Looking to revive a old thread for

[HUFI]

I have been reading the forums for the past month and had found a much older 2006 thread (below) that seemed to be what I was looking for. A place where I could find some support & advice in my journey of redemption. Just wondering if anyone knows of a more current thread of the same intent?

 

I guess the short message in forum parlance is that I am a MM who had a LTR/EA with a MW who coincidently was my LL (lost love). If I/we had thought that we/I had been on an emotional roller coaster during the EA, well that’s nothing compared to what is happening to our hearts now. My wife and I are fighting to survive on a day to day basis and I have no idea what the OW feels since I am committed to a NC boundary.

 

Anyhow, I am willing to share my thoughts and experiences in exchange for some mutual support, advice, encouraging words or anything else.

 

Thanks in advance to any who may reply.

 

For those who have strayed... and are trying to find their way back…. When reading a lot of the posts on here, I got inspired to start a thread for those who have strayed in their relationships/marriages but who are trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Whether it is a full on physical affair that has gone on for years, or a recently developed emotional affair that has gone too far. This is a thread for those of us who have done wrong and are trying to figure out why we've done what we have. Because YES... we can stray away from the most important people in your lives with no ill intent. We can become connected to people other than our SO and suddenly be in deeper than we ever wanted to be. This is for those who want the support to move forward and not be judged in the process.

I'll be the first one to say that I struggle on a daily basis with why and how I have done what I have done. Why I seem to still have trouble with pulling away from this other person and how I am suppose to find my way back to a balanced life. It's not easy... and I think many of us here may be struggling with the same issue but some might be hesistant to speak out for fear of being judged in their situation. But the fact of the matter is that we are all sitting back wondering who we arrived in the place we are in now. How did we allow things to get to this point? How have we found ourselves wandering a place we always told ourselves we'd never wander? How have we lost the grip of the hand of the person who loves us? This is what I struggle with and I know many of you are struggling too... --- littleroom

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[Gamine]

In the movie 'Glory' men on foot quite literally walked into battle head on. Hand to hand combat. Afraid and saying goodbye to a life they lived and knowing with certainty that their life would end in hours. There was a moment when the lieutenant leading his men stood in front of the breaking waves along the beach where they were gathered... readying himself to say goodbye to living. Hits his horse on the rear and walked to the front of the line with his sword drawn.

 

I can hardly imagine the integrity it takes not to run and cower. To walk into a situation that means the end of everything as we know it because doing right matters more.

 

You are indulging yourself with wanderlust and romantic ideas and in the process you may be missing the biggest opportunity to conquer your own weaknesses. Are you the man who walks into battle with the sword drawn because in doing so he wins himself? Or are you the man who hides in the dunes?

 

Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction.

 

Your life can be chicken *hit or chicken salad.

 

Decide. Choose. Commit. Period.

[HUFI]

Thank you for your reply Gamine. I shared one of your posts with my wife after I found the website and she has taken it to heart as it speaks to her very deeply.

 

Quote" When my husband cheated and I read all of the emails back and forth between them something happened inside of me. A tie that binds the two of us 'uniquely' to each other was broken. The continuity I felt between us was severed. We are still together and while I can love him or like him ... and enjoy being with him... in the here and now... the continuity, the intimacy, the feeling that it is genuine, the feeling that our years together were building... one upon the other... Was shattered. Quote""

 

I am proud to say that I have made my decision. The EA is over and I am trying to rebuild the lost trust in my marriage.

 

I have a mantra on my computer, on my room door, on my phone that reads thus.

I am married.

I cheated.

I know that I love my wife.

I have boundaries now.

I must commit to her everyday.

I must tell her that.

No exceptions.

 

 

I am working hard at understanding the how and why, my wife is working hard at getting over the heartbreak and betrayal and we are both writing letters to each other each day as we work on this.

 

But its only been two months since NC and so, her pain is fresh each day as she tries to make sense of my senseless affair.

 

Anything and everything helps. thanks.

[HUFI]

QUOTE from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. Decide. Choose. Commit. Period. - End Quote

 

This is one of my inspirations, written on the wall in front of me right now.

 

My Betrayed Wife emailed me the following today (we're on opposite sides of the planet right now due to career issues) and I am finding myself at a loss for words to respond with.

 

Since you bring it up, I might as well address the "fallback girl" issue. It's really a very short subject matter, although I'm not sure that you'll understand but that's ok. Why do I consider myself the fallback girl? The very short answer is because whenever, I have asked you why you love me, the very first words coming out of your mouth have been "because you love me". In your emails to her, to your brother and to yourself when addressing the "pros" of staying with me, the main answer was "because you know that I love you". So I'm the fallback girl because I'm the sure thing. Might not be undying, eternal love that you feel for me but you know that I love you.

 

All I know is that after all of this, I'm not willing to easily entrust you with the pieces of my broken heart. Yes, I loved you unconditionally but now I have to guard and protect my heart so I'm going to love you "because you love me". I don't know if one day I can recapture that endless love I felt for you and I guess only the future can tell us that.

 

Without getting into a very long story, it might be revelant to know that my wife feels that the OW has been "in my heart" forever and to some degree, I guess the "buried and unresolved" feelings that errupted during the affair give proof to her fears.

 

I'm very remorseful, very guility and very ashamed and working very hard on reconciliation but ....

 

My mind knows that the books say that NC & transparancy & Committment to Reconcilation over a period of time will help rebuild trust but my heart fears that she is drifting away beyound my ability to save our marriage.

 

Anyone got any magic up their sleeves? Any sage advice to help lift some flagging spirts?

[NowhereToHide]

I have been reading the forums for the past month and had found a much older 2006 thread (below) that seemed to be what I was looking for. A place where I could find some support & advice in my journey of redemption. Just wondering if anyone knows of a more current thread of the same intent?

 

I guess the short message in forum parlance is that I am a MM who had a LTR/EA with a MW who coincidently was my LL (lost love). If I/we had thought that we/I had been on an emotional roller coaster during the EA, well that’s nothing compared to what is happening to our hearts now. My wife and I are fighting to survive on a day to day basis and I have no idea what the OW feels since I am committed to a NC boundary.

 

Anyhow, I am willing to share my thoughts and experiences in exchange for some mutual support, advice, encouraging words or anything else.

 

Thanks in advance to any who may reply.

 

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This thread is me as well. How did your W find out about the affair?

[HUFI]

... As a woman who was betrayed by a husband who became involved with a 'past love' I completely understand where your wife is coming from. In fact, I am quite certain that if I were to scour through the many emails I sent to my husband following the months of the affair... many of them would sound just like your wife's.

 

Due to the similarities in our situations, I'd like to share with you my 'take' on this and hopefully shed some light on what may be possibly going on inside of her heart and mind.

 

Expose your soft underbelly to her. Show her you see her. Let her know that you could have had this lost love if you really wanted to... for heaven's sake you could have found her if you wanted to. But you didn't. Let your wife know that she was always your first choice because she is your choice. She must understand that you walked away from this OW and when it was a choice between her and your wife... you chose your wife. In the here and now. Period.

 

When people first meet they are at ground zero. Let's face it... you are below ground zero... way below. So you are going to have to put forth quite an effort to even get back to the starting point. Send her a favorite food... A new ring. Pamper her. Show her. Do whatever you have to to build her belief that she is your choice. You have committed. Now you have to prove it.

 

 

Levely10; Thank you for your words of wisdom and advice.

 

I thought that I was trying hard but you have shown me that I need to work even harder.

 

One of our stumbling blocks is the fact that D-day was when I was at home during one of my holidays from my overseas contract job and then a month later, I had to head back here. I will not be home again until next week for a few days and then again for 3 weeks at Christmas so as you can see, f2f time is slim. We are trying to communicate via email and Skype but for some reason or other , I am finding it very hard to expose myself on Skype and I fear that I'm coming across like I am trying to sweep it under the carpet.

 

I know that we've exchanged a ton of emails and racked up hundreds of dollars in telephone charges but during todays chat, I was stuck with teh impression that she is struggling with this issue quite strongly and then a hour later, I get the email which confirmed it. While we do have good days, today was not one of them.

 

So, between that and replying to a long email from her, I just felt I needed some help and support.

 

I know that I have a long hard battle to fight to regain her trust. Again, thank you for your insight as to how she is feeling and thinking.

[New_Life08]

Totally agree with Lovely10.

 

This is a situation where redemption means exposing your soul to your wife. You betrayed her trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. It will be a true test of your love for her to rebuild what has been lost.

 

I had a friend once tell me about her husband's affairs, she said "I can deal with the one he was with just for sex, but the current one involves emotions, and I can't forgive that."

 

I thought to myself how profound it is that a person is willing to forgive betrayal of intimacy, but emotional betrayal is the ultimate deal-breaker.

 

Here is my park-bench opinion... You need to be honest with yourself about who your heart belongs to. If you want to stay with your wife because it feels the most comfortable and has the least stigma; you are never going to be able to do what it takes to regain what was lost.

 

If you sincerely feel that you made bad choices to communicate with the OW... then you need to let go of your pride and anything else that will get in the way of proving to your wife that it was not love you felt for the OW, but curiosity and infatuation with the past. You had better let her know that your love for her is paramount over any other, and whatever she feels she needs from you to validate that... you need to do it.

 

It may mean that you sit and hand write a letter to the OW and explain how your EA should have never been. What you learned from it, and how it will never happen again. Then show the letter to your wife and let her decide if you should send it. Ask your wife if she wants to write a letter too. And you have to be willing to go along with this without reservation.

 

This is just an example of something you could do...I was thinking about what would make me feel that he is sincere in his love for me....and the letter thing popped into my head.

 

For me it is knowing that the OW is aware that it is completely over and there will be no more communication whatsoever. It is equally important that the OW know you took it upon yourself to set the record straight with everyone... and intend to share it with your wife when you are finished. If you decide to do something like this, do not ask your wife, just do it and show her when you are finished. otherwise she may think it is insincere.

 

Your wife is waiting for you to prove something to her so she can begin to heal. You need to start by putting her back into the forefront of your love and respect as it should be. She should be able to feel without a doubt that you will not allow anyone to ever violate her again.

 

YOU have to be willing to take a confident stand in your love for her. Period. You cannot concern yourself with hurting the OW's feelings or let pride get in the way of doing what it takes; if your wife even senses this, you are back to square one.

 

Footnote: Women do not put a lot of stock into words without actions to prove it. At least not in matters of the heart.

 

All my best to you and your wife~

[HUFI]

This thread is me as well. How did your W find out about the affair?

 

While I was home during the Christmas holidays, my behaviour was "off" and my wife became a bit suspicious.

 

I know it sounds bad but instead of sitting beside her on our couch, I would sit across on the other chair so I could chat on the laptop with the OW durng the evening as we watched TV. I tried to pass off that due to the glare off the window but after 20 years of sitting beside her, it must have triggered something.

 

After I left back overseas, she cracked the password on the laptop that I had used (I think) and found the emails. It's something that I never asked for details about as I did not want her to think that I wanted to know how she found out so I could hide my tracks better next time. I know that she suspects that given the right circumstances, that I would run back to the xgf once more.

 

Anyhow, when she confronted me in June, I confessed the affair and threw myself on her mercy. Thank God that she did not hate me more than she loved me. Since then, we're fighting to get past the normal ups/downs but since we're doing it via LDR, its a bit harder.

[NowhereToHide]

While I was home during the Christmas holidays, my behaviour was "off" and my wife became a bit suspicious.

 

I know it sounds bad but instead of sitting beside her on our couch, I would sit across on the other chair so I could chat on the laptop with the OW durng the evening as we watched TV. I tried to pass off that due to the glare off the window but after 20 years of sitting beside her, it must have triggered something.

 

After I left back overseas, she cracked the password on the laptop that I had used (I think) and found the emails. It's something that I never asked for details about as I did not want her to think that I wanted to know how she found out so I could hide my tracks better next time. I know that she suspects that given the right circumstances, that I would run back to the xgf once more.

 

Anyhow, when she confronted me in June, I confessed the affair and threw myself on her mercy. Thank God that she did not hate me more than she loved me. Since then, we're fighting to get past the normal ups/downs but since we're doing it via LDR, its a bit harder.

 

 

I'm really sorry for your situation. It sounds like you're going through a really hard time. Hang in there.

 

You've definitely gotten a lot of good advice on here. While I am not the BS (I was a MOW) you can certainly take or leave my advice .... The advice you've gotten to open yourself up to her and to really let her know that you know her intimately is great -- awesome in fact. But I would caution you on one thing... I wouldn't go overboard on the material stuff. Buying her a new ring, things like that might give her the impression that her forgiveness can be bought. I agree with the love letters, things like that which expose your vulnerabilities and really take a lot of thought and effort. Meaningful is not the same as material. It's easy to go buy a ring... it's harder to come up with something that truly touches her.

 

A question for you... had she NOT figured all of it out, would you still be with your OW? Do you think you would have ever confessed?

[HUFI]

My sincere thanks to Lovely10, New Life08, NowhereToHide for taking the time to respond with advice and support.

 

I will try to use all of your suggustions in the upcoming weeks/months to show her that I am remorseful and sorry that I had this affair.

 

The suggustion about hand written letters is ironic since the last time I was actually here overseas, we had no internet and were still using handwritten letters between 1996-2000. Time to start up again.

 

I am committed to showing her or telling her daily if possible that she is the centre of my universe and life.

 

thank you!

[freestyle]

I'm going to suggest hand-made gifts as well, if you're crafty.

 

Even if your not, and they turn out abominably, I think she may still be moved.

 

It really is the thought that matters. And the energy spent. The sweetest ring I ever saw was woven from tree bark.

[HUFI]

A question for you... had she NOT figured all of it out, would you still be with your OW? Do you think you would have ever confessed?

 

 

The EA affair started in Nov 08 and while I wrote in my journal about the slippery road to hell that I was on, I did not stop myself. (Regretfully) In early Feb. I did write a letter expressing regret that we could not continue the "affair" and that we would have to be friends only.

 

Over March to June, we tried hard to remain "friends" but we both were having problems maintaining emotional separation. I guess this is when I should mention that each time that she would suggest an f2f meeting, I did find convenient excuses about work or travel arrangements etc that precluded this f2f meeting. I feel that it was my subconscious desperately trying to stop me from taking the last step before we moved to a PA. Would we have been able to successfully resist the temptation and actually move our “fatal attraction” to a friendship basis if my BS had not found out and confronted me? Maybe!

 

I think we might have been able to make the adult choice of not succumbing to temptation but I can’t guarantee that it would have. Let’s put it this way, I’m glad that we did not have to make the choice. I think that the EA is bad enough but to have compounded the damage with an actual PA in conjunction with that EA would have meant that I crossed too many lines for my wife to forgive.

 

I know that my wife feels that we never would have found “indifference” on our own. She is of the opinion that if things would have gone on longer that I would have crossed over to a PA and from there, to leaving her for the OP. Right now she is still struggling with the fear that if the OP knocked on the door and said “I’m available” that I would simply leave with her. I try to tell her that I would not do that but my wife thinks that if my love for her was so weak that I could not resist an online affair, how would I be able to resist her if she showed up in person.

 

The second question is whether or not I would have voluntarily confessed if the BS had not found out. Well, the short answer is no. I don’t think so. One of the problems I have right now is facing the vast gulf between myself image and the reality that I face in the mirror. My sense of honor would have demanded that I do the right thing but I am ashamed to say that I don’t think I would have. I think that I would have gone to my grave with this as my dirty secret.

 

That’s why I’ve been consumed by guilt and shame in the past weeks. Each question that I get asked by my BS is showing me a side of me that I never thought could exist before the affair. I’ve gone from knight in shining amour to a monster and I don’t like what I see in the mirror. Liar, cheater and deceiver. Not a pretty picture at all.

 

The trick to knowing how this affair goes beyond being just an “ordinary” affair is to know that the OP was my fiancé from my high school days. My BS now knows that the OW has haunted my life for the past 30 years. She knows because she demanded that I figure out “why” I had the affair and after a lot of hard soul searching, I had to admit that it was the “buried and unresolved” feelings from 1978 that drove the entire affair. My BS is terrified that I haven’t been able to create indifference and that perhaps all I am doing is using her as the fallback woman.

 

That’s why it was so important to learn as much as I can from anyone that I can find about how to convince my BS about my love and my commitment and my remorse and everything else.

 

FYI. In case anyone wants to know why I still refer to my wife as the BS? Well, it’s a written cue card to continually remind me that she is the Betrayed Spouse. It’s a takeoff on the need to refer to the OP as the OP and not my “lost love” as advised to create indifference. Who knew that I would have to learn all sorts of weird things about affairs?

 

Anyhow, I hope that answers your questions.

 

HUFI

[NowhereToHide]

HUFI, thank you for your candor.

 

I completely understand many of your feelings. When you said that you would probably have taken your dirty little secret to your grave, that is what I struggle with. There are so many people on these boards that have confessed... and what I'm learning is that for each person that has confessed, there are different reasons for why they did.

 

I have overwhelming guilt for my A. I have talked to my therapist a lot about it, and she is saying that it sounds to her as though I would do it to alleviate my own guilt which would just end up burdening him.

 

I am not as worried about how ****ty I would appear (I can't feel worse about myself than I already do). I'm more worried about devastating him and my children. I know that my affair was incredibly selfish -- I thought only about me.

 

Good luck on your journey with your wife. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

[HUFI]

I'm going to suggest hand-made gifts as well, if you're crafty. Even if your not, and they turn out abominably, I think she may still be moved. It really is the thought that matters. And the energy spent. The sweetest ring I ever saw was woven from tree bark.

 

Thanks for the heads up but I have to tell you that if it comes down to me having to weave my own rings out of tree bark, well, lets put it this way, i hope she wears a size 58 ring... LOL.

 

Seriously, thanks for the suggustion... now I just have to find a nice tree out here in the desert here in Sauid Arabia. LOL

[rlt09]

The trick to knowing how this affair goes beyond being just an “ordinary” affair is to know that the OP was my fiancé from my high school days. My BS now knows that the OW has haunted my life for the past 30 years. She knows because she demanded that I figure out “why” I had the affair and after a lot of hard soul searching, I had to admit that it was the “buried and unresolved” feelings from 1978 that drove the entire affair. My BS is terrified that I haven’t been able to create indifference and that perhaps all I am doing is using her as the fallback woman.

 

 

I think you need first to decide whether or not the "buried and unresolved" feelings from 1978 have in fact been resolved. All your wife knows is that those feeling existed, were acted upon, and were interrupted by her discovery. Have you offered up any credible explanation to your wife(other than realizing how much you loved her when you got caught) as to exactly how it is that these feelings have been resolved? I think what I'd want to hear is that once those feelings you had so long ago for her were reciprocated by the OW, the pain of the past dissolved and that relationship lost all of its allure for you. But I'd only want to hear something like that if it was true. You have to dig in and find the truth of the matter.

[justforfun]

That’s why it was so important to learn as much as I can from anyone that I can find about how to convince my BS about my love and my commitment and my remorse and everything else.

 

HUFI

 

How about you sit with the uncomfortable feeling you have right now. I'm not condemning you at all. I just wanted to point out that you give the impression of needing to be doing something, responding to something acting on something. Your wife's email, your ex's emails, your past your future your present. Even your love for your wife is a 'response' to her love for you. It's as though everything requires you to respond in some way or another and in actual fact you are not in control. Being in control means making choices and decisions of your own. Your choices and decisions have been because of something someone else has said or done.

 

If you learned to just sit with a feeling then things may be easier. Maybe not for you but probably for those around you. Maybe the affair wouldn't have happened.

 

Maybe your wife senses that. Knows on some level that you always feel the need to act and react. That must induce so much anxiety in her that you're not in control everything else is.

 

Why not just stop and sit, think if you have to. But stop and sit with your uncomfortable feelings. Give your wife a chance to let her emotions run. Allows her to feel that she can let everything out without expecting a cure all, reasoned response, logical answer from you. Clearly your not the person to be doing this right now.

[justforfun]

That’s why it was so important to learn as much as I can from anyone that I can find about how to convince my BS about my love and my commitment and my remorse and everything else.

 

HUFI

 

You can't convince your wife. You didn't love your wife enough and you weren't committed enough to prevent you having an EA and you didn't feel remorse when you were doing it. So how can you convince her that you feel all that now? Except obviously the remorseful part.

 

You've got no credibility whatsoever right now. Don't try to convince your wife that you do. That's just insulting to her.

[Devil Inside]

How about you sit with the uncomfortable feeling you have right now. I'm not condemning you at all. I just wanted to point out that you give the impression of needing to be doing something, responding to something acting on something. Your wife's email, your ex's emails, your past your future your present. Even your love for your wife is a 'response' to her love for you. It's as though everything requires you to respond in some way or another and in actual fact you are not in control. Being in control means making choices and decisions of your own. Your choices and decisions have been because of something someone else has said or done.

 

If you learned to just sit with a feeling then things may be easier. Maybe not for you but probably for those around you. Maybe the affair wouldn't have happened.

 

Maybe your wife senses that. Knows on some level that you always feel the need to act and react. That must induce so much anxiety in her that you're not in control everything else is.

 

Why not just stop and sit, think if you have to. But stop and sit with your uncomfortable feelings. Give your wife a chance to let her emotions run. Allows her to feel that she can let everything out without expecting a cure all, reasoned response, logical answer from you. Clearly your not the person to be doing this right now.

 

 

These words ring true for me as a BS and as a WS. Sitting with uncomfortable feelings is not my strong suit.

[justforfun]

Hi DI

 

Nice to see I can get something right

 

These words ring true for me as a BS and as a WS. Sitting with uncomfortable feelings is not my strong suit.

[Devil Inside]

Hi DI

 

Nice to see I can get something right

 

Well I wouldn't get too excited. Me agreeing is not necessarily a sign that you got anything right :laugh: I'm glad you think so.