I cheated on my husband.

[beyondregretful]

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years now and married for over a year and about 2 months ago I cheated on him with a man that I met while at work. My husband did find out about my affair and moved me out of the house. We have since then gotten back together with a lot of conversations about the affair and with me lying to him several times just to spear his feelings about what I've done. After hundreds of conversations discussing the affair I came clean on everything! He told me all I had to do is come clean and we would heal from this... Wrong!!! It has done nothing but damage us more but I can tell you that I'm glad I did tell him everything. I'm an open book now and have nothing to hide. I've done everything I can do to save this marriage, I've quit my job, changed my cell number and had no contact with anyone but my family. Let me say that these things that I've changed was my idea thinking that this would make him feel better and be able to trust me again.

 

I want my marriage!!! I'm beyond sorry for what I did.. My husband is a wonderful man and I feel like a monster for what i've done to us.

 

Please help me.... He tells me know that he needs to pay me back for this but I've read so much online about revenge affairs and they just dont work..

 

Yes I understand that men and women are different when it comes to affairs and I understand that this hurts a mans ego and their pride but what do I do?

 

I'm so lost.... Half of the time he tells me to get out but then after 4-5 hours of conversation we are a lil better and are able to get through the night...

 

He doesnt think he will be able to forgive me or even more on.. He said there is someone else out there that he needs..

 

I dont want to lose my husband. I love him so very very much.. He is my world and I made such a awful mistake and I know I would never hurt him again... Please help me save my marriage...

 

Lost and Confused...

[boldjack]

OP, Face facts, your marriage is finished. You not only betrayed him , you lied to him for months , trying to sooth his feelings, when all he ever wanted was the whole truth. Now, you say you are being truthful, but how is he supposed to know ? He trusted you before, and look where it got him. He will probably never be able to trust you again, whatever you do. Almost all marriages, where there is a cheating spouse , will eventually end in divorce. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to end it and go your separate ways. He will be able to find a good, honest woman, and you will be able to start a new love, with honesty and faithfulness. Good Luck

[Devil Inside]

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

If he is talking about revenge affairs he his not close to beig over what happened...it takes awhile. There are others here whose marriages did survive an A...and they started off as you did with a confession.

 

Good luck...don't give up yet.

[beyondregretful]

Boldjack--- Well let me give you a few more details about us... We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages. While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair.. I do respect your comment but I did want to give you a lil more information about us and our not so perfect past.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP, Face facts, your marriage is finished. You not only betrayed him , you lied to him for months , trying to sooth his feelings, when all he ever wanted was the whole truth. Now, you say you are being truthful, but how is he supposed to know ? He trusted you before, and look where it got him. He will probably never be able to trust you again, whatever you do. Almost all marriages, where there is a cheating spouse , will eventually end in divorce. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to end it and go your separate ways. He will be able to find a good, honest woman, and you will be able to start a new love, with honesty and faithfulness. Good Luck

[hopesndreams]

Yes I understand that men and women are different when it comes to affairs and I understand that this hurts a mans ego and their pride but what do I do?

 

It's devastating when one is cheated on, be it man, woman, what's the difference?

 

It doesn't look like there is much else for you to do now. Some people are the forgiving type and would work with a cheating partner to try to make things right again. If that's even possible. Your H isn't one of them. Let him move on with his life and give him the chance to find true love with someone that will respect him.

[beyondregretful]

Devil Inside-- We have been going to marriage counseling for now 8 weeks and it has helped but all he can say is that I shouldnt have done it and I will just have to pay with my marriage.. But then sometimes he is back to normal and doesnt say anything ugly or about the affair and then BAM its like a switch goes off and he is back on it.. He said his pride and ego just cant take this...

 

 

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

If he is talking about revenge affairs he his not close to beig over what happened...it takes awhile. There are others here whose marriages did survive an A...and they started off as you did with a confession.

 

Good luck...don't give up yet.

[beyondregretful]

Hopesndreams--- We have both not been 100% perfect with each other during our 7 years.. During our dating relationship he cheated on me several times but didnt tell him until he found out about my affair. He lied to me for 4 years about what he had done during our relationship..

 

 

 

 

 

Yes I understand that men and women are different when it comes to affairs and I understand that this hurts a mans ego and their pride but what do I do?

 

It's devastating when one is cheated on, be it man, woman, what's the difference?

 

It doesn't look like there is much else for you to do now. Some people are the forgiving type and would work with a cheating partner to try to make things right again. If that's even possible. Your H isn't one of them. Let him move on with his life and give him the chance to find true love with someone that will respect him.

[boldjack]

Thank you for the new info. It seems like you two have never had any honesty in ANY of your relationships. The best thing you both can do now, is to end it and try to have a more honest future with somebody else. There has been too much cheating going on, for there to be any trust.

[bentnotbroken]

Boldjack--- Well let me give you a few more details about us... We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages. While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair.. I do respect your comment but I did want to give you a lil more information about us and our not so perfect past.

 

 

 

:eek::(And there you have the pattern. Whatever was broken in both of you that allowed you to cheat with each other(him with more than one)no one thought they should fix. Two broken screwed up people don't = a happy, stable healthy marriage. It is just a matter of time before one or both of you destroy it. You know those seeds you laid out there when you were cheating on his wife with him....how do her shoes feel? I would imagine the hurt like hell. You say he lied to you for years about his cheating...no he didn't. You knew he was a liar and a cheat when you said I do. What made you think his character flaws would disappear without any work? Did your's disappear, nope. Time to move on and get some help fixing yourself.

[reservoirdog1]

Hopesndreams--- We have both not been 100% perfect with each other during our 7 years.. During our dating relationship he cheated on me several times but didnt tell him until he found out about my affair. He lied to me for 4 years about what he had done during our relationship..

Firstly, he needs to get off his high horse. He's not entitled to a revenge affair (not that anybody ever is). As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter that he cheated before the wedding and you cheated after it. Each of you betrayed the other.

 

I have no idea if your marriage can be saved, or if it's worth saving. Only the two of you can determine that. But if you're going to try, it strikes me that you should get a good couples counsellor and agree that your relationship has to "start at zero" -- i.e. each of you gives the other a fresh start. Neither of you is morally superior to the other, and neither of you is entitled to denigrate the other or get a "freebie".

 

Good luck...

[confusedinkansas]

Please help me.... He tells me know that he needs to pay me back for this but I've read so much online about revenge affairs and they just dont work..

 

I can understand how you feel about doing this. Been there myself! BUT for him to turn the tables this way & say that he should 'PAY YOU BACK'....WTF is that about?

 

Sorry I think his thinking is WAY OFF!!!!

 

Firstly, he needs to get off his high horse. He's not entitled to a revenge affair

 

EXACTLY The way I think about this situation. He is NOT entitled. This does not give him carte blanche' to do to you what you did to him.

 

 

We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages. While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair

 

WOW Lots of cheating going on here! Looks to me like you two have quite a LOT of repair work to do IF it is to stay in tact. (I'm not a believer in chucking a marriage because of an infidelity - but THIS little tid-bit of info is HUGE)

 

When you married him didn't you think & didn't HE think for that matter that it COULD HAPPEN AGAIN? Did you not have that conversation? Most marriages like this don't last. I said MOST...Not ALL!

 

Sorry - I read the thread backwords

[MistyK]

You both seem to have some serious fidelity issues. Neither of you can claim it was "lesson-learned" because you keep doing it over and over. What about this is worth saving? It sounds like you two will continue to fill the holes in yourselves with affairs. You went from cheating with each other to cheating on each other, so obviously something is still missing in both of you. I'm sorry, but I just don't see this as salvageable. There's no trust and a common expectation of continued cheating.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever dynamtic you two have had HAS to change immediately. Trust is obviously an issue and will be for a long time unless you two go to counselling and work together to fix this.

 

No games, no bullsh.it - Just honesty and changing behaviours/habits/old ways.. How you two got together has affected each of you - that once a cheater, always a cheater comes to mind..

 

COMMIT to eachother and learn to communicate and really listen to one another. Don't go outside to seek attention/love/sex from other people.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hopesndreams--- We have both not been 100% perfect with each other during our 7 years.. During our dating relationship he cheated on me several times but didnt tell him until he found out about my affair. He lied to me for 4 years about what he had done during our relationship..

 

Just based on his fixation on revenge and the circumstances in which he confessed this... I would take his cheating with a grain of salt. There is a chance he is simply lying to make you feel the same pain he is feeling.

 

As to your situation. How did he initially find out about the affair?

 

Also, for what reason do you want to save your marriage?

[Trimmer]

We have since then gotten back together with a lot of conversations about the affair and with me lying to him several times just to spear his feelings about what I've done.

First of all, honesty time: you didn't lie to him "just" to spare his feelings, you told him just what you needed to, to release the pressure of the guilt, but you held back anything more to avoid dealing with the hard work of honesty, and his probably negative reaction. That's understandable, but please be honest with yourself, and also realize that this is one of the sources of his hurt.

 

 

After hundreds of conversations discussing the affair I came clean on everything! He told me all I had to do is come clean and we would heal from this...

Unfortunately, while that is an important part of the process, it doesn't just happen in the snap of your fingers, and there's no guarantee that it will, but he was clearly so desperate for the truth that he wanted to believe that himself.

 

Wrong!!! It has done nothing but damage us more...

Another honesty check here: "telling him" isn't the thing that damaged your relationship; it's the affair that did that.

 

...but I can tell you that I'm glad I did tell him everything. I'm an open book now and have nothing to hide. I've done everything I can do to save this marriage, I've quit my job, changed my cell number and had no contact with anyone but my family. Let me say that these things that I've changed was my idea thinking that this would make him feel better and be able to trust me again.

And so look at that, it may be that coming clean and being completely open did have some positive effect. Now, unfortunately, the ball is in his court as to whether he wants (or is able) to try to heal the marriage, and in light of your later comments about how your relationship and marriage was built on a slippery foundation of infidelity, that may be a shaky question.

 

Especially given your past (both of you), what's really wrong with the marriage is not going to heal by just letting time take it's course. If there's any possibility, you will both have to commit to doing some work on yourselves to heal - some hard work.

 

The question is: now that you see that this is a pattern (and his turning immediately to the idea of using an affair to "get back" seems to be just another indication of how he sees infidelity as a somewhat normalized part of relationships...) has it shaken you both enough - created enough trauma - that this could be a moment of true, deep change for you both?

[Dexter Morgan]

Please help me.... He tells me know that he needs to pay me back for this but I've read so much online about revenge affairs and they just dont work..

 

no, they don't work. even if he feels better by getting even and not being the only one in the marriage that got to be able to get a little strange, the problems still exist.

 

Besides, he'd be sinking to a low by getting revenge.

 

 

Yes I understand that men and women are different when it comes to affairs and I understand that this hurts a mans ego and their pride but what do I do?

 

if you think its only about ego and pride...think again. No mistake, its about being hurt by someone he thought loved him.

 

now a revenge affair is his attempt to deal with the ego and pride issue....but it will do nothing for the pain you have caused that have nothing to do with either ego/pride.

 

 

I'm so lost.... Half of the time he tells me to get out but then after 4-5 hours of conversation we are a lil better and are able to get through the night...

 

this is the roller coaster of emotions you brought about in him. I understand it completely. I was the same way for over a month before I decided to file for divorce. He is in a desperation phase. He thinks his world will end if he gets rid of you, but he can't imagine looking at you on a daily basis if he stays either. It will take some time before he knows what he wants, and that may be many more months away.

 

 

He doesnt think he will be able to forgive me or even more on.. He said there is someone else out there that he needs..

 

even though there is a small chance he means what he says in the bolded part, it more than likely is an attempt to hurt you back without doing the revenge cheating thing. Right now he is trying to decide if you are the best thing for him or if he deserves better.

 

 

 

I dont want to lose my husband. I love him so very very much

 

if that were really true, you wouldn't have cheated on him.

 

 

He is my world and I made such a awful mistake

 

a mistake? so basically you didn't want to have sex with another man. the other man threw you on the bed and forced you. and your only mistake was being with the guy?

 

sorry, it was no mistake. You cheated because you wanted it. Saying it is a mistake is an attempt to downplay it as "it was ONLY a mistake". There is no ONLY about it.

 

 

and I know I would never hurt him again... Please help me save my marriage...

 

the only thing you can do is show him with action. you took the biggest step already, you quit your job so you are no longer with the OM.

 

But what you have to realize is, you scarred him. Its not easy to forget what a cheating spouse did to you. Its not easy for him to be able to put out of his head the visions of you being pleasured by another man. That is something he will NEVER forget. As long as you two are together, you will have to accept the fact that when he looks at you from time to time, even if he doesn't show it, he is reeling inside with the thoughts of what you did to him, and to the other man.

 

That doesn't mean he won't forgive you and come to a point where he doesn't think about it every single day.

 

But by the way he talks, he wants to get even. He wants someone that won't f### him over the way you did.

 

But only time will tell. If you are serious about wanting to "save" this, then you just have to keep doing what you are doing. The ball is in his court. You'll have to wait for him to decide how he wants to proceed.

[Dexter Morgan]

Boldjack--- Well let me give you a few more details about us... We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages.

 

wish I would have read this first...geez.

 

Then it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him. And it shouldn't come to a surprise to you if he goes out and gets revenge.

 

 

While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair..

 

well then he has no right to be mad. Neither of you do. But then again, you are perfect for each other.

 

Do what you can to make sure you stay married. You are saving 2 other people by doing so.

[TaraMaiden]

Excuse me....??

 

Only two....?

You're kidding, right?

[avenger]

Boldjack--- Well let me give you a few more details about us... We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages. While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair.. I do respect your comment but I did want to give you a lil more information about us and our not so perfect past.

 

Wow

You read up on revenge affairs but forgot to read up on eloped marriages for a new marriage... Studies show that these relationships do not last....

You and him started your relationship on lies to your spouses.....

This is what I call karma in this case.....

If you look back at what you both had done to your previous spouses to now you can see it....

I think your marriage is doomed.....

2 marriages down...... How many more will you mess up?

You have to fix yourself 1st before getting married.......

I think you and your soon to be ex-husband should stay being single. You guys can not control yourselves right now

You both should seek some type of counseling

[seibert253]

We're doomed I tell you, doomed - Dr. Smith, Lost in Space

 

I don't know whether to flame away or feel sad.

 

Karma's a b#tch.

[Dexter Morgan]

Excuse me....??

 

Only two....?

You're kidding, right?

 

you know what i mean, 2 other people that would think they are entering a committment with either of these 2 if they weren't married.

[tami-chan]

Boldjack--- Well let me give you a few more details about us... We got together by cheating with eachother during previous marriages. While we were dating he cheated on me several times and just told me now after he found out about my affair.. I do respect your comment but I did want to give you a lil more information about us and our not so perfect past.

 

Beyondregretful, what is it about your husband that you love so much? Why do you love him so much?

 

What are you willing to go through in order to be at his good graces?

 

Remember, this is a man who has cheated on YOU several times and KEPT it to himself. Do you think he deserves YOU? If yes, why? if no, why? and don't forget, he is planning to cheat on you (yet again!) to teach you a lesson.....nice guy

 

Well, somebody suggested marriage counseling, it might do you good. Personally, I would walk out-there is no way, I would be at the mercy of a a serial cheat.

[tami-chan]

We're doomed I tell you, doomed - Dr. Smith, Lost in Space

 

I don't know whether to flame away or feel sad.

 

Karma's a b#tch.

 

Karma, eh?

 

You reap what you sow?

 

Poetic justice?

 

Chickens coming home to roost?

 

LOL....I guess there is no forgiveness nor redemption. Why don't we say that to people who have been APs or WSs and are now BSs?

[samsungxoxo]

How convenient......Your husband gets all mad about your affair but he can freely cheat on you whenever he wants to and now he's using the revenge affair excuse to cheat again.. What do you love about that?? Why are you settling to be treated like garbage??

He doesn't love you and you don't love him either. Neither of you two are right for the other. Before this worstens, you might want to start filing for divorce...

[GuySimple]

Beyondregretful, from what I’ve read hear about your relationship with your husband, trust is something that has been lacking since the day you both met. As they say once trust is gone in a marriage, so is the marriage.

 

I’m not sure what you are trying to save here. It seems that each of you have fidelity issues, that based on the history of your relationship (as you wrote it here) have little chance of changing based on each of your past habits.

 

So, if you’re looking for advice. Call it a day. Marriages fraught with deceit and lies don’t last too long. Chalk this one up to experience and for God sake, don’t marry the guy you had the affair with.