What do I do?

[dcdsk6357411]

I have been with the same guy for 7 years, and married for almost 3 years, I am 23 years old and we have 3 kids together, we do not have the best of relationships, we have been through the abusive stages, he has cheated on me numerous times, an we fight constantly. I have been faithful to him since the day we got together up until a month or so ago, I started messing with a guy that I shoot on a Pool League with, and we were friends, we seem to be now messing around on a regular basis, I don't think that I really like this guy because he is kind of conceited and he has a girlfriend of his own, but i like recieving attention from someone since I do not recieve it from my husband, the only time me and my husband are together is when he decides to come home and go to sleep. I just don't know what to do... do you have any advice at all?

[Just A Girl2]

Talk about a dysfunctional marriage, and likely family. I feel very sorry for your 3 children....to be growing up in a home where there's abuse, screaming and fighting, animosity and tension, and two cheaters for parents. I wonder what their destiny will be? Children learn about relationships, even at a young age, from their role models: parents. So what do you think they're learning here?

 

Just because your husband isn't much of a husband, that gives you no right to go screwing around on him. And you say that you've gone through abusive periods? Well how do you think he's going to act if he finds out?

 

If you're out sleeping around with men who have girlfriends, as an attempt to find whatever it is you're not getting at home/from your husband......do you really think this is the answer? Of course it's not.

 

Go for marriage counselling. You and your husband owe your children a good life......a good home life....one of love and respect and trust among you and your husband.......you owe it to them to be good role models, first and foremost. If it's not working now, instead of turning to someone else, turn to your husband......if he's not interested, then you have to make the choice to end the marriage and start over.

 

Cheating is never the answer to any problems.

[dcdsk6357411]

See that is the one reason that I don't like to post on forums like this, people assume they know the whole situation, the abusive nature of my relationship is not around my children, they have never and I mean never been around my husband and I when we are fighting, they know nothing of our problems and live nice normal lifes. The question did not involve my children and what I should do about them, my cheating on my husband has nothing to do with them as even if we do get a divorce my children will still be loved the same as before, you do not need to tell me about what children learn from because my children are the most important to me. I would never allow my children to be in a situation where they can be harmed mentally or emotionally, they do not see nor hear the fighting so please don't assume this.

[Tony T]

If you are not happy with your marriage....if you are not fulfilled and getting what you need from a relationship...get out of it. You don't need to be fooling around on the side. You should get a divorce and find someone who will honor and respect you.

 

If you love your husband and feel there is a possiblity of working things out, then by all means do so. Right now you have a very poor marriage and you are extremely young with many, many years to go in life.

 

I want you to be happy. The only way to achieve that is to first try to heal your marriage and make it better. If your husband does not respond to your needs, there are plenty of men around who will.

[Kat]

Why do you allow him to cheat on you?? Abuse you??

Why on earth would you stay??? You then cheat on him???

 

What the hell is this? It is people like this that give young people a bad name when it comes to relationships!

[yes]

Why don't you divorce your husband? What exactly is the reason you stay with him?

 

I think you'd feel better about life if you freed yourself from him, and started to date around & look for someone with whom you can have a normal relationship.

 

Of course, I've never been in your shoes but ... I guess it all depends on your answer to WHY on earth you stay with your husband?

 

-yes

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

The question did not involve my children and what I should do about them, my cheating on my husband has nothing to do with them as even if we do get a divorce my children will still be loved the same as before, you do not need to tell me about what children learn from because my children are the most important to me.

 

You are living in a deep state of denial, if you think that this dysfunctional marriage your in is NOT affecting your 3 children. And yes, your desire to go sleep around on your husband (however rotten he is), does indirectly affect your children.......because the truth will come out eventually, about your cheating...and it will DIRECTLY affect your marriage......and your home situation, therefore, affecting your children. Anything that affects 2 parents in the home/their relationship, will have repercussions on the children.

 

You initially wrote:

 

we have 3 kids together, we do not have the best of relationships, we have been through the abusive stages, he has cheated on me numerous times, an we fight constantly

 

There's been no assumptions made here on my part, nor anyone else's. You've admitted you have a sh*tty marriage...one that's filled with abuse, infidelity and "constant fighting." Kids are smart, sharp and sensitive..and they pick up on things that adults often don't realize. Kids thrive on "love" in a home...and when there's constant fighting and tension and chaos and lack of communcation and love-between-parents, they pick up on that like little hawks.....

 

Kids don't have to "just" see parents smacking each other around to sense that things aren't good. Get yourself some books on "Dysfunctional Families" and you'll find that children are highly perceptive to trouble in the home/marriage........even at very young ages.

 

With this "constant fighting" that you speak of, there's no way in the world that your children are immune to it.......and/or, aren't aware of it. You are only fooling yourself if you think that you and your husband are hiding them from it. And that's no assumption, that's the truth.

 

Children need to see their parents showing love to one another......being able to have loving, respectful conversations with each other......showing affection to each other..........it doesn't sound like this is the case in your home, if all this cheating and abuse and 'constant fighting' is taking place.

 

I realize you are only 23, and most women your age aren't in your shoes.....aren't settled down with 3 children.....but you are and you need to get informed ASAP, as to how your bad marriage is going to directly impact your children. To put your head in the sand and get all defensive, and say none of this has anything to do with them, is pure and simple denial.

 

I sense, too, that you feel justified in cheating on your husband, because he's done it to you on many occasions in the past. Sorry, but 2 wrongs don't make a right. If you're so unhappy in your marriage, and you feel your needs are just not being met......then it's up to you to do something about it........and cheating with some pool shark isn't the answer. That's only adding fuel to the fire that's already there in your marriage. It's not a solution whatsoever. How is that going to make things at home better?

[Debster]

You've been in a marriage you admit to being less than perfect. Yet you get involved with someone else who is also less than perfect.

 

I started messing with a guy that I shoot on a Pool League with, and we were friends, we seem to be now messing around on a regular basis, I don't think that I really like this guy because he is kind of conceited and he has a girlfriend of his own, but i like recieving attention from someone since I do not recieve it from my husband, .

 

If you don't like this guy - leave him alone. You admit to wanting attention from someone, but maybe you should look into why you're craving it from someone you don't really like