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what do i say?


newmom

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i have a problem with my husband. the problem is that he likes to look at porn on the internet. there are many reasons that this bothers me, but the main one is that it makes me feel insecure and it hurts my feelings. i really want to talk to him and make him understand, and i have tried, but nothing seems to stop him. i want to know what i can say to him without getting too angry and putting him on the defense. i feel like i cant trust him, and it is really putting a strain on our marriage, and he dosent even know it!

we are newely married and have a young son. please dont suggest that i leave him, that is out of the question.

i need help!

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what the reasons are why he likes to look at porn, and have you discussed these with him? First thing I'd suggest is letting him know you it makes you feel, and give him the opportunity to explain to you what he is doing and why. Whether or not you need to be concerned or feel threatened by this habit depends a lot on how much he is online doing this, and to what extent. Some guys get girlie magazines and just enjoy looking at women's bodies. It could be the same thing if they are looking online to see it. As long as he's not doing it in lieu of being intimate with you, or looking at it several times a day or developing online relationships, I don't think you need to take it as a threat to your marriage.

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I know "today's progressive thinking" is that men looking at porn (married men/men in relationships) is okay. That it's "just something men do." I think that's crap. If you're a wife or girlfriend, and you're offended and disgusted by the fact that your partner does this, and you explain your feelings about it, and he continues to do it, then it's just plain wrong. There's lot of things in life that I like, and love.....but if someone I loved/was in a relationship, felt hurt or threatened or uncomfortable by me doing these things, I'd stop. Out of common courtesy, love and respect for them and their feelings.

 

That being said....to the lady who posted this....you need to get at the root of why he's doing this. Did he do this before you got married?

 

How new is your son? Just a baby? A lot of times after a woman has a baby, for the first year, things are different. The whole dynamics of the relationship change. She's gone from being the "sexy wife" to the "mother"......and frequently, the husband will begin to see her in a different light. Often she's just too exhausted to have sex .....from taking care of the new baby....running the house, doing all the jobs that a wife and mother does........and hubby starts to feel neglected and sex is less.

 

I'm sure there's lots of books out there, for new moms.....that talk about this kind of thing happening.......and how a husband and wife can reconnect again, after the birth of a child..........

 

Try doing a search online, like on Yahoo ( http://www.yahoo.com ).....find some "new mom" message boards/websites........where you can speak with other new moms who are going through all this. I'm guessing that this is the crux of the problem?

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I myself have lived this way and it's not fun... nor did it get any better, only worse.

 

I took the same views that boys will be boys, it's normal for men (soem not all) to feel the urge to look at porn... but sweetie let me tell you this.

 

Not only did my guy look at porn on occasion, his obsession grew. It went from occasional to daily, from plain artsy nude shots to hardcore nasty porn, to child porn, to downloading video clips that got more and more vulgar and nasty, to going to strip clubs, to getting lap dances to finally cheating.

 

I thought the porn thing was not a threat, thought he liked a beautiful body and all... but it finally hit the point of doing this daily in accordance with masturbating which led to NO sex as his business was taken care of.

 

I've made it my standing rule that any guy I get involved in will know my views on looking at porn while in a relationship with me. I'm not saying leave your guy... but be prepared for this habit to worsen over time. It took about 5 years to get as bad as it did, I tried talking to him about it, but he'd only get angry... I even tried letting him know I was not mad or upset, but wanted to understand his desire to look at other women while with me? All led to fights. I tried telling him it hurt me and made me feel like i was not satisfying him to which he assured me I was...

 

I won't do it agian. If a guy NEEDS to look at porn while in a relationship with me, I'm not interested... no matter how much I love him. Maybe your sit won't turn out like mine, but keep your eyes open for the red flags. If it's becoming harder and harder for him to be satisfied... you can bet the soft porn has escalated into some more nasty!

 

good luck and Im sorry you're going through this!

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to the people above: yes, my husband did this before we got married. it was stupid of me, but at the time we got married, our relationship was so perfect that i didnt even think about it.

about the new mom thing. yes, i have a four month old, so he is pretty young. but i have never, ever in our entire relationship (we have been together for three years), refused to have sex with him whenever he wanted it, even it is in the middle of the night.

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dear new mom, i think you should take some time and just relax a bit - you must understand these - anything done in moderate is fine - so hubby like to look at porno pic - umph...why not? what's wrong? maybe its jez fer fun, relax.

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  • 4 months later...

Hello New Mom! And congrats for justifying your feelings aout this situation. I personally have had thing situation as well, and my husband and I sought counseling because of it. Of course, he did not want to go, but I told him either he can go to counseling, or he can go away. He used porn for many years before we even met, and I did not care as much about when we first started to date. But when we became serious, I found out just how bad it was. I finally told him that I would not allow porn in my house, and he had to give all of it to me to throw away in the fashion I saw fit. I thought that this would solve the problem, since he promised not to look at it again. But, we still had the internet, and we all know how many disgusting people are out there praying off of other's sexual addictions. He came to me one day and told me(who was completely oblivious)that he had looked at porn a few months prior, and had been terrified to tell me ever since. I was glad that he told me finally, because I figured that meant he wanted to change.

 

But, it turns out he was just trying to clear his guilty mind. I was kind to him when he told me, I did not cry or yell or make him feel bad. I figured this would help him to trust me more and bond with me. But, about 2 months after this conversation, I actually caught him looking at porn. Not just porn, but a slut's webcam and typing things at her with other guys typing too. I was so hurt and furious, I almost divorced him over it. He betrayed me, why should I stay? And that is where counseling has come in to help. Our counselor, a female, is helping me to understand that he did not do it because he does not want me or because he doesnt like me anymore, but because he has a serious addiction to porn.

According to the research I have done since this all happened, this is not an uncommon problem, but that does not excuse this kind of behavior either.

 

I am behind you 100% on this issue. I believe that once you marry someone, you should be committed to them, whether it be with your body, mind, eyes, heart, etc. Looking at porn is a step ladder to other sexual problems, and it can ruin relationships if not handled before it gets out of hand. I suggest you look into counseling for your husband and yourself. Ours has helped with other issues as well. I hope everything works out okay for you, and that your husband realizes how lucky he is to have a wife that loves him. Good Luck!!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

this alerted me:

 

"but i have never, ever in our entire relationship (we have been together for three years), refused to have sex with him whenever he wanted it, even it is in the middle of the night."

 

that sounds too accomodating... perhaps he's looking for some excitement, some resistance, something new...

 

i'm no expert at all, just a thought.

-yes

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