I think honesty is needed because, now he can move on and never look back. He has all the info about her and about his marriage and that mght be a good motivation for him to truly let go of his marriage that was damaged by affiar among other things.

[parmaker14]

Do you need to get yourself tested for STD?

 

Your ex-wife's sister just let her go home with some stranger while knowing that she had a husband at home?

 

What's the main reason for the divorce?

 

I don't need tested we didn't have sex after the ONS. She claims her Sisters don't know as they weren't together for the few hours this took place. we're divorcing basically because we got to a point where even counseling couldn't fix the irreconcilable differences.

[parmaker14]

This is exactly why I tell people not to tell their spouse or ex-spouse this kind of information when they're going to divorce anyway. There's just no point to it whatsoever except that it destroys the betrayed spouse. I don't know what her reason was for telling you but she was stupid to do so.

 

Of course your feelings are legitimate. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think it will last for months because you'll come to realize that when she did that, she was probably emotionally checked out of the marriage and didn't see any point in being faithful. As you say, it was all but over. I'm sure it still hurts but it's not like she was thinking about 'forever' with you. I think that was the reasoning behind her actions. And whether he was bigger or better or taller or shorter or whatever than you, the fact is she didn't keep him around so I doubt there was any real connection. If anything, it probably just felt weird to her.

 

She told me because she thought she needed to so she could move on. I know she's in counseling so I wonder if it's something they encouraged her to do. At first I was glad she told me, now I wished she never had. Usually I believe that honesty is the best policy but in this case it didn't benefit anyone and may have damaged my relationship with and trust of my son's mother.

[bluegreen12]

She told me because she thought she needed to so she could move on. I know she's in counseling so I wonder if it's something they encouraged her to do. At first I was glad she told me, now I wished she never had. Usually I believe that honesty is the best policy but in this case it didn't benefit anyone and may have damaged my relationship with and trust of my son's mother.

 

Look at the bright side. Whatever doubt that you may had about the divorce will be gone.

[Art_Critic]

Why would a woman who is on good speaking terms with you tell you something so hurtful just 2 weeks after the divorce was final ?

If it was 1-2 years I would think she was trying to come clean so she could move on.

 

She has a motive..

 

Maybe she was trying to hurt you.. maybe it didn't really happen and she told you to hurt you..

 

You both have a child together and she tells you this now.. what a sucky thing to say and what sucky ass timing..

Not acting in the best interests of the child if you ask me..

Be very careful with what you say to her about this.. it may come back and bite you in the ass..

 

You are both divorced.. you should just chalk it up to her being mean and move on..

[bluegreen12]

So, which MB refugee are you? Why the name change? I don't have 2 snoop. I know there is still contact.

 

What happened to that MB site? Do you still post there?

 

You knwo there is still contact? Are you still married? What are you doing about the continuing contact?

 

Going back to the original poster, I don't think she did it to intentionally hurt you like someone said she did. It's possible, but very unlikely. You should know her better than we do.

[parmaker14]

I don't think she did this to be mean or get even. She has real issues with low self-esteem, depression, etc. One of the reasons for our divorce in the first place was that she was always looking to me to make it better and when I couldn't she felt like I wasn't there for her. I'm pretty sure she had the ONS because she was out trying to find out what could make her happy and trying to find the validation she needed to feel good about herself.

 

With all this said though, knowing why she did it may make it easier but it doesn't make it easy. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I feel like I'm to blame, betrayed, jealous, all sorts of weird feelings. I just need to know how long this is going to go on. I'm having a hard time functioning. I'll be going along just fine then something will remind me of the event and my mind goes back to thinking of them together naked in that house, while I'm home with the kid. When that happens, I feel like I'm going to cry. Sometimes I do, sometimes not. The thoughts of them together are eating me up. I've got to find a way to get over this.

 

I do appreciate all the input on this forum, it has helped already. I realize too that my issue pales compared to some of the heartache I've read on here. My heart goes out to anyone that has ever been a victim of infidelity.

[bluegreen12]

On occasion. It's not as interesting 2 me as it used 2 be.

 

Why is that?

 

 

Pretty sure. Simply, if there weren't, she'd be proud of her accomplishment. But since she'd still rather things just faded away, I make the safe assumption that it continues at some level.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. Does the contact (I assume no more physical affair) worth to her more than hurting you?

 

 

 

Yes.

 

Would that change if you find out that she is still in contact or in an affair?

 

 

Yes, it was most likely a rebound action. Like when a lot of people think that it's okay 2 have another relationship while separated from their spouse, forgetting that it adds (at best), another person's feelings 2 hurt 2 the mix (and at worst, another "player" 2 add more hurt 2 the mix).

 

-ol' 2long

 

I have one question for the original poster. Would it hurt less or at all if she slept with him 2 weeks after the divorce

(1) was filed, or

 

(2) was final?

[Art_Critic]

I don't think she did this to be mean or get even.

 

But it was mean.. even if she didn't do it on purpose..

The mean things have to stop at this point.. you both have a child to raise and if she continues to bring up things form her past in order to cleanse herslef then it is you that must put down the boundary and explain where you are coming from.

 

You yourself are feeling hurt from what she did.. it wasn't a nice thing dude..

 

Regardless I wouldn't broach this subject with her anymore.. put it behind you and put your children in the forefront from here on out..

[tami-chan]

She did not NEED to tell him about her ONS. They had already decided to divorce, it was just a matter of legalities. In their heart of hearts they were foregoing their marriage vows. Why she told him was, I think, a selfish, self-serving , mean-spirited move on her part. What was it supposed to do for HIM? Nothing but to hurt him.

 

OP, be thankful you got out and stop second-guessing yourself. You and her are not married for a good reason. That other guy was not better than you, if he was, he would still be around.

[bluegreen12]

I don't find it all that interesting, true. Mainly because the discussions there aren't so much intellec2ally stimulating as they were when I came on 8.5 years ago. What I didn't want 2 bring up is that I find it pretty harmful 2 newbies. MB has been overtaken by internet bullies 2rned moderators. I used 2 think loveshack was like that, but really it's got a pretty good TOS, and fair procedures for handling disputes and flames.

 

It would be great if there are no mods.

 

How is your marriage now?

[parmaker14]

Why is that?

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry to hear that. Does the contact (I assume no more physical affair) worth to her more than hurting you?

 

 

 

 

 

Would that change if you find out that she is still in contact or in an affair?

 

 

 

 

I have one question for the original poster. Would it hurt less or at all if she slept with him 2 weeks after the divorce

(1) was filed, or

 

(2) was final?

 

In our case the divorce was non-contested and was final two days after it was filed. The ONS happened two weeks before both essentially. When the ONS occurred, we were pretty sure we were going to divorce but didn't make the final decison until she returned from the fateful trip. I'm sure it would hurt if she did this two weeks after the divorce but then you wouldn't have the additional hurt of feeling betrayed. I realize I'm maybe not like some in the world, but I made a commitment at marriage that I always kept. My wife's first marriage ended in her first husband cheating on her. Other than the commitment I made, I knew I would never cheat because I knew it would devistate her and I couldn't bear that to happen. I wore my wedding ring until the day I got notice that the divorce was final. To give her that loyalty and then have her cheat on me is one of the things that makes this so hard. The fact that she did this while we were still legally married makes it harder for me than if she had done the same thing two weeks after. Plus, if she had done this two weeks after, I assume she wouldn't have felt like she needed to tell me about it and I would be watching Monday Night Football right now instead of posting on this site.

[Art_Critic]

That a2ally says something positive about her character, in my view. She grew a little.

 

In my book causing undue pain to someone you used to love and someone who you parent with isn't a positive thing..

It was destructive and mean..

Dude.. look at how torn up the OP is.. how is that so positive ?

 

This was 2 weeks after the divorce was final not 2 years..

[Art_Critic]

I'm not talking about measured honesty..

 

I'm talking about her causing him pain on purpose for a reason.......

 

I know you think she GREW over this revelation.. but I don't.. I think it shows how much she NEEDS to grow...

 

Sure getting it out of the way is pulling the bandaid off quickly and now he knows that she had a ONS he can face the pain and move on but it isn't because she is some wonderful person who grew thru finding herself and decided to come clean, he is facing the pain because she is cruel or I shuold say she did a cruel thing to the Father of her child

[tami-chan]

In our case the divorce was non-contested and was final two days after it was filed. The ONS happened two weeks before both essentially. When the ONS occurred, we were pretty sure we were going to divorce but didn't make the final decison until she returned from the fateful trip. I'm sure it would hurt if she did this two weeks after the divorce but then you wouldn't have the additional hurt of feeling betrayed. I realize I'm maybe not like some in the world, but I made a commitment at marriage that I always kept. My wife's first marriage ended in her first husband cheating on her. Other than the commitment I made, I knew I would never cheat because I knew it would devistate her and I couldn't bear that to happen. I wore my wedding ring until the day I got notice that the divorce was final. To give her that loyalty and then have her cheat on me is one of the things that makes this so hard. The fact that she did this while we were still legally married makes it harder for me than if she had done the same thing two weeks after. Plus, if she had done this two weeks after, I assume she wouldn't have felt like she needed to tell me about it and I would be watching Monday Night Football right now instead of posting on this site.

 

 

Look ,she probably did the ONS as a way to seek validation that she is still desirable....not a good reason for that...still, it is possible,after all, this was going to be her second FAILED marriage.

 

You just need to let it go, OP-she is your past....an ex-wife. I think it is not as much as she had an ONS before your divorce even though you guys have already made a decision to divorce, I think you would still feel the same if she had an ONS right after the divorce-you would be here talking about how she can move on just like that.

 

So go watch football...Broncos won!

[Art_Critic]

I don't think we're as far apart as you might think, then.

 

Yeah.. I see that now...

[tami-chan]

I absolutely disagree 100% with this statement. The evidence 2 the contrary is in the simple fact that she did tell him. She could have avoided telling him if her conscience hadn't gotten the better of her. That a2ally says something positive about her character, in my view. She grew a little.

 

I'm confused. You disagree that she did not need to tell him? or you agree that she needed to tell him? I was not talking about whether she told him or not. I was pointing out whether there was a NEED for her to tell him of the ONS. I say NO.

 

 

This perpe2ates the myth (excuse for lying) that it's the telling that causes the hurt. It's the INFIDELITY that causes the damage, not the truth!

I agree. Still what you do not know, does not exist, so how can that hurt you?

[tami-chan]

Is there a parallel topic that you guys are talking about? PM maybe?

[boldjack]

OP, the only reason she told you was to hurt you, which she has done. Don't give her the satisfaction of reacting to this in any way. You are done with her now. Move ahead, and forget about her and her antics.

[JumpinJimmy]

OP, your ex doesn't have the same moral and ethical standards that you do. Could you have done the same thing? Sure, but you choose not to because of the standards that you set for yourself. Some poster said

 

That a2ally says something positive about her character, in my view. She grew a little.

and I disagree 100%. She actually shrunk and more since she was vindicative enough to tell you. Don't give this behavior or your ex any more thought, she is beneath you.

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife and I divorced 2 months ago. For the most part it has been a very civil divorce between two adults that realized we weren't meant for each other. That all changed two days ago when she confessed to a one-night stand she had about two weeks before we filed for divorce.

 

I always advice a cheater to come clean, but so the BS can be informed and make decisions about their life.

 

In this case, the decision has already been made. you were getting a divorce anyway. it was mutual.

 

So what was the point of her telling you? I think she wanted to smear it in your face.

 

 

 

She had gone out of town with her sisters. They went to a bar, she got drunk and ended up having a one-night stand.

 

and her sisters did nothing. boy, I wouldn't want to be the poor sap that marries into that family next.

 

 

She has not seen the guy since. I never imagined the pain, anger, jealousy that I'm now going through.

 

if it were me, I wouldn't be jealous, as I you are divorcing anyway.

 

but i would understand the anger of being played for a fool and having her sisters disrespect you even more. hell, forget that they should have been keeping their married sister honest, they probably rooted her on. Probably pushed her to have sex with another guy.

 

 

Even though we were well on our way to a divorce she was still my wife. It's been 3 days since she told me and I can't quit thinking about them together. To think about them talking, drinking then leaving together to his place for sex is driving me insane. Am I wrong to feel so upset? She isn't my wife anymore anyway. Will this get easier, I can't imagine enduring these feelings for months and years like I read in these forums.

 

I'd ask her why she felt the need to tell you.

 

Or, you could make up a story and tell her, "well, I have something to confess too....I had sex with a bombshell after a night out with the guys....and boy was she a freak in bed!!"

 

Nah, not a good idea, but if you did say it, it would be in the hopes that you make her as crazy as she made you.

 

But again, why did she tell you? You think she wanted to piss you off?

 

 

She is very remorseful and takes responsibility for the entire episode.

 

why would she care? you are getting divorced. why did she feel the need to tell?

 

 

 

we have a son together so I'll have contact going forward. Someone please give me some advice on how to deal with these feelings I'm having.

 

easy, once you start dating and are involved with other women, the incident won't matter to you one bit.

 

my xWife had full blown cheating sessions. I was angry, but once I filed for divorce, I didn't waste any time. I wasn't looking to date, but found there were a couple of women waiting my divorce. Nothing takes your mind off a total beeyotch, than enjoying the company of women that are NOT your X.

 

Trust me on that. Once you realize there are better women out there, you can actually laugh at her stupidity and the fact that she cheated.

[bigguy]

The same thing happend to me, but I had a problem giving my ex-wife an orgasm our entire marriage. She told me she had sex with some guy and she finally had an orgasm, she was very detailed about his expertise work on her clitoris and how he finally made her feel like a woman. This was very brutal for me to handle because I still loved her dearly. The image of her in a state of ecstacy with some other man makes me sick. To top all this off, she told me when he came inside her, she was begging him for more and now she can't get enough. We have 4 children together and I never thought something like this would take place so soon. In the end, I had to accept that this is the way it is and I cannot change what has happend. She says she loves me but I can't satisfy her like this other guy.