My husband, his colleague and I

[lillyrose]

Hello all! I am not sure if this is the right area I should be posting my story. Perhaps when you have read my story, you can direct me? Thank you.

 

I am 30 years old, my husband is 50. We got married when I was 20. I was a student nurse and he was already an established oncologist in the hospital I was doing my clinicals. Ours was a short courtship. He was a divorced man (was married to a nurse), charming, smart, handsome, with a bit of a temper. I was absolutely in love with him. We have one child, she is 8 years old-daddy's little girl.

 

After I finished nursing school, I worked at my husband's private practice. I basically run the office. I was happy. One day about a year ago, a female called to our office and asked for my husband, the receptionist forwarded the call to me. When I said "hello, may I help you?", the caller asked me who I was, so I told her my name and she hung up. I thought that was odd.This caller called several times that week. All calls to my husband are forwarded to me-that's just standard in our office-not for anything, but many of the callers do not necessarily need to talk to my husband, I can answer most of the questions, and it frees my husband to concentrate on the patient he is seeing at that moment.

 

One day, this woman called again, but instead of me picking up the phone, I directly forwarded it to my husband, but I also picked up my phone and listened in ( I know, it is bad). What I heard was devastating. This woman was hysterical! She was asking my husband what she would do? apparently, she was pregnant. My husband was furious, he told the woman not to ever call the office again and that she knew what she was getting into, and some other unpleasant things. I thought I was going to throw up or faint hearing this, but I kept my cool.

 

I confronted my husband about this and initially he had denied it but I told him I heard everything. Then he was upset with me--angry with me for violating his privacy! Eventually, he admitted to an affair. Another nurse from the same hospital he is associated with. I must have cried forever.

 

My husband was remorseful and we have been in marriage counseling for a year. In the sessions, I have learned that there were 3 other affairs in the 10 years we have been together-two with nurses and 1 with a resident MD. Counseling is excruciating. 6 months after I learned about his affair, my husband suggested that I should work in the hospital that he is associated with. I said what a great idea, I thought to myself,that way I can "watch" him. That was in Nov 08.

 

In Dec.08, now working in the same hospital as my husband's, I met one of his colleagues. An up and coming oncologist. 38 years old, single, handsome, brilliant, cocky. When I met him, he had told me that he has been wanting to talk to me since I started working in the hospital but that he learned I was DR. C's wife and he was heartbroken. I was very flattered by his comment but also thought, he must say that to every female he meet.

 

Dr. B ( the younger doctor) and I have become fast friends. He would always stop by to say hi and or sometimes even chat with me and he would ask me for my opinion about some woman he is dating or want to ask out. Sometimes, he would joke and say things like, if I was not married, he would definitely ask me out or something like that. He has also called me on my cell on occasion and we have exchanged texts.

 

On Valentine's day this year, he gave me flowers with a card that said "to my favorite nurse" and he told my husband about it. It didn't seem like it bothered my husband.

 

Here's the problem (finally), my husband and I were in a social gathering in April, and Dr. B was also there. He got pretty drunk and was joking about how my husband do not deserve me. My husband agreed with him at first but soon got very annoyed with him. One person even told Dr. B gently to stop busting my husband's b*lls. We left the party as it had gone sour. On our way home, Dr. B sent me a text and it said: "I am sorry I was being an a**hole, but you know he does not deserve you. I love you, hope you see that". I was shocked! In the meantime, my husband was really upset with him and said that Dr. B better be careful because he will destroy him. Don't ask me how, I have no idea. Then he asked me who was the text from. I hesitated telling him but did ( what was I supposed to do, considering he was seething with anger). He took the phone from me and read the text. I thought I was going to die that night.

 

My husband made me quit my job the very next day. I have a new cell phone/number. My husband believes I had an affair with Dr. B. I have not, not even an emotional affair. He wants me to prove it to him. How can I prove that?

 

In the meantime, my husband is campaigning to have Dr. B's privileges in the hospital removed. The hospital board balked at the notion-and basically told my husband to take care of his private matters privately. My husband threatened the board WE will sue the hospital and Dr. B for sexual harassment-that is Dr. B he contends was harassing me. But I do not agree with him. He did not harass me. I just want it to go away. I do not want to be dragged in this filth. My husband is not thinking straight. Help.

[Stepone]

I am truly astonished by the utter hypocrisy of your philandering husband!? Did you insist the nurses he was "sexually harassed" by leave the practise?! Did you insist he changed his cellphone number? Or that he left his job?

 

You're a beautiful and mindblowingly forgiving woman, twenty years his junior. I'd call this Dr B and run off into the sunset with him! He sounds like your knight in shining ..er.. lab coat.

[tami-chan]

Lillyrose, welcome to LS!

 

What happened to your husband's xOW, the one you said was pregnant? did she have the baby?

[lkjh]

I get why everyone is saying your H is a hypocrite but if you look at it from the outside, you did have a EA. This guy was flattering you with complements, he let you know he was interested, he gave you flowers, and you never stopped him. This seems like a EA. You are going to have to choose sides. If you don't choose your H's be prepared for the worst. You H is a strong man, he does not seem like the type of person that will put up with this. He is right to go after the OM, he did violate a lot of moral rules. You are going to have to decide what your marriage is worth. If he wants you to prove it you can take a lie detector test. Also ask yourself if you enjoyed the flirting with the OM. Think about it.....this guy was gutsy enough to go after you in front of a party of co-workers. He knew you are married, so something made him think this behavoir was ok. If your H wants proof you can take a lie detector test. You two need to get MC.

[lkjh]

I am truly astonished by the utter hypocrisy of your philandering husband!? Did you insist the nurses he was "sexually harassed" by leave the practise?! Did you insist he changed his cellphone number? Or that he left his job?

 

You're a beautiful and mindblowingly forgiving woman, twenty years his junior. I'd call this Dr B and run off into the sunset with him! He sounds like your knight in shining ..er.. lab coat.[/QUOT

 

Good advice.....leave her H and run off with a younger version. A version that goes after married women and may end up unemployed. Never mind her child and self-respect.

[lillyrose]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Stepone-I did remind my husband about his past infidelities. I am afraid that by talking about "sexual harassment', his actions in the past will also come to light. He said "they" won't dare. I am really distressed about this.

 

Tami-chan- the ex-mistress of my husband lost the baby, although I believe she had an abortion. I am not sure though because my husband told me it is not important. What's important is she is out of the picture and there is no child. Something inside me wants to know, though. Maybe I should just let it go?

 

Ikjh-a lie detector? That is humiliating! I know I did not have an affair with him. I know that I did not even have an emotional affair with him. Sure, I was flattered but the things he had said to me, but who wouldn't be? But I never took it seriously, he was after all talking about his dates and women he wanted to go out with. That's hardly a "deep" emotional relationship.

[hopesndreams]

I was flattered but the things he had said to me, but who wouldn't be?

 

You needed that flattery from someone other than your husband. Why? I can surmise why and you are not happy in your marriage. This EA you had, whether you acknowledge it or not, it was an EA. You may not have thought it was a deep, emotional connection but the one flirting with you, declaring his love for you, sure did. Why? You didn't put a stop to it and you encouraged it by accepting the flowers and having chit chats.

 

You have many reasons to be unhappy but that is no reason to look elsewhere. You didn't like it when it was done to you, there is no payback game here, your marriage is in trouble. Pointing out the obvious, I know, but it doesn't seem as though you are taking any accountability for your actions.

[lkjh]

You are right, it can be humiliating but if you pass it won't be. I think you are trying to down play how serious this is. Him talking about dates does not mean he saw you only as a friend. Usually when I am talking to a girl I still try to make her jealous. Its childish I know but its what a lot of people do. Obviously it was deep for him, otherwise he wouldn't be professing his love to you(especially in such a risky manner). He attacked your H by saying he doesn't deserve. Where did he get this info? I am willing to bet he got it from you. You probably talk about your marriage to him which would be inappropriate. You need to take this more serious and look at it from your H's p.o.v. Just re-read your first post and tell me it doesn't look a little suspicious from your H's side. This definitely has the making of a EA, even if you don't believe it.

 

 

Im sure you two can get through this. Good luck

[lillyrose]

Hopesndreams-I did not need the flattery. It was freely given to me. I did not seek it. My husband and I are still in marriage counseling and we are happy as can be expected. I did not realize Dr. B had any deep feelings for me. I honestly thought things he said to me were empty flattery, nothing to go nuts or be excited about. The flowers he sent me for valentine's day were sent to the unit. Dr. B himself told my husband about it and my husband did not get offended by it, or if he did, he did a good job hiding it.

 

Ikjh-Considering what he reveal to me in his drunken stupor, I would venture to say that yes, maybe it was an emotional relationship for him. But how can it be a relationship if I did not know anything about it? Is that possible? Also he did not attack my husband, he was "joking" about it-they were laughing and he said "you know you do not deserve this beautiful woman" and my husband responded "you are right, I am lucky". But Dr. B repeated it again and this time my husband was a little annoyed with him, that's when somebody told him to quit it. But it was too late my husband was already upset and we left.

 

Actually, I did not have to talk about my marriage. People knew of my husband's daliances, I was the last one to know. Isn't that always the case? I think my husband should talk to Dr. B and make his feelings known. But he refuses and instead wants him out of the hospital. It seems too extreme a reaction.

 

There are a lot of whispers and gossips and it seems that people are blaming me for this and I do not understand it.

[lkjh]

Lily,

I think you are in denial a little. Your H should not have to talk to him and explain his feelings. No man needs to tell another man that it is inappropriate to try an steal his wife.

 

Second, when I said he attacked your H I was not referring to the joke at the party. I was talking about when he sent you the very serious non-joking text( about your H not deserving you).

 

Third you didn't really answer the question......did you ever talk to the OM about your marriage? I' am aware that people probably gossiped about your marriage but did you ever talk to him about personal issues?

 

Fourth people are blaming you because they were at the party and its hard to believe that this guy would be going after you in this way unless you were opening the door for it.

 

If you really weren't in a EA with him and you didn't lead him on..... then you need to realize that this guy is scum and he was actually harassing you.

[lkjh]

Also, do you think its possible that you are trying to protect the OM?

[lillyrose]

Hello again, Ikjh!

 

I read and re-read your post and you are really making me think and examine myself.

 

First, you are right, my husband does not need to talk to Dr. B, I just thought this is better handled among the three of us, instead of bringing it to the hospital board.

 

Second, I can see what you mean by Dr. B 'attacking" my husband. I have to tell you though, I have this feelings myself-that my husband does not deserve me. Sometimes I think people in the hospital who knew about my husband's extramarital activities look at me like I am a joke for taking him back or that his money is the reason why I have stayed. Many of these people think I am a gold-digger because of our age difference. What an insult to my husband who is a good-looking, smart man! He could have certainly married someone else if he did not think I was in love with him.

 

Third, I do not remember actually having a conversation with Dr. B about my marriage. Our conversations were not deep-not on my part. And certainly, not long enough to have tackled major issues.

 

Fourth, I am protecting my husband and I for further scandal. By threatening the hospital board of a suit, the hospital is now on the defensive. I am very tired of this. I feel like I just went through the fire with my discovery of my husband's infidelities and now this.

 

Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. I can't take the constant Q and A from my husband. I have nothing more to reveal. I am exhausted.

[lkjh]

Your H may not deserve you but this should be a separate topic. You shouldn't allow it to interfere with the issue at hand. Don't worry about protecting your H, by being a Oncologist who his has a reputation he is safe. When is the last time you heard of a unemployed doctor who has a good reputation? You need to sit your H down and see what he wants you to do. Really talk to him. Then you can decide what you want to do.

[PhoenixRise]

Hopesndreams-I did not need the flattery. It was freely given to me. I did not seek it. My husband and I are still in marriage counseling and we are happy as can be expected. I did not realize Dr. B had any deep feelings for me. I honestly thought things he said to me were empty flattery, nothing to go nuts or be excited about. The flowers he sent me for valentine's day were sent to the unit. Dr. B himself told my husband about it and my husband did not get offended by it, or if he did, he did a good job hiding it.

 

Ikjh-Considering what he reveal to me in his drunken stupor, I would venture to say that yes, maybe it was an emotional relationship for him. But how can it be a relationship if I did not know anything about it? Is that possible? Also he did not attack my husband, he was "joking" about it-they were laughing and he said "you know you do not deserve this beautiful woman" and my husband responded "you are right, I am lucky". But Dr. B repeated it again and this time my husband was a little annoyed with him, that's when somebody told him to quit it. But it was too late my husband was already upset and we left.

 

Actually, I did not have to talk about my marriage. People knew of my husband's daliances, I was the last one to know. Isn't that always the case? I think my husband should talk to Dr. B and make his feelings known. But he refuses and instead wants him out of the hospital. It seems too extreme a reaction.

 

There are a lot of whispers and gossips and it seems that people are blaming me for this and I do not understand it.

 

 

I was thinking as I read your original post that the younger Dr. probaly heard about your H's affiars through the grapevine.

 

I see where you say you enjoyed the flattery. That is normal. Especially after finding out about your H numerous affairs. I see no indication that there was an EA on your part because you didn't develop any feelings for the younger Dr and you didn't know he had feelings for you until he sent that text. Some people just like to flirt with everybody.

 

You H is a hypocrit. It seems that it is ok for him to cheat on you time and time again but God forbid anyone should show an interest in you.

 

It also seems that you have very little power in your relationship with your H. If he wants you to work somewhere that it what you do. If he demands that you quit, that is what you do. If he wants to sue the hospital for the younger Dr. sexual harrassment you have no power to say no.

 

Maybe you need to work on taking your power back in the relationship so that you can stand up to your H.

 

Good Luck with everything

[tami-chan]

I am with PhoenixRise. You need to take back power ( if you ever had it) and I agree with lhjk that you need to sit your husband down but I would tell him once and for all, the truth of your friendship with the younger doctor and tell him that it would be the last time you are going to discuss it. Period. He can rage and throw a fit, you will just have to let him do it, but stick to your guns, no more questions about the younger doctor after your talk. You did not do anything wrong here, he is reacting this way because he is coming from a cheater's perspective. That is his problem, let him deal with it.

 

Have you been in contact with the younger doctor? Are you working?

[lkjh]

Whatever you do stay away from the younger doctor. I know a lot of guys like your H, I have been around them. I don't think he will just back down. He may have been a cheater but you don't get to where he is by backing down. He seems like a strong stubborn person and worst of all he has pride. I can assure you that someone with pride will not back down. I know because that is the way I am. Don't think of this as you winning or him winning, think what is best for your family. I still think your relationship with this guy was probably a little on the bad side even if you thought it was innocent. Lastly, I think it is a bad idea to tell him point blank no more questions about the OM, you can not force someone to trust you.

[In Like Flynn]

First your husband has multiple affairs, gets caught, asks you to work there to help him stay faithful, then this happens and he asks you to quit. Well now there is no one there to monitor this serial cheater who can't stop on his own. Why don't I think this will end well!!!

 

Note....counseling is always good but many cheaters go to counseling, they feel cured, commit to the marriage and then do it again. He can't control his enjoyment of the flirting that all the nurses give him. They all want to land a doctor like you did, and don't care that he is married. If you don't work for him there he will do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First your husband has multiple affairs, gets caught, asks you to work there to help him stay faithful, then this happens and he asks you to quit. Well now there is no one there to monitor this serial cheater who can't stop on his own. Why don't I think this will end well!!!

 

Note....counseling is always good but many cheaters go to counseling, they feel cured, commit to the marriage and then do it again. He can't control his enjoyment of the flirting that all the nurses give him. They all want to land a doctor like you did, and don't care that he is married. If you don't work for him there he will do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Again no one has addressed or it has only glossed over the major issues.

 

1. Age difference and control

2. He has a temper

3. She still worships her husband and talks glowingly of when they met

 

I think the counseling is a start, but she needs IC to help her get an understanding of their relationship, her individualism and her independence.

 

Also a few questions as to whether the OP broke up the first marriage and if he has other children.

 

He has had a number of public affairs and I am not sure she even knows how many or for how long. Was he cheating on his first wife with her or others.

 

I will continue to be an old prude but no 40 yo should fall in love with a 20 year old.... 50/30 sure, 45/25 maybe.....jmo

[lillyrose]

Hi everyone! I am in my husband's private practice office. I am here because he does not trust me alone in the house. I have no purpose here. He has hired two RN's since I started working in the hospital. I do not even get to screen the calls for him. The other nurses do it. All calls for me goes to him (luckily there are practically no calls for me). I am very depressed and humiliated. My husband is treating me unfairly. The way my husband is acting is giving credence to the gossips that I had an affair with Dr. B.

 

PhoenixRose-I do not mind following what my husband want. I do not think he is asking of me things that are impossible or that are uncomfortable. I understand why I had to quit working in the hospital. It would have been difficult for me to continue there knowing I am bound to run into Dr. B plus all the gossips.

 

Tami-chan-I will try and talk to him and hope to put an end to it. If not we can talk about it when we have our joint session with the counselor. I have not been in contact with Dr. B. He has , though, sent me an email-apolgozing on how everything went down and saying he understands why my husband is reacting the way he has, that he would do the same if I was his wife. I have not responded to the email and I have not shown it to my husband. Do you think I should show it to him? I worry that it would just make matters worse.

 

Ikjh-I understand what you are saying. I do not understand how the tables have turned. From him being the cheater to me, being the one not being trusted.

 

In like Flynn- so what do you think I should do?

[lillyrose]

Thank you for responding, Toodamnpragmatic.

 

I never looked at our age difference as a problem. I am an old soul and he is young at heart. So we compliment each other.

 

He does have a temper. It is not uncommon for him to yell at a nurse for making a mistake. But he is loved by his patients. At home, everything follows a schedule. One time he was supposed to bring my daughter to school and she was late and he left. Her baby-sitter had to call me (I was already at work). She is only 8! and she was only about 3 minutes late. I just think we have to pick our battles, this was certainly not a battle.

 

I love my husband! I am in awe of who he is and what he has accomplished.

 

What is IC? I do not know all the acronyms and abbreviations yet, sorry.

 

No, I didn't break their marriage up. He was already divorced and had been single for a while and no, there are no children in the first marriage.

 

I do not know why his first marriage did not work. My husband does not like to be asked about his past relationships. I think I was just so happy that he loved me that I did not care about his past. I know, I was naive.

[pparrott]

I'm not 100% positive how the saying goes........But something like this......

He that is the most guilty YELLS the loudest.

 

Are you positive he isn't in the midst of another affair?

 

It seems to me like he is punishing you for NOTHING. He's punishing you for what he's done. You say you don't mind what he's doing...But don't you feel like you're being held hostage for something you did not do? Wow - this screams UNFAIR!!!!!! But, if it's the life you want then I suppose you'll have to make the best of it. You seem to be crying out for help. But what help can anyone give you here if you continue to stay in this unhealthy relationship? Does your counselor know he's holding you hostage? (sorry can't think of any other word for it right now)

He can't trust himself.......therefore you get the punishment for that! Not right in my opinion.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

IC is Individual Counseling.... I read your response and it is typical what I have read hear about May-December romances. There is a huge power shift and the younger one seldom recognizes or acts on it. I am sorry, no 40 year old should be involved with a 20 year old (especially a noted, decorated doctor).

 

You were his plaything. I'd be very wary and certainly be seeing an IC.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

Lillyrose,

 

You are describing a man with very serious control issues, arrogance, anger, self importance and entitlement. He's a user.

 

This has less to do with age than with himself.

 

Two things have to happen in order for you to find happiness again.

 

1) MC (marriage counseling) for the both of you. You need to know exactly who and what you are dealing with. Because he has unprotected sex with other women, you must immediately cease all sexual intercourse until you can both pass two STD tests a minimum of 90 days apart.

 

2) IC for each.

 

He has callously treated you, his staff, the pregnant OW, his daughter...in fact he has pretty much run roughshod over everyone you have mentioned. He is using his status as a physician to elevate and control (after all, he's a doctor and they are kind, good hearted, selfless people - WRONG).

 

Insist on the MC and IC for him. Insist on the STD screening. Get to IC.

 

Best wishes lillyrose...it can be overcome, but first you must know the TRUE extent of the cancer...

[Reggie]

Your H seems to show quite a few signs of NPD. Serial cheating, control, anger, arrogance are all signs of it.

I don't understand the age difference attraction, but that is simply my own bias.

But, he seems to treat you very poorly,

The young doc is a snake, as well.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Your H seems to show quite a few signs of NPD. Serial cheating, control, anger, arrogance are all signs of it.

I don't understand the age difference attraction, but that is simply my own bias.

But, he seems to treat you very poorly,

The young doc is a snake, as well.

 

He has no interest in an equal and it is obvious by his actions. A 40 year old established Dr. does not search out a 20 year old nurse as an equal. I will not be crass and say what he does want of a 20 year old.

 

I really wish the OP the best of luck.