Some on Wife's past Emotional Affair

[phineas]

Hello,

 

New here, need some advice.

 

I apologize for the wall of text.

I don't really have any one to talk to about this so it's been bottled up.

 

 

About a yr & 1/2 ago my wife ended an emotional affair with a man I never knew existed.

She ended it because he wanted to take it to the physical level.

 

She was just pregnant at the time with our second child. (yes, It is mine) She says she didn't sleep with anyone else or even kiss anyone else & this is basically the only thing she has said on this I believe.

 

This was younger man he was 30 she was 35 & I was 36 at the time. She met him through a common friend.

 

At the time, my wife & I were not getting along. Our 1st son was about a yr old & we were basically just doing our own thing because we got on each other's nerves easily.

 

She would just tell me she was going for drinks with friends from work. I didn't have a reason to think otherwise because she'd come home & initiate sex. It was all emotional with this man.

 

A few months ago I discovered some pictures of my wife & this man & my child.

He was holding her in his arms & she was kissing his cheek. She told me he was just a friend she doesn't hang out with anymore but I could see happiness in their eyes. the kind of look we had in our wedding pictures.

 

She claimed he wanted more than friendship so she ended it.

I eventually found an old chat log on her computer.

It was months of "I love you's" & "I miss you's" & explicit sex talk.

 

The chats did in fact end when she told me she ended it & I did notice when he would ask if we were still fighting & she said we were better he would go offline.

 

She says it got out of control & she never told me because she didn't want me to leave her.

 

She said this was history & I needed to let it go.

We'll I later found a picture of this man on her cell phone.

She lied & said their mutual friend acidently sent it & she accidentally saved it to her phone. A lie.

 

She deleted it.

I caught her on the computer in gmail talking to this guy online recently. She claimed it was their mutual friend who was staying with him.

Lie? I don't know, why don't she have her own gmail?

 

She deleted the gmail account.

Then I discovered she had made a new account & saw in the browser histery she intiated chat with this man.I asked her about it.

She lied & said she didn't.

 

That's when I put the key logger on her PC got the proof. Saw she was in fact talking to this guy & confronted her.

She lied to my face.

Even after I logged into the account & showed her proof she had done it she tried to make up an excuse about it being an accident or it was old info.

 

She finally admitted to it. I told her we will never be the way she wants if she is still attached to another man & I won't stand for it.

 

She promised to stop talking to him.

 

I could tell she was lieing.

I found she created a facebook account in her maiden name & added this guy as the firat contact.

 

I asked her why & she lied to me. again. She said her yahoo info just transfered over to face book & he was an old contact. A lie. she showed me months ago he was no longer a contact.

 

I finally just told her to pack an overnight bag & go stay with her father.

When she saw I was serious, she told me the truth.

 

She had only started talking to him recently because their mutual friend tried to get them back together as friends.

 

He asked if they could be friends & only friends & she said yes.

She says she doesn't want to see him, just talk to him online or text once in a while but not the sexual stuff from before because she feels nothing for him but friendship.

 

She said she lied to me because she didn't want me telling her who she can & can't be friends with.

 

I tell her she almost left me to be with this man, she had an unacceptable emotional attachment to this man & now i'm the bad guy for not wanting her to talk to him?

 

She doesn't agree. She says she ended their friendship because she realised she wanted to be with me & not him & she isn't interested in him that way.

 

I again told her to leave because I don't want to be married to someone who is willing to lie to her husband so shecan talk to a man she claims she never wants to see, just say "hi to " over the net or her cell phone.

 

She eventually broke down & told me she loves me but isn't in love with me.

She basically has no desire for sex. every once in a while she does, but she's just been faking it so i'm happy. She says she's been having bouts of crying & feels depressed & doesn't feel connected to our second son who is 6 months old.

 

It was a rough pregnancy for her & the baby's vitals were on the low side the whole time & he came almost a month early with no notice & she's felt this way since he was born.

 

I assumed it was because she was thinking about when she was with this man but now I do not know.

 

Right now, i'm just waiting for her to pack up & leave. She says she isn't going anywhere & only wants to be with me.

 

She only wants friendship with the other man & i'm wrong to tell her who she can & can't be friends with.

 

At this point I just don't care who she talks to anymore.

 

Sometimes I just find it hard to care when she tells me who she's going out with & where because I just don't believe her (even if I know for a fact she is telling the truth)

 

She won't have sex with me but wants me to cuddle with her & hold her & kiss her.

 

I have no problem with that if the reasons why truely are the "baby Blues" or post partem depression.

 

I can deal with her being friends with this man. I no longer consider him a threat. What I have a massive problem with is all the lieing.

 

I have a long string of past relationships where women just lied to me & cheated on me & this feels so similiar I almost want nothing more to do with it.

 

If we didn't have two children & 8 yrs of history. (3 dating 4 married) I would of divorced her just over the lieing.

 

I want to make this work & she says she does also.

Even though it would of been the worst thing in the world to happen to me if she accepted, I flat out offered her out of the marriage & she said she wanted to stay & that she just needs time to work on herself.

 

We do ok financially, She didn't marry me for money, (I have none) i'm no model either. LOL! so she didn't marry me for my good looks.

 

She said the other guy made her feel the way I used to make her feel.

The problem is I can't make her feel that way again because what made us what we were was our friendship & jokeing around.

 

The lieing on her part, the snooping on mine has damaged that friendship greatly.

 

We have two kids & work opposite shifts.

We both know the problems started when she switched to nights because we hardly see each other. Her schedule has changed for the better so we spend more time together, but not much without the kids.

 

Even if I can get over the lieing, I still feel she has some kind of attachment still to this man & it bothers me.

 

I feel she is clinging to some fairy tale. With me it's real life. With him, it wasn't.

I also feel this man still has intentions of bedding my wife.

Why?

He's a single man that knows an attractive married woman who's marriage is rocky & traded sexual texts with him.

 

She says he isn't like that anymore & has a GF.

 

I'm not sure what to do here other than just stop mentioning anything about her talking to this guy & just keep trying to re-connect with her & help her to feel better about herself & deal with her depression.

 

She is seeing the Dr. next week.

 

Any advice from anyone who went though this would be helpful.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for your pain. It seems that your wife has no problem continuing to lie to your face. I am sorry but I would also question whether she has told you the whole story. It sounds like she is deeply involved with this man and addicted to him. I would think that there would have had to be some form of intimacy with this man. My guess is this may be one reason why she does not desire sex with you. She may feel that she is cheating on this OM with you.

 

A marriage cannot exist with 3 people. You have made this clear and she refuses to abide by this. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think that she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? What is the point of being in a marriage when you spouse is in love with another man and continues to blantly lie to your face and disrespect you in such a manner. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. I would strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. Her continuing lies to you indicate strongly that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Again I doubt she has been honest with you about the physical intimacy part. She has lied to you time and again so why do you wish to believe her what it comes to this part? I am sorry my friend but she is playing you for a fool. Enough is enough!. I wish you luck.

[seibert253]

Put your foot down and man up. If she wishes to remain married to you and work this out, several things have to occur. There is no negotiating, either she does all of these or the deal's off:

1. She ends ALL contact with the OM. Fininto, None, Nada, period, end of story.

2. She gives you open access to all her emails, gmails, cellphone, everything.

3. Complete an open honesty on her part and yours.

4. Both of you enter into couples counseling and individual counseling.

 

She's still in the fog stage, and will stay there until you call her bluff.

If she does not agree to these stipulations then tell her she needs to move out. If she agrees, then violates any of them, she's gone. She leaves, you don't. You were not the one who cheated, she did. Yes she did cheat, though it wasn't physical, it's just as bad.

Trust but verify. If she has a cell phone set up and detailed billing account. That way you can keep track of all her calls and texts. Install a keylogger on her computer.

If she stays, or leaves, it's going to be rought but you WILL get through it. Focus on yourself, do what's right for you and your kids, not your wayward wife.

If she truely loves you she will stay, if she leaves then your better off. Trust me, there is someone out there who with treat you like you deserve to be treated.

[troubadour]

I agree with Bryanp 100%.

 

I would be rather very reluctant to believe that nothing intimate happend between two of them. Why would you belive that this part is true if she has lied about almost everything else.

 

If you decide to stay with her you have to accept your role as her safety net... she already has her dream-lover. I guess your children make this choice really hard... you are in a tough spot.

 

Good luck.

[phineas]

I believe nothing physical happened because I can tell when she lies to me & I'm pretty sure she wasn't lieing about this.

 

Also I saw nothing in their chats or e-mails that showed they'd actually done any of the things they talked about.

 

However, yes I realize how stupid I sound by saying I believe her given her constant lies.

 

I also know she didn't have any contact with him though her cell phone or e-mail until I found the pictures & chats & confronted her.

 

Unfortunately it seems that has triggered her wanting to be friends with him again.

 

I believe after reading the responses here, that if she will put his friendship above our marriage it is over & can never be repaired.

 

This isn't just a "friend" & the fact he has a girlfriend doesn't mean a thing to me.

 

She had a husband.

 

I do feel like we are just dragging it out. Even though she calls me all the time during the day to say hi & talk & tell me she misses & loves me.

But, I go between hoping she'll call & viewing those calls as an annoyance.

 

Tonight when she gets home from work I will simply tell her there is something wrong with her need to be friends with this man & I won't stand for it.

 

I also just found she put a picture of herself in an evening dress on her facebook page.

 

We both went to that wedding. She has plenty of pics of the both of us together with her in that dress.

 

I guess it took strangers on the net to make me see reality.

She doesn't seem to be acting married by her actions & lack of respect.

 

Unfortunately, she has the kids during the day because we can't afford daycare & her father is not able to care for them for long due to health reasons.

 

But, I will deal with that afterword.

 

Thank you.

[lostsunsets]

Bryan and troubadour are right. You are her safety net. You need to separate at least she needs to experience life without you and if she wants to stay married. You need to break all communication with her except financial or children. You cannot giver the cuddles and kisses. There has to be a consequence. Have her live with her dad. I would still file for divorce. You will work the day care situation out. I hope to continue to see you post here for support.

[Bryanp]

I wish you luck. I think you made a very good observation. She put a picture of herself only at the wedding reception instead of both you as a couple. She seems to be acting as if she is single rather than being married. Again if the roles had been reversed and after all of the lying, you then told her you just wanted to be friends with the OW again - How do you think she would have acted? She clearly is putting the OM as a priorty over you and your marriage.

 

Based on her previous actions I am willing to bet that she will say whatever it is to placate you and probably down the line you will catch her again. A huge problem is that she lies to you over and over again and lies when she is caught. Most people after being caught in a lie would hopefully change their behavior. The bottom line is that she knows she can lie to you over and over again and nothing will change. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

[wicar]

I am sorry for your pain. It seems that your wife has no problem continuing to lie to your face. I am sorry but I would also question whether she has told you the whole story. It sounds like she is deeply involved with this man and addicted to him. I would think that there would have had to be some form of intimacy with this man. My guess is this may be one reason why she does not desire sex with you. She may feel that she is cheating on this OM with you.

 

A marriage cannot exist with 3 people. You have made this clear and she refuses to abide by this. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think that she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? What is the point of being in a marriage when you spouse is in love with another man and continues to blantly lie to your face and disrespect you in such a manner. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are speaking volumes. I would strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. Her continuing lies to you indicate strongly that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Again I doubt she has been honest with you about the physical intimacy part. She has lied to you time and again so why do you wish to believe her what it comes to this part? I am sorry my friend but she is playing you for a fool. Enough is enough!. I wish you luck.

 

 

I agree to what he says and it seems you are her saftey net. I do not think of any way this marriage can work anymore. You should get out of it as soon as possible, luckily your kinds are not in a age to understand what is happening with their familly. You should save your self from her...

[seibert253]

I wish you luck. I think you made a very good observation. She put a picture of herself only at the wedding reception instead of both you as a couple. She seems to be acting as if she is single rather than being married. Again if the roles had been reversed and after all of the lying, you then told her you just wanted to be friends with the OW again - How do you think she would have acted? She clearly is putting the OM as a priorty over you and your marriage.

 

Based on her previous actions I am willing to bet that she will say whatever it is to placate you and probably down the line you will catch her again. A huge problem is that she lies to you over and over again and lies when she is caught. Most people after being caught in a lie would hopefully change their behavior. The bottom line is that she knows she can lie to you over and over again and nothing will change. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

 

After re-reading, and reading Bryan I have changed my opinion. She needs to go NOW. If her lips are moving, she's lying

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know exactly how you felt by being lied to and cheated on, you dont need to stand for it. If she chooses this friendship over your's marriage then it is over, kick her to the damn curb, and get her to pay child support. Let the OM deal with her lying ass. addiction or not, your married. you shouldnt be doing what your doing. she can control herself she just chooses not to.

 

Divorce I say.

[Reggie]

You should consider bailing asap. You are married to a very broken person who refuses help. The amount of lying is incredible, especially the brazeness of it. It must make you feel as if she considers you stupid, if she thinks of you at all.

I'd bet a years pay she went physical. Ask her to take a polygraph on this issue and others.

She's one messed up woman, maybe BPD or NPD.

[ricardotorero]

I think you now know truths from the experiences stated on here, which were similar to mine (and yours?!)

 

1. The cheater will inevitably lie to cover themselves.

2. They will lie again and again

3. Without direct proof they will initially claim no intimate contact.

4. Intimate contact is very likely to have occurred (- men do not usually hang around long if its not happened)

4. They will continue contact of some description

 

You have no chance without her stopping all contact. You need to tell that she needs must halt any contact either intentional or accidental as soon as it presents itself. You need to tell her that her not sticking to this rule will see you chuck her out, no second chances. Yes its an ultimatum, but that is her choice.

[Stung]

i totally agree with everyone who advises you to INSIST on complete NC with this other man, and am appalled at the layers of her dishonesty throughout this involvement. however, the main thing i want to address here is the post-partum depression question. obviously, i don't know if your wife suffers from this or not, and i can't make any strong judgment calls on how it would have affected her behavior with you and this 'friend' if she does...HOWEVER, as a woman who has suffered from depression in the past and who recently had a baby and experienced the rollercoaster-ride the hormonal flux can put a woman on, i don't think you should dismiss this or downplay it's importance. for starters, her hormonal situation, while it does not excuse her behavior, could have played a really significant role in her emotional state for over a year now; even if you are past the point of caring how her hormones and depression might have affected your marriage, you have young children, and so you have to care about her emotional state now. has your wife seen a doctor o therapist? if not, insist that she does, for the sake of your children if not your marriage. if she is reluctant, i suggest you try to talk to her father about it. she might resent you for that, but so what? if it really is PPD and she gets the help she needs, she will probably thank you for it later. anyway, good luck.

[imagine]

Two things:

 

1. NC with other man for ever. Her boundaries are bad - Use keyloggers, voice recorders or polygraph.

 

2. Fix your marriage (Check out marriagebuilders.com). The articles are free.

[phineas]

I put my foot down.

It was an eye opener.

It also may of ruined any chance of fixing our marriage.

 

She did not sleep with this man.

She met him on a forum much like this. He was having problems of his own.

They connected & started hanging out to talk.

Since I was emotionally unavailable to her (I was) she became emotionally attached to him but ended it before it became physical.

I know this because her Father, Brother, & my own Mother tell me so.

 

Yes, apparently I’m the only one who didn’t know how ****ty a husband I had become.

Her father met this man & told me he recognized what was going on & talked to my wife about it.

He says he believes her when she said she didn’t do anything with him.

Her brother tells me this also.

The shocker is she talked to my mother about this. My mother never said a thing to me because knowing me I would of overreacted (like I am now) & ruined any chance of fixing it.

My mother has never been a fan of my wife.

She never would of said anything to my mother if it did become physical.

They all tell me she is only friends with this man & to let it all go because she doesn’t feel married to me anymore & hasn’t for a while & this man is not the problem.

 

She told them just how deep she got with him emotionally & she did cut off all contact for me & our marriage.

She didn’t communicate this to me because she was sick of arguing.

Things eventually got better between us & that is when we decided to have our second child.

A lot of the problems began when she started working 2nd shift.

We hardly saw each other.

 

Things got worse again because I fell back into my rut.

I became addicted to playing World of Warcraft with my real life friends & I ignored her a lot.

I stopped working on the house.

I stopped going shopping with her.

I started drinking more & never took her anywhere & I honestly never saw this.

 

She lied to me about this man because she just wanted his friendship back & needed someone to talk to because she was afraid to tell me how she truly felt about us because she did not want to hurt me or end it.

she genuinely does not have feelings for him.

We had problems long before he came into the picture.

She doesn’t have much in the way of feelings for me either.

 

The arguing has torn us both down.

Neither of us even know if we can fix this.

She just wants to stop hurting.

 

Also, she did see a Dr. & they believe she is suffering post partum depression but she has refused to take any medication right now.

Our second pregnancy was rough. 3 times our baby’s heart beat was so low the Dr’s had trouble locating it. She was very ill the whole time & woke up every morning expecting to mis-carry.

She became anemic & lost a dangerous amount of weight. The Dr’s were concerned for her own health.

These are all things she kept bottled in & never told me until last night.

And sadly I never noticed.

 

When our child came a month early without warning he stopped breathing after being born & had to be resuscitated.

The hospital never told us. But they billed us for it. Finding out from the bill & a call to her Dr. was too much for her. She has had a hard time connecting to the baby & she tells me she just feels empty inside since the birth & she has been having crying spells.

You may all disagree with me here, but for now I honestly can care less about this man or her the content on her facebook page.

She has shown me her phone & e-mails.

There is nothing inappropriate going on that I can see.

I am going to trust her on this.

I am also prepared for the worst should I be wrong.

I want our household fixed & my children to no longer hear their parents argue.

 

The oldest is starting to become affected by it.

Right now we both have admitted we let things spiral out of control.

I have told her I realize I’ve been a poor spouse & she has said the same.

We have agreed to think about what it is about the other that has changed for the worse & have agreed to try & change those things back to the way they were.

A lot of it for me is to stop spending so much time on the computer, spend more time with her & follow through with the many projects around the house I have not finished.

She is & always has been willing to help me work on the house.

I’m sure there is more I don’t even realize.

For me, I’ve realized my inattentiveness is more than partially responsible for her behavior.

 

If I can better myself & return to being the man she married.....

 

Still this is no guarantee we can fix this.

She has agreed to give it some time before moving out.

 

I have been reading the marriagebuilders website & we are discussing seeing a councilor.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I put my foot down.

It was an eye opener.

It also may of ruined any chance of fixing our marriage.

 

Still this is no guarantee we can fix this.

She has agreed to give it some time before moving out.

 

I have been reading the marriagebuilders website & we are discussing seeing a councilor.

 

Just take action to be the best husband you can. She needs to be able to trust you wont do this again. Plus, you were not there for her during her pregnancy and when the baby was born. That is hard to forgive.

 

She wants to still connect with the other guy... because she doesn't trust you will change for good.

[phineas]

Just take action to be the best husband you can. She needs to be able to trust you wont do this again. Plus, you were not there for her during her pregnancy and when the baby was born. That is hard to forgive.

 

She wants to still connect with the other guy... because she doesn't trust you will change for good.

 

You are correct.

I've back-slid into the non-attentive state.

I've never ignored my children for the computer as I waited for them to be in bed, but I did her & recently i've kept it to designated nights.

 

I thnk the main problem is we do work opposite shifts. She is coming home as i'm heading to bed.

So for most of this EA & afterword up till now she had she basically came home from work or the bar after work, then we had sex, cuddled & went to sleep.

We didn't talk much.

 

She couldn't take the empty feeling anymore & finally opened up to me.

 

I see now, emotionally I wasn't there for her as much as I should have during the pregnancy I waited on her hand & foot but once she was settled in, in bed i'd hop on the game.

 

But, I was there 100% for the birth & afterword.

I took the week off from work to help her in any way I could & focused on her & our little guy.

 

After she went back to work though I returned to my old ways.

Her schedule is changing.

She will be working earlier hours & hopefully this will give us more time together.