Confusion reigns in my life...please help?

[dazedandconfuse]

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Hi. Im new to your forum and in desperate need of help. I have always been the one that my friends and family go to for advice and right at this moment in time all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go away for a while.

 

In June of 2001 I met this wonderful man at an impossibly wierd time in my life. I was 7 months pregnant with an unexpected child. He and I were both going through pretty much the same scenario. He was seperated from his wife and having a child as well. Needless to say we had much in common and became friends. Our friendship progressed quickly from "just friends" to "ohmigod I fell in love" and then of course on to a sexual relationship. He and I became bestfriends. I had never really had a relationship that combined bestfriends with a lover before, and neither had he. We could talk for hours about anything and everything. I put my complete trust in this mans hands. We had our ups and downs but I really thought we were getting somewhere. He had some issues with his kids and divorce due to the concept of failing. But was supposedly working on it.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....my children had fallen in love with this man and my youngest child of course thinks this is her father. We went on like this for about a year and a half. He has keys to my house and pretty much stayed here alot of the time.

 

Then about a month ago? His wife called here. Then stuff really hit the fan. It seems he had been untruthful about his whereabouts and at some point had moved back in with his wife. I being the wonderful and nice female had never been extensively pressuring him to meet his people...I had requested it but never made it a requirement...

 

I had never felt completely secure in my relationship and this completely devastated me. This was the partner of my heart. I come off as this tough person but inside I am pretty much a giant mushball. I decided we could work on our relationship, after all we had been together for a long time. So I stayed true to my nature about working on stuff. I get a wacked out phone call on monday with reqards to our relationship where he is ending everything. Then by Thursday he has regretted that decision and is wanting to remain friends...he understood he had to deal with all the stuff he had been putting off, but realized I was important to him. Of course me, being the giant wussy that I am, couldn't keep food down, couldn't sleep, couldn't work....He supposedly came clean about everything to me....and moved back in with his parents. Meanwhile we have stayed in touch and he tells me he loves me quite frequently. 2 weeks ago I got this very touching email saying he was ready to commit to our relationship and that I was important to him and how he couldn't see living a life without me involved in it. He was ready for me to meet his people and get involved with his children. He wanted our picture taken together and to actively work on our relationship.

 

Now, yet again, he is backing away from that. Says its too soon. He has to get rid of his excess stuff before we can actively work on our relationship. He says he understands that our relationship spans many levels due to being bestfriends and all. But says he can't work on it and all the other stuff at the same time. I really do not know what to do at this point. My counselor says I need to make new friends and that I will snap at some point if things don't get better. I am too supportive ( I have been where he is now) and that he will never follow through with what he says he has to do if I hold his hand. I realize that some of what she says is correct, but...if my children had done something wrong I wouldn't just bail on them. However? I do not want to continue to be someone's lifeline of emotional support if I cannot ever have it returned in some form. Im not saying that I don't think he loves me, that is not the case. BUT I am unsure on how to get what I want and need, or to make him see that our friendship cannot continue if he insists upon putting me on the back burner or backing away from what he says at any given point. My trust is gone, my self image is gone and I have two kids who are not sure what all is happening in mommy's life right now. I too have issues that don't revolve around this man, but I am still willing to deal with our problems. I feel we have something worthwhile and that he and I are important. Shoving the problems away and putting everything on hold in my eyes doesn't let you deal with the problem later...I just don't know what to do????

 

M

[Ally Boo]

First of all, no matter how much of a partner of the heart he is, he is NOT in ANY way CLOSE to being as dear to you as your children. So DON'T base your actions on what you would do with your child.

 

You were BETRAYED here....have you forgotten that? Why are you working so hard on trying to make this work, when HE is the one who has to do the proving. And HE has to do it on HIS own, withOUT your help.

 

Truth is, to me he seems confused. And he's probably going to his wife and saying the same things he is saying to you. I'd tell him to get his **** straight, and until then, don[t call you. You hvae a family to take care of, girl! And THEY are #1.

[midori]

Originally posted by Ally Boo

First of all, no matter how much of a partner of the heart he is, he is NOT in ANY way CLOSE to being as dear to you as your children. So DON'T base your actions on what you would do with your child.

 

I agree, and perhaps more importantly, a romantic relationship should be between equals, not between someone who is emotionally juvenile and an adult. Do you want an apprentice, or a partner? If you think that your patience and devotion will help him reach new levels of insight and maturity, in other words, mentoring him in love, just remember that once an apprentice has learned his craft, he leaves his master's shop.

 

You were BETRAYED here....have you forgotten that? Why are you working so hard on trying to make this work, when HE is the one who has to do the proving. And HE has to do it on HIS own, withOUT your help.

 

Again, I agree. And not only should you be outraged and disgusted by his deceit for your own sake, you also need to see that being all-forgiving and full of support for this guy is not going to get you what you want. I see two possibilities if you took him back: a) he would have no respect for you (since you would show no signs of having any for yourself) and thus he would continue in his self-centered ways, never giving you any security in your relationship with him, or b) he would slowly fester with resentment, constantly aware that you were permanently above him on the morality & goodness ladder.

 

 

Truth is, to me he seems confused. And he's probably going to his wife and saying the same things he is saying to you. I'd tell him to get his **** straight, and until then, don[t call you. You hvae a family to take care of, girl! And THEY are #1.

 

More than that, I'd say. Willfully blind is more like it. Unless he actually has a sub-normal IQ, there is no way he could have not known that his behavior was horribly destructive and utterly reprehensible. He has betrayed not one, not two, but at least five people (three or more of whom are innocent children), and he has perpetuated his betrayal for more than a year. And now, when he's finally been caught, instead of having the decency to make a clean break with one or the other of you (or better, both of you) he opts to wallow in angst and confusion. And you're letting him!!!!

 

This is not the way an adult behaves. This is the way a 13-year-old behaves, and I suspect I'm insulting a good number of 13-year-olds out there by comparing this jerk to them.

 

Model good behavior for your children, in the hope that they will learn to behave in a similar way. But don't expect to have the same effect on an adult, certainly not this one. He has taken your trust and your good intentions and your kindness, and he has used them to his own twisted ends. Another ounce of your sympathy or minute of your time given to this man would be an utter waste.

[Ally Boo]

VERY well said.

[butterflyz]

when men lie by omission it is usually huge.

 

so your situation doesn't surprise me.

 

 

right now, your concern should be you, your kids and your life. his feelings are irrelevant right now. you may care for him. but he has not shown care for you. he blindsided you.

 

trust me, the feelings of "love" that you say you have are not for the person he has revealed himself to be. oh no sister, they are for the feelings for the ghost of love past. so you hang on because you want so bad to feel good again. but now, things have changed and now, he has revealed himself to be of bad character. in my book...bad character is about the worst trait you could have.

 

i should know. in fact, it has been mentioned to me that sometimes my posts appear to be contradictory towards the guy that betrayed me. if there is any reminiscent feelings that may appear, it is for the loss of the "feeling" of love, not for the person. i was so happy i could feel again. and now, i take a long break to heal.

 

in the end i won't be alone, i just won't be with him. he actually has deluded himself to thinking i'm just scared of him because i'm commitment phobic. he can't get it through his head that i don't want HIM. it's not relationship i don't want. but i will take my time getting back out there. and it is good that i feel that way because he is sick enough to sabatoge any relationship i would get into with a man (i think to show me that it would be a mistake not to be with him). do you see how repulsive desperacy is? don't become desperate.

 

your guy also has bad character. no amount of counseling can fix that. you have to decide if that is a fault you can live with. for me, that's not a fault i can live with. and that includes deception, manipulation, lies, selfishness. i can't live with those traits.

 

get it together for yourself and your kids. this guy is no good.