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Can a marriage survive an affair?


broken hearted

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broken hearted

Has anyone here experienced an affair within their marriage and made the marriage work? I mean truly gotten past, forgiven, and lived happily ever after with no signs of another affair?

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Yes it can...but it depends on a lot of factors.

 

I'm happily married, five years post d-day now. It took us a lot of work, some defnite changes in how we did things, but I'm in a better marriage now than I was then.

 

The determing factors are mostly about what the two of you are doing to actively recover and fix the issues in your marriage, both the ones that led to the infidelity, and the ones caused by it.

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This is a pretty broad question. So much depends on the marriage before the affair and the married couple themselves.

 

Speaking from my experience only, yes, I think with a lot of hard work and committed spouses, a marriage can thrive after infidelity. My marriage is so much better than it ever was before...so much better that I almost don't miss my old marriage. But like all good things in life, it took a lot of hard work and commitment.

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Ditto what Owl said.

 

Personally, I have not been in that situation, but I have a friend whose husband cheated on her, and she forgave him. It has been almost four years now, and based on her emails and stories, she is happier now than she dreamed possible.

 

As Owl said, there are many factors, but IMO the two main ones are:

 

1. Total commitment by both parties to rebuild the trust.

 

2. Complete openness and honesty by both individuals to allow no room for a possible affair again.

 

 

 

Where I see most situations fall apart is when the cheater denies the damage that his/her affair has done, and when the cheater refuses to be always open about where he/she is at all times.

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This is a pretty broad question. So much depends on the marriage before the affair and the married couple themselves.

 

Speaking from my experience only, yes, I think with a lot of hard work and committed spouses, a marriage can thrive after infidelity. My marriage is so much better than it ever was before...so much better that I almost don't miss my old marriage. But like all good things in life, it took a lot of hard work and commitment.

 

Yes, it depends on factors, though, length of the A, how discovered, willingness of both parties to work. And patience. I think the best advice here comes from people in quality marriages 2 years post disclosure. I the rest, IMO, and I'm one of them it's too soon to tell. Too many reality adjustments and too soon to see if real changes are made.

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broken hearted

So, both Sunflower and Owl's marriages had affairs and they both survived? How did you survive? Was it lots of marriage counseling? Was it lots of understanding of what was missing in the marriage prior to the affair? Could you give me some specifics? I just found out about my husband's affair that last a couple of months and I spoke to a lawyer and filled out divorce papers the next day. I didn't submit the papers because I wanted my head to clear a little bit. I have always been so firm on my opinions of affairs and that I would never tolerate it in my marriage. While saying that, I do understand that there were issues in the marriage that needed to be addressed and I would imagine that he seeked out what I wasn't giving him at the time. I'm trying to figure out what to do. We have a 2 year old son and I am 8 months pregnant with our second...dispicable a**hole!! I still have lots and lots of anger!!! He seems remorseful sometimes and seems to take it out on me others. It's only been a couple of days since I've known the affair was physical and I don't want to rush into anything!

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Dexter Morgan
Has anyone here experienced an affair within their marriage and made the marriage work? I mean truly gotten past, forgiven, and lived happily ever after with no signs of another affair?

 

I compare marriage and infidelity to a bad car wreck.

 

You total your car, it can be fixed...but at what cost? if you have all the money in the world to fix the car, you can restore it to what "looks" like its original condition...but it will never be the same. There will always be flaws that just bug the sh#t out of your whether in the suspension or body.

 

best to get a new car.

 

same with marriage...can it survive? sure, I suppose. If you call it "surviving".

best to get a new mate IMHO.

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Broke, Yes it is possible for a marriage to be better , post-affair, but it very seldom is. You almost have to completely reinvent a new marriage on the ashes of the old. Your H isn't ready to accept his responsibility yet, so I would go ahead with the D, and see if that brings him around. Good Luck

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Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

 

It's got a good outline of the steps of recovering from infidelity.

 

Has your H shown true remorse? Has he ended the affair, broken off contact with the OW completely and totally? Has he committed to rebuilding the marriage?

 

If the answer is no to any of the questions above...then the jury is still out as to whether or not reconciliation/recovery is even remotely possible.

 

If he has ended the affair completely, if you believe that he's shown true remorse and true desire to rebuild the marriage, then it's possible. If he's still in contact in any fashion with OW, or if he's still going through the "withdrawl stage" (grief/depression over the end of the affair) then it's impossible to even guess what's going to happen here yet.

 

Marriage counseling was a huge factor in my case. So were the 17 years of wonderful marriage PRIOR to her affair...they provided a great foundation to rebuild from.

 

I don't agree with Dex's description of a marriage that's recovered from infidelity, btw. I understand where he's coming from...he didn't want to/wasn't able to consider recovering his own marriage. Nor do I believe that his wife showed any remorse/regret or desire to try to do so either. In that case, he clearly did the right thing.

 

But not having lived through recovering and rebuilding a marriage, he's just guessing at what it's like to live in one that has done so. I live there today.

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So, both Sunflower and Owl's marriages had affairs and they both survived? How did you survive? Was it lots of marriage counseling? Was it lots of understanding of what was missing in the marriage prior to the affair? Could you give me some specifics? I just found out about my husband's affair that last a couple of months and I spoke to a lawyer and filled out divorce papers the next day. I didn't submit the papers because I wanted my head to clear a little bit. I have always been so firm on my opinions of affairs and that I would never tolerate it in my marriage. While saying that, I do understand that there were issues in the marriage that needed to be addressed and I would imagine that he seeked out what I wasn't giving him at the time. I'm trying to figure out what to do. We have a 2 year old son and I am 8 months pregnant with our second...dispicable a**hole!! I still have lots and lots of anger!!! He seems remorseful sometimes and seems to take it out on me others. It's only been a couple of days since I've known the affair was physical and I don't want to rush into anything!

 

I don't like to refer to a marriage as surviving because that, to me, implies that the marriage is just kind of limping along.

 

Each marriage is unique. While most affairs are pretty similar, your marriage will be impacted differently from the next couple's.

 

What saved my marriage was my husband's willingness to do whatever it took to save our marriage. And contrite remorse and an examination of his issues on my husband's part. It took losing our marriage first for both of us to realize what we had and that we truly loved each other. Yes, we had MC and that helped us discover some of the deeper issues but it was mostly my husband and I talking for hours and hours into the night or on a sunny weekend afternoon about what went so wrong and how we wanted our marriage to be.

 

FWIW, I'm glad you aren't rushing to divorce. I think too many couples do this after infidelity is discovered. I am not saying that divorce isn't the best outcome sometimes, it's just that there doesn't need to be a rush to do it. I also said that I could never forgive infidelity but here I am.

 

BH, it's only been a short time since you found out and you're 8 months pregnant to boot. Give yourself some time to sort your feelings and take care of you and your baby right now.

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broken hearted

Owl and sunflower-were your spouses affairs out in the open where everyone knew about them after they were confessed? We live in a very small town and very soon the whole state will know about this. It's ridiculous, I know, you shouldn't care what other people think but I am concerned that I will look like a fool if I take my husband back. What were your circumstances?

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Owl and sunflower-were your spouses affairs out in the open where everyone knew about them after they were confessed? We live in a very small town and very soon the whole state will know about this. It's ridiculous, I know, you shouldn't care what other people think but I am concerned that I will look like a fool if I take my husband back. What were your circumstances?

 

In my circumstances, there were some people who did know about the affair, but not everyone. The OW had a bit of a big mouth and blabbed what had happened to some of my husband's work colleagues but that was his problem to deal with, as was the disappointed reaction of his family.

 

FWIW, I believe that worrying about what everyone else will think is the LAST thing you should worry about it, especially right now. What you should only be concerned with is what YOU think. After all, you are the one who has to live with your decision -if you decide to try to reconcile with your husband or if you decide to walk away.

 

I completely understand your concern about looking like a fool to others if you take your husband back-I think every BS goes through that stage. What really matters though is how you will feel about yourself if you take your husband back.

 

Please make your decision on what you think is the right thing to do-not because of what other say or think. You know yourself, your husband and your marriage best. And it might take some time and some discernment first-that is perfectly okay.

 

As for the whole state knowing about your husband's affair, I know it probably seems like right now everyone will find out and will be talking about it. But speaking from experience, most people won't find out and even if they do, they won't really care all that much. People have short memories and everyone is so wrapped up with their own lives that they won't give your marital situation a lot of thought most likely. Plus, people who find out sometimes move on from your life (friends, acquaintances, co-workers) and that makes it easier.

 

In my own situation, at least 3 people who knew about what my husband did have since moved away, out of our lives, and we don't really stay in contact. So time and space does help this, slowly and eventually.

 

And those who love you (your family and friends), should support you no matter what you decide to do. :)

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confusedinkansas

As most have said - every situation is different.

With my husband & I (I was the cheater) - We stuck it out - he "forgave" me & we putzed along for about 3 years after the affair POORLY!! We had other issues in the marriage as well - so it wasn't JUST about the affair.

Anyway - after a horrible 3 years - we split up for a year. Did the marriage counseling gig, blah blah blah.

We are now back together - We have issues we are ironing out - but ironically none of them has anything to do with the affair. And, they are all managable issues. We're better together than apart & we are better now than we have been for MANY years.

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As has been stated previously, a marriage definitely CAN recover from an affair. The thing is that it depends upon the attitudes of both people in the marriage. Both need to truly want to have the marriage thrive. If the WS attempts to shift the blame to the partner, does not truly repent their actions and make whole-hearted effort to fix things, it will not survive.

 

Conversely, however, if the BS does not work on their part of the things that were less than perfect in the marriage prior to the affair, if they will not forgive and finally leave bad things behind them post-affair, the marriage will not survive either.

 

Finally, if both partners don't put forth all efforts to make their partner happy, the marriage will not work out. It may "survive", but it will not thrive. I (personally) would not want to be in a marriage that simply "survives".

 

Our marriage is 5 years post d-day. It is a wonderful marriage and we are both happy. I am positive that my husband will never ever do something like that again, and he knows he has been forgiven.

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broken hearted

Is it normal for the spouse who committed the affair to have such incredible anger about the whole situation and his confusion and actions to take it out on his spouse who has been betrayed? My husband screams and yells at me everytime I ask him a question about the affair because he says it doesn't matter. He says he's already done what he's done and there's no way to change it. He got upset that I had taken my wedding ring off since he was still wearing his. He took his off afterwards and said it's what I wanted. With all of this anger, he seems to have a real inability to really understand how to apologize because his anger and pain is still so raw from what he's done and the people he's hurt. He keeps saying, "my mother won't even look at me or speak to me." He also keeps saying, he doesn't know what he wants because my mind is already made up and my decision is already final and I'm not an option anymore.

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Well, his anger is an issue IMO. And this changes your situation somewhat. He is taking all the anger that he feels about himself and redirecting it onto you. I think WS cause almost more damage when they do this than the actual affair/betrayal. MY FWH also directed his self-loathing at me...very briefly...until I shut it down.

 

Are you sure he is NC with the OW?

 

Until he works through his self-loathing, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to work on reconciliation. I can't remember from your thread...are you guys in IC/MC?

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He is now trying to play the victim and somehow convince you that he is not at fault....or at least is no longer at fault.

 

He is denying the severity of his actions and is trying to get you to feel sorry for him in his position.

 

Truthfully, if he does not begin to show remorse and sadness while getting rid of the anger, then I see this marriage failing. I recommend immediate counseling. However, he needs to change his attitude.

 

You have a right to feel anger and pain. You have a right to no longer trust him. He is the one who needs to show that he changed.

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broken hearted

He is all over the place. He must have called me 15 times between Friday night and Saturday morning...all hours of the day and night! At first, he was angry and swearing at me when I would ask him a question or mention divorce. Then 20 minutes after that, he called and kept asking me to go back to the marriage counselors even just once because he thought it would help us understand how this happened and he also said plenty of people have gotten through this and we could too. I told him that cheating was a deal breaker for me (even though my heart has not made my final decision) and I told him I had filled out divorce papers (although I have asked the lawyer to hold onto them and not submit them yet) and he started crying, said he was going to be sick and hung up. 2 minutes later he called back crying and said he was sorry he ruined my life, sorry he was such a f*** up, sorry he f***ed everything up, he loves me and he's sorry. Then he hung up. Then he called right back and said his mother won't even look at him (he's staying with his parents right now) and said he doesn't know if he can live with himself and what he's done to so many people. He said he had thoughts of suicide then hung up. He was crying during all of this. I immediately called him back bc I can never take talk of suicide lightly. He didn't answer so I called his parents bc I was worried about him. He had gone to a house where he was building a deck for someone bc he knew they were away on vacation. His father found him there alone crying. His mother called me once his father had picked him up and said that she had just talked her son out of committing suicide. He called me when he got to his parent's house and said he was ok and going to bed. 1 that morning he called me and asked if I was sleeping. I knew he wasn't calling to ask if I was sleeping so I asked what he needed. He said he wants and needs help and wants me to help him. I do think he needs some psychiatric help and possibly some meds. I told him I would not turn my back on him and that I would help but he wasn't able to tell me what he needed from me. He said you've already made up your mind and your decision is final so he couldn't have what he possibly wanted. He called back at 5 that morning crying and asked me to tell our son that he loved him and to make sure he always knew he loved him and to make sure he knew that his daddy wasn't this much of a piece of s***. Then, throughout Saturday if I asked him any sort of questions about the situation, he got so angry that he began throwing and breaking boards of wood (at the house where he was building the deck). He is so angry and disrespectful sometimes and so sad and sorry sometimes.....what!?!?

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Your husband's extreme behavior is scary for you I am sure. It is so obvious that he still cares about you and feels horrible about what he has done.

 

He is all over the place with his emotions but one that really strikes me from your post is that he is feeling extreme remorse. This is a good thing...it shows that he feels bad about his choice to have an affair. It shows that he has a conscience.

 

Right now he is probably completely freaked out that he will lose you and the marriage. This is why one moment he begs you not to divorce him and then resigns himself to what he sees as the inevitable divorce. This sounds so much like my husband last year.

 

BH, you sound like a compassionate person. This is good because your husband needs your compassion right now. I'm not saying you should take him back, but it is obvious that he feels horrible about what he has done. But some understanding of his emotional turmoil might help him work through this stage. He simply doesn't appear, from what you have posted here, that he was one of those cheaters that is telling you just to get over it, that it was no big deal, he didn't mean it, blah, blah, blah.

 

When your husband reacts so strongly to your questions about the affair, by outbursts, anger, or whatever, he simply doesn't know how to handle the destruction that he caused.

 

All that said, your husband has done this to himself. You don't need to take his verbal assaults...take care of yourself and your baby and your young son.

 

I wish I knew what else I could say that would help you more. My FWH behaved somewhat like what you describe here. He would beg and plead with me not to divorce him one minute and then turn angry the next. I didn't understand what was going on with him because I didn't find out about his affair for several months. I didn't have a helpful place like LS to go for advice...I muddled through on my own in total confusion and pain. I remember he couldn't look me in the eye.He finally confessed to me and we have since recovered our marriage. As we have talked and worked through things since, my husband has realized that a lot of his behavior was a result of his own self-loathing.

 

Please take care of yourself BH and take it one day at a time.

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hopesndreams

You need to NC his azz until he gets his head out of it. He should be kissing the ground you walk on and instead of being angry with you, he should be angry with himself. He's done a terrible thing and unless he is begging and pleading your forgiveness, and righting the wrongs the marriage doesn't stand a snowballs chance in h*ll. He needs to give full disclosure and accountability. Is he still in contact with the OW?

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or at least don't let him think you are...

 

So, I can relate to your situation a bit. And, sadly, your WH's too. I had an affair a number of years ago -- the details of which I won't bother you with too much -- and did a damned good job of gaslighting my husband. I think since mine was essentially an EA up to that point (and if anyone had said "you're having an affair" I wouldn't have even thought so) it was easy for me to think I was essentially above blame and it was easy to compare my H to the OM and see everything he was doing wrong.

 

I now realize that was all affair fog b.s. -- I am deeply ashamed of how I treated my H during that time. I was legitimately angry with him about some things -- the A released some of it that I had pent up, but I also undoubtedly blamed him unnecessarily, projected my own guilt (anger at myself) onto him. Horrible, but true.

 

It really sounds like your H is caught up in the fog still and he is his own little stormy weather system within it. It's bloody awful that he is blowing all over you. I've read your other threads and -- I say this with total love and empathy for you -- you sound like a floormat who can type. I doubt that is what you normally sound like, but I think you have been so turned inside-out by his head games, his gaslighting of you, that you have kind of lost your bearings and your sense of strength. And I can relate to that too. I am one of those nifty combinations of a FWW turned recently BW, and I too had weeks of trying to figure out what was right, what I should do , and mostly what had happened to my H who seemed to have become a creature I barely recognized.

 

It sounds to me like you are a good candidate for the "180" approach. I don't know much about it, but there are those around here who do and you can find out more about it from other websites, too.

 

You have put up with such garbage from your H lately and now he's just using you as his doormat. You need to show up as something stronger than that or he is not going to get it. I'm not an expert, but it hurts to read how sad and confused and desparate you are sounding in many of your posts. Time to take care of you, time to figure out what YOU want. You're the one who has the better chance right now of rational thought -- he's too tangled up still -- but you won't have it while you are still dealing with all of his ups and downs, all of his drama.

 

Put your foot down -- demand the time and space you deserve to figure it out -- then take it.

 

I know you're strong. Time for him to remember that too. Much love...

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Owl and sunflower-were your spouses affairs out in the open where everyone knew about them after they were confessed? We live in a very small town and very soon the whole state will know about this. It's ridiculous, I know, you shouldn't care what other people think but I am concerned that I will look like a fool if I take my husband back. What were your circumstances?

 

BH, My WS had almost a two year affair with a newly divorced co-worker. People "suspected" but never relayed their suspicions to me.

 

After DDAy, I threw him out and basically confided to those friends and family members who loved us both. Until I was sure what I wanted, I did not want to be hampered by people advising me to "throw the bastard out!"

 

Contact with the OW continued for about 3 months. My WS was deeply depressed and ashamed when the affair was discovered, also wanting to end it all. I am convinced he stayed in contact with her as his plan B lifeline: If I did not want him, maybe she still would (and she did).

 

I told him to get counseling to figure out his confusion, but there would be no talk of our relationship until he went NC with her. I told him I would not commit to a future with him until he straightened himself out first and figured out why he did what he did.

 

The affair is NOT your fault. There are so many other options to repairing or walking away from a marriage.

 

His depression is NOT your fault. You did not cause it, can't control it, or cure it. Only he can.

 

Do not allow him to manipulate you with his emotions. If and when you see he is serious about helping himself, only then can he work on helping you and the marriage he betrayed. Get yourself to counseling and focus on your happiness, your needs, and the needs of your child and the impending birth of your new baby. Get all the support you can.

 

As for what everyone else thinks? Yes, I too felt like a fool and somewhat humiliated after DDay. But it became more important to figure out how I felt; about myself, my future, and the positive steps he did undertake to repair the relationship.

 

News flash, if this makes you feel any better: 65% of all people interviewed claim they could never take a spouse back after an infidelity. Ninety-five percent of married women do. Of that number, 55% make five years.

 

You always have options. Give yourself TIME to figure it out for you.

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broken hearted

Here's the thing! My husband up and left 5 months ago because he was unhappy with some things in the marriage and some of the ways I treated him. I take full responsibility for the mistakes I've made and did go to counseling to understand my mistakes and issues. So, we had been separated since beginning of Feb. (although not by my choice I asked him to come back several times so we could work it out). His response to coming back was always, I'm working on it, I am working on healing myself and the hurt you've caused me. I'm not entirely sure when he began talking to this other woman. I know he had to speak to her frequently bc of work but I don't know when it turned personal and talking outside of work. He talked with her about his unhappiness with the marriage and she was there to listen and basically be there for him to run right into her arms. I have no idea when the relationship turned sexual but I'm sure soon after he moved out. It all makes sense now that he wasn't coming home bc he knew he wouldn't be able to keep up the lie and see her when he came home. I just cannot figure out where his head is at right now...one day he's calling me asking me to go back to counseling and we can work through this and the next he sees that I'm not wearing my ring and he was and he says he doesn't know what he wants bc I've already made up my mind. It's very hard to understand whether he's truly not taking responsibility for his actions and truly isn't remorseful or whether he's very angry with what he's done and is not knowing how to handle it and projecting his anger on me.

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It doesn't matter if its because he's angry with you, or with himself.

 

He's still not demonstating true remorse. He's insisting that you "get over it"...which is precisely the WRONG thing to do.

 

YOU need to "woman up" on him.

 

Stop letting him do this.

 

Tell him that his choice is simple...either he knocks it off, and works with you to figure out how to deal with this...or it IS divorce, point blank, no questions.

 

Take a stand. Tell him that he's the one who created this mess, and HE needs to do everything needed to help you deal with it. PERIOD.

 

Don't be afraid to INSIST on what you need.

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broken hearted

Thanks Owl! He wrote me an email this morning that said he's willing to go back to marriage counseling to learn better communication about this whole thing and to figure out where our marriage went wrong, he said he's sorry for his actions and it was up to me how I wanted to continue this. This is a red flag isn't it? Honestly, if I were the one who had the affair, I would have came crawling up to our doorstep on my hands and knees to apologize and beg for another chance. I would be willing to do whatever it took, and I mean whatever it took, to gain trust and respect back.

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