Going from Plan A to Plan B

[singleish]

Ok, a quick summation: Together for 13 yrs, married 9. We have one child. Our relationship hit critical a couple years ago. We entered counseling together. She had been having an EA for 6-12 mos. at that point. Over the next 6 mos of counseling, EA turned physical. When I found out, we decided to separate(not legally), but I told her if one of us was moving out, it was her.

 

While it probably isn't super relevant, we are 31,

OM

is late 40's. Can you say Daddy Complex?

Fast forward two years.(too long, I know) I've been hoping to salvage the marraige, been working Plan A without actually knowing it (mostly). The relationship with OM has continued, and has generally been hidden from most people. My family didn't know, most of hers don't, most of the friends don't. I'm sure that for most of those she HAS told, OM only came into the picture after separation. In the last week, my immediate family discovered the affair.

 

Wife has admitted being a cakeeater, but still wants to sit the fence.

 

Now, the time frame I had in mind for putting this all to the question has just about expired. I'm thinking the end of the month is it for any attempt at Plan A. Keeping in mind that I DO still want to save the marraige, here are a few questions I have about Plan B and the 180.

 

0.5 Do I make an official statement about the 180, or just start it?

 

1. Exposing the affair: Should I be actively telling folks about this(if they ask about us), or simply stop making any effort to hide it? In particular, should I make sure her family at least hears my part of the story? I'd like it to be clear that this guy was an affair and not just "someone I've met while seperated" (I understand they will back her in the end)

 

2. Should I file for the divorce immediatly since there is a six month cooling off period, or see how a month or two of the 180 treats things.

 

3. Right now we have shared custody 50/50 (on of the reasons I kept the house). But if I go 180, I'm certain she will try to use my son as a contact point. ie: asking me to meet them for dinner because he misses me and so on. I'm 95% certain it won't come down to a battle over visitation. She knows it would be an ugly fight with her history of depression and alchohol abuse.

 

4. I have no desire to date anyone, but she is the jealous sort, so should I drop the occasional hint about a "completely platonic friendship" that happens to be a woman? I don't mean panties on the floor, I mean making mention of not being able to meet up with her because I'm having dinner "with a friend" and then rapidly changing the subject.

 

5. After two years of anger and pain, I've mostly exhausted my tears over the whole thing. (Still manage to find anger though) So ceasing to mention any feelings of sadness or loneliness isn't a problem. However, where do you put the line between "I'm moving on and feeling good" and "If you are willing to break contact with OM completly and return to counseling I'm willing to try and work things out."

 

6. I'm sure I'll think of something else later.

 

Thanks.

[jwi71]

You know...I typed out this bulleted response and the more I wrote and the more I read I eventually just gave up.

 

I see nothing worth saving.

 

Hire a lawyer, file for D and move on.

[Spark1111]

You take one baby step at a time.

 

Yes, you file and expose the affair at the same time. Hold on tight.

 

You establish rules, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. For example, if she initiates NC which she is willing to have you verify, you will consider MC, but prefer to remain separated. If you sense she is TRULY trying to work on the marriage and has no contact of any kind with the OM, you will re-visit all conditions.

 

You visit with your attorney and figure out your options.

 

The hardest part: Focus on you. Begin to live the life you feel you deserve. Imagine she is no longer an option (though she may be). how do you see a future for yourself, if she is no longer in it? --a very real possibility.

 

The biggest question: Do you still love her? Because the work set out for the BOTH of you in restoring this marriage is monumental. You can't just want to win her back. BOTH of you have a long, arduous process in front of you.

 

OWL -- did I forget anything?

[Stung]

point of clarification, please...you have been separated, and living in separate houses, for two years? she has been carrying on her relationship with the OM the entire time?

 

that doesn't sound like fence-sitting to me, it sounds like she has moved on. am i missing something?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude 2 years of cheating??? WTF you should have been filed for divorce!!!

 

Why didnt you expose when she left?

 

I'd say file for it and expose and let the chips fall where they may. I mean it's been going on for 2 years. what you think she's just gonna drop the OM nd come back like nothing ever happened. You need to get a life in a ways and start moving on.

[Owl]

I think that you've sorta got it right, Spark. Exposure is the critical part of plan A that he still needs to complete before he does anything else. Talk with a lawyer, protect yourself financially/legally, and expose the affair to all who could pressure her to end it.

 

But, you don't file for D when you go to plan B...that's a mixed message. You write and send a plan B letter, and you button down.

 

But here's the thing...I want to caution the poster that his odds of a successful resolution to anything he does at this point aren't good.

 

Two years of a "semi" plan A is far, far too long.

 

It became plan "doormat" long ago.

 

She won't believe anything he does at this point. She won't believe that he can do plan B. At this point, her independent behavior is so ingrained she'll WELCOME plan B more than she'll feel the loss of him.

 

If he does this, he needs to do such a dark plan B that she'd can't possibly misconstrue his intent with it. NC of EPIC proportions...the likes of which could only be described by an Apollo team on the dark side of the moon.

 

But I don't want to raise false hopes...as I've said...this isn't looking as a highly effective measure this late in the game.

[singleish]

point of clarification, please...you have been separated, and living in separate houses, for two years? she has been carrying on her relationship with the OM the entire time?

 

We have been physically separated for that time, yes. She lives about 3 blocks away from me in an apartment. The primary reason I let it go that long is that I played a central role in getting our relationship to critical in the first place, and I needed most of that time to get my own **** together.

 

Putting up with it for 2 years was waaay stupid looking back, I told myself that since I knew they weren't spending much time together, there was a chance it might just die off. But, now that I'm here, I figure the only way to approach it is as if it were an existing affair that I just discovered.

 

While this wasn't the actual issue, imagine I'm an alcoholic, not abusive, but chronic. Saying "Choose, him or Us" doesn't seem like a good idea if I still have alcohol on my breath. Getting myself sober with a good 6-9 month track record seemed like a much better place to be standing when making that demand. Granted, I never let her think it was OK, or that I condoned her behavior, I just held off on issuing the ultimatum until I could actually present a picture for us that held some hope.

 

 

Not outing the relationship at the time may have been my biggest mistake. I don't know. Our counselor at the time felt that outing it then was not the best idea. Then we stopped going due to finances, so I'll never know if she would have changed her mind.

[singleish]

I think that you've sorta got it right, Spark. Exposure is the critical part of plan A that he still needs to complete before he does anything else. Talk with a lawyer, protect yourself financially/legally, and expose the affair to all who could pressure her to end it.

 

But, you don't file for D when you go to plan B...that's a mixed message. You write and send a plan B letter, and you button down.

 

But here's the thing...I want to caution the poster that his odds of a successful resolution to anything he does at this point aren't good.

 

Two years of a "semi" plan A is far, far too long.

 

It became plan "doormat" long ago.

 

She won't believe anything he does at this point. She won't believe that he can do plan B. At this point, her independent behavior is so ingrained she'll WELCOME plan B more than she'll feel the loss of him.

 

If he does this, he needs to do such a dark plan B that she'd can't possibly misconstrue his intent with it. NC of EPIC proportions...the likes of which could only be described by an Apollo team on the dark side of the moon.

 

But I don't want to raise false hopes...as I've said...this isn't looking as a highly effective measure this late in the game.

 

Trust me, I don't have a whole lot of hope, so you don't have to worry about raising it.

 

As far as her believing me... Well, I don't know. In almost 14 years I don't think we've gone without speaking for more than 2 days on more than 2 or 3 occasions. And for the past 2 years we've almost never been apart for more than 3 days. She still depends on me for a great deal of emotional support for herself and parenting support for our son. While I've certainly let this go too long; Plan B will be a HUGE shock to her.

 

What result the shock will have, I don't know.

[Owl]

That's why plan B should normally only follow a stellar "plan A".

 

Because in plan A, you're meeting what needs you're able to, you're making positive changes in yourself (which in turn makes you more attractive to her), and you're FIGHTING for your marriage (which is also attractive).

 

She, willing or not, becomes accustomed to having some of her emotional needs met by you during this plan.

 

The sudden loss of having those needs met, combined with the sudden increase in attractiveness of the BS, helps "push" the direction that the WS falls when plan B hits.

 

In your case, your "push" isn't strong enough to put the odds in your favor.

 

Take every step you can short term to help that "push" go in your favor.

[redtail]

Singleish, you're hurting, that's obvoius. Anyone here who has been cheated on can attest, letting go is very difficult, especially when you think there's something to salvage. From what you've said, there isn't.

 

The longer this goes on, the longer it will take for you to heal. This plan A/B stuff needs to go and you need to get a lawyer, file and look ahead only. The sooner you put this person behind you, the sooner your life will get better and a year from now, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

 

For yourself, do it, you deserve better and you will attract better once you've moved on. Best of luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, a quick summation: Together for 13 yrs, married 9. We have one child. Our relationship hit critical a couple years ago. We entered counseling together. She had been having an EA for 6-12 mos. at that point. Over the next 6 mos of counseling, EA turned physical. When I found out, we decided to separate(not legally), but I told her if one of us was moving out, it was her.

While it probably isn't super relevant, we are 31,

OM

is late 40's. Can you say Daddy Complex?

 

No, but I can say

Fast forward two years.(too long, I know) I've been hoping to salvage the marraige, been working Plan A without actually knowing it (mostly). The relationship with OM has continued, and has generally been hidden from most people. My family didn't know, most of hers don't, most of the friends don't. I'm sure that for most of those she HAS told, OM only came into the picture after separation. In the last week, my immediate family discovered the affair.

 

Wife has admitted being a cakeeater, but still wants to sit the fence.

 

boom! nuff said. knock her off the fence with a divorce.

 

I know you said you want to save the marriage...but really, what is there to save? She wants to be married, but wants to still bone this other man.

 

what is there to save? all you would be saving is a marriage with a woman that wants another man, and even if she stops the affair, she will always be wanting it.

 

She is on the fence which means she won't make up her mind and that you don't deserve a decision.

 

So make it for her. If you want to save this marriage, ok...but again, what are you really saving other than a marriage to someone that wants to bed down with someone else?

[Reggie]

Singleish, you're hurting, that's obvoius. Anyone here who has been cheated on can attest, letting go is very difficult, especially when you think there's something to salvage. From what you've said, there isn't.

 

The longer this goes on, the longer it will take for you to heal. This plan A/B stuff needs to go and you need to get a lawyer, file and look ahead only. The sooner you put this person behind you, the sooner your life will get better and a year from now, you'll wonder why you waited so long.

 

For yourself, do it, you deserve better and you will attract better once you've moved on. Best of luck!

 

I agree. That Plan A and B stuff is largely ineffective, by Harley's own stats. The Plans may improve chances, but it is still a longshot.

Regardless, after 2 years of sitting back, not exposing, essentially doing nothing, I doubt any plan will be effective. She has moved on and so shoud you. You deserve better and need to realize it.

[DNU1]

Normally I'd say nuclear exposure, Plan A for 6 months, then Plan B. But since you are 2 years in with no exposure...well, you are a doormat at this point, and she knows it.

 

She has no respect for you.

 

Go nuclear exposure, file for D and go black (Plan B). That, to me, is your only hope of recovering this marriage. Put the pressure on her and just sit back and watch her actions.

 

If she turns it around you can always call off the dogs (divorce attys). If she doesn't then just head straight through Plan d.

[seibert253]

Normally I'd say nuclear exposure, Plan A for 6 months, then Plan B. But since you are 2 years in with no exposure...well, you are a doormat at this point, and she knows it.

 

She has no respect for you.

 

Go nuclear exposure, file for D and go black (Plan B). That, to me, is your only hope of recovering this marriage. Put the pressure on her and just sit back and watch her actions.

 

If she turns it around you can always call off the dogs (divorce attys). If she doesn't then just head straight through Plan d.

 

On the mark. Trust DN he knows and is crawling through this sh#t right now. How's it hanging DN, you da man. We're hanging tough together.

 

Another added tidbit, if you haven't gone LC then do so. Ignore her calls, texts, etc. Speak with her only about about the kids and finances, nothing else.

[hopesndreams]

She is history. You have done all you can. It's tough, I know, but let her go. The advice you have received is golden. Accept, and move on, and see where that will lead.

[jnj express]

Have you enjoyed sloppy seconds for the last two years. You also are sitting on the fence, do i do this or do i do that. If you still want to R. this mge, and i have no idea why you would, then you tell her, she immediately goes NC, moves back into the house, shows remorse, transparency, and takes care of your pain and visions. I do not suggest any intimacy at this time, that just continues to show you in a weak light. Draw your line in the sand NOW---give her one week to prove to you she has gone NC, and moved back to her family----Otherwise get your divorce filed and serve her NOW